Comments on: Raised By Struggling Parents: The Invisible Child

By: Susanna

Susanna — Mon, 13 May 2024 13:12:13 +0000

Dear Jonice,

I am a child who feels invisible in a family with a Narcissistic father. I carry a lot of childhood trauma, and as I’ve grown older, the differential treatment I’ve received from my family has become more evident. I am the youngest child. Both of my older sisters were fully supported (housing, food, entertainment, holidays) throughout their university years. Meanwhile, I struggled, juggling full-time university studies with a full-time job. After university, both my sisters received substantial financial support, including funds for down payments on homes, etc. I, however, received nothing.

Now, at 35, I find myself grappling with crippling debt that I accumulated from covering rent and deposits (often taken advantage of by unscrupulous landlords). I never had the opportunity to pursue internships, and my twenties were marked by hardship and a series of low-income jobs. In a recent conversation with my mother, she casually mentioned how surprised she was by the financial support they provided my sisters during their university years. There was no acknowledgment or apology for treating me differently. To her, it seemed like just another Monday conversation.

This conversation stirred up intense emotions within me. I understand that my father’s addiction and narcissism played a significant role, but I struggle to comprehend why my second parent also views the invisible child as unworthy. I find this thought incredibly painful and difficult to process. Can you please explain why second parent behaves like that?

By: Jonice

Jonice — Mon, 26 Jul 2021 17:16:57 +0000

In reply to Yvonne. Dear Yvonne, your story speaks to the power of what's not said and done for a child. Now that you understand what was going on, I hope you'll be able to give yourself the attention you never got. Clearly, you deserve much more.

By: Yvonne

Yvonne — Mon, 26 Jul 2021 01:53:25 +0000

My parents were always focussed on my sister , twin,
All my life.
As I aged and started reflecting, I decided to ask my ag-ed mother some questions. I knew there was some drama surrounding her birth, she first.
Maybe there was more to it as my sister did seem a bit dim sometimes, So I asked Mother: Was my sister starved of oxygen at birth?…she answered enthusiastically ” YES SHE WAS, BUT DONT YOU SAY ANYTHING”
This was my answer I was looking for, The Missing Piece of The Jigsaw…And WHY they were only focussed on HER.
I kind of knew really, because it wasn’t right( the way they ignored me)
I ve never told my sister, even after she continues to be very self- centred and not very worldly.

By: Tara

Tara — Tue, 09 Feb 2021 22:20:48 +0000

Once again, thank you so much for your helpful articles. I read Running On Empty and got so much out of it. At 56 I had no idea why I was struggling so much with anxiety and depression. Now it all makes sense. I look forward to reading your next book very soon.

By: Lori

Lori — Mon, 08 Feb 2021 23:48:35 +0000

It’s sometimes hard for me to identify what pattern I fall into with regard to my upbringing. Is it normal to have several categories apply? Well, NOT “normal” but I think you know what I mean?
For instance, I identify with being invisible in that I learned early on NOT to have needs and that negative feelings weren’t ok. At the same time, how invisible could I have been if I was being sexually abused three times a week on average for years? In one regard I felt TOO visible but with my mom who I KNOW loved us dearly, was kind and provided for us (as did my stepfather provide for us) it turns out two of the three of us siblings (one has yet to mention it either way) felt that we weren’t mothered enough.
I clearly remember when bad things happened (even relatively low key things) that I decided NOT to mention to mom that I was hurt or sad because it would “make her sad” or “she’s too busy” or “I don’t want to burden them” or even “I’m the oldest I should be old enough to deal with it!”
I remember “teaching myself” not to cry so that by the time my dear Nana died a few months after I turned 9 (we had moved to a different state when I was 7 but she kept in close contact) I never cried. I went back with my mom and the rest of the family to settle her estate, and so the funeral service could be held and mom brought me into Nana’s bedroom to tell me privately. I can picture the chair I sat in, I can picture the anguish in my mom’s voice and on her face, I can hear myself saying “Nana died? Where is she now?” And my mom saying “She’s in Heaven. She was very sick and now she’s in Heaven.” I just said “Okay…” and mom pulled me to her in a hug, I hugged her but I just felt awkward and numb, like “what do I do now? What does ‘die’ mean and where exactly IS this Heaven?” I remember KNOWING it was significant, that I would not see her anymore and feeling this odd sensation about my face and neck like I WANTED to cry but couldn’t. I had to be strong for mom.
The legacy is a hard one to break. Just last week I was given a new diagnosis. I was told I am diabetic. I am having all KINDS of feelings about that–not good ones! Finally, after several days I went against my better judgement and told my mom first. She said “Oh really? That’s too bad” then went on talking about her stuff. Later, (a few days later) i told my sister. She’s a medical asst. I thought SHE would get it. Granted, not deadly immediately anyway but serious enough. She too brushed it off. Even my well meaning therapist. I told her and she said that my blood sugar isn’t as high as she has seen with some people and that I could work on it. I know that to be true. But that wasn’t what I needed/wanted.
Thanks.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Mon, 08 Feb 2021 13:12:56 +0000

In reply to Val. I'm so glad to be helpful, Val. Take care.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Mon, 08 Feb 2021 13:11:14 +0000

In reply to Vivien. Dear Vivien, I'm sorry you grew up so sidelined and that you were abused by strangers. You must have felt very alone as a child and I hope you are working on your CEN now. You deserve much more and better.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Mon, 08 Feb 2021 12:58:56 +0000

In reply to Patrick. Dear Patrick, few children start out silent. They learn to be silent when their outspoken requests aren't acknowledged and their feelings are ignored. Narcissistic injury is not a part of CEN itself, that term applies to the vulnerability of people with narcissistic personality types to become deeply hurt by any kind of small diminishment of their high self-regard.

By: Val

Val — Mon, 08 Feb 2021 05:26:37 +0000

thank you for these words of wisdom. Recognised myself as invisible for whole of childhood (and most of my adult life). I’m still recovering (at 73), but grateful to have lived this long to see my life improving almost every day. Thank you for your work exposing some of the untruths and lies that children grow up with.

By: Vivien

Vivien — Mon, 08 Feb 2021 03:09:40 +0000

As the eldest of five children, I became aware as a child that with each additional sibling I was getting more side-lined. It was only much later, after many emotional traumas and some in-depth psychiatric exploration that I realised how much this impacted me in my early years. I wish parents could understand that no matter how much you love your children, you still only have 24 hrs in a day. The more children you have the more difficult it becomes to meet their needs adequately. I recall my mother being almost permanently stressed, and it was important that we were all ‘good’ children because if we weren’t it just increased her burden…something we were raised to be aware of, and to feel badly about if we misbehaved. We were never hit as children, but all it took was a look or a word to ensure we knew we’d made her life more difficult. Conversations were one-way, and when I was molested, as a 5 yr old, and again when I was 11 (both times by strangers in public places) I never ever told my parents. Didn’t know if it was my fault, but also didn’t want to cause them any problems. Anything to keep the peace….well, theirs anyway. Certainly not mine. It makes me incredibly sad to have my memories of them coloured by this knowledge.