Comments on: 9 Traps of Childhood Emotional Neglect During the Holidays

By: L B

L B — Fri, 29 Dec 2023 15:13:20 +0000

In reply to BettyS. Very interesting, you just turned on a light bulb in my head. Every gift I purchased for someone for the past 22 years, they all had a problem, and it was either returned or never used, and I spent a nice amount of time and effort towards those gifts.

By: L B

L B — Fri, 29 Dec 2023 15:04:46 +0000

Very insightful. Now I can understand why some people focus too much during the holiday, on how many guests to have over, and always looking to invite more guest, because they think the more the merrier, and that cause a person not able to deal with their own feelings.

By: Andrew

Andrew — Thu, 28 Dec 2023 07:13:52 +0000

People are expected to be aggressively happy regardless of what is going on for them and in the world. Not everyone has many people they are close to, all the compulsory cheeriness makes a whole lot of people feel seriously left out

By: Gregg B

Gregg B — Tue, 26 Dec 2023 21:56:09 +0000

In reply to Heidi.

You sound a lot like me, Heidi. I wish you well. I don’t even know where my inner child is. I’m in my mid-60s now and I feel much the same as you do about the holidays. I have multiple psych diagnoses (including CEN) for which I am medicated and in therapy. My wife is also in depression (and CEN), but she denies it. (We’re both adult children of alcoholics, which just makes matters worse.) She and our daughters are somewhat estranged. They’re fine with me, so there’s a good thing.
The holidays weren’t so bad when our daughters were younger, but they’re grown and gone. I don’t feel much of anything during the holiday season anymore, partly because I had to work them which made celebrations difficult.
Our oldest lives nearby with her blended family, but we hardly see them. Three of the five grandkids are usually with the ex’s for major holidays. Two are college students and the others are in high school.
This year, we invited them over for Christmas Eve dinner and got turned down at the last minute. They invited us over for a couple of hours on Christmas Day to eat some takeout food and watch a holiday movie. Our youngest and SIL live a few hours away and have obligations that will prevent them from visiting until January. No other family locally.
So that’s a typical Christmas for us anymore. It’s been decades since I had a enjoyable, “fun” Christmas.
I only have a couple of friends here, none deep enough that I could talk to about this. So, I somehow get through the season every year.

By: Moa

Moa — Tue, 26 Dec 2023 11:51:25 +0000

Hi, I think my mother (she died) was emotionally neglected. That hurts more than possible consequences for her daughters. Maybe you would like to write about that sometime. Thanks 🙂

By: Joe

Joe — Tue, 04 Jan 2022 02:00:13 +0000

Guess I’ve got work to do, I answered yes to every question!

By: Jonice

Jonice — Wed, 23 Dec 2020 13:42:44 +0000

In reply to Liz. Dear Liz, I can see the complexity of your family layers in what you have written. I'm glad you carved out your own way of life for yourself and your husband and children. It's a sign of strength in you. And I love your last sentence. Could not agree more. Wishing you Happy Holidays.

By: Liz

Liz — Wed, 23 Dec 2020 05:00:59 +0000

It was welcome just to see this email and know that there are others in the same boat. What I notice in that pic though is the sparklers the people are holding in that picture. I think that makes it perfect for my remembrances – things look perfect but there are toxic sparks beneath. I was raised by a Narcissist and believe that my other parent is either NPD or just horribly co-dependent. My husband, kids, and I no longer celebrate Christmas and thus avoid the family gatherings and craziness. It doesn’t mean that I don’t totally escape the CEN fallout due to mass mailings from my Christian family during our celebration of Chanukah. We live and let live, I still wish (and pray) they could. May we each find joy and peace in our little corner of the world whatever you are doing right now! Life in of itself should be a celebration. 🙂

By: Jonice

Jonice — Sun, 20 Dec 2020 15:32:07 +0000

In reply to Lori. Dear Lori, I encourage you to find the true meaning of the holidays inside yourself. Your parents' holidays are clearly not yours, and that's a good thing. You deserve to enjoy the holidays. Look inside yourself and your feeling will help you find what's meaningful to you. All my best wishes to you this holiday season.

By: Lori

Lori — Sun, 20 Dec 2020 02:53:00 +0000

Dear Dr Jonice,
This article is very timely–although, yes, I admit the photo you chose was a tough one just to look at.
I am a Christian so I celebrate inwardly the real “reason for the season” as they say. But emotionally? I’m a wreck inside. I DREAD the holidays each year!
When I got out of the home where I was sexually abused for years by my stepfather, I remember thinking that “it’s over, from now on I can be happy.” But it isn’t over if it’s not dealt with.
Growing up, I found some joy in giving, and yes, there were some gifts I really enjoyed, times I enjoyed but over all? It felt…FAKE. Why? Because I could COUNT on the fact that Christmas was one of two days per year where I was guaranteed not to be sexually abused. I used to think that was part of my gift from my stepfather but as an adult, I realize as pathetic as that sounds, he was too selfish to think like that. He didn’t hurt me because my mom was there all day and all night since no one worked on Christmas or holidays back then. It felt fake because I’d have to give him a hug and kiss to thank him (and my mom but that was fine, she was safe and loving). It felt fake because grandparents and others that visited later in the day, saw the beautiful tree, the pile of gifts for myself and my siblings, the smiling faces, etc and thought that everything is fine here.
Later, in 1990, my mom finally left my stepfather. A part of me felt guilty because he threatened to withhold financial support–and it was because of me, to punish me for telling. I was on my own by then and when the holidays came I felt I had to “make up for it” and so I bought like 4 or 5 gifts for each person. And have continued to do that even though my siblings are adults, my mom just turned 80, the family has enlarged etc. I can’t do it anymore. My brother doesn’t even wish me Merry Christmas half the time due to his addiction and mental health issues, the family says thanks but it’s like they don’t truly appreciate my effort to ensure THEIR joy at Christmas.
I dread it every year. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until the first week of January…
Lori (Velveteen Rabbit from Psych. Central)