Dear Jen, I’m sorry you’re caught in this trap. I suggest you encourage your husband to go to couples therapy with you just to talk about parenting and his relationship with his ex.

Children do need direct, explicit instruction when being taught about personal safety, in regards to why not to play with a pencil, or other academic instruction. Children need to follow brief instructions at that moment, otherwise how is she to maintain classroom management of 29 other students. The issue could be discussed further at another time to explain the emotional component more in depth.

Most teachers have the best interests of their students, otherwise they would not be in this field.

Thank you, Dr. Webb, for shining a bright light on the long term consequences of childhood emotional neglect. As a parent myself, who raised two children as a single mom, I did my best to make my children’s emotional health a priority, even though I had not received enough emotional support myself. It’s very difficult to provide emotional support when you never had received it yourself. But years of counseling as an adult have made a distinct difference in the adult lives of my own children.

Thank you for solidifying the adult outcome to what we were lacking in our childhood.

Dear Jonice, could u explain please, what sort of problems children may face when they grow up if we give them too much control over others now?

I recall my first major relationship as a teenager, and how doting he was toward me. I had never had anyone prioritize my feelings like that before. So, I found myself unconsciously feigning sadness and anger just to get that need met that I never had met in childhood. It just felt so good to finally have it, that I became quite manipulative without realizing it. Luckily, I cycled through that phase after I realized what I was doing.

But I never knew that I was lacking in that way, until I had the contrast of experiencing the fulfillment of that need.

Currently, with my own children, I hope that I am being attuned enough with them to be sure that their needs are met. I often wonder if I’m leaving something out that I’m not even aware of.

Dear Louise, you and I have a fundamental disagreement about the role of authority figures for children. In my opinion, it is easy for parents to go too far into allowing their children to be on the power level of adults, and this is not what children need. The power level is inherent in all relationships between adults and children and must be honored but respected, or the child will be afforded too much control over others and this sets him or her up for problems in adulthood. Thank you for raising these important questions.

Hi Dr Webb,
I agree that children need clear direction, which is why telling them immediate compliance without question is required of them is a bad idea. THAT would confuse the issue when talking about body safety. In your example it’s the teacher who requires more guidance (how would you feel in the child’s situation – would you take the ridiculous comment on the chin without feeling the least bit peeved?).
I also find this whole concept you have of ‘disrespect’ to be odd. It was no less disrespectful of the teacher to snap at the child, and all he did was reply in the same tone. Children learn by example, and I would argue that in this situation the blame falls squarely on the teacher.

Had I been the parent in this situation, I would have taken the opportunity to teach a lesson on empathy, and explained that just as he was feeling stressed about things happening around him, so was the teacher. After all, that’s the logical explanation for her lashing out like that. I’d teach understanding, so he could be calm in future situations without being told his feelings don’t matter. I would also be having a word with the teacher, as her response was inappropriate.
Again, respect is not to be demanded from the adults in a child’s life, it’s to be modeled.

Thanks for your reply, I’m interested to hear your thoughts.

Hi Louise, in this example the parent is talking about what happened at school which involved her child being disrespectful to the teacher. All children should be educated about physical violation of boundaries or inappropriate requests from adults. But that would be a very separate conversation. The point I was making is that children need very clear directions about what to do differently. Complicating it with too many ifs would be confusing to the child. Thanks for your comment.