Comments on: Unintentional Harm: The Most Common Type of Emotionally Neglectful Parents

By: Helen

Helen — Thu, 20 Jul 2023 06:43:09 +0000

In reply to Jonice.

Hi Jonice (and Barb, if you’re still reading this conversation two years on!),

I really appreciated this great article, but I don’t think it’s true that people with Asperger’s lack emotions. I seem to recall that according to Professor Tony Attwood it’s more about being overwhelmed by emotions or (as you say) unable to access them, or name them correctly. This has certainly been my experience, even though I don’t have the clinical expertise as you do. Like Barb, I’ve had the double whammy of mild emotional neglect, and subclinical Asperger’s. Life is complicated.

By: Jim

Jim — Fri, 27 May 2022 01:56:05 +0000

Thank you for this insight gained through reading about CEN. My parents were raised during the depression. I was the middle child of six. Our whole family began on a foundation of secrets and lies. I cannot recall ever being asked by either parent how I felt or thought about anything, ever. Nor was I ever told that I was loved as a child, not once. My mother and I started building a relationship when I helped her through terminal cancer but we had very little time. My father lived to 97 and I felt almost nothing when he died. I have been perplexed by this but I think I’m beginning to understand. I honestly think that he didn’t even know me as a person, only a vessel to tell his tired old stories to over and over. I never shed a tear and I don’t miss him at all. I know that I did love my mother. Our family looked so normal on the outside but my father sexually abused my sister and ignored the rest of us the entire time we were growing up. My sister was shunned by both parents when she told my mom and it was never talked about, ever. I honestly don’t think either one of them had a clue that we all knew what happened. We endured physical and verbal abuse and neglect from both parents. He even tried to take advantage of my young pretty wife while I was working third shift in a warehouse. He said very derogatory and demeaning things about my job and how I was basically a loser to my vulnerable young wife. Why I didn’t walk away from him forever is hard for me to comprehend but I didn’t. I have felt out of place with my own family and often in social settings my whole life. I could not hold a conversation with any adult for a long time. I worked hard and became successful in my work and worked tirelessly to learn how to hold conversations as my work required it. I experimented with drugs in my younger years and always drank too much until at age 57 my career went down in flames and I went to rehab and AA to try to salvage my marriage and save myself. (Sober 10 years now). I learned so much in AA, most importantly how to express my feelings and discuss sensitive matters with total strangers. I couldn’t believe how I felt when I receive validation from perfect strangers that what I had to contribute was legitimate, helpful and welcomed as good by so many. I took your test on CEN and all but 2 applied. Eye opener. I’m retired now and with more time to read and reflect I find that the more I learn the more questions arise. I am now going to go back to therapy armed with this new understanding of why I am the way I am and see if I can put some of this behind me so I can be free of it for the remainder of time that I have on this earth. Keep up the wonderful and meaningful work. It’s so helpful to so many and I appreciate that I came across your writings. God Bless. Jim

By: debbi

debbi — Mon, 04 Apr 2022 17:43:19 +0000

This term is so helpful as I am writing memoirs of my life.
I am in my 70’s and always knew something was missing but never had it defined. Along with being raised in a home that passed down this long initialed diagnosis, I married a man coming from the same environment, along with the PTSD he came home from Vietnam with. Imagine! So all through my life I have been neglected emotionally unknowingly to both myself and to my parents, grandparents, and husband. I purchased your book and I am trying to integrate your gift of insight into what I am writing, both in memoirs and in the book I am trying to write on PTSD.
I funneled all of my emotional energy into creativity. I also, unfortunately, passed the unintentional emotional neglect onto my oldest son. He an I have been split on so many issues, interests and doctrines. He married a woman who also had sever neglect growing up and is doing all she can to heal her self. The grandchildren are a bit withdrawn.

As a grandmother, I am doing my best to emotionally engage them through my writing. It feels like a way to break the pattern of emotional isolation.

Thank you for your life’s work in uncovering such an important issue that has plagued generations all through time!

By: Jonice

Jonice — Mon, 14 Mar 2022 13:04:44 +0000

In reply to Deb. Dear Deb, I'm very sorry you grew up that way. I do write about self-involved, addicted, sociopathic parents quite a lot. There's an article about sociopathic parents in this week's newsletter. In Running On Empty No More I cover the topic of parents who are not well-meaning or narcissistic. You can find it at your local library.

By: Kristen

Kristen — Mon, 14 Mar 2022 03:37:46 +0000

This article resonates with me so well. My parents did the best they could with the knowledge they had. I was much different in personality and sensory skills. Their growing up environments were much more closed off than I am with them now. It pains me that I even feel a little disappointment towards them. Yet I’d be lying if I said I was always emotionally satisfied growing up. I spent years thinking there was something wrong with me. Now I know that’s not true.

By: Deb

Deb — Mon, 14 Mar 2022 02:16:50 +0000

This information is great, but it seems to be the only type of content you share. I was raised by a narcissist and a bipolar alcoholic with narcissistic tendencies.

What advice for those of us who were not raised by unintentionally neglectful parents, but actually neglectful parents who still don’t give a F*&K?

By: Ryn

Ryn — Sun, 13 Mar 2022 17:32:04 +0000

Thank you for this wonderful email identifying my childhood upbringing. My folks, long deceased, were WMBNT with the added bonus of Spare The Rod, Spoil The Child. Not sure but perhaps their generation of growing up during the Great Depression in the USA significantly influenced their own conditioning behaviors, passed on to me and my siblings.
You have shined a bright light of awareness into my mind and heart. I feel a lightening inside me right now 🙂 I thought my home life was typical and ‘normal’. That meant anything I felt that contradicted it made me ‘abnormal, different, the odd one out.’
I appreciate so much your illumination of the legacy I inherited and I want the buck to stop with me.
I am very grateful I found you years ago and never disconnected from your wisdom, even if it has taken me to today to connect the dots.
This email article today is a terrific baby step toward my healing.
Thank you so very much.
Ryn

By: Magda

Magda — Sun, 13 Mar 2022 07:59:51 +0000

In reply to Mia.

My story is different yet very similar to yours. I am much older (in my 50ies). I didn’t discover CEN until I had my child and had a breakdown myself. I was 45yo. You have been through a lot. Don’t wait. Tell your parents it’s been hard for you and ask them for help (i.e. therapy). Chances are they will be happy to help with that. Whether THEY will change, who knows – probably not. But you can get help early and start healing. Wishing you all the best. I hear you.

By: Nicholas

Nicholas — Sun, 13 Mar 2022 05:33:17 +0000

I went to a boarding school for boys of single parents from 1965 to 1973. I was 9 when I started. Boys were expected to develop resilience through the opportunities and challenges and grow into good and useful citizens of which the School and the old boys would be proud. There were boys who thrived in such environments but many more had difficulties, became more fragile, and had a greater struggle to success (or not). Disregarding the abuse that some boys suffered in this school, especially after my time, such schools do not naturally support mature age-appropriate emotional growth. The school now, I understand is more active in supporting such growth and has accountability to protect against abuse, so the emotional neglect now is (or should be) much less than it was in my time. (I was the main referee for a 15 year old who has been at the school since 9 and he comes across as emotionally mature and by going to the school, he has given his mother the space to achieve herself and to support her son in his time at boarding school.)

By: Betty

Betty — Sun, 13 Mar 2022 02:43:57 +0000

I found a way not to pass “the pattern” down— I didn’t have a child. Even though I wanted one to love. Also I thought my mother might be a better grandmother that might help her heal. But now many of my contemporaries have grandkids and I have no family. Now I see what I missed in the intent to avoid problems. I am however blessed having met a man who tells me he loves me and I’m gradually learning to receive from him. I simultaneously seek and pray for healing of the sadness/emptiness which you do discuss. Thank you for helping to identify what’s “wrong” with me and to learn how to heal heart and soul.