Comments on: The 3 Unique Challenges of the Parentified Child in Adulthood https://drjonicewebb.com/the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood Your resource for relationship and emotional health. Wed, 28 Sep 2022 19:55:04 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9 By: Theresa https://drjonicewebb.com/the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood/comment-page-1/#comment-13013 Sun, 27 Feb 2022 19:22:36 +0000 https://drjonicewebb.com/?p=6606#comment-13013 My husband and I both grew up as parentified children, except I also had to take on the emotional burden of my parents in addition to taking care of the finances and other tasks. He was able to live his life shortly after college and he traveled extensively and he admitted slept around quite a bit. I’m envious because even after college, I still had to take care of my family and I couldn’t really engage in the kind of sexual exploration I might’ve wanted. A lot of my friends were having these flings, but I never felt safe (I was sexually assaulted in my early twenties) and also being partially conditioned by my mother and my religious upbringing. Both my husband and I had a similar religious upbringing but he definitely had more freedom and felt more free to do things once he became an adult. Even though I know it was my choice to not explore in the way many of my friends and my partner did, I still resent him and feel this overwhelming sense of loss and grief – I’m 30 and I feel like I wasted my 20s being responsible even though it’s not true – I worked in organizing and was able to lead a number of successful campaigns and I also got into a competitive PhD program – all while being responsible. But I just feel like I lost out on my fun. I love my husband and I told him all this and he understands. I don’t want to leave my husband and just go have my many flings – though he said I’m welcome to if that’s what I need. I’m not sure where to go from here and I’m not sure how to get over this grief that does not seem to go away. I love my husband and I don’t want to keep having this crop up between us.
Appreciate any insight you might have, Dr. Webb
Theresa

]]> By: Theresa https://drjonicewebb.com/the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood/comment-page-1/#comment-13012 Sun, 27 Feb 2022 19:21:35 +0000 https://drjonicewebb.com/?p=6606#comment-13012 Dear Dr. Webb,
My husband and I both grew up as parentified children, except I also had to take on the emotional burden of my parents in addition to taking care of the finances and other tasks. He was able to live his life shortly after college and he traveled extensively and he admitted slept around quite a bit. I’m envious because even after college, I still had to take care of my family and I couldn’t really engage in the kind of sexual exploration I might’ve wanted. A lot of my friends were having these flings, but I never felt safe (I was sexually assaulted in my early twenties) and also being partially conditioned by my mother and my religious upbringing. Both my husband and I had a similar religious upbringing but he definitely had more freedom and felt more free to do things once he became an adult. Even though I know it was my choice to not explore in the way many of my friends and my partner did, I still resent him and feel this overwhelming sense of loss and grief – I’m 30 and I feel like I wasted my 20s being responsible even though it’s not true – I worked in organizing and was able to lead a number of successful campaigns and I also got into a competitive PhD program – all while being responsible. But I just feel like I lost out on my fun. I love my husband and I told him all this and he understands. I don’t want to leave my husband and just go have my many flings – though he said I’m welcome to if that’s what I need. I’m not sure where to go from here and I’m not sure how to get over this grief that does not seem to go away. I love my husband and I don’t want to keep having this crop up between us.
Appreciate any insight you might have, Dr. Webb
Theresa

]]> By: Timothy https://drjonicewebb.com/the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood/comment-page-1/#comment-11189 Thu, 12 Nov 2020 20:02:20 +0000 https://drjonicewebb.com/?p=6606#comment-11189 Excellent article.

My wife Maria is from a family of 16 children. She is number 8 on the list.

I learned that as young as 6-years-old Maria was the main caregiver for at least 4 of her younger siblings.

My brother in law — only 7 years younger than my wife — admits that he always considered his sister Maria to be his mother — and his real mother to be a kind of grandmother.

My wife told me that when she was a small girl there were times her parents left for a week or more with her to take care of the younger children.

I believe this abuse has had a rather negative effect on my wife.

We all make mistakes. It’s part of being human. We say and do careless, thoughtless things that can hurt others. Accepting responsibility and apologizing usually works for me and it seems to be what most other people do as well.

But (I think) the parentification my wife endured now manifests itself with a fear of being “blamed”. When she makes a mistake or hurts others, she seems unable to admit she did anything wrong or harmful.

A slight misunderstanding with the neighbor, for example, can turn into a high-intensity resentment that burns hot for months when a simple apology or a statement of reconciliation could have ended it in less than a minute.

Is this “fear of being blamed” or perhaps “fear of accepting responsibility for your mistakes” a common trait, or am I over-reaching here?

Thanks for your insight.

Timothy

]]> By: Jonice https://drjonicewebb.com/the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood/comment-page-1/#comment-3945 Sun, 19 Jan 2020 20:45:42 +0000 https://drjonicewebb.com/?p=6606#comment-3945 In reply to Darlene.

Dear DArlene, I am very sorry that you grew up so ignored. That is a very painful thing indeed. Please keep in mind that relationships can offer you support and help too. It seems you view them as a one-way street of you caring for them. That is likely a remnant of your childhood.

]]> By: Darlene https://drjonicewebb.com/the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood/comment-page-1/#comment-3935 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 06:09:44 +0000 https://drjonicewebb.com/?p=6606#comment-3935 Dear Dr Webb
I am 60 years old and only after being hurt at work and being away from it for 2 + years did I even realized that I had needs. Divorced x2 a Registered Nurse for 40 years I am EMPTIED and numb. Was emotionally and physically neglected as a child “ left to make my own meals at times took care of my siblings while mom slept till afternoon came home from school for lunch went back to school
hungry no food in house. Never told I was good enough or “ I love you etc etc. Now at this age all I do is rest. I don’t smile pray to feel joy in my life and all of us siblings do t have any contact with each other. I can honestly say they are worse off then I am. I’m
The oldest and first baby in an Italian family. This is an awful way to live out your golden years, staying away from people so you can have peace but this is what I do to take care of myself. I just don’t have it in me to listen and deal with other people’s stuff. Darlene

]]> By: Michelle https://drjonicewebb.com/the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood/comment-page-1/#comment-3909 Fri, 10 Jan 2020 12:13:07 +0000 https://drjonicewebb.com/?p=6606#comment-3909 It was only when my mom died and my own family expected me to soldier on through my grief, that I fully understood #3 above. As I am a Death Doula, I had sat with my mom as she died (my final act of care). I needed time to process and grieve and had to clearly and strongly advocate for that need. Luckily I knew how to.

Thanks for your work, Jonice – it sheds light on a particular type of suffering most don’t understand, let alone talk about.

]]> By: Jonice https://drjonicewebb.com/the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood/comment-page-1/#comment-3903 Fri, 10 Jan 2020 01:34:10 +0000 https://drjonicewebb.com/?p=6606#comment-3903 In reply to Susan.

Yes, we all have patterns built into us. This is yours, Susan. It’s so good that now you know about it!

]]> By: Jonice https://drjonicewebb.com/the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood/comment-page-1/#comment-3901 Fri, 10 Jan 2020 01:31:45 +0000 https://drjonicewebb.com/?p=6606#comment-3901 In reply to Jill.

Dear Jill, I’m so glad you’re realizing the importance of paying attention to yourself and your own needs. Keep it up!

]]> By: Jonice https://drjonicewebb.com/the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood/comment-page-1/#comment-3900 Fri, 10 Jan 2020 01:29:37 +0000 https://drjonicewebb.com/?p=6606#comment-3900 In reply to Barb.

Dear Barb, good therapy is not just a vent session! Please try another therapist. And do not give up on the blank screen exercise. It takes most CEN people many times to make it work so keep on doing it! Also, use some guided meditation to help you focus inward.

]]> By: Jonice https://drjonicewebb.com/the-3-unique-challenges-of-the-parentified-child-in-adulthood/comment-page-1/#comment-3898 Fri, 10 Jan 2020 01:22:10 +0000 https://drjonicewebb.com/?p=6606#comment-3898 In reply to Abby.

Dear Abby, keep reading all the articles and if you can read both of my books. They’ll give you lots of structure and direction for healing and making changes.

]]>