Comments on: Got Kids? 6 Ways to Make Them Emotionally Resilient

By: Jonice

Jonice — Tue, 02 Nov 2021 11:40:47 +0000

In reply to Erika. Dear Erika, thank you for sharing your story and the things you have realized and learned. Your journey is valuable and well-earned.

By: Erika

Erika — Sun, 24 Oct 2021 16:45:01 +0000

Dr Webb,
I have both your books and get your blogs. Thank you. Thank you for putting this so obvious, yet mostly ignored issue out there in such a concise and digestible way. Like a previous commentor said, I often see your email with your blog subject line and say to myself “how did she know?”. I can’t articulate how thankful I am for your information. I have been able to wake from a fog of confusion and see the reality of my situation. The most difficult parts of this journey to honoring myself have been a) knowing and accepting that not only have my parents failed me emotionally, but they are stuck in a place where they can’t not fail me. Knowing that helps and also hurts in equal and alternating measure. And b) society is afraid of a broken parent/child relationship. It is easier to think that the parent always does “the best they can” and everything else is forgiven. That is a toxic message. It puts the owness on the child and not the caregiver. I came across your work because I was perpetuating that pattern with my own young child and I just felt something was wrong. I was doing what I knew from my family. But the conflict felt unnatural. Time outs and bribes to get along were continually severing our emotional connection. And remembering the feeling of not being comfortable enough to ask my mother for attention from a very young age drove me to search out what was wrong. I acknowledge I did damage for her first years but I now know myself for really the first time in my life. To know I am worthy of boundaries. She and I have a chance to be the last in the generational cycle, together. I started working on me for her, but now I know that I am worth the work just for me, too. The message that the child is the cause of the conflict is wrong. As with me and my daughter, I needed to change if we had conflict. The first reaction from any parent over 50 and most younger people (shed what dosen’t serve your healing!), is shame on me for not “honoring thy mother and father”. I used to react to this each time, but I now see that it is a judgment that reflects their fear. And the base of that fear is that they will be in the position of my parents: on the outside of a boundary they can’t control. I am worthy of healthy relating. Thank you, Dr Webb for helping me on my journey (that is NOT over!) and please keep up the great work! You have reached more people than you likely know. Thank you.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Tue, 19 Oct 2021 14:27:31 +0000

In reply to Betty. You're welcome Betty. I'm happy you took it all in so well. Take care!

By: Jonice

Jonice — Tue, 19 Oct 2021 14:26:54 +0000

In reply to Babs. I'm so glad to be helpful, Babs! Yes, we have many opportunities and much knowledge that our parents didn't.

By: Stephen

Stephen — Mon, 18 Oct 2021 20:58:42 +0000

I “knew” I was loved but didn’t know what that meant or felt like. I assumed it was more of an obligation to my parents. I told them the bare minimum about my life and now when I talk about my childhood to them they dont remember much. I remember having a couple break downs but nothing was ever addressed and I cried a few times when I was a kid but other than that I tried to never show any emotion so no one could manipulate me. I hid my interests and friends and they barely ever knew what I was doing at school. But I was top of my class and teachers pet. Never got in trouble or misbehaved. The worst thing I did as a kid was not do enough chores, have too much homework that i didnt get done fast enough, and I started to date and hang out with friends when I was 18. My parents could only threaten to punish me by taking away my books and homework. I would get berated for not understanding how to help my dad do 5 years of back taxes with barely any explanation from him when I was 14. I realized young that my parents had very emotionally strong reactions to things and I had to walk on eggshells around them and know what was ok to talk about, and that was usually not personal things. I would meditate on not feeling anything and having a flat affect and blank stare and tell myself I could be a person when I grow up and move out. Now though I just feel empty most of the time and the things I wanted to do as a kid seem pointless and hollow. I definitely feel I missed some crucial developmental stages. I’m always a bit confused and feel behind in social situations. Definitely felt like a reverse parenting situation where I was trying to get them to do chores and make food and stay on top of mail and help them with financial decisions and work through their past trauma.

By: Betty

Betty — Mon, 18 Oct 2021 03:49:13 +0000

Awareness of the emotions, delicate sensitivities that we have as children, and CEN women, and men, still have. Thanks for saying we can yet realize emotional resilience and Self love, and saying how.

By: Babs

Babs — Mon, 18 Oct 2021 02:46:45 +0000

These 6 steps are extremely important for today’s parent. Thank you Dr. Webb.

As someone who experiences CEN it was easy to fall into the trap of reconfiguring my personality outside of the home to get the connection I so desperately needed. Essentially, this desperate need for a connection left me trying to be everything to everybody but empty inside. I carried this dysfunction well into adulthood.

Today’s parent has the opportunity to give their kids a thriving and stable emotional connection. Today’s parent also gets to know with clarity why it is so important. Again, thank you for the work you do Dr. Webb.

By: ACowls

ACowls — Tue, 28 Mar 2017 21:14:45 +0000

Powerful article. I’m researching Emotional Intelligence at the moment – does this go by trait or ability model? Many thanks

By: Mims

Mims — Wed, 22 Mar 2017 14:24:15 +0000

This article really struck me – particular points #1 and #3. Throughout my childhood and into the present:

Point #1: I have never felt accepted for who I really am. Different members of my family have always tried to change me or tell me I should be a particular way. This has led to a deep sense of self-hatred.

Point #3: My feelings or reactions towards things were always “wrong”, “overreactive”, “overemotional”, “crazy”. As a result, I neglect my needs and assume that I’m always wrong to feel or think a certain way.

I have gotten better, but the damage is still there. I hope I can one day overcome it. If I ever have children, I will strive not to make the same mistakes my family did with me.

By: Tyler

Tyler — Sun, 19 Mar 2017 17:16:51 +0000

As much as I wanted children of my own most of my life I’m glad it didn’t turn out that way. I believe that I would have passed it on no matter much I tried to fight it.