Kerry, sending empathy your way.

My kids definitely bear the scars and the patterns, in spite of my energy to shield and provide alternative paths. They know the pain of the transference, the know the agony of the disharmony and toxicity between their parents, and they know the longing of the needs that go unmet within them…and within their parents.

CEN continues its harm intergenerationally. It also births narcissism, in all its forms.

Thinking I’m going to look for a support group online for this. Maybe the author of this site has a recommendation?

I am experiencing the same thing! I get blamed for all of it….Family is in a shambles…teen boys are devastated. Marriage is over. Husband who is SOO CEN, but will not acknowledge. I have been talking about this for DECADES, but never knew it had a name. He gaslit me and or denied it. Said it was me being too needy, and I believed him (I have a little CEN, only in that I invalidate myself sometimes, I do NOT struggle to notice, feel and name my feelings). It has destroyed our marriage, is the thing that is standing between us for successful parenting. Not a united front. It is EXCRUCIATING that he will not see how his extraordinarily repressed childhood/parents affected him and how that is NOW wrecking his family. Again. NO ONE can talk about hard things…he refused to tell his own sons that he even HAD a brother (who we lost to suicide 25 years ago, when we were getting married) until they were teens and I absolutely INSISTED. It’s messed up….I have been desperate to make sure my boys do NOT inherit this terrible dysfunction. He actually TOLD me he got it back then and that he would work on it but I guess he really didn’t. Then I thought I could do it myself and stay married. That is proving impossible. Not satisfying for me but I am also not sure how to make sure my teenage boys escape this fate. Have been trying their whole lives. One seems to be following in his dad’s footsteps but PRAYING he won’t be as bad as his dad since he has had ME talking about, naming and validating his emotions all his life! My husband did not have a mother like that…..no one talked about that stuff at all with him growing up.

When a CEN affected adult transfers (in his mind, and in behavior patterns) the hurt and anger he holds for his mother who neglected and manipulated his development (her love and acceptance is conditional of her approval) onto his spouse… and spouse continually pushes back rightful accountability to his mother…

Result: Emotional wasteland
He builds his resentment wall taller and taller each passing day, and the target of all his woes? His spouse.

Refusal: He refuses to even hear about the concept of CEN being potentially responsible for the relationship struggles all along (marriage and with his own children), preferring to just blame spouse for all.

Spouse isn’t CEN, wants her children to grow in safe, secure, responsive home where the children’s needs and preferences are equal in value to the adults. Wants her union to be emotionally connected and flow. Wants to recognize and help emotional needs of all. Aches for children, longs for her own needs, and experiences such sorrow for her partner.

What then?

Has your husband considered working with a CEN therapist or taking the online Fuel Up For Life course? Perhaps he needs some help to get in touch with his feelings. For some, it can be absolutely essential.

I know it’s a bittersweet realization, Gayle. Thanks for sharing.

Dear Cristy, you sound like a person who has been emotionally squelched. You are young and have a great chance at healing and changing! Time to start the process of un-squelching your feelings.

Dear Jill, your husband is not alone, many people cling to logic which seems less messy than feelings. But emotions are in fact the stuff of life. I encourage you to fight for your own heart and your husband’s.

Dear Stephen, you do not need to put in the kind of effort you are putting into relationships, it’s exhausting. Instead, direct your energy toward getting in touch with yourself and feeling your feelings, and learning the feeling skills. It’s the process of CEN recovery.