Comments on: Raised To Have No Emotional Needs

By: Ann

Ann — Sun, 06 Oct 2024 23:40:51 +0000

I’m 70 and retired now and just learning about myself in ways that I never realized I was lacking. I have worked since I was 15 and a half at paying jobs and before that I did a lot of babysitting in middle school and some high school so I feel like I’ve been working my whole life and was an action person and I got things done and very competent. so I never realized that I am c e n. I do feel left out of my family. when my nephew died my sister didn’t even tell me. I found out when I was at a family event, and I always felt left out at those as well and lonely and on the sidelines and I am not a shy person but I just didn’t fit in or feel loved or connected. my sister was mean to me growing up, Maybe competing with me often, criticizing me often, and my mother always stood up for me because I think she understood but we never talked about it we didn’t actually use words. it’s like reading the Bible the word of God is so important to living it and living a spiritual Godly life. so what I’m learning from you doctor and I think you’re amazing, is that I probably passed this on to my daughter, and actually I know I have. she and I were doing great when she was young, even after my divorce, and that’s another thing relationships have always been difficult or non-existent for me, but when she started to mature and get older, I wasn’t connecting it was all my fault. I was a single parent struggling to make it and focused on that and not asking her how she felt her guiding her with her friends I didn’t even know where to begin I was totally lost I had no tools to work with I had no skills. I just wanted to fix things if I thought something was wrong. thank you for opening my eyes, touching my life. I am sharing this with my daughter and getting the book for her with the hope that we can become a mother-daughter again that love and respect one another she doesn’t open up to me at all now and I would like to change that and I want her to know what my issues are and that I may have passed it on to her to help her in her future. thank you you are a blessing Dr. Jonice. thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I look forward to getting the book and looking into things further and participating. thank you

By: Lorraine

Lorraine — Thu, 18 Apr 2024 11:16:51 +0000

Dear Jonice
I really need some help. At a very young age I learnt to deny all emotions, needs and wants and have gone through life doing any thing that would please other people. I am 63. I now know that I am a sufferer of CEN but I do not feel that I am missing something or am ‘running on empty,’ it’s that I am fighting my need to commit suicide everyday because I feel it is something I should do because I have physical needs as my MS has deteriorated. I have been seeing a CEN therapist for seven months and am worried because I am still not able to feel anything. Do you suggest I change my therapist?

By: Jonice

Jonice — Tue, 19 Dec 2023 15:25:57 +0000

In reply to SUE. Dear Sue, that is a tough process when you realize that some people have been in your life because you are selfless. I'm so glad you've moved forward and reaped the benefits, you are an inspiration to other people with CEN. Thanks for sharing!

By: SUE

SUE — Sun, 17 Dec 2023 20:22:46 +0000

In reply to Stephen. It is never selfish to look after yourself or put your needs first. Unfortunately I was conditioned in childhood that other's needs came first and mine were either non existent or didn't even matter. For me there was a huge backlash when I started to put me first. In fact some family members have stopped speaking to me altogether because they see me now as selfish. Seek some support for you from other sources. I tried to have the conversation with my family but they just didn't want any change and I eventually had to accept that. I had to find new friends, new hobbies for me but it has been so worth it. Good luck.

By: Kerry

Kerry — Mon, 11 Sep 2023 13:40:42 +0000

In reply to Dhrutee. WOW. I have a very similar situation but for different reasons. My husband of 25 years REFUSES to see anything is wrong with him emotionally. But his parents are totally emotionally repressed and, therefore never taught him to acknowledge his own emotions. I have been working on this FOR YEARS, to show him, but have been made to think I AM the problem (I was raised by parents w a little CEN so I invalidate my needs at times, and I am a very emotionally aware person, nonetheless. I'm an artist, so it goes w the territory). My marriage is ending over this and it is a massive family tragedy, obviously. I needed these books twenty years ago!! I saw this and could not name it and my husband would not listen to me. I am going to try one more time....but we are basically going through a divorce now. Devastating. Sorry for your plight too. It is similar and I feel your pain. If they would just open up to the truth!

By: Stephen

Stephen — Sat, 19 Aug 2023 16:40:42 +0000

Thanks Jonice, your book has been an eye opener. I am 50 years old and it’s only now clicking into place why I am the way I am. Unfortunately my awareness has lead to a more selfish approach to caring for myself. My mam has dementia and my dad has taken my change as a insult to him and he has distanced himself from me. Not sure what to do now as more lonely than ever

By: Jo

Jo — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 03:15:43 +0000

Is there any way to make yourself just not care that your emotional needs aren’t being fulfilled? It’s probably not a healthy thing, but I will never have mine met, so I’d just like it if I didn’t have to bother with them and could do something else with my life. I don’t want to be fixed; I want to be perpetually numb.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 20:15:58 +0000

In reply to Kira. Dear Kira, some parents are not able to understand CEN or even emotions or feelings in general. I wrote a lot about how to talk to your parents and what to do if they can't understand CEN in my second book Running On Empty No More. You can find it in libraries and read it free or get it from any online store. Whatever happens with your mom, I hope you will always put yourself first.

By: Kira

Kira — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 19:32:58 +0000

Thank you for writing these blogs. It really makes me feel that I am not alone.
I have wondered what ways to bring up these topics to heal the relationships with your close ones. I have brought the topic up with my mother, but I find her in a defensive position where she blamed me for not being able to raise my voice when I was young. I felt once again emotionally neglected and defeated. I’d love to hear from you.

By: Dhrutee

Dhrutee — Fri, 30 Dec 2022 16:27:18 +0000

My husband, we’ve been married for 3 yrs, is a case of CEN. adding to the woes, in India, ‘parents are always right’. I started seeing the red flags in him and his sister’s behaviors almost immediately. but it is only now that I can identify the pattern in it all.
He has never even acknowledged his emotions and always remains emotionally cut off, has low self worth, has no needs and wants for himself, he was uncomfortable with physical intimacy as well and eventually it ended all together.
conditioned by extremely authoritative and controlling parents, he has been trained to believe that this is how relationships and family is supposed to be. completely cut off from each other. he cannot even fathom that his parents neglected him emotionally. he calls his upbringing “love care and concern”.
we’re heading for a divorce now. there is no ray of hope

how do you help such people when they are hell bent that there is nothing wrong and hence no help needed.