Comments on: The Emotional Legacy of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Guilt and Shame

By: Dan B

Dan B — Fri, 27 Feb 2026 00:30:54 +0000

In reply to Jeff. Dear Jeff, I am a 70 year old man. I too was raised in an alcoholic home. Both of my parents were alcoholic. I drank alcoholically for 5 or 6 years in my early 20’s. My dad was an angry drinker. I did my best to avoid him as much as I could. My mom was not mean but severely neglectful. She drank from noon (that’s when she got up) until early in the morning. I didn’t even know growing up in such a household could affect me as an adult. My feelings were buried since early childhood. I was listening to a radio show in 1986 that featured an author named Claudia Black. She wrote the book It Will Never Happen to Me. It described my story better than anyone. Then I wept like there was a pain near death. I started attending Adult Children of Alcoholic meetings. It helped show me that I wasn’t alone. That many of the problems I was having were not uncommon. I’ve also done personal therapy on and off my entire adult life. There’s no magic cure. I suffer from depression and anxiety. But the shame I carried almost all my life is so much less these days. It’s not a child’s fault for being neglected. Just bad parenting. I hope you seek other people. Not everyone out there is uncaring. Hang in there. If you keep reaching out it does get to where you love yourself and begin to trust others.

By: Quiet storm

Quiet storm — Tue, 24 Feb 2026 20:13:59 +0000

The article really helps a lot. I always struggled with wondering what was wrong with me and how I could feel so lost, lonely and depressed all though high school and college when I had such loving and kind parents who do so much for me and never did anything harmful to me. They didn’t understand my feelings or what I was going though. They wanted to help me but didn’t know how. That made them sad and me sad for making them sad. I felt like I was very lovingly neglected by the most well meaning yet in many ways clueless parents imaginable. I could never tell if I felt more sad about my own struggles or for how sad I knew it made them. I could never explain it to anyone because I was so well cared and provided for and my parents so kind and responsible, I would just seem spoiled and ungrateful to complain about anything. Times I expressed sadness, anger or frustration with them I would always immediately apologize because it made them so sad and it hurt me to hurt them. It makes it hard for me to know sometimes if I’m actually happy or not or how I really feel about anything.

By: Charles

Charles — Sun, 03 Apr 2022 17:54:23 +0000

Your book Running On Empty is great. I did not even realize I was emotionally neglected until years of trauma therapy went by, when in reality it was the most obvious trauma symptom. I developed OCD around the concept that something is wrong with me, i’m bad, i’m morally incorrect, and have spent years frequently taking online autism tests, down syndrome tests, etc. To tell you the truth, I do believe these symptoms match me, however part of me still believes deep down something is wrong with me. Every human interaction is so hard- saying no to someone for myself leaves me dissociated and flares up my OCD. This is so hard. I’m glad my therapist recommended your book.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Sun, 14 Feb 2021 17:45:28 +0000

In reply to Jeff. Dear Jeff, perhaps your feelings of guilt are trying to tell you something. There is so much you can do to heal your own Emotional Neglect and it will also help your daughter so much. I hope you will take it on whenever you are ready.

By: Jeff

Jeff — Sun, 14 Feb 2021 00:40:07 +0000

This is a difficult subject. I have felt that I should keep my emotions in check around everyone all the time. I feared and still do fear the judgement of others. I grew up in an alcoholic family where things were usually calm but tense. I know that sounds like an oxymoron. I now believe that it is possible that my adult daughter has been severely affected by this family trait. I still harbour intense feelings of guilt over this.

By: Richard

Richard — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 22:20:13 +0000

I would never give my parents a guilt trip about this and I am glad our relationship is so much better now than it was but I came from a family where feelings were not taken seriously. I have even heard my father say in a raised voice that he thinks anger is a despicable emotion. My mother would say to me as a little boy “if you’re angry, why don’t you let off steam in the garden” Who would say such a thing to an adult? This though was not what I think caused the most damage which was when I was angry and upset at the same time my emotions were mocked – both by my parents and by a grandmother who enjoyed getting in on the parenting act when there was any scolding or ticking off to do. The mocking would take the form of imitating me and when I grew up and my parents could see i was angry they would still imitate me as though I was still four years old. Children do need to learn boundaries – sometimes they need to be punished (as sometimes do adults) but mocking a child causes I think a great of damage. it teaches them that their feelings are silly and shameful and that by extension so are they. I would say to anyone who has had similar treatment to me (which may have been from otherwise loving and nurturing parents) that feelings are never silly and shameful. Although for obvious reasons we don’t have a right to behave as we please we do have a right to our feelings whether we are children or adults.

By: Bridget

Bridget — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 12:33:03 +0000

Thank you so much, Jonice! This article and the article on “Avoidant Personality Disorder” and CEN has been REALLY helpful! There is nothing wrong with me! I have only been struggeling with high levels of anxiety, self- blame and shame. EFT tapping, acupuncture and various realising- techniques along with the CEN work- has done miracles to my mental, physical and emotional health! There is hope, everybody 🙂 !! Keep up your good work, Jonice! I look forward to the weekly email, every week!!

By: Jonice

Jonice — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 00:13:04 +0000

In reply to Anna. EMDR is very effective for removing the feelings from trauma. I am not trained in it myself and have not tried using it with CEN people so I'm afraid I do not have an answer for you. If any readers are therapists who have tried this with your clients, please weigh in!

By: Anna

Anna — Sun, 15 Nov 2020 22:51:32 +0000

Hi Jonice, what do you think about Rachel’s question about CBT reframing please? (10th March). A.

By: Will

Will — Sun, 15 Nov 2020 20:40:07 +0000

In reply to s. Hi S, sorry to hear that. I think I have made a mistake in expecting my marriage to sort this for me - or any relationship, apart from the one with myself. What I am finding is that thinking about purpose in my life is turning this round, there are great books on this and courses (Free). Hope this doesn't sound trite, I really think this helps. Cheers and best wishes.