@GARY Those parental errors are enhanced and multiplied when said parent is a person with a severe case of Narcissism who is convinced everything the child does reflects on them (The Parent). Ask me–I’m living it still yet–I just turned 65.

Grannyfrog, I’m so sorry you are in such pain. Your pain leaps off of the page. I can relate. I never knew that I was emotionally neglected as a child (and as an adult until finally I walked away from both of my parents) and I didn’t know I was passing this neglect on to my now-young adult child until he started having serious issues with anxiety and depression. When you love your kid like you love yours and I love mine you do whatever it takes to help them. So I started searching and I found Dr Webb and the lightbulb went off. My gentle advice to you is to start being nicer to yourself and accepting of how you feel and know that you are deserving of feeling better and valued. In doing this for myself it became clear to me what I needed to do for my child and how. It can happen for you, too. Try to read Dr Webb’s Running On Empty. You’ll cry the whole time but that’s not a bad thing for us CEN folks 🙂

This site and this article give me hope that I haven’t completely ruined my children, there is still hope to turn around my own emotional neglect of them. I never meant to do it, I wanted to be there for them, but I can’t express emotion myself, how can I help them?

Thank you Jonice and Darryl, My CEN is not about my kids as much as it is about me. And besides, my kids would laugh me off the planet if I suggested going shopping or even coming over. They don’t even come over for holidays. Too busy with their kids’ activities. For me it’s about being laughed at when I cried, being told to lose weight & I’d have more friends (I was about 8 years old). Being told not to be sad or angry or any other emotion but Happy. I should have nothing to be sad/angry about cuz I have a home/food/parents etc. They weren’t wrong but they never validated my feelings. I was always told to ‘feel’ some other way. I shy away from expressing my feelings for fear of being laughed at. BTW, my parents have been gone for 20 years. My own siblings (I’m the youngest of 4) don’t value me at all for anything. I see them maybe once a year and we all live within a few miles of each other. Like my kids, I really don’t want to fix anything or to be ‘fixed’. I just need to be heard.

That is wonderful advice for grannyfrog Darryl! Thank you for taking the time to write it!

I think at this point in time the problem, right now, is lack of communication before emotional neglect. I have been in this same situation as you before but coming from the child side. I say invite your kids over but not to “talk”. Your relationship hasn’t been that way, why should it start now? Just hang out, watch a movie or if you can’t get them to do that, have them take you to the store to buy a coat or laundry soap (actually buy something so it won’t feel like a waste of their time). Ask their advice on what color garment to buy. Start interacting that way. It’s a start. I suggest not trying to jump in and get close right off the bat. When you do get to the point of confronting the emotional neglect, don’t start off with “I want to talk to you about..”. That is code for “hey, here’s what is wrong with YOU (not wrong with me but wrong with you)!”. In my situation I know that when my parent(s) finally did get around to the emotional neglect issue I had such a distrust, such suspicions, such…I don’t really have a word for it. But I was thinking “why are they bothering now? They didn’t when it would have mattered”. It was like my needs did not mean enough to them to get their attention but I was a chore to them rather than worthy. I can imagine it is the same for your kids. If the kids don’t want it ‘fixed’ then don’t. Trying to fix it would be just another incident of neglecting what they want (even if it would be for their own good). But do not ignore the emotional neglect issue. Maybe start paying attention to their emotional needs without saying you are paying attention to their emotional needs. ‘Fake it until you make it’ as I have heard it said before. Just start trying to meet their needs (without pouring it on too thick because they will know something is up) without having to have an entire speech of how your neglect of them made YOU feel.