Comments on: Want to Cope Better With Criticism? You Can Build A Boundary to Filter It

By: G

Sun, 28 Feb 2021 20:24:44 +0000

in my head I know criticism is a good and helpful thing. But in my heart or so I feel rejected by criticism – it feels like I am not good.
I haven’t found the button yet to switch over and not be hurt by criticism.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 18:45:02 +0000

In reply to ANNA. Dear Anna, yes, it is time to stop treading water and begin to swim! It sounds like you recognize what's been wrong. There are answers for you and you can make changes that will help you feel happier and move forward with confidence.

By: ANNA

ANNA — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 14:39:52 +0000

I absolutely identify with this- except I did not have your insight. At 23, I was preparing to join the Peace Corps after a glimmer of a psychological awakening made me realize I had no identity of my own, no ‘self’ outside of the ever changing chameleon as a person who found their identity in relation to whatever guy (often a ‘loser’) I was dating at the time. I had my application mostly filled out when someone offhandedly told me the Peace Corps only wanted people who spoke another language and had a college degree. I didn’t have either, and without looking into it further, I dropped my application in the trash. Who would I be today if I had gone through with it? If I had not given up? Up until recently, my whole life was characterized by giving up on myself. Waiting for someone else to save me, to make me feel seen and worthy and important enough. I traded water for decades. I hope for no more.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Wed, 18 Mar 2020 12:15:31 +0000

In reply to Ender. Dear Ender, you are right, this article is about actual feedback. The boundary I discuss also helps with false, abusive criticism as well. In fact, in those situations is when we need the boundary the most. I'm so sorry someone treated you that way! I'll try to write an article that's about how too protect oneself from abusive accusations and harsh treatment.

By: Ender

Ender — Tue, 17 Mar 2020 17:27:36 +0000

I love your books, Jonice, and I’ve read both. This article has some good information in it, but you didn’t say what to do if the person criticizing you is actually trying to be hurtful. Sometimes people say things that are half true but twisted enough to blame you for something that isn’t your fault. One time I was blamed for someone’s suicide attempt even though I was actually the only one trying to help them. What do you do when someone is criticizing just to hurt you?

By: Jonice

Jonice — Tue, 17 Mar 2020 15:32:26 +0000

In reply to John. What a helpful story for so many people to read. I can't thank you enough for sharing it! It's a great example of how allowing ourselves to be open and vulnerable to the right people can open doors. When we close ourselves off and "hide" we miss out on what really matters. In hindsight, I hope you'll view this as a learning experience that gave you something valuable to take forward in your life.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Tue, 17 Mar 2020 15:28:34 +0000

In reply to Janet. Dear Janet, abuse and neglect from your immediate family would indeed set you up to expect it from others. I encourage you to work through your abuse with a therapist. Then focus on the neglect after that.

By: John

John — Tue, 17 Mar 2020 01:22:59 +0000

I have almost the exact same story except it’s 1981. First semester of grad school. I had avoided math as much as possible since high school. I had to take a pre-requisite calculus course. On the first test, I got a D, and C’s on the next two tests. I almost never got C’s on anything so I was in a full-blown emotional crisis. I feel bad just thinking about it today. About halfway through the semester I pretty much stopped studying everything else except calculus. About two days before the final, I found I “got” calculus, it became easy, and I got a 100% on the final which was just barely enough to give me a B. I was very proud of acing the final but I spent so much time studying calculus that I got B’s in most of my other classes, the classes in my major. Years later I talked to one of the professors who taught one of those other classes in my major that first semester. He admired some work I had done right after I got my M.S. and said when I took his course, he wondered how a grad student could get a B in his undergraduate course. He assumed I wasn’t trying. I told him the calculus story. He said I should have told him. He said that if he knew the calculus story and some of my unique work experience, he later probably would have offered me a Ph.D. assistantship. But that first semester I was too ashamed to talk to any of my professors about my calculus problem. I was afraid they would criticise me. I couldn’t take that. So I just tried to become invisible.

By: Janet

Janet — Mon, 16 Mar 2020 17:51:00 +0000

I am so sensitive to criticism that at the very breath of it I fold. I guess it comes from being neglected by parents and badly abused by a much older sister. This has cost me many good relationships, I’m sure. If I get the idea that someone could turn or drop me, I’d rather just go and not even discuss it. I know I’m not perfect but I don’t want to wait around to be clobbered either.

By: Jonice

Jonice — Mon, 16 Mar 2020 14:11:33 +0000

In reply to Anita. Survivor's guilt can hold you back from realizing your potential. I hope you're feeling empowered to work toward it!