Hi Nico, thanks for reassuring Mafalda about being good enough! I encourage you to see the blog I wrote on forgiveness. That force-of-will type of forgiveness is, in my opinion, problematic.

Just writing to say you ARE good enough. Forgiveness can help a lot in your situation (besides getting the help you need). Try to forgive your parents. Forgiveness is an act of the will and not a feeling.

Hi Julia,

I was touched by what you wrote, because it sounds isolating, frustrating and familiar. 🙂 This is a good place to find validation and understanding of your experience that Jonice offers. 🙂 Similarly, I’ve found relatively few people who are aware they can “afford” to set their own unmet needs aside, even briefly, to validate and connect with those of others. In Adult Children of Alcoholics and dysfunctional families 12-step meetings I often find at least a few fellow travelers who are self-differentiated and self-aware enough to share their own experience, strength and hope, while also listening with acceptance and respect to mine and others. It’s a wonderful experience when that happens. Hope you also find supportive fellow travelers. 🙂

Dear Julia, thanks for sharing your questions. I will keep them in mind while blogging. And you can join my newsletter by signing up to the the Emotional Neglect Questionnaire. That automatically puts you on the list.

How I can join your emailing list?
I have some pivotal questions about validating emotions, I really hope you could answer!

If I say for example I’m very tired (because of work for example) my mother can say sarcastically “when I was at your age, I already had 3 children and was never tired” or something similar. Like whatever she was or wasn’t feeling even decades ago, it impedes, it does not “entitle” me to feel my feelings in this current moment.
I also easily feel this what is called “first world guilt” (or “luxury problems”). Like I’m not “allowed” to feel stressed and down for example because of acne in my face, when there are people in the world who live in war zone or whatever worse. Like I cannot feel, allow and validate my feelings…if someone has something worse going on. It almost feels like a stupid competition, whoever feels the worst emotions is the “winner” and only that person is entitled to have “valid” feelings (like in this example with my mother, her tiredness is supposedly more valid and had more valid reason, so mine doesn’t).

This makes me feel bad, guilty and wrong.
Also an ex-partner…whenever he had said or done something that hurt my feelings and I tried to address the issue, he was quick to fire back “but YOU hurt my feelings…” and then he referred to some ancient, already forgotten case where I might or might not had hurt his feelings. It always happened that he quickly deflected the attention away from my hurt feelings to him and his feelings…ignored and invalidated me. That’s why he is an ex. I had the gut feeling, that this is not normal. Why someone behaves this way??
I’m not a negative person. I do not have the habit to complain all the time about everything. But sometimes I do have…yep, real feelings. But the other people or external circumstances make me feel that I shouldn’t have those feelings. It causes huge inner conflict. The feelings do not go away simply because I’m “shoulding” them!

If someone indeed is suffering and lives in war zone or something…then what difference does it make to them whether acne in my face heals or not and my feelings? For me it matters; it feels acne interferes with my career and romantic life. Could it also be the effect of CEN, that I so easily feel guilt, if I focus on myself, my happiness, put myself, my feelings and needs first? Doubting whether I deserve all the good things. Why should I always “sacrifice” my life because of others? Jonice, is that somehow inherently wrong or “sin” to do so…to pursue my own happiness and wellbeing, to “want more”? Don’t we all? I do have empathy and care about other people and their feelings…but it just cannot be right that I completely ignore and invalidate myself in the process!

I think these are very profound questions about life…maybe you could do a blog post about these in the near future? 🙂
Sorry about the long mail!

Dear Mahnoor, your description sounds very much like parents who do not understand the world of emotions. I applaud you for realizing this and being willing to heal yourself.