Comments on: How To Prevent Emotional Neglect In Marriage

By: Jonice

Jonice — Tue, 10 Oct 2023 13:19:55 +0000

In reply to Michael. Dear Michael, I'm sorry you are struggling like this! But please be very careful about diagnosing your spouse. I urge you to have a meeting with a trained therapist to check on your current way of thinking about yourself, your wife, and your marriage. A couple's therapist would be best and your wife should be there too. I hope you can make this happen.

By: Michael

Michael — Tue, 10 Oct 2023 13:06:56 +0000

I just diagnosed my wife with Vulnerable Narcissism, as she has an excessive need for praise and tends to be more sensitive than superior-feeling. After reading some of Dr. Jonice’s articles years ago, I determined that I have CEN. I have both her books and am working on recovery. In “Running on Empty No More,” she says that CENs attract narcissists like a hand fits a glove. Who is a better match for a take-up-no-space CEN than a take-up-a-lot-of-space narcissist? My relationship with my wife is a testament of that. But I still want to recover from CEN, while at the same time, maintaining my marriage. When I try to invite my wife to help me meet my deeply-seated needs, she tends to feel threatened, like she’s losing control, and refuses to cede control by twisting the situation around and making it all about her—why can’t we work more on meeting her needs? It’s frustrating. Now I’m studying about how to live with a narcissist.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Sun, 07 Mar 2021 22:52:21 +0000

In reply to Michelle. Michelle, watch for my Healing Emotional Neglect in Marriage online program for couples, it will be available soon. You can also contact a therapist on my Find A CEN Therapist List awho specializes in couples therapy. There is help available.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Sun, 07 Mar 2021 20:44:15 +0000

I love my husband dearly and we have been married 10 years this year and have two great kids together. I have emotionally neglected not husband for years and he has been great with talking openly abput how he feels, but I have left it too late as he has distanced himself from me and we have lost the connection we once had. He finds me frustrating and I feel does not want to be in my company anymore and I am more of a hindrance rather than a partner in his life now. I promise to change the issues that have been addressed but fail to deliver not because I don’t want too, totally the opposite I keep letting him down……I feel sick with pain of mistreatment of him. I love him and in love what we had and want to get connected with him again, but have left it too late. Can you help?

By: Starr

Starr — Sat, 22 Aug 2020 02:59:52 +0000

I love my husband but I dont think he understands how much he has hurt me over the years an I want to get over them an need to talk about something I get told to just leave stuff alone .I have supported him in his decisions then a few months ago his family tried to get him to leave me for somebody from his past. Then he talked t ok her on my phone his was broke we had ymwifi so I just connected my phone an he used mine to talk to somebody else. Now I was ready to leave I packed some stuff an drove for a bit . I ended up at my parents an he ran there to ask me to come home. I want to believe it wont happen again but iv been hurt in the past by my high school sweetheart

By: Jonice

Jonice — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 15:10:46 +0000

In reply to Dan. Dear Dan, please seek the help of a cEN therapist on the Find A CEN Therapist page. You will do much better with guidance and support, and help to understand more about how CEN works. e.g., it's never just one incident.

By: Dan

Dan — Tue, 08 Oct 2019 21:05:25 +0000

Hi Jonice,

After being the emotionally neglectful one myself, how an earth can i come back from it after realizing it. Because now were in deadlock and she refuses to be receptive to me trying to sort it. So it feels like ive made a mistake… 1 mistake (over a month or so) and the marriage is doomed. How can we all not be emotionally neglectful sometimes, no one is perfect! Its so frustrating. Seems a marriage is impossible if one time you forget to validate your partners feelings, or one time you act neglectful its over. Please Help!

By: Jonice

Jonice — Fri, 07 Dec 2018 20:07:45 +0000

In reply to Paul. Dear Paul, you ask a good question but I cannot answer it in this way. All I can say is that I strongly recommend you and your wife go to a recommended couple's therapist.

By: Paul

Paul — Fri, 07 Dec 2018 16:17:25 +0000

I see the importance of tuning into your spouse’s feelings. However, when your spouse chooses to have a negative perspective of life as the fuel of her feelings, and when she chooses to blame you for most of the things that she sees are wrong in the marriage, it is scary to try to tune into her feelings. It’s scary because you know that every time you ask “what’s wrong?” she will reply, “you did x and I feel hurt by you.” Over time you find out that you do so many things wrong that it eats up your confidence and you end up convincing yourself that you must be a very unfit person that inadvertently causes so much pain to the person that you’re supposed to love. Therefore, you must change who you are. How can you love yourself if you constantly bring so much pain to your spouse?
I think the crux of this discussion would be to determine what x is. The definition of x will be different for the spouses. It’s very hard when each movement you do, each sentence you say, each decision you make is defined as x by the other person.
Perhaps compromise on the definitions of x would be an option? Or simply not take every criticism you hear about yourself personally and take it as an opportunity to change into this being that will make your spouse happy? This being that obviously I’m not. Do I not deserve to be loved the way I am?
What would happen if both spouses would decide to have a positive outlook of life as the source of their feelings? If the eggs are burned in the morning, could we choose to say “I see that you’re sad for burning the eggs but hey, it’s a great opportunity to have other sources of protein that day”? Wouldn’t that be better than saying “How incompetent you are, you didn’t go to sleep early last night, therefore this morning you can’t pay attention to anything and you even burned the eggs. I feel angry at you because you’re wasting my time, and you don’t even make enough money for me to go buy breakfast at a decent place. Why can’t you be like Steve? He’s a good cook. He wakes up early and has his shit together, so that he can make edible eggs on time. I’ll be late to work because of your incompetence, because you chose to waste your night watching YouTube videos instead of taking care of yourself” Would you, Jonice, ask that spouse the next time “What is wrong?”

By: Julie

Julie — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 17:00:14 +0000

In reply to Jonice. Thank you for this comment. How do I know I'm not a narcissist? I started reading your book and I feel strongly that I was emotionally neglected as a child. My marriage is on the rocks and I want to so badly to give him vulnerability by being to talk to him about what I'm feeling. Honestly, most the time I do not even know what my true emotions are so I just say everything is fine when they're not. I love my husband but I don't show it the way he needs it. I'm just afraid that if he knew how I truly feel that it will upset him then eventually leave. It's difficult to get out of that mindset because he really wants to know my true emotion and him not knowing is what's going to drive him to leave.