Comments on: How COVID-19 May Be Affecting Your Relationship With Your Emotionally Neglectful Parents at the Holidays https://drjonicewebb.com/how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays Your resource for relationship and emotional health. Wed, 09 Nov 2022 20:13:57 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9 By: Karen https://drjonicewebb.com/how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays/comment-page-1/#comment-12190 Wed, 21 Apr 2021 20:17:14 +0000 https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/?p=4405#comment-12190 Dear Jonice, I came across this article browsing on your website. My father, now over 100, and living 15 miles away in a care home with my stepmother is adamant that he does not want me to visit them, and has been like this for years ever since he got involved with my stepmother. Because of this we used to meet in a pub for lunch and catch up because stepmother drives and I do not and am recovering from cfs. I took particular care to give them flowers each time and thank them for the lunch and small gifts that my father likes to give me. It is now April 2021, the last time I saw them was August last year, as a friend dropped me off. Since then I continued to keep in touch but now, since the jabs have been rolled out, father has become frailer but still does not want me to visit. It was very different when my mother was alive, I would regularly visit my parents and they would visit me, but it seems ever since he remarried, he does not want me visiting them, although he continues to offer finance (I am on State Support) because I cannot work, even if I insist he does not need to as I don’t want him to think I am only wanting his money. Last week after months apart when he again told me he did not want me to visit, nor even to write now, all the hurt came out after the call, and I called a support line in the middle of the night to share the pain because i wanted my feelings and needs to be heard, understood and validated, and then I calmed down. I am keeping things pleasant with my very elderly parent and have just accepted that is the way things are. My situation is very similar to Sharon above – my brother is the same. I am the one who reaches out and rarely hear back from him either. He actually rang up this year to ask if I had a nice birthday during lockdown – he has never done that, and I actually wondered whether he was being sarcastic and doing it to be cruel because of the lockdown. When I took the call I thought he was ringing about a crisis, which shocked him and he explained (as above). After the last fob-off from dad, the light went on and I realised I had probably experienced emotional abuse/neglect as a child (I’ve never married) and both my brother and I have had a rough time in life and I cannot get close to him. My parents were quite controlling, especially my mother and she could say cruel things and was quite judgmental, my father less so. Also when I got caught by a cult at age 19, they tried to kidnap me and force me to come home and take me to a psychiatrist which frightened me because I was under mind control. Their reaction was to sell the family home and go off to another continent and dad did not speak to me for 2 years. As a result of losing the family home, dialogue broke down and I was stuck in a bad situation and suffered serious abuse from which I have never recovered. I am quite sure if they had stayed put, I would have eventually left and come home and escaped the abuse and maybe married. Eventually I managed to leave and they came home but they never suggested counselling for what I had been through; I always felt like the “black sheep” of the family and that my “behaviour” was all my fault. My mother once turned on me years after and told me nastily: “you’ll never get married”! I almost feel I would like to get married just to prove her wrong because of all the shame and humiliation that made me feel. My father’s distancing makes me as if I am being shunned for some reason. Anyway I decided this week to seek support and counselling to work on emotions and decided not to offer to visit either of them again and I will not call for a while; usually my brother only wants to speak to me at Christmas. I also decided to stop sending flowers to my dad and stepmum but will ring up to thank him for gifts and have a short chat. This seems hard, but I simply cannot continue to pour out and get emotional abuse back. At times I have wondered if the cruelty may even be intentional, but they may simply be disconnected from their own feelings. I do not think dad realises what he is doing but he seems to want to control everything around him and gets angry if he doesn’t get his own way. I think he is fearful and insecure and maybe frightened he cannot control his own death. He even rang me up and asked me if I wanted to speak at his funeral as if he was arranging a business meeting. I was flabbergasted and said it depended on how I felt at the time. I am calm now but there were lots of tears this week, however enough is enough. I have decided to take care of myself for a change. I seem to attract needy people, some are polite and respectful back, but I am tired of showing love and kindness and respect to my family, only to get neglect and downright abuse back, so am drawing a line in the sand now I see it for what it is and what it is doing to me emotionally. I started to question who and what I am, whether I am even likeable or loveable and even my own worth. That was the red light – no more!

]]> By: zeeky https://drjonicewebb.com/how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays/comment-page-1/#comment-11506 Wed, 30 Dec 2020 14:00:07 +0000 https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/?p=4405#comment-11506 In reply to Jonice.

Going to a therapist already. Right now focusing on the trauma that is restricting me from starting new relationships. But definitely going to make sure to focus on the CEN aspects as well.

]]> By: Jonice https://drjonicewebb.com/how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays/comment-page-1/#comment-11477 Sun, 27 Dec 2020 21:54:03 +0000 https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/?p=4405#comment-11477 In reply to zeeky.

Dear Zeeky, it is healthy to look for an emotionally validating relationship with an adult. Have you considered seeking a CEN therapist? Check the list on this website under the Help Tab.

]]> By: zeeky https://drjonicewebb.com/how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays/comment-page-1/#comment-11469 Thu, 24 Dec 2020 19:14:53 +0000 https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/?p=4405#comment-11469 Thanks again for all your info you put out it really is amazing. I’m a 20 year old who has CEN parents. I suffer from CPTSD. The question is, my father is a great person who does not have the capacity to understand my emotional health (at least at this point), and is one of my many triggers. The thing is, I need an adult in my life. (to feel part of something and to feel safe/secure).
At what point do you recommend looking elsewhere for parental (safety/security) support?

]]> By: Sharon https://drjonicewebb.com/how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays/comment-page-1/#comment-11464 Wed, 23 Dec 2020 02:08:00 +0000 https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/?p=4405#comment-11464 In reply to Jonice.

Thank you Jonice for your response and your suggestion. I will try this during our Zoom call Christmas Day.

]]> By: Jonice https://drjonicewebb.com/how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays/comment-page-1/#comment-11461 Mon, 21 Dec 2020 01:42:47 +0000 https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/?p=4405#comment-11461 In reply to Caroline.

Dear Caroline, I encourage you to pay more attention to your unruly feelings. Try to understand what they are, why you’re having them, and what they are telling you. The only way through feelings is to go through them, not around them.

]]> By: Jonice https://drjonicewebb.com/how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays/comment-page-1/#comment-11460 Mon, 21 Dec 2020 01:39:41 +0000 https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/?p=4405#comment-11460 In reply to Maria.

Yes, definitely, Maria. It is exactly that. I hope you’ll put yourself first.

]]> By: Jonice https://drjonicewebb.com/how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays/comment-page-1/#comment-11459 Mon, 21 Dec 2020 01:39:11 +0000 https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/?p=4405#comment-11459 In reply to Laverne.

I’m so glad to be helpful to you, Laverne. I hope you’ll do everything you can to heal your CEN

]]> By: Jonice https://drjonicewebb.com/how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays/comment-page-1/#comment-11458 Mon, 21 Dec 2020 01:38:40 +0000 https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/?p=4405#comment-11458 In reply to Diane.

Dear Diane, it sounds like you have found a way to cope with having a mother who’s incapable of loving you. I’m glad you are seeking and accepting love from your husband and kids and friends.

]]> By: Jonice https://drjonicewebb.com/how-covid-19-may-be-affecting-your-relationship-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents-at-the-holidays/comment-page-1/#comment-11457 Mon, 21 Dec 2020 01:37:04 +0000 https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/?p=4405#comment-11457 In reply to Sharon.

Dear Sharon, just a thought… perhaps you could try saying nothing during the Zoom calls to see what will happen. It sounds like you are doing all the work, and everyone else is letting you. I wonder what would happen if you stopped taking care of everyone else.

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