Such a small word but a big wallop to the psyche.

This article was written the week that I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November of 2020.

Since that time, I have gone through chemotherapy, 3 separate hospital admissions and 3 different surgeries. AND I’M STILL HERE!!!
I have known more than 7 people who have been diagnosed with the same type of cancer who didn’t make it to 4 months, no less 18 months.
When I was diagnosed in 2020, a fellow traveler who ran our men’s ACA yellow book meeting for over 2 years, was there for anything I needed… an encouraging word, a prayer, a ride to the emergency room, a concert…. even a joke!
He never asked for anything in return and was always one of the first to call me when I left the hospital or finished with a chemotherapy session.
I have been recuperating for the past few months and have gotten the “all clear” from all my doctors. NO MORE CANCER!
In March, my friend and I were discussing the latest reports from my doctors when he said that he was having a problem not being able to recoup from his daily walks that he would go on.
He went to the doctor and found that he had a spot on his lung and something wrong with his lymph nodes.
He just passed away on Saturday.
3 months.
My guilt is profound.
My guilt is deep inside me.
How is it I am still here, and he wasn’t able to last more than 3 months?
We had spoken about my feelings in our group sessions and my overwhelming feeling of guilt that I was able, with everyone’s help in our group, to understand, process and let pass over me.
But this feeling like a big rubber band that’s snapped on your wrist.
It hurts.
But it’s supposed to hurt.
That comes from love.
I will attend the celebration of his life on Sunday. I will rejoice in his spirit,
and we will laugh…
and cry…
and hug one another…
and consider ourselves lucky having known this extraordinary man.

Guilt.
What a horrid thing to have to go through.

I would like to change this word…

to Love.

With thanks,
And love.

Absolutely. And it’s nice to hear from you, Frank. Hope you’re doing well.

Thank you for your informative website. I’ve only recently become aware of CEN and the huge effect this has had on my life.

To be honest, it’s proving to be difficult to process when I’m not very well in tune with my ‘feelings’!

Self-criticism, taking excessive responsibility and perfectionism have been strong factors for me in my struggles over a number of years.

One aspect that weighs on my mind is an uneasy feeling (guilt, I think) around the death of my mother 2 years ago. I had no connection with her at all – I believe that her emotional neglect of me began at a very early stage in my life.

She had progressive MS for the last 30 years of her life. Her life became so miserable but even then we had no connection and no meaningful conversations. I felt sorry for her but couldn’t find a way to express this. I could never have spoken with her about my troubled childhood and it’s lasting effects.

When she died my confused feelings included guilt and a sense of relief but not sadness. My confused feelings linger. There was so much unsaid.

Now that I’m aware of CEN I hope to come to a better understanding of myself so that I see this and some other troubles in a new light and move on…

Dear Sue, thanks for sharing your own experience. The thing that matters most is that you be aware of your tendencies and fight against them. Keep exercising boundaries and self-care and don’t let the guilt drag you backward.

Dear Ducky, I encourage you to redirect your focus away from your family and toward yourself. Try to feel your feelings, accept them in the ways your family cannot grasp. Keep working on validating yourself. You do not need your family for this. You can do it on your own.

I have gotten a lot from reading your website and I read some of your book (1st book) it has provided some relief. But I want to address the comment to above person. Like her, I am feeling awful, for years, with two sibling (estranged ) who could not feel anything. I was the “negative” one for feeling things. I was the baby and both parents died young. I have tried to explain to them in the past when things were not so fractured, that we all have different childhoods, that I have found feelings are important. But no go. Since I had a serious illness my brother and his family, that I moved 3K miles to try to have relationships with, stopped all contact. The brother says I was “negative” about having cancer (OMG) and his kids just take from there example. Apparently I am a horrible person for having emotions about grief, death of our parents, and having cancer. To the point about getting help: I have been seeking it for years. I only have state insurance due to the cancer treatment. No therapist. In Covid, near impossible. There is no way my familly, should any of us every be able to talk again, would buy into “CEN” or anything. They would rather drink, drug, shop, or work it away. I too am lost. I am a miracle to have survived all these years.