Comments on: 4 Tips For Dealing With Your Emotionally Neglectful Parents

By: Heartbroken

Heartbroken — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 12:56:09 +0000

I have dealt with my abusive and neglectful narcissistic mother my entire life. I have tried talking about her childhood, reaching out to her but everything she ever did was wonderful and every problem caused by someone else. She watched my father abuse me and often used me as a human shield. She took me out of my grandparents loving home because they grew too attached to me and she feared she’d have to share the inheritance someday. She told me this outright. She wreaked havoc on my life and my family’s although she helped us out every so often with small amounts of money that she had stolen from me to begin with. My 20-year-old daughter who was a lovely child who could never please my mother recently passed away. Although my mother acted like a mother the first two months after the death, she reverted back to denigrating my daughter and bragging about her superior relationships with the children and grandchildren of strangers. On my 60th birthday, she called just to say “Who knew that 60 years ago when I was embarking on my life in America it would end up with divorces and disappointments?” because she blames America and Americans for her problems and has frequently remarked that it’s not normal that fat ugly women like me get to marry and keep the good guys while beautiful women like her get dumped every time. Not one kind word for me or about me even when I’m grieving the greatest loss imaginable. I’m kind of done and trying to deal with the guilt that (a) it took me this long to get this toxic bitch out of my family’s life and (b) she’s starting to experience alcoholic dementia. But I have to take care of myself first for once in my life and I have to honor my daughter by permanently getting this witch out of my life.

By: Rattled

Rattled — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 04:09:44 +0000

This is something I’ve been asking myself. I came across this concept by accident only a few days ago and something clicked with both me and my sister. We know our parents tried very hard, and we know enough about their childhoods to know that they just didn’t have the tools themselves. I’d bet money my mom even suffers from CEN. But I’m still feeling resentful to them for it. I don’t know how to interact with them now (which is a problem, since I live in an apartment just upstairs from theirs.)

By: Genevieve

Genevieve — Tue, 02 Jan 2018 04:52:53 +0000

In reply to Jonice Webb PhD. Truer words have never been spoken. If I hadn't experienced it myself I would never have realized how much pain is lifted when a parent owns up to their failings. After speaking to my mother gently for about three hours one day on the beach about how hard my childhood was she said that she was going to take it to her grave that she was a bad mother. She apologized. She was earnest and tears rolled down her cheeks. It just lifted a burden off my shoulders. My father has never apologized for the extensive neglect we suffered and that has taken a toll on myself and our siblings

By: Jonice Webb PhD

Jonice Webb PhD — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 14:59:01 +0000

In reply to Nick M.. Dear Nick thanks for sharing your story with us. I do find that when parents actually see and take responsibility for having failed their child emotionally, it can make a tremendous difference in the life of the child, regardless of how old he or she is. I'm sorry your parents were completely unable to do that for you. I hope parents everywhere will finally understand that when they take ownership of their human failings, it helps to heal their children. I salute the strength and conviction you've shown in taking care of yourself.

By: Nick M.

Nick M. — Wed, 13 Dec 2017 22:08:34 +0000

My experience was similar to Tyler’s. I think the key here is expectations. I’m in my 60’s now, but when I was in my early 30’s and going thru a severe depression. It was so bad I had gotten to the point where I had started to plan my own suicide. I started to see a therapist, who advised me to diplomatically and tactfully confront my parents to see if I could break thru. I rehearsed what I wanted to say, and laid it all out without being accusing. What I got back was truly astonishing. They were so very sorry that I took it all the wrong way. They could not even begin to imagine that somehow they had been in ANY WAY shape or form wrong. They were so pleased to hear that I was getting help for how badly I had missed the mark. What I learned from this was not to expect amy empathy or sympathy whatsoever. If I got some, that would be fine, but don’t expect any at all. Like Tyler, I eventually cut off all contact. It taught me a very valuable lesson. I wasn’t bitter and I wasn’t angry – I just learned that my own peace and happiness had to come from me and no one else. Even if my parents had gotten down on their hands and knees and wailed and cried and said they were sorry and begged forgiveness and kissed my feet…none of that would have changed the past in any way shape or form. The only thing I could do was realize they were flawed people who did the best they could with what they knew. They did not sexually or physically abuse me. They kept me and my brother housed and clothed and safe and warm, and they worked hard to support us. I’m a pastoral therapist now, and I try to get my clients to re-frame their personal stories

By: MtVelveteen

MtVelveteen — Wed, 13 Dec 2017 20:54:12 +0000

In reply to Jonice Webb PhD.

Thanks…

: ) !!

By: Jonice Webb PhD

Jonice Webb PhD — Wed, 13 Dec 2017 20:35:39 +0000

In reply to MtVelveteen. Excellent suggestions! Thanks for sharing your valuable thoughts on this.

By: Jonice Webb PhD

Jonice Webb PhD — Wed, 13 Dec 2017 20:34:37 +0000

In reply to MtVelveteen. Dear MtVelveteen, I would be happy for you to use my work in your work. Thanks for asking!

By: MtVelveteen

MtVelveteen — Wed, 13 Dec 2017 18:06:30 +0000

In reply to MtVelveteen.

Oh…mind if I use this with my clients?
I think it would be a great reinforcer of a lot of principles they learn in treatment.
(I have been working with a variety of issues for 40 years, with a particular interest in how abusive patterns get passed down intergenerationally) This includes chemical dependency, alcoholism, the children of both, codependency, sexual abuse victims, people that aggressively act out sexually, etc.)
Of course, I will retain all links to you, and information about you.

By: MtVelveteen

MtVelveteen — Wed, 13 Dec 2017 17:44:33 +0000

I like all these suggestions, and have used them with myself, as well as my clients. In the interest of also focusing on one area of that we have complete control over, I would suggest that people who were neglected be mindful of how they talk to themselves when they make a mistake, approach a situation that is a risk, and are mistreated by others. (To name just three) I have found that creating a compassionate and realistic nurturing parent inside myself to give "parenting lessons" when we find a lack of positive support, or negative put-downs in our internal self talk, since this often is a result of growing up with neglectful parents. This internal "nurturing parent" must go beyond just being positive. Using our experiences with others that appear to have mastered always being supportive, acknowledging feelings when failing, being criticized by others, and even acknowledging our own contributions to mistakes while remaining positive about being a good person and giving the message that as long as we are growing and learning, it is all that matters appears to be a great template. So WE create the parent we never had, and listen and watch as they respond to any negative, anxious internal self talk, or to any of the previously mentioned situations. For many, it works even better to not only focus on the tone – supportive and firm, but also adding a picture of whatever our imaginations gives us for what that supportive compassionately accountable internal parent would look like and do.