Dear Margot, this is a complex family story. When parents leave unequal amounts to their children in their wills it almost always leads to anger and hurt among the siblings. I wish your father had used his own money to pay for his care and that may have prevented this problem! That said, I hope you will stand strong and protect yourself. As long as you’re certain you did nothing manipulative or wrong, you can keep your boundaries with your sibs and take care of your own feelings and needs.

My mom raised me similarly… no feelings allowed. “when you feel bad do something for someone else” “Give until it hurts” Crying never solved anything, get up and get on with it” “When life gets tough the tough get going”

My father was born in 1915, saw the depression as a teen, fought in the war, came home with pride and confidence in himself and the 1950’s mentality of strong men, supportive wife. He was raised hard to be a man and raised my brother the same, with a belt and firm hand.

It may have been the times, being raised in the depression, a teen in WW2, but it seems my mom never allowed emotions to be show except happiness or full tilt explosive anger. and lots of passive aggressive jabs, That’s all I knew and even happiness I’m not sure of, perhaps it is really just pretend to be happy to please other and “behave properly”
be good, be right, please others, don’t make a fuss.

My teen years were difficult, abusive older siblings and I was black sheep too emotional and needy. looking for approval and not meeting the bar my mom set. Not a girly girl, more my dads helper.

My mom was depressive after the death of my younger sister as a baby. She had a hard time with menopause and my Father had affairs. She withdrew from everyone by my 13th birthday, no celebrations for me and we kind of raise ourselves. Not much care or guidance. My mom commited suicide at 57 when I was 17. We never talked about it. No funeral. Just carried on. I came back from christmas break and never told anyone my mom died. Never cried. Just carried on with school, looking after the house and my Dad.
I had a severe accident 6 mths later and nearly died. Even in emerg I was worried my dad would be mad at me, or would have a heart attack and die and it would be my fault that I was selfish and got run over. I was in hospital 3 mths and many surgeries. I was supposed to die, to lose my leg, to never walk, never have kids….My job was to get well my dad said. Never give up. It took a yr to learn to walk again so I could get back to School. I sued the bus co and got a settlement which I invested and have done well from.

My brother took off 3 days after my accident… getting in trouble with police and running out on loans etc that my dad signed for. He didn’t even know if I’d live,,, he just left.
My brother didn’t talk to my father for 35 years cause my Dad wanted him to pay back the debts he left. He died never resolving things. My dad left him $1000.

My sister just took over the house and basically had my dad pay for everything for her and her friends… still did it after she married and borrowed, took, manipulated, guilted money from my dad for the rest of his life. He live with her and paid huge amounts of money to her as rent. She stop speaking to him after he was broke. He called me for help I moved him into care which I paid for. She hadn’t spoken to him in 8 years when he past. She was left a half of his estate but there was nothing much left. 2k She owed him over 100k in loans.

I spent 90 dys in hsptl talking with and getting to know my dad as a person. Not many kids do that. Over the years we had big disagreements about issues, but we also respected and gave advice to each other, for the better good of all. We didnt always get along. We didnt speak for a bit because I didn’t agree with they way he treated women and made passes at them. It bordered on assault in my mind.
When my dad was broke I did what I could to help him, but that meant him selling part of is land to me that was a family lot. I cared for him as he aged, and my siblings stopped speaking to him.We tried to get them to come to family events, but they wouldn’t , They did cash the cheques he sent for christmas and Birthdays though

My father has died and left me the balance of the lots to repay me for paying his seniors care costs.
My siblings cried crocodile tears at the funeral and were mad that i “kept him” from them…but were more mad that they didn’t get any more from the estate.

The point is… what is selfish, what is duty, what is strong, what is self preservation. what is doing things to make life easier… what is doing things cause you are excepted to, or cause it looks right to others.

Why is just trying to do the the right thing for someone always seem to be twisted by others.

I don’t understand how my siblings can not see my Dad but then blame me for it. AND expect to receive lands from someone who theyused and took from but ignored and abandoned when he needed help. But me helping my Dad and paying for his debts and care and receiving recompense for that from him it seen by them as manipulative and conniving.
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Was I selfish? Was I strong? I am just trying to understand if I was wrong…or if I should have tried more to rebuild their relationship with him.

Am I selfish to be glad of being a good daughter? To be glad my father acknowledged and validated my care of him ?

Sorry long post.. lots of conflicted feelings.

Dear Tracy, you may be looking for validation and love from a family who is unable to provide it. Please focus on yourself and your own life, and look for those things in new place, with people who can actually see you and are capable of loving you. You must put yourself first!

Dear C, I’m very glad to hear it. Keep up the good work!

Dear Karen, all children are “selfish.” It’s part of human development. Teens are too! I’m glad my work has been helpful to you.

Dear Alice, please see a therapist to try to figure out what’s going on. Anxiety often requires a combo on therapy and medication.