Thank you dr. Jonice Webb I have found out from this articles what I need and it is never too late. i had a strong feeling being gulity when I want to say NO.
I like your principles.

Hi Kim!

Thank you for your kind response. Today I really sat still and reflected (which actually feels little bit uncomfortable). In childhood we form beliefs/programming and I think it is pretty amazing that decades after as adults we still repeat them!
In my case, it must be at some point I got this belief that asking for help and especially being a “burden” to others is a no-no. Sadly, I think I was not unconditionally accepted by my parents. I think I always had to monitor, how I should “be” for them, so that I would be liked, loved, connected and not abandoned and end up all alone (huge fear!).
Because now if I think from adult’s perspective, neutrally (if I didn’t have this wounding) if I’d just ask help from someone and if they’d say no…then so what? 🙂 Then I can ask someone else, it’s not so dramatic.
I think I just gained huge awareness, woo hoo! 🙂
What always makes me feel better is to realise, that probably our parents are the “products” of their childhoods too. But of course it’s not an excuse for cruel behaviour.

Dear Kim, learning how to say no and working on your boundaries will help you form different kinds of relationships. You can do it, I’m sure.

I was similarly trained by my parents never to ask for help, with the underlying lesson that I would not be loved if I was not utterly self-sufficient. What I have noticed as I’ve gotten older is that asking for help & receiving it is how people form deep bonds & friendships. Making yourself vulnerable to someone, to owing them by asking for a favor, is how people reach out to each other & connect. Since I never felt I was allowed to ask, l leave people thinking I don’t want to be close to them because I never ask for help. People without CEN really want to walk your dog for you when you are sick, and for you to reach out when you need help. They were raised with compassion. Adults require all kinds of help! That’s where the phrase “it takes a village” came from. Since we have been shamed for asking for help, we are so scared to do it. Your mother’s response to your requests is toxic & cruel, though that may not be what she intends. You should be able to ask her for help even though you are an adult. And she has the right to say no, but not BECAUSE you are an adult.

I have the same issue that you so beautifully articulated. For me, those “unhealthy connections” are rooted in the inability to say no to people with inappropriate boundaries. CEN has left me vulnerable to “helping” people who turn out to be constant takers. CEN has made it hard for me to form solid friendships with people who don’t take advantage of me. I would really like to understand how to solve the latter.

Dear Elina, this is a basic human right. But it should be tempered based on the relationship between the two people and taking feelings into account. Having the right to say no without explanation is not the same as using it in a thoughtless way.

Dear Mac, if someone asks you that in an inappropriate way, it’s a signal to watch out and protect yourself. The right to ask for anything does not go that far. These are guiding principles not meant to be exploited and used against people.

Dear Julia, I would change your sentence to “Feeling needed is a vital part of any healthy relationship.” Counterdependence can indeed get in the way of forming a deep and meaningful relationship with a healthy person.