Comments on: Childhood Emotional Neglect: The Voices of Experience

By: Alicia

Alicia — Mon, 23 Oct 2023 13:59:57 +0000

Neglecting children has far-reaching consequences, making it imperative for parents to prioritize their well-being. First and foremost, emotional neglect can lead to lasting psychological scars, affecting self-esteem and interpersonal relationships. A lack of attention and guidance can hinder cognitive development, resulting in poor academic performance and limited opportunities in adulthood. Moreover, neglected children are more vulnerable to engage in risky behaviors, including substance abuse. Neglect also perpetuates a cycle of emotional detachment, as neglected children often struggle to provide proper care to their own offspring in the future. Thus, parental presence and nurturing support are vital for a child’s healthy development and a brighter, more promising future.

By: Tdotgurl

Tdotgurl — Wed, 14 Dec 2022 02:01:30 +0000

I have a father who is a good man but he has faced a lot of trauma growing up and as a result has locked his emotions. Example he doesn’t understand why people get upset. We were watching a movie where this man went through a severe betrayal and breakup and he falls to the ground in tears. My father’s response “what is he doing?”. I’m like um he’s crying and breaking down because he’s heart broken? It literally didn’t register w my dad.

Years of growing up with various traumas and having a father who ignored them as he lives by the “keep calm carry on” motto (he does come from a military family where no one smiles or laughs or cries), has really done a number on me. I don’t know how to react properly to anything. I feel guilty when I am upset. I can’t keep a relationship as for some reason I have become uber sensitive and perceive almost everything as neglect :/

It has also damaged my relationship with my father who still can’t communicate feelings and doesn’t get upset nor understand why others do. My mother died 20 years ago and we can’t even talk about it.

So yes I believe emotional neglect is an abuse that parents should recognize as it can also have long lasting negative impact on children.

By: Glenda

Glenda — Sun, 30 Oct 2022 22:41:15 +0000

In reply to Jonice.

True, blame and responsibility are not the same thing, and that’s a very good point. Blaming my parents stopped me from recognising and feeling the feelings CEN brought up. It took time and working through a great deal of pain, but eventually I stopped blaming, but recognised and accepted my parents’ responsibility at a deep, emotional level rather than just “intellectually”.

That process also helped me recognise and deal with my part of the responsibility for my marriage’s breakdown. It’s helped in other areas of life, too.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Thu, 25 Nov 2021 14:02:09 +0000

In reply to Anne. Dear Anne, you do not have to blame anyone for CEN. But it is very important to hold your parents responsible. Blame and responsibility are not the same thing. It's important for you to do your best to figure out what happened (or didn't happen) and how it's affecting you. That is the route to a happier life and you deserve that!

By: Anne

Anne — Wed, 24 Nov 2021 15:40:26 +0000

I never felt there was any reason to be unhappy as a child growing up in a well-faring middle class family and doing very well in school. I however did suffer from an eating disorder in my teens, trying to get control over myself and my surrounding, hoping to become more succesfull and by that, more likable. Things started emotionally to detoriate as a student at university, sleeping with guys I did not even like, just to get some kind of attention. In the mean time, I did not feel as if an intimate partner would like me, if they would really get close to me. I did however find some trusting and loyal friendships, that last until this day.
At that time, the family started to crumble, as stories about severe domestic violence in my mothers family came out. My mother suffered from severe depressions, while one of her brothers got more suicidal every day, the other more narcissistic. In her depressed phase, however, my mother showed a lot of built-up anger, and her core family suffered from that immensely, as she would start to show immense passive-aggressiveness and self-centeredness. Especially my father took the blame in most situations, even when evidently not justified. I still hurts me to see, how my mother mocks my father passive-aggressively on a regular basis, instead of talking it out.
In my late twenties and thirties, I was getting from one destructive relationship to the next. My last partner, and father of my sweet child, turned out to be an classic narcissist (diagnosed during the separation by a psychologist appointed by the court). I fled due to domestic violence and moved abroad to escape him, living my life now in a foreign country, having to speak a foreign language on a daily basis.
Recovering from the abuse, I was inevitably confronted with my codependence, my anxiety, my intense shame, my feelings of being a failure deep down. Confronted with the intense sense of disgust towards my very own being.
Reading about abuse and neglect, it is really, really hard to acknowledge it might in fact happened to me already in my childhood. And that this neglect or even abuse, might have ‘primed’ me towards destructive relationships. Which would of course be no wonder, as my father has been raised by a classical narcissistic mother, my mother by a narcissistic father. They knew no better than teaching me to not ‘be in the way’, to be overly sensitive to someone else’s needs, to be forcefully happy (and congruent, thereby severly trying to suppress one’s true feelings), to ‘be reasonable’, explicitly telling me by phrases like ‘that’s no reason to be upset’, ‘you’re overly serious’, ‘can you imagine what it was like for me when I moved away from all my friends – you at least have got your job’ (or redirecting the discussion away from me towards her in any other way) or simply telling about other peoples kindnesses, talents, and successfully besieged struggles – leaving the comparison and conclusion to me. The tragedy is, that when my mother emrases me, and tells me how much she loves me, it does not feel real – which means she doesn’t mean it, or I am numbed, or both. I know it all was by no means with bad intent, or at least I would like to believe so. But it does explain how come I feel not worthy of being heard, in fact, feel repellant underneath.
I do have troubles accepting that I may be a victim of CEN, as if then I would be blaming my parents. I cannot confront them, as this would trigger furiousness and denial, leading to me taking the blame to great extent to be able to end the discussion. I simply do not know where to go from here. I however recently did purchase your book, and, God, I hope this will guide me a way out of the guilt, shame and pain.

By: Sharyn

Sharyn — Fri, 27 Aug 2021 03:23:07 +0000

I am now 60 years old and feel massively impacted by the triple whammy of CEN, emotional sensitivity and trauma. As a shy and sensitive child my father was mentally unwell and emotionally absent, my mother also unable to offer me the emotional warmth I needed. Then I experienced major trauma in my teens and 20’s including the loss of my father and brother and major sexual and psychological abuse, however I think I was unable to process what happened emotionally due to the CEN.

Now through learning about CEN I can see that my whole adult life has felt incredibly emotionally grim and barren because I’ve been unable to connect naturally with others since childhood, so there has been a dearth of people in my life.

For the first time in 20 years I recently got into a relationship with someone also affected by CEN but despite our best intentions we were unable to make it work and split after 4 months. I’ve also battled severe insomnia for 25 years and my theory is that it is because I’m emotionally unfulfilled. Functioning professionally is also very difficult because I suffer from huge performance anxiety. Since the loss of experiencing closeness with others I also developed a spending addiction which has left me financially vulnerable as well as being alone, aging and unsupported.

Life is tough and learning about CEN has been a very sobering experience for me. As I’ve put the pieces together its helped me understand why I feel so damaged as a person, but I understand its vital in order for me to to start the healing process. So I feel very grateful to have this knowledge thank you x

By: Jonice

Jonice — Wed, 25 Aug 2021 12:25:12 +0000

In reply to Sarah. Dear Sarah, I'm sorry you grew up with so little emotional nourishment. It's wonderful that you are working to heal yourself and can see the positives of your work. Keep it up!

By: Jonice

Jonice — Wed, 25 Aug 2021 12:22:50 +0000

In reply to Pat. Dear Pat, remember that CEN transfers silently through generations. The fact that you are working to stop it is admirable. Keep on working!

By: Sarah

Sarah — Tue, 24 Aug 2021 10:34:56 +0000

I’m a 45 year old single woman. My mother was a covert narcissistic and my much older father (he was 59 when I was born) did everything to please her and make her happy. I was very much ‘seen but not heard’. Emotions were not discussed and my mother’s interest in me was limited to making sure I was healthy. My father was kind but emotionally absent and left my upbringing mostly to my mother. Reading Running on Empty and discovering the far reaching consequences of CEN has been life-changing for me and has explained so many aspects of why I am the way I am. I have a good circle of friends but I have never managed to sustain a romantic relationship, something which has hugely distressed me (having seen all my friends get married and have children). However, I am working hard to change what I now realise were very wrong and unhealthy thinking patterns and trying to be hopeful and optimistic about the future.

By: Cary

Cary — Mon, 23 Aug 2021 19:47:26 +0000

In reply to Tallulah. Hey, Tallulah! Just wanted to say that I was raised by an autistic parent and in my case a codependent parent. It's hard. Reading Dr. Webb's books and connecting with other folks learning about it has for me been the road to recovery. Best of luck.