I’m so sorry, Sarah, this is horrible. I wish healing and health for you and your daughter.

Dear Vivian, thank you for sharing this. I encourage you to just keep healing yourself and stay available and in contact with your daughter, no matter what you do or don’t get back from her. The key is to be in “emotional giving mode” with her and do not expect anything back from her emotionally. She will feel it.

Dear Tanya, thank you so much for sharing your comment. It’s very helpful to hear your thoughts and explanations. No doubt about it, the black race has suffered sustained Emotional Neglect. All my best to you!

Dear Ros, instead of controlling your anger, maybe you can try to process it. Accept your anger, own it, and put it into words. Perhaps you can write a letter to your parents describing your anger and why you have it. You do not need to send the letter! Just writing it will help you process and release your feeling. I encourage you to seek out a CEN therapist from the list for help processing your anger as well. All my best wishes!

JB,

I’m a black woman, (attorney, multiple degrees, written 2 books) and I only JUST recently learned how best to explain Black Lives Matter. So I’m not judging anyone else who has been confused by it before now, as I couldn’t translate it well enough myself even with my background.

Example: My Stepmom had breast cancer. She’s a survivor and now volunteers at hospitals and fundraisers. If we were at a fundraiser with her and someone came running into the room yelling “LIVER CANCER MATTERS” you would think they were a jerk.

Having a rally to attract attention to and support breast cancer does not take anything from Liver Cancer or Prostate Cancer. It’s the people closely impacted by a subject asking others to care like they do.

An even more accurate analogy would be if our rally were for a rare and underfunded form of cancer, like Adult Leukemia, and the very well funded, mainstream, big pink ribbon breast cancer folks showed up demanding our stage.

I loved this analogy soo much, I’ve decided expanded on it and share it here.

I’m glad you can look at your upbringing and spot the seeds of your anger. This article and you are both right, that something inside of us has to feed the anger we direct outside of us.

I’m glad you shared because soo many people will read our words. Very brave and thank you.

Tanya,
Black Wife of a White CEN Man

P.S. And because you are kind and this is a race discussion in part, I’ll share this thought with you also. I do not like the word racist. I’d use it for the kind of people who would call me the N word in traffic. However, I believe it’s a mistake to use the term “Anti-Racist” as a rallying cry. I think it makes people avoid looking at themselves because who wants to put their hand up for THAT? I wouldn’t.

The best definition for white privilege (I’ve never used this phrase in 46 years & its everywhere now) is that your life has not been made HARDER by the color of your skin.

Most would agree, it’s often made easier – but erase that bit because you grew up poor. It just wasn’t made HARDER. Are all white people racist? Of course not. That’s asinine.

Have whites been automatic beneficiaries of something that someone else paid for? Yes. That’s what I think is being surfaced, at least by non radical folks.

It is that subtle, automatic beneficiary status, that you’d receive, even unasked for, that I would not, that is at issue.

If you have that, and you do, acknowledge it those who do NOT have it, are tired of not being able to get it and often, paid for it. Guilt is not required but humility is helpful.

The observations of “I didn’t ask for it” and “I don’t agree with it” should never precede or supplant “I have it”. That last bit gives me the empathy I think many are seeking. 🙂

I hope you received this as it was intended, an attempt to give some new perspectives that you can then share with other good people you know.

As suffers of CEN and it’s effects we know how VALUABLE it is to just feel HEARD. Thank you all for listening.

And thank you to Dr. Webb for opening her forum in this way. These are dangerous times for white people to speak up (so many are being verbally pounced on, which makes me cringe) and I respect your clarity and your willingness to swim past the buoys of safety.

Oddly enough, it would seem the black race has suffered sustained Emotional Neglect and just like us CEN folks, are struggling to find their way through the pain of it to recovery.

Dear Emily, actually healing doesn’t happen through spouses and children. Healing CEN happens within yourself and how you treat your own emotions and that’s what the entire book, Running On Empty, is about. I did write my second book, and also blog, about marriage and parenting too because when you start healing yourself, it has ripple effects in every area of your life. I surely do take your point and your request. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Dear Janet, I’m sorry that happened to you. This is the harm that goes around and around in the world. Harmed children harm other children. Who knows what those girls were dealing with in their own lives. And now you are harmed by it too. Any time children are mistreated for any reason, it has ripple effects. Thanks for sharing.