Comments on: The Sad Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Narcissism

By: Jake

Jake — Fri, 12 Aug 2022 03:30:19 +0000

My husband of 54 years died and I found evidence of his having a 40 year affair. I had no idea. It started my reading about narcissism which led me to CEN. His mother was bipolar and his father left him to watch her while he worked. Many bizarre incidents happened while he was young. I knew all this but felt he had overcome. I recognize many of the traits of narcissism which I called bad temper and I now realize my son and I were emotionally abused by him but we also had many happy times together. I am struggling to deal with this by it seems my whole life has been a lie. When people tell me what a wonderful man he was and how he loved us, I want to scream. I had a happy childhood which is how I was able to continue in my marriage. I have lots of friends and strong family ties. My husband was not able to take that away and I had freedom to pursue my own interests. I just can’t deal with the 40 year affair. I thought he was a moral person and, of course I thought he loved me.

By: Steven

Steven — Thu, 03 Feb 2022 23:36:37 +0000

I am a 65 year old male victim of narcissistic childhood neglect with a interesting spin (also spent 5-6 years in therapy with 3 different psychologists).
My mother was severely emotionally abused as a child. After trying for years to have a child, it died from rh blood incompatibility. I was the first to live. She doted on me and treated me like an angel until I developed autonomy. Seeing my autonomy as rejection of her, she gave me a message that I could not survive without her, while at the same time telling me I was a failure and needed to be more independent. I became the family scapegoat. This conflicting message was maddening. Then, to make matters worse, I developed a serious illness that I thought would kill me (age 4). I don’t speak to my mother anymore and still feel, when I am alone, that I will die. I have managed to become both a successful engineer and musician but it was not easy. I am also facing my own all too real mortality. In the meantime, my father died and, at the coaching of my narcissistic sister, gave the entire 3 million dollar estate to my her.

By: JP

JP — Thu, 27 Jan 2022 08:08:03 +0000

In reply to Joe. Your story hits close to home but just because you have NPD does not mean you cannot make choices that are not harmful or abusive to others. Have you heard Of Sam VAKNIN I highly recommend his material. It has changed my life and has helped me be honest with myself and those who can benefit from it. I choose not to bully or abuse others but if I’m honest I would qualify for a clean diagnosis as I always get put in the cluster b not specified. Not all people with NPD are the same and the pop psychology obsession in society with it does much damage to the idea that we are lost causes. It is not true. People without any diagnoses make terrible choices that harm people every day. Your comments mean that you have insight and can change and your relationships have hope of becoming different if you make the choices. Don’t count yourself out. I’m not. Sometimes the ways we are are what we needed to survive horrendous and confusing childhood neglect and NPD I believe is very rooted in trauma of childhood. I could be wrong but I don’t believe so, but maybe that is the narcissism talking. Do check out Sam VAKNIN he had classic NPD and is self healed I believe I did a lot of that already, much of what he says makes so much sense. He is developing a therapy modality that is in its infancy stages but I believe it holds great promise as it’s dynamics are what helped me not operate from ways that were self damaging. NPD can present in many ways. Inside we are still neglected kids and many of the suggested ways of healing are exposure based and borrows much from child psychology. Check it out, not many people in the western cultures like him but I find his many of his insights and work truly validating and helpful. So much love to you in your journey.

By: Pete

Pete — Sun, 24 Oct 2021 21:24:01 +0000

In reply to Jonice. Thank you. I just read "Running On Empty No More" and it was very helpful. I think this info could help my narcicist brother, but because he is a narcicist, he is not very open to ideas that are not his own. I do not know how to approach him with this info. He was definitely emotionally neglected but at the same time overly praised and treated like he was superior to most others. Do you think its a lost cause trying to make him aware? I guess ignorance is bliss for a narcicist! (thats a good rhyme! I dare say myself! :)

By: Jonice

Jonice — Tue, 21 Sep 2021 12:17:10 +0000

In reply to Pete. Dear Pete, you can do a lot of CEN work using my two books, Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect and Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships. You can start there. I also have some online programs, even some free ones, that may be accessible to you. Check out the Programs Page on this site.

By: Pete

Pete — Sat, 18 Sep 2021 18:20:44 +0000

Wow, this fits my family perfectly. My mother has very covert narcisist – like qualities. My brother and I were raised by her with CEN. Our feelings were always subject to her ” approval”. We were not allowed to feel any ” negative” emotions like anger or sadness. Our opinions, if different , were always ” wrong”. My brother acts just like a narcicist and I am the opposite, very empathic. My mother thinks she is the best mother in the world. My brother used to call her the ” evil one” when we were growing up before he really turned into a narcicist. Its sad and shocking to come to this reality. I always knew something was not right with our family, but I could never put a finger on it. It was just this year that I discovered this and I am 47. I feel like I missed out on a lot of my life, not believing a lot of my feelings really mattered. I really fit the description of someone dealing with CEN. I cannot afford much therapy. What is the best way to try to recover if you cannot afford therapy? Thanks for writing this!!

By: Jonice

Jonice — Sun, 29 Aug 2021 12:26:12 +0000

In reply to Peter. Dear Peter, thank you for sharing. I encourage you to check the Find A Therapist List on this website and start talking to a trained professional. You deserve to feel better and happier than you do now.

By: Peter

Peter — Sun, 29 Aug 2021 01:08:20 +0000

Wow so many stories I relate too. I always seem to go into panic mode or struggle to get a laugh to seem normal. In the end I end up screwing it up. As an adult i’m terrible at conversations. It started as a toddler. I still remember that day at 68 years old. I was 2 plus. My mother was holding my younger brother. We were at a department store. I was standing next to my mother looking around. It seemed like a long time at the same spot so I stepped in font of mom and said mom can we get going? She didn’t respond but I remember feeling assurance she heard me because she never spoke to me. Another few minutes went by and I said it louder this time. No response. Then a few more minutes went by and I started to feel upset and pulled on mom’s pant leg and said it louder. No response. Another few minutes went by. This time I was very upset and pulled her pant leg and screamed. This time I looked up and was shocked to realize it was not my mother. So I desperately looked around and saw her on the other side of the room. My immediate thought was maybe I’m not supposed to go with her. I looked into another room but didn’t see any other place to go. So I went over where my mother was and stood probably about 6’ behind her. So it set the stage for my whole life. Stand at a distance and don’t say anything. Of course I have to shove my emotions down my throat. So that is my life pattern. Work alone. Figure out how to hide in a crowd and don’t say anything if you don’t have to! Women are incredibly intimidating for me. They seem to share emotions and have so many friends. Such confidence!!! It is so wonderful to be able to share.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Tue, 30 Mar 2021 13:09:34 +0000

In reply to Robin. I hope you realize by now you were in love with an illusion. And that you can come back from this. You were live bombed and callously discarded by a first class A$$. It wasn’t you, personally. You were ‘conquered’ and emotionally used and abused. I truly wish the best for your recovery in learning to test people to make sure they are worthy. — but not test so far as to push away a worthy one! That balance is what we never learned, but we can learn it. Take care.

By: LIggy

LIggy — Sat, 31 Oct 2020 02:08:17 +0000

I am a 55 y.o. accomplished, successful professional. I am a mother of three wonderful young adults, making their way into this world and I have vowed to myself that I will be their rock and support in whatever they path they travel. I am blessed with a solid, loving marriage of 28 years. According to my mother, it is all because of her. She was the best mother, firm and strict, but that gave me self discipline and of course she paid for everything. She was a homemaker that had a parttime job in a Dry Cleaner because my father (a successful businessman and pillar of the community) didn’t know how to save money. (I am being sarcastic here)–Anyway, I don’t want to go down this path of disparaging my mother and her delusions because what makes me the most incredible saddest is that she was a victim of CEN. Her mania is not unfounded. Her emotional and extensive abuse toward me has a root cause. She was unloved as a child. My strong, offensive, defensive, ill-fated, cunning, deceptive, perjuring, thief of a mother was truly a victim, just what she always professed to be. I am not angry with her for this. I hate her parents. Grandparents that I never really knew because they lived in Italy, but was told to love and I did to please my mother. A gold watch that my grandmother sent to my mom when I was born but she never gave to me. Maybe she really wanted it or herself? I somehow did end up with it but sold it. I hated it. It exuded negative energy. It made my mother sad. I’m sorry. I had too much to drink. I always did. It got me through High School and College and post grad. I now know it is escaping. I start therapy finally on Weds. I confronted my mother about an incident where she treated me like sh!t in front of people at a party at her house 18 months ago. Her response to me was acting like a toddler. Pulling out her hair and beating her chest (where hours of worry and surgery now held a pacemaker and A-fib procedure). She called me a liar. It never happened. This incident changed me. The straw that broke the camel’s back. I am torn between shutting her out and taking care of myself or helping a sad soul that was abused as a baby through no fault of her own. I hate my grandparents. (I am sorry to vent on you all but thank you for this outlet)