I’m so glad, Trisha! Thanks for sharing that.

Dear Linda, great question. If you already understand CEN, it’s cause and definition and effects, you can read Running On Empty No More first. But if you’d like to understand it better, read Running On Empty first.

Wow, I thought I wrote your comment Liane, and Barry I strongly resonate with your experience as well. Weird to say, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I try to explain my Dad’s personality or this phenomenon to people but they don’t get it. The dynamic of Oscar and Olive is very similar to me and my Dad. I’ve always felt that he thinks I’m secretly against him. He takes everything very personally but can never say what is bothering him, he frequently has extreme anger outbursts, like a kids tantrum, he will slam doors, throw silverware, curse and scream and stomp his feet (and he’s 70). We never talk about anything personal, and actually I try to hide things that are important to myself because he will mock them (I grey rock him for my own preservation). If I ever try to have a serious conversation with him he will shut down and act like a child, ignoring me, interrupting, mocking, criticizing, and just make the experience miserable, and in a few days he will conveniently ‘forget’ it. So there is no change.
The constant criticism drives everyone in his life away, but yet he refuses to do anything for himself, or have any hobbies or interests, he just watches TV for 5-10 hours a day and then pontificates like he is the smartest person in the world, and points out everything ‘wrong’ with ‘crazy’ people. There is a huge hole in his life he desperately wants others to fill and gets mad when they don’t. I moved out years ago and the house was pretty nice, I came back to visit and the house was almost in disrepair and he was hoarding. He has the HIGHEST standard for others that no one can live up to, but he has the LOWEST standard for himself and can’t be bothered to do anything.
I don’t think we have ever really seen eye to eye on anything. It is frustrating to no end, to go back and forth and try to spell things out and NEVER have any understanding on the other side. I can tell him flat out I don’t like it when he does a specific thing, and he can’t understand it, and will repeat the behavior over and over. He can’t just take something at face value. My sister would have to scream at him (at 10 yrs), and sometime kick and bite to make him leave her alone; weekly! But he just thinks it’s funny that she wants to be a person…
Like Barry said, sometimes I think it is intentional and misery loves company. Maybe he has some sort of antagonistic/sadistic personality disorder? It doesn’t even matter what I say he says “NO” immediately without even hearing me, or he will smash bugs in front of me because he knows that I like to save them and think they are interesting. He looks at me with really weird intense unblinking eye contact and I KNOW in my heart he doesn’t SEE me or understand me. I believe he may be on the spectrum as well, (buying pants takes a month and he’ll return them and complain ad nauseam). He is obsessed with home appliances and how they work but yet can’t seem to get them to work… Like, we’ve talked about lint going down the drain, how to use the garbage disposal (after I installed a new one), how to close and lock the windows, how to lock the doors, etc. for hundreds of hours. I tell him over and over I KNOW how to use this stuff, I’ve been doing basically all the house chores and fixing everything since I was 12. Every day is like a sad ground hog day…

Dear Eliza, I do see CEN as a factor in many affairs. I have written about this (check my second book, Running On Empty No More) and also talk about it in my Healing Emotional Neglect With Your Partner online program.

Ina,
Your comment actually made tears well up into my eyes… how beautiful!!! Congratulations on you and your husband breaking down stumbling blocks together and in a respectful manner, I’m just in awe of the beauty. Just because something, or a relationship with someone, might seem broken, just a little bit of truth and love can fix it, thanks for sharing! This gives me so much hope!