Comments on: Why Some People Can’t Change. 5 Ways to Move Forward

By: Anon

Anon — Thu, 07 Oct 2021 01:05:18 +0000

Wow, this list describes my dad to a T. I watch him struggle everyday to meet his basic needs of shelter and food while working non stop at a very slow inefficient pace. He would rather work hard than smart and it is so hard to watch. He is so miserable and hopeless, constantly playing the victim and never taking any initiative. So I try to make everything in his life easier. I help him with his taxes, yardwork, do his laundry sometimes, grocery shop, make meals, fix anything that breaks, etc. And he works and watches TV, and does the dishes… which he complains about all the time but refuses to fix our dishwasher that has been broken for 10+ years. It’s like everyday is a sad Groundhog Day.

By: Leo

Leo — Mon, 09 Aug 2021 13:47:56 +0000

@ Dr. Jonice Webb
That is an amazing article/insight, on why some people do not have the will to change, and the second half you show how to get past that blockage, of course if the person is willing to make a change.
Thank you for sharing.
Leo.

By: Sylvie

Sylvie — Sun, 25 Jul 2021 14:18:20 +0000

In reply to Marcelo. The seventh problem is a revelation, completing the whole portrait to me. I am whaat you say, it brought me pain when my mom died because it did it to get the attention I rarely got and because the rest of the demanding siblings got her place filled with their own demands. I estranged myself since mom died, I still have this card playing behaviour though. I sticks, very hard to resolve...

By: Jackie

Jackie — Sat, 29 Oct 2016 18:51:08 +0000

In reply to Kimi. Kimi, I can relate to what you feel. My friend whom I adore and connect to very much just would not show his emotions to me. At times he would show it then back off. He said he trusts me and all that and have feelings for me. But seems to need a lot of space. At timea he told me ge loves me but when I told him I love him he either dont response or ask me why. He is such a good guy and I wish he will let me in. Be and his dad had bad relationship nd he is divorced twice. But I just really care for him.

By: Kimerk

Kimerk — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 02:27:28 +0000

In reply to Freedun. I have struggled with intimacy in most of my relationships. But I think one important factor is determining to be a good friend to others. That means honest, open relationships that you are invested in, caring about them regardless of what they feel for you.

By: Freedun

Freedun — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 01:04:26 +0000

In reply to Lmatos. Sorry, I saw this reply in my email but thought it was to someone else. Whoops! Anyway, I think I will. Thank you and have a nice day :)

By: Kimi

Kimi — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 23:15:49 +0000

In reply to Lmatos. Yes. Avoidance and silence. I find myself doing that when faced with an emotionally charged conflict with someone. I feel "getting into it" with them to try to solve the issue would be emotionally overwhelming... I just can't go there.. I would rather end the relationship with that person than face the emotionally overcharged problem.

By: Kimi

Kimi — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 23:10:28 +0000

In reply to Freedun. I too relate to asking for help as being needy/whiny and somehow that has always been perceived as a negative thing. I have spent my entire life helping others and find there is no one for me to go to for help....

By: jfk

jfk — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 16:47:37 +0000

I guess I’ve built walls. I call them my impenetrable shield. I just can’t feel love from people, Sometimes I don’t even want it, like I never want people to feel sorry for me because it makes me feel vulnerable. I was sexually molested as a very young child and it made my mother angry with me for allowing it to happen. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone because I was threatened by both my mother and the abuser. She may have been angry with the abuser but I never noticed. He stayed living with us so she couldn’t have been too angry. I became numb and knew better than to think people really loved each other. I stopped speaking around strangers and at school, I think it’s called selective mutism. I was terrified to speak out loud but I could do it at home and I could do it at school if everyone was talking together like during prayers or songs. I remember having an accident at school where my mother had to bring in fresh clothes for me, she was very angry. That night she tried to put me in a diaper so that I could wear it at school, luckily it didn’t fit, she said if I was going to wet my pants like a baby than I should be treated like a baby. If I cried, she’d tell me to “stop feeling sorry for myself” so I stopped crying and let my body become numb to anything that might make a person cry. I was also raised by strict Catholic parents so everything girls did was sinful unless it was being wholly submissive and a virgin. I suppose she saw me as a whore for being molested. I still have trouble with that. I say why didn’t I say no, why did I let him do it. I suppose it was because he was a relative and someone I wanted to love me and be my friend. When your four or five you can’t make those decisions. I was also afraid to tell on him because my mother had told me not to let anyone do that but what she neglected to say was that if I did, it would not be my fault. I wish other kids parents would add that on about if it does happen, it’s still not your fault, that would have helped a little. She did other cruel things to me as well but I won’t make my comment so long like that. My shell is still on me and I don’t think it will ever come off.

By: Marcelo

Marcelo — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 02:06:13 +0000

You forgot problem #7: Other People. (Or, as Sartre would put it, hell.)

Think of life as some card game. I have no idea how to play, while everyone else not only knows the rules of the game, but they also have varying levels of proficiency at strategy – that is, knowing what to do to win.

In other words, at present, there is absolutely no way I can win. If I try to join the game (let go of the “walls that are holding me back”), the only thing that’s gonna happen is I’ll repeatedly lose. And I can’t even learn from the defeats, because the root of the problem is that I was conditioned to think I was bad if I won, because that meant that other people had to lose (it was my fault, as the winner, that they ended up without the resources they were competing for and are now starving; it’s not just something that happens.)

That’s when other people = hell. Because none of them will invite me into the game and then teach me how to play and win. Some of them will just get puzzled with my incomprehensible behavior and walk away, while others will actually take advantage of my being a chronic loser to gain easy victories at my expense.

All that shrinks ever do is try to get you into the game, with some kind of painkillers to take to withstand the pain of defeat, instead of helping you to become capable of competing and winning. They’ll try to convince you that winning isn’t really all that important, when every time they collect their fee from you they’re winning. I’m getting really, really tired of that.