Christina, I was very touched by your message. I am so glad you found your way forward, through all this depression, etc. Its brave and an inspiration to others who will read this. This happens to so many of us and when we make it through we become more useful to others still in its grip. Good for you….

Good for you for facing up to and clearing your attention from the past! That takes a LOT of courage and persistence!

I don’t know if you will see this reply as it’s several years after your comments. I found this book incredibly helpful-it has actually changed my life-setting me on a path of discovery and freedom. Once you read the book, you will find yourself seeking out more information about the subject matter contained within.
I do not need to carry the story of my childhood deep in my soul – repeating it over and over. Today I can live in the day and forgive the people that hurt me. I can have empathy for who they are, the pain they carried, their clumsiness, their inability to really love and parent me. They had limitations that I can not really understand, born from their childhoods and the childhoods of their parents. The pain is handed down.
This has been a lot of work but I much prefer the work to the years I spent languishing in a horrible depression, suicidal, alcoholic-in so much pain and lost. Today I have choices.

https://www.amazon.com/Legacy-Heart-Spiritual-Advantages-Childhood/dp/0671797840

Another book which helped me deal with the pain I’ve experienced from a mother who was unable to love me. This was a tremendous help.
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1497823485&sr=1-1&keywords=daughters+of+narcissistic+mothers
I think this book can also be helpful to men.

Christina

Yet i have never thought of suicide as an alternative.

Something in me says…. as long as i am alive, i will find out what the hell they did to me. And that i will undo it. and that i will have my life back.

Long live life.
Long live my spirit

could be veeery true.
All these add up to stress.
I have some personal experince akin to this and only when i took active steps to deal heavy handedly with my molesters did things start to calm down.

The molesters are still there.
But they arent having a free ride at my expense.

hey your family was like ours.
Only we may be different continenets and races.
Ours was so full of shame i do not remember
taking any of my childhood friends home.

My mother was the queen of shame.

I estraged the family a while back to try and make something for myself.

Everyone is still massively damaged, into some religious cults, prostitutuion, alcoholism or something else psychologically sick.

But what to say? Here i am and i am to do the best for myself and my future. Thank you for sharing