I interpret this brutal honesty as comfort neglecting boundaries. This is one way parents neglect kids, they don’t allow them to have their own psychological and emotional safe space. In this way, this can replay in adulthood with thinking that everyone should be able to handle their “brutal honesty.”

It’s helpful to include “honesty” when describing the communication style because the speaker does identify with the unfiltered nature of their truth. But the forceful, aggressive, unsafe nature of the communication gets downplayed if we’re thinking about the recipient. It’s a lot to take.

Thank you for your good work.

I think I can relate…My husband was diagnosis with Asperger’s a few years into our marriage. I was blunt, and sometimes hostile due, to not understanding his withdrawn nature but we got good counseling and opened up world of wonder between us. Unfortunately, he passed away but I am still working on learning to be honest with compassion. I am currently studying with Non violent communication coaches. We cant talk too much about this so more articles will be wonderful.

Hi Tim,
I thought the same exactly. My ex narcissistic partner could say to me (and this was projection, which is what they typically do) “you are crazy”, “you are wrong, as always”, “you are stupid”, “you are fat”, “you have pimples, don’t eat chocolate” (yeah, and that pimple problem is actually hormonal).
So those comments were not brutally honest…they were just brutal. Brutal lies. When he was clearly wrong, he quickly turned it that way that it was me who is wrong etc. This is what toxic, manipulative people do.
I don’t know if there is any good way to respond to those.
If I tried, he quickly reacted with “no, you!” -defense, making me feel I had done something that made me “deserve” those comments. BS. Run away and don’t look back! I think that’s the only sane way to deal with those people!

Right, indeed, Tina!

Dear Kate, yes, I love that Maya Angelou quote too. It says so much. I’m sorry you grew up with CEN, but now, as a new therapist, you are in a unique position to help other CEN people from a deep and personal place.

Great article. The idea of truth with compassion really sits well for me. As someone who experienced CEN with parents who both worked in emergency-response and had mental health challenges, I developed an all or nothing approach to honesty. I either hold it all in, for fear of rejection or conflict, or blurt it all out if I’ve been holding it in for too long.

I am slowly but surely getting better at setting and maintaining compassionate boundaries, so I think truth with compassion will fit in nicely.

As a relatively new therapist myself, I am looking forward to seeing how this concept fits into my therapeutic work as well as my personal relationships. I love how the work I do for myself creates a ripple effect to the people I meet in my life and in my work. It reminds me of the quote by Maya Angelou – “people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”

Thank you!
Kate

Yes, I agree, Dannielle, there are so very many people who are living in the world of brutal honesty. It’s an unnecessarily harsh world.