Dear Carol, the answers are in your feelings. Start paying attention to your feelings.

Dear J.Caz, both of my books are full of examples, but one would be: “I understand that you are sad. It’s because…. I get it.” Just letting someone know that their feelings make sense and are understood.

Dear Laurie, it was so kind and caring of you to share your story to help Lyonia. I applaud you for saving yourself from the dysfunction you have experienced. Thank you for sharing!

Hi Syonia,
I have cut ties with my father and mother – not completely as in the case with your children, but perhaps I can provide some insight:

My father and mother divorced when I was 13. My mother unbeknownst dropped me off at my father’s house with all my things in garbage bags. I never had a normal relationship with her since. I am 35.
My father used me as his personal sounding board – I was troubled and needed guidance and stability. Instead I received daily the complicated emotionality of a man whose wife left him for a fellow coworker and start a new life. In addition to feeling rejected by my Mom, all i wanted to do was help my Dad not be so sad. I absorbed his pain and did not have a clean slate as a 13 -14 year old girl to develop my own sense of self. We talked daily about my Mother and how terrible she was to leave us. My 2 younger siblings would come over on weekends and my Mom would not ever try to see me when she dropped them off. She would send gifts to my Dad on holidays from the younger kids that had cruel innuendos like a giant MR BIG chocolate bar or a bottle of wine that said FAT BASTARD. These sorts of things (there were many) stayed with me and I carried so much guilt with me as a teen that in my early 20s I experienced a psychosis. I was hospitalized and my father went through my room looking for answers: he took my journal and read through them, told the staff that my Mother abandoned me… ugh, it goes on and on. He was constantly violating my boundaries. To this day, he does not listen to me, he only sees what suits him.

During this time in pandemic, my life comes back at me as if it happened yesterday. I think of what my dreams were when I was young – I was playing piano and singing. But I became a counselor for my Sad Dad and constantly wondered what I did to make my own Mother just disown me so easily and drive away.

I keep in touch with them here and there but mostly have cut them out. I do not want to have them on my Instagram but I keep them because I dont want them to feel like you do. Too much guilt. I let them know I’m alive but when they get too close, it feels like an open wound and it pushes me off balance. I will not invite them to my wedding, but I’ll let them see it on social media. I dunno! Pain is real and I love them deep down, but my life is better when they aren’t screwing me up.

I’m sorry that you feel empty from this loss.

Like Jonice said, try truly listening to your children and take down any walls of defense and denial.

I am so sorry, George. That is a lot of abuse to endure as a child. I’m glad you are in the process of recovery!