Having a child helps my sense of self. I am not sure what you mean by belonging, but I can see having a pregnancy having a baby and small child to interact with everyone at family gatherings increased my sense of belonging in my family. Then when my child turned out to be neurodivergent and not fitting the family expectations, that sense of belonging eroded to the point of me feeling alienated by their impersonal, judgmental reaction to my child. Seems familiar as the same way I was rejected just for being/expressing myself as an individual by late teens, and having a child in the mix has made me a lot more aware of this as it happens. As far as recovery from earlier trauma, I had done a lot of work already and again the presence of my child reawakens that stuff, compels me to be conscious of how healed I am and where I’m not. In this context parenting feels primarily like a strengthening force, like at this point with a young teen “I’m running this race for both of us” as my motivation for all the things I do. Any healing and recovery and I do, now, benefits both me and my child.

There is an element of my parents having grown up in cold families themselves, I see that especially clearly with my father, who had a hard mother, as far as I know.

There is something of the struggling parent within my mother. I would not be surprised if she has struggled with some sort of low-level depression for many years.

And there is authoritarian streak in my father.

I do recognize all three responses within me. I felt sick and scared sometimes to bring up something with my father. I wanted to help and support my mother, who often felt as if she struggled. And I also recognized the signs of the first category.

I am especially intrigued by the remark that your parents feel boring. Mine always did, not in a sense of “old people are boring”, but in a more visceral sense: there was a greyness to our family, a lack of joy and silliness and a strong desire to conform. I have always felt that.

Thanks for the column, it gives me much to reflect upon.

Harmen

Jen, thank you so much for sharing. I just turned 47 and am still struggling. I am recovering from back fusion surgery that was necessary due to physical abuse at the hand of my father 34 years ago. So I feel what you are saying. Mostly, though, I wanted to encourage you to write!! CEN is totally an added boulder we need to roll up the hill of recovery. You are a brilliant writer. The images you painted in my mind with your words were accurate and comforting in that I feel like someone else gets it and can beautifully articulate it. I wish you the best. You are amazing.

Same here, Angel

Same too. Late 40s, never had relationship as I find it too hard to let anyone get close, and find it very hard watching everyone else with their families around for support when I struggle along totally on my own and have done so for pretty much the last 40 years. It just gets harder with time not easier.

Just to say it’s not just you – same age, still at home and never had a relationship, group 3 is incredably damaging. Keep working at it, things are changing slowly for the better, I just work on small steps at a time.