The solution statements could require either finding someone trustworthy (choosing carefully as mentioned) or helping the person/people in your existing relationships to understand the same things.

Sharing your feelings or troubles with someone only burdens them if they assume they are responsible for knowing how to make things better. Helping friends/partners understand how to receive painful feelings, what you do & don’t need from them in those times, and how to listen/respond, can go a long way to relieving them of the burden (assumptions, self-expectations, pressure, helplessness, anxiety) behind feeling burdened by your feelings.

This also contributes to feelings being less likely to chase them away. And, it makes talking more likely to be helpful for you. (It can also contribute to making times of conflict more productive, or even can help to avoid/prevent the conflict that can occur because of defensive reactions to feelings.)

True, but you have to start somewhere!

Dear Sheila, sounds like you may need to rock the boat for anything to change. I encourage you to work on your own CEN, find your voice and try to push him to change, whenever you are ready.

I have seen this look many times. I just recently told my friend I have known for 22 years (since 10) that my childhood was pretty messed up and a few ‘light’ examples and he said “Jesus Christ dude, I had no idea…” and I feel like he didn’t really know what to say, but I didn’t need him to say anything it just felt like I had been hiding a HUGE part of myself for a long time because I was ashamed of it, but that may have felt like a betrayal from his perspective… Idk, sometimes I feel like a jaded old wise man in a young man’s body and it’s hard to relate to people my age. I don’t need to vent or let it out as much anymore, I have processed more of my past and it’s not happening right now anymore. So, instead I try to explain my behaviors and weird vestigial traits from my dysfunctional past a little bit at a time and with discretion. I have only ever met a few people that ‘get it’. I think that most people can’t understand our perspective or upbringing; we may get a little sympathy but rarely empathy. Telling the wrong person too much at the wrong time can change their opinion of you and be a pretty awkward experience… My sister is one of the only people who understands where I am coming from because we came from the same place. My ex told me on our second date that her parents were alcoholics and she had lost one at 17 and the other at 21 and that I was one of the only people who didn’t look at her with sadness, pity, confusion, or judgement that others usually had. Unfortunately people can see someone as damaged, weak and vulnerable if they have a lot of hurt and betrayal in their past and usually that person doesn’t have a supportive family so they think that damaged or CEN person might place too much importance on the new relationship and thus without doing anything, unintentionally scare the person away. Which is what I think happened to my ex because she was a catch and very extroverted and went on lots of dates before me but not much more because she said guys would literally say they were “too afraid of hurting her more”… so she didn’t even get a chance at deep connection because people were too afraid of how she was hurt in the past and it might get too intense or something… so I was her first real BF at 34.

Sherrie — your comment resonates with me. I have wondered the same thing about my mother. It does make it a little bit easier to “forgive” her if I believe that she is on the autism spectrum. She does seem to be a narcissist also. Do people on the autism spectrum appear to be narcissists, or could both conditions appear in the same person? It is so sad, because it does feel like she wants to be loved and even cherished, but doesn’t have any idea how to love or cherish others. The only question that she has ever asked me about myself is “What did you do/are you going to do today?” Even that question is rare. Usually she only talks about herself. And, I have come to understand that her asking me what I am doing is only to guilt me into saying that I will do something with/for her. But I feel so cruel to not give her the time/attention that she longs for as she is quite elderly.

Hi Tracy, your comment is v helpful for me.
I know about emotional dumping (over sharing or over behaving) as well as being zipped up and fine.
I love your ideas about learning that I can manage without sharing everything and it’s my choice. I am strong not weak to manage, to think of what I need and to act on that.
That’s the habit I need to cultivate.
Thx