Dear Jane, these are really good questions. I’d have to type all day to answer! You’re in my Fuel Up Program, right? Please ask this question during a Q&A Call. I’m happy to give you lots of help on this.

You are welcome, Ross.

Great question, Mira. It’s all in how you look at it. Everyone experiences these feelings deep down of wanting things their way, jealousy, pettiness, rage, disapproval, superiority, you name it. We all have these feelings because we’re human. It’s our job to own those feelings and decide what to do with them. That’s not the same as shutting them down immediately because you think they say something bad about you. The thing that determines who you really are is your decision about what to do with your feelings.

I realize how feelings were judged as not useful and a sign of weakness by my mother. In contrast, my father was very emotional, but not in control of his feelings. Feelings were discouraged, so I pushed them down and used food to self medicate.

My question is, How do I decide on, and work with one emotion, when I often feel overwhelmed and flooded by many emotions? This happens as the day goes on. By afternoon, I’m exhausted.

Do I ground myself and just chose one to deal with? Are
there patterned responses with a core emotion, like fear always present?

I am thinking that I’ll try to pick a feeling and write on it in order to get greater clarification. I’d appreciate any suggestions. Thanks.

Just another fellow CEN’er here but have you identified why you are so afraid and angry? Have your tried sitting in a quiet place with a pen and paper to write down what thoughts come up when you begin thinking about your anger or fear? I would suggest doing that and write every thought down! That is very important, do not prejudge your thoughts and push them away. If, say you think of fear, and immediately after comes to mind the thought of dying write it down, then move to the next thought, then the next writing each down. Then once no more thoughts come immediately to mind go back and start digging into your thoughts, like why are you afraid of dying? Why do you fear it? How is that affecting your life? How can you prepare your life for your death? Ultimately how much control do you really have over your death? And lastly, understand deeply what you can and can’t change. Something’s you won’t be able to change it, like with death, we all die as humans and mortal beings we must accept it is a fact of living and not dwell on it. We must make the most of the life we have, not dwell and being consumed by it’s ending. This process (which took me weeks btw to chase each thought to it’s end and resolution) cause me to see I was living my life completely opposite of what I truly wanted (once I really sat with my emotions)! I was shocked to find I had let others so dictate my life to me though my all consuming need to help that I had completely abandon the things that were important to me and my emotional health for 10 years! When I started changing it was hard but so fulfilling. I lost people along the way as they were angry they could no longer control me but I quickly replaced them with people who genuinely cared about me and my hopes and dreams and would never dream of controlling me because they truly love me. I hope this helps you find a way to actually figure out why you have anger and fear and deal with the problem, not just the exgusting task of manging them. Also DO NOT talk about this to anyone while you do this task (unless it’s your thearpist). DO NOT let others try to dicitate thier judgement on the way you feel. People are manipulative by nature, some try to do it because they think they know best, others because they want to control you. In this venerable task only YOU can decide what is causing YOUR emotions and what YOU need to do. Best of luck and God bless you.

I have read your book “Running on Empty” and it has given me so much insight. I would like to make sure I do not just assume it was neglect vs. emotional abuse. Can you help me find reading sources regarding emotional abuse. There is this stuff on Youtube about the NPD people who destroy our lives, if we let them, but not much on childhood abuse, whether we can capture verbal or physical. I have to tell you Dr. Webb, something is awfully skewed and it seems no one is addressing it. Realizing of course it must be an awful subject to address, and girls are turning up with Borderline (it appears) disorders. They appear so angry and out of control. Are you able to address any of these concerns?

Thank you for your work.