Comments on: Four Steps to Heal an Emotionally Neglectful Relationship

By: Jonice

Jonice — Tue, 14 Apr 2020 20:19:57 +0000

In reply to Rebecca. Dear Rebecca, it does take two to fix a marriage. I suggest you insist that your husband see a CEN-trained therapist (see the list under the HELP tab on this website). If your husband will not go, then I suggest you go on your own. You will likely need some help with this.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Mon, 13 Apr 2020 18:08:02 +0000

I’ve read your books and have come to understand that CEN is something both my husband and I experience. My husband is very high functioning but also a little bit on the spectrum which complicates the emotional intelligence aspect. He agrees that he has both CEN and is on the spectrum and does not understand my need to do anything about healing our emotional connection. Do you have any experience and/or advice for this particular CEN partnership?

By: Jonice

Jonice — Tue, 07 Apr 2020 20:01:05 +0000

In reply to Kim. Dear Kim, I am so sorry that your husband's not able to tolerate you having needs and asking for things. It sounds like maybe you have a CEN therapist? If not, I suggest you get one. Once a therapist gets to know you they will be far better able to advise you about your marriage. It is very important that you keep moving forward and speaking up regardless of your husband's reactions.

By: Kim

Kim — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 21:15:21 +0000

Thank you for the work you do! I have recently learned that I do have CEN from my teen years. 20+ years later my marriage is also in extreme neglect. I have learned to speak up for my needs, however my husband dismisses them still and thinks I’m selfish.
Is it possible to move forward in a marriage that comtinues to promote all the things I’m trying to get away from? How can there be any hope?
I am still unheard 30 years later…

By: Jonice

Jonice — Sun, 29 Mar 2020 15:19:37 +0000

In reply to Louise. Dear Louise, I am very sorry for your experience of abuse and i'm glad you are getting help with it! When you say you haven't had any "intense CEN experience" I want to tell you that most people have not. CEN is not intense; in fact, it feels like nothing.

By: Louise

Louise — Mon, 23 Mar 2020 14:05:48 +0000

Hi Jonice, Thank you for this. I identify with the woman’s comment above. Have been experiencing some form of emotional and verbal abuse in marriage for about 20 years, though I never recognized it until about 4 years ago, as it had intensified. I have tried to figure out the ways that I treat myself or what I experienced as a child that made me susceptible. I did not have an intense CEN experience that I can recognize, although there was not a lot of conversation and language around emotion. I came into marriage not knowing how to deal with anger and conflict because I didn’t see a lot of it, and was also predisposed to be avoidant. I would ignore rather than address, and with the defiance/emotional battery from spouse, I tried to escape all the more. I am trying to face all of this now, and we are in counseling, but it is difficult. He has narcissistic tendencies, is also on medication that may be affecting his ability to reason and focus, and presents illogical, demanding behaviors. Trying to love myself in the midst of hanging on to a relationship that feels very unloving, and is a rollercoaster. The children and the hope of something better keeps me.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Sun, 22 Mar 2020 23:22:45 +0000

In reply to ashlynn. Dear Ashlynn, CEN can make you believe you deserve to be treated as less-than. Fortunately, it sounds like you are working your way towards the point where you can demand to be treated with dignity and care. Please do see an individual counselor. You do not deserve to be abused! It is undoubtedly harming you in ways far beyond what you can imagine right now.

By: ashlynn

ashlynn — Sun, 22 Mar 2020 19:24:48 +0000

I am working on growing and healing from my own past of codependent emotional responses (after caregiving for parents as a child) and codependent communication patterns that persist, event after the root problem of feeling too responsible for others has been cut. My over-accommodating patterns are one way our marriage has been challenged. At the same time, my partner has been verbally aggressive (pervasively insulting, demeaning, etc. – not name-calling nor withholding) towards me for a number of years. I am looking to begin individual counseling again. But conceptually, can you speak to this? Is it CEN or verbal abuse or both that is blocking our growth and perpetuating pain and distance? And what to do about it? Note: we have tried couples counseling in the past, and it is very painful to me bc the aggressive aspects of our relationship remain under the table. I prefer individual counseling until one or both of us is ready for couples counseling again. Meanwhile, thoughts re CEN and verbal abuse and how to heal?