Comments on: How to Resolve a Painful Emotion

By: Veerle

Veerle — Tue, 24 Jan 2023 10:02:02 +0000

In reply to sam. to Sam: a therapist in Belgium who is very much aware of CEN and that I can recommend is Jean-Marie Govaerts in Lokeren

By: Veerle

Veerle — Tue, 24 Jan 2023 09:49:22 +0000

Dear Dr. Webb,
Your work on CEN has opened my eyes and changed my life.
I was wondering if you also have helpful advice on learning how to respond to painful emotions in others. This is something I still struggle with: I can take my time to learn to sit with my own intense emotions, but I can’t afford not to be there when my partner needs me to respond to their painful emotions. My reflex to back away from pain has already caused a lot of extra pain between us, and I need hands-on advice that I can use right now to be able to give at least a minimum of comfort while I’m still struggling with the deeper issues.
Thank you very much for your insights.

By: Beverley

Beverley — Fri, 09 Sep 2022 22:51:26 +0000

– [ ] I grew up being told about the accounts my grandpa had for my two brothers and I. Over the years I saw our accounts grow and the last statement I remember seeing was when I was about 35 and my account was at 45K. My grandparents passed away and I never heard anything about the money. I figured it just didn’t end up happening and I never asked about it. Two weeks before my 45th birthday, I found a legal trust document with my name on it. It stated that on my 45h birthday I would have full control and access to this account. When I asked my mother (the trustee) about it, she got very upset and angry, got in her car and drove off. My Dad was furious at me for upsetting her and so I showed him the Trust and he said “I’ve never seen this before”. I just wanted to know how much money there was so I could make plans for what to do with it. My father said he would talk to my mom about it. He then came to me and said that because they had bailed me out over the years, we were even and to absolutely never bring it up again. I agreed. It hurt me greatly because all of the pieces started clicking into place. I remembered my brothers buying brand new Harley Davidsons and a stranger on the train even read my palm at the time, saying that I needed to talk to my mother about the money for me, that something was going on with it. I just shrugged it off at the time. What bothered me the most was all the secrets, it it felt like my whole family had conspired against me. I had been homeless and destitute for years. I had had a bad drug problem and had stayed away from my family. I was ashamed. At one point I did call the stockbroker and asked him about the account and he had said I needed to talk to my Mom, that she was the Trustee. I just put it all behind me and now at 52 I have a small savings I’d like to open an account with that same stockbroker, hoping to benefit from his expertise like the rest of my family has over the years. So I asked my folks about it and heard nothing back from them. When I asked whether they had had that conversation with him, my Mom said she remembers I had called him angrily and said I should go with a different guy who was also very good. She also said she didn’t want to re-live the “incident”. I had no intention of bringing anything up about it at all. I have been told I am the “identified patient” and I’ve heard numerous people say they didn’t even know my mom had a daughter. I know my mom thinks I’m almost disabled in a way when it comes to money and has always questioned and dashed my plans/dreams/ideas. I am crippled feeling, a huge disappointment. I am a recovering addict and my Dad still drinks which doesn’t bother me any more. My Mom has a secret eating disorder but had a drastic gastric bypass surgery when I was a kid because she was so self conscious about her weight. I feel like my mom is so embarrassed about me, that I’m still doing nothing with my life. It used to bother me that not once did they ever try to encourage me to find a husband, settle down and have a family. I know her friends and the rest of the family have been angry with me over the years because of all the pain I have caused her. She would cry and get so upset about me. I feel like she hates me and thinks I had so many opportunities, was pretty and very capable but did nothing with my life. How do I sort this out?

By: Jonice

Jonice — Thu, 30 Jun 2022 12:10:13 +0000

In reply to Sam. Dear Sam, this does sound like a significant issue. Can you and/or your partner see a therapist to help you sort through this? Jealousy can be a major threat to a relationship if it's not addressed, and it may take a professional to help you and your partner with it.

By: Sam

Sam — Thu, 30 Jun 2022 09:41:27 +0000

Hi Jonice,
Could you explain what might be some roots of irrational jealousy? Partner is frequently jealous for inappropriate reasons like, a worker coming to the house or a stranger coming to buy something at the house when partner, who does not live with me, is not there. Partner is concerned about me making new friends when taking a classes in the future. Partner has intense feelings of discomfort he needs to share. Also has ocd. Partner can’t understand why this is upsetting to me. Thank you, I am a big fan.

By: Monique

Monique — Tue, 28 Sep 2021 08:55:33 +0000

Hi,

I know exactly which events caused me the pain and the obstacles. I have a live memory of the these events and I cant process them, they keep hurting me. Should I forget them? I would like to transform them to my inner source of power, but I feel I’m not ready yet. How can I speed up the process? I guess physical exercise will help. But I also want to be sure to make the right decision for my future. Where to start? Cleaning up the past and leave the decision taking for now? Or it goes all together hand in hand? 🙂 Thank you, Monique

By: MW

MW — Sat, 15 May 2021 04:17:45 +0000

Dear Jonice
I have feelings that I feel and these feelings are not helping me in anything. The thing is I don’t know what that feeling is! I mean it’s part sadness part anger part frustration and part empty. It’s like a storm I can’t escape from. How do I overcome that
Again pls don’t email me or trace me. ( sorry I just kinda feel uncomfortable with you emailing me when I don’t know u)
Thanks
MW

By: Jonice

Jonice — Mon, 01 Mar 2021 15:31:35 +0000

In reply to Soni. Dear Soni, I think many baby boomer parents have been able to be emotionally attuned with their kids. But sadly, a large portion have not. I wish I had numbers to share with you but I do not.

By: Soni

Soni — Mon, 01 Mar 2021 06:35:40 +0000

Thankyou Jonice for your work, you provided the much needed pinhole of awareness, the ‘Ah-ha’ moment, which has further grown since!
Maybe I am just projecting my experience onto the world, but I’m curious as to your option of how many people in the world have CEN. Looking at our emotionally avoidant society, and common types of parenting post WW2, ‘seen and not heard’, ‘toughen up’ etc, I seem to think that perhaps being raised with CEN is the norm due to so much ‘big’ trauma and emotionally unaware societal norms taking too much space and energy from parents to be able to be emotionally present? Is this correct, or have there been many emotionally aware parents in the last few generations and I haven’t been privvy to that so my view of the world is skewed? Thanks!

By: Kirsten

Kirsten — Fri, 12 Feb 2021 05:14:16 +0000

Interesting! I’ve been struggling at work. I’m feeling disliked, unpopular, disregarded, ignored, slighted, and like I am surrounded by a team of “mean girls” who bully me. I realize I’ve felt this way before in certain situations, in childhood. But not always, sometimes I feel like I really belong. I’m wondering if I need to move into a different type of role in my professional career without being part of a team like this, or if I can work through the feelings this work situation is bringing up. I really like the company but I don’t like my teammates – they are not kind to me.