Angel, my sister realized she might be gay in her mid 20s. She came out to my mom and then she completely forgot and she had to come out AGAIN a few months later when she told our parents she was dating a girl…

Dear Angel, I encourage you to look for support outside of your family, preferably from a therapist who is trained in LGBTQ issues. I can hear your longing for acceptance and validation from your parents, but they may not be able to give it. Perhaps a therapist can help you talk to them in a different way or at least keep moving forward and growing.

Jonice, an unrelated question, do you have any articles on dealing with neglectful parents when you’ve come out? I came out as bisexual to my parents two years ago and their emotional response was crushing. There wasn’t any – only confusion, and somehow it feels worse than if they were upset. I’d have been over the moon if they had been happy for me, but I was only met with “oh”, and then they moved on. It’s never been brought up again since. There are days I need support for this from my parents, but they don’t understand it and haven’t tried to understand it. Even my mother who I am closest to. I need to know how I can know I’m safe with my family knowing we have homophobic people around us, but I’m not sure how I could do it… I feel so alone and unsupported.

Sorry for the unrelated question. Amazing article, thank you for writing it.

Dear Audrey, it helps to try to stop thinking of your dad as all good or all bad. He’s a mixture. So instead, think about the traits he has that you want and like, and what you want to make sure to avoid in other relationships. And be sure to protect yourself. Seek a CEN therapist if you can.

Also, this article has led me to think about how daughters are supposed to look up to their fathers and see them as the model man in their lives – at least one sees this quite often in idyllic fictional narratives and in healthy father-daughter relationships in real life. I feel guilty because that is not the case for me: my father has many virtues and has done many things well in life, but he is also very authoritarian, harsh, prone to not showing emotions, and he unconsciously defends himself by attacking (in subtle but perceptible ways, like through looks and the tone of his voice). All this hurts me very much, it demolishes my self-esteem, and it has been intensified lately during lockdown (I still live with my parents).

Is there any particular advice you would give in such a case? I feel bad by rejecting my father’s figure (I want to marry someone very different to him), and at the same time I need to rebel (inwardly) against him.

Thank you!

Dear Li, I am so glad to hear this. Keep up the good work you’re doing!

Dear James, you are expressing how complex relationships can be, especially when a parent is a complex personality. The answers are indeed not clear-cut, and in many cases there are no “right” answers. It all boils down to how their actions and lack of actions affected us. We are left holding the bag, and we must deal with the bag ourselves, unfortunately. thanks for sharing your thoughts!

I appreciate your work on this topic. Providing two white/black reactions- a) father was bad, so ignore him or b) father didn’t mean to be bad, so work on the relationship – just doesn’t address the full spectrum of complexity with having a father who emotionally abused you. It doesn’t matter in the end if he MEANT to or not – because the fact is, his lack of care towards his child’s needs ended up impacting the child for years and years. When you have a father who knowingly said as a child “I”m not a good dad,” but then wonders why his child doesn’t speak to him, it makes for a more complex understanding than A or B.

Dear Gunther, it is true, there are plenty of emotionally neglectful parents who do deserve to be blamed! There is no one type, and the important thing is to understand how your own parents failed you and, to the extent possible, why they failed you. And also, to allow yourself to feel your feelings.