Dear Marie, is your counselor knowledgeable about sorting, naming, processing, feelings? It’s not uncommon for your wall to break down at some point in your life. Your job now is to face your feelings, figure out where they come from, and discerning their messages.

‘I’m always there for my friends when they need me, but then when I need them they seem to let me down.’

‘My friendships seem to gradually drift apart.’

‘I feel like people take me for granted.’

I have two close friends, and I consider my partner my best friend. I am grateful for the people closest to me and admire what I have with them, yet I feel a deep loneliness and feel like I am clueless as to what a rich healthy friendship/relationship looks like, because I still feel distant no matter how close I am with someone.

The fact that I never really had a fight with the people closest to me sometimes annoys me, because I know that opposition, fights, can bring people closer and show how much you care about the other person.

I am thinking about the friendships I had, the way most of them faded, ended, or lacked substance in a sense. The most recent ones are from university, and I see now the reasons they weakened, specially with three friends: One friend, with which I had a good friendship, I developed feelings for, and felt like I could be honest with her about them but we didn’t develop strong communication and I felt deeply misunderstood, and even when I thought I was taking her feelings into account I seemed to had failed to do that – my attempts to communicate were obsessive and one-sided. I never stopped caring about this friend, and after reflection I realised I subconsciously repeated patterns I picked up from childhood (as I did and am with all friendships, and as it occurs with someone struggling with CEN, a disheartening realisation). Another friend I felt most close with, specially during the last years of university, whose company made me feel safe and we both cared about each other. However in the last year of university I started to notice patterns, gaps, and instances in which we hide our feelings from each other. After graduating and during the pandemic, despite keeping in touch I started to feel how inauthentic or lacking our friendship was. The third friend is someone I was in school with and later met again while enrolling in university and then we were in the same friend group. Whenever we hung out one-on-one I noticed she never really asked me personal questions, and I feel that has a lot to do with the being ‘unknowable’.

I am still in group chats with the same friend group, and recently we had our graduation ceremony (it was outside where I live, as I studied abroad), and I couldn’t be there but everyone in the friend group made it. I shared my feelings about being sad that I couldn’t make it and I tried to show that I want to be with them on that day, even from afar. That led me to feel even more alienated, and I felt instantly bad after reflecting and knowing I wasn’t making much conversation and subconsciously I ignored theirs. It was painful because I couldn’t bridge the gap between what everyone got used to (someone who’s usually emotionally distant) and what I am and want to be with healing.

What confuses me now is whether I should let go and remove myself from the chats, or stay around and maintain rapport/just remain in the chat until I feel more myself. Leaving the chat means giving myself space to heal, but it also feels like defeat.

Matti,

My story is very similar to yours. I found Dr. Jonice about a month before I connected with a counselor, who just happened to be well-versed in CEN. Dr. Jonice’s first book coupled with another book, “Winning the War in Your Mind: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life” by Craig Groeschel to be just what I needed. The latter is faith-based, but the principals he teaches work because they’re born from experience that will work for anyone. (He donates all the income from that book.)

Look for a counselor well-versed in CEN who lives near you or will Zoom. Externalizing your lifelong struggles, even if it’s every other week, will help you process them and leave them behind to help you see your path forward. What you discover from it fills the deep ruts in the path you’ve walked too long! Then, you can view yourself, the world, and where you’re going more clearly. It’s not easy, but worth the journey. I have hope you’ll get there!

Warm regards,
Janelle

I like that phrase, “not psychologically minded”. I know people who flat out deny mental health exists and criticize others for seeking help. It’s like some major level of denial. I also think working on yourself causes others to reflect on themselves and they might not like what they see. So they can double down and try to break your will for self improvement. This is where the damage of growing up with CEN really shows, it is so internalized within myself to help/make everyone feel better that I will stint my own growth because my empathy is so strong that it hurts to grow because I am leaving people behind and I see their hurt as well.

Thank you so much for your work!!!. I feel so uplifted with only the simple recognition of what has been mysteriously missing! In one instant I suddenly feel like a whole person even though I’m still hurting the same. The tears are still flowing yet now they are tears of healing. I suddenly know deep down inside without any doubts that I can find the healing I have been searching for my whole life.

Your ability to directly define and address this concept as a whole is groundbreaking! Also, your encouraging and constructive feedback is very helpful to read for those of us that have very little of that available “IRL” (lol). It’s amazing how the smallest encouragement is so impactful. And thank you to all the other commenters who are sharing their stories. It’s an immense blessing to realize that I’m never alone in this journey, even if it feels that way in the moment.

You and your family, as well as the others in distant places who are going through this journey as well, you are always in my heart and prayers!
-Hope

Hi Diana
Thank you for sharing, there are some real similarities here. Maybe other people will take time to catch up but I’m also trying to work on how much I give to others. Sometimes saying “I can’t help you this weekend as I’ve been busy and I’m tired, I need to recharge myself”.

They don’t like it at first but sometimes will change their idea you’re not always available even if they don’t accept you have needs and are vulnerable/not strong at times x

Thank you for sharing this Perra, it’s really tough when others choose to stick to a label rather than the person stood in front of them. It’s helpful to know that I’m not alone and I hope we all make progress on this journey x