Dear Katarina, this sounds like a painful situation for all. Perhaps you could ask your daughter exactly what went on during those visits and why they were so exhausting if you haven’t already done so.

My teenage daughter has been severely ill for years now, fearful, depressed and withdrawn from life. While I have possibly passed some CEN onto her I wonder if the years in which she was forced (by the Family Court) to spend regular time with her father was interpreted as emotional and physical abandonment? She (and her brother) would return home after weekend or longer visits and describe their exhaustion at pretending that they were happy and ok for the entire visit, and my daughter would become extremely distressed before each visit. Even though she begged to stay home I had to tell her that I could do nothing to stop the visits.

Dear Kaylie, I think you would benefit from seeing a trauma specialist. Many therapists are trained in it, and I hope you will find a good one. You deserve to be understood, guided and supported through the process of healing your childhood trauma. All my best wishes to you.

I have been suicidal for years. My brother and my cousin committed suicide. I have found over the years that therapists are often not well-equipped to deal with those feelings, often simply having me sign a contract, and telling me that suicide is not the answer. I suspect often that therapists are busy trying to protect themselves and to control the situation and forget that even if I stay alive, the deep sadness and sense of worthlessness doesn’t change. It hasn’t even with years of therapy. Hoping I can at least find a community where others might feel similar.

Dear Tim, you are so right that there is a time for parents to let go but the timing must be right. I’m glad you are progressing in your healing. Keep it up!

There were a couple experiences that I remember that felt like significant abandonment, and I know that I shut down and withdrew from my family and parents to a greater or lesser extent each time. My mother (who has changed greatly for the better over the last number of years) once mentioned a time when I pushed both her and my father away, and I suspect it was in response to one of those abandonment experiences (presumably the second one, which was around age 6). The really sad part is that I was an incredibly honest child, and the only thing that needed to happen to completely transform everything was for somebody to pull me aside, ask me what was wrong, and not settle for the initial “nothing” response that I believed to be expected. I don’t recall ever getting pulled aside and asked if everything was okay, much less actually being pressed on the issue.

Part of the irony is that my parents essentially started treating me as an adult while I was still quite young. The way they treat me now is essentially the same as the way they treated me then, but as an adult now I’m really appreciative of the fact that they will respect my decisions without pushing back on them. As a child, that lack of pushback was the ultimate expression of abandonment, and now as an adult it’s experienced as the very positive trait of being able to let go instead of attempting to live vicariously through me.

There is a time and a place for parents to begin letting go and a time and a place for them to finish that process. In neither case has the time or place arrived while the child isn’t even halfway to being a teen yet. Someday, I’ll get to a point where the trauma of it loses the last of its grip on me, but I’m not there yet. I’ve been seeing some really significant progress lately, and that’s always an encouraging thing to see.

Dear Dorothy, I know it’s painful to realize but the positive side is that you can heal it. And you’ve already taken he first step which is becoming aware.

I’m sorry that happened to you. Just keep in mind that you can heal your CEN. It’s important!

Thank you Jonice. My adoptive parents were caring, but emotionally distant and ultra practical. They absolutely bought into everything the doctors said and did. I had no knowledge or say in any of it. As a teenager I once woke up from surgery to discover my genitals had been cut in half. It was a planned surgical procedure but I wasn’t told. It’s so hard to accept, to believe my traits are caused by CEN, but there seems just too much coincidence to discount it. The slow realisation makes my blood run cold. Thank you for the insights.