How Childhood Emotional Neglect Affects Your Adult Friendships

What I’m noticing is when I stand up for my needs, people reject me. No one wants to be my friend anymore if I’m not doing things for them like I used to. I feel like you didn’t address this in this article–that not everyone is going to be drawn closer to you–many people are going to leave. I suppose that’s a whole other article about toxic friends…

Jonice,
I don’t doubt that I suffer from CEN, as I answered “yes” to nearly every question on the test. However, it seems to me that I haven’t really read about any others that have the effects that I do. Instead of walling off my emotions, which I most definitely was forced to do as a child, it seems that the older I get and the more I stuffed my feelings down for so much of my life, that now they are overflowing. I can’t seem to control them or get a grip on them and often can’t even name them. I don’t think I suffer much of feeling numb, though I do feel that occassionally. Instead, I it seems like all I do is feel way too much, and I’m way too needy and chase people away. I have a counselor but I’ve been feeling stuck for a very long time with very little progression. I don’t know where to go from here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I resonate with a lot, if not all, of what is mentioned in this article. These statements specially resemble thoughts and reflections I had when it came to many friendships I’ve had:

‘I’m always there for my friends when they need me, but then when I need them they seem to let me down.’

‘My friendships seem to gradually drift apart.’

‘I feel like people take me for granted.’

I have two close friends, and I consider my partner my best friend. I am grateful for the people closest to me and admire what I have with them, yet I feel a deep loneliness and feel like I am clueless as to what a rich healthy friendship/relationship looks like, because I still feel distant no matter how close I am with someone.

The fact that I never really had a fight with the people closest to me sometimes annoys me, because I know that opposition, fights, can bring people closer and show how much you care about the other person.

I am thinking about the friendships I had, the way most of them faded, ended, or lacked substance in a sense. The most recent ones are from university, and I see now the reasons they weakened, specially with three friends: One friend, with which I had a good friendship, I developed feelings for, and felt like I could be honest with her about them but we didn’t develop strong communication and I felt deeply misunderstood, and even when I thought I was taking her feelings into account I seemed to had failed to do that – my attempts to communicate were obsessive and one-sided. I never stopped caring about this friend, and after reflection I realised I subconsciously repeated patterns I picked up from childhood (as I did and am with all friendships, and as it occurs with someone struggling with CEN, a disheartening realisation). Another friend I felt most close with, specially during the last years of university, whose company made me feel safe and we both cared about each other. However in the last year of university I started to notice patterns, gaps, and instances in which we hide our feelings from each other. After graduating and during the pandemic, despite keeping in touch I started to feel how inauthentic or lacking our friendship was. The third friend is someone I was in school with and later met again while enrolling in university and then we were in the same friend group. Whenever we hung out one-on-one I noticed she never really asked me personal questions, and I feel that has a lot to do with the being ‘unknowable’.

I am still in group chats with the same friend group, and recently we had our graduation ceremony (it was outside where I live, as I studied abroad), and I couldn’t be there but everyone in the friend group made it. I shared my feelings about being sad that I couldn’t make it and I tried to show that I want to be with them on that day, even from afar. That led me to feel even more alienated, and I felt instantly bad after reflecting and knowing I wasn’t making much conversation and subconsciously I ignored theirs. It was painful because I couldn’t bridge the gap between what everyone got used to (someone who’s usually emotionally distant) and what I am and want to be with healing.

What confuses me now is whether I should let go and remove myself from the chats, or stay around and maintain rapport/just remain in the chat until I feel more myself. Leaving the chat means giving myself space to heal, but it also feels like defeat.

I was nearly brought to tears reading this article as I relate to it on every level. With the exception of my relationship with my husband (very thankfully so!), I have repeatedly experienced all of those opening points listed with every friendship and relationship I’ve ever had in my 40 years. Even my relationship with my current and very loved best friend of 10 years (longest friendship to date and it’s long-distance!) I find myself feeling these things and it is incredibly disheartening and makes me feel a loneliness that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I have put so much faith in my relationship with best friend – that she’s the one who truly “gets me” and that she is loyal to the core with me, but I still end up feeling let down, like I’m the one who has to maintain the relationship at times (ie, if I don’t make the call, send the text/email, she at times probably won’t). For 10 years we’ve communicated daily and then weekly, and now I haven’t heard from her in a month and I just am feeling like I don’t want to have to be the one to send a text saying ”long time no hear…what’s up?”. Am I not important enough for her to reach out to me or do I always have to be the one to keep the lines of communication going? I realize I may sound a bit needy here, but I am the least needy person in terms of friendships, and often end relationships when I feel the other person is being too needy. Needless to say, I will definitely be ordering your book. I’ve known for awhile I was emotionally neglected along with physical and mental abuse by my parents – but I’m still learning as to how my upbringing currently is and has affected my life, and I’d love to learn more about how to correct and deal with these issues. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.

Dear Dr Jonice,

Thank you so much for your work!!!. I feel so uplifted with only the simple recognition of what has been mysteriously missing! In one instant I suddenly feel like a whole person even though I’m still hurting the same. The tears are still flowing yet now they are tears of healing. I suddenly know deep down inside without any doubts that I can find the healing I have been searching for my whole life.

Your ability to directly define and address this concept as a whole is groundbreaking! Also, your encouraging and constructive feedback is very helpful to read for those of us that have very little of that available “IRL” (lol). It’s amazing how the smallest encouragement is so impactful. And thank you to all the other commenters who are sharing their stories. It’s an immense blessing to realize that I’m never alone in this journey, even if it feels that way in the moment.

You and your family, as well as the others in distant places who are going through this journey as well, you are always in my heart and prayers!
-Hope

I can identify with CEN. I observe so many who experience CEN have parents from the so-called ‘silent-generation’. I have often wondered about this. My father (aged 93) also holds steadfast on the Dale Carnegie principle of ‘do not criticize, condemn or complain’ but i feel this taken to the extreme of not talking things out in a mature way expressing feelings in an assertive way.
I have people say but my parents religious and spent lots of times praying for us (me). This had me wonder if they can pray in silence but not talk or show emotions, is prayer a silent way they do in fact care emotionally?

I can relate to many of the comments here from those who are saying that they do try to open up and share feelings, and do ask for help from friends or family. I have always been fiercely independent and a giver so my friendships have always been a bit one sided. It never bothered me until I noticed that if I ask for even the smallest favor or support, I don’t get what I would expect on even the most basic level. Because of this and regularly being taken advantage of I have ended almost every friendship I have ever had. Maybe I’m just picking the wrong friends, although all of them seemed to be able to help others in need so why not me? My 2nd ex husband once told me that he thought I was such a strong person and that I didn’t need support in certain situations and even when I tried to tell him otherwise, it never changed. So he would routinely step on my feelings, which I made 100% crystal clear, in order to spare someone else’s. I’ve always felt like I was everyone’s second choice but have always just pushed through and believed in myself no matter what. I was very accomplished in sports as a child and while not academically inclined (due to the clics and bullying generally) I have a good career and am doing well financially. I’m an extroverted introvert and do well one on one but feel extremely uncomfortable at large social gatherings. I spend a LOT of time by myself and I’m just fine with that. I’m curious if most people with CEN are also somewhat introverted. It didn’t help that my father was military and we were told at an early age that children are to be seen and not heard, and not to speak to adults unless spoken to, which I think I took a little too literally even into adulthood. I’m also adopted so that adds a whole other set of invisible issues to the mix. When I tried to reach out to my sister in law several years ago, who is a trained social worker, about my issues with friendships she just told me I needed to seek counseling. So I don’t ask her any of the tough questions anymore. And when I reached out here a while back and mentioned, among other things, that I ended all my friendships because of being used, etc., I was also told that I needed to seek counseling, but nothing else. So even when I do try to reach out, to anyone, it seems I can’t find basic words of support. Story of my life. Maybe it is time to seek counseling and hope that someone will actually hear me.

Fantastic article. Explains and details how to help oneself. As always Jonice, you are the bomb! I can’t change what happened to me but with help, I can change my future. People harm us, people heal us.

My friends talk 80% of the time, and I squeak in a few words here and there. I find this exhausting due to CEN plus other physical issues. I don’t want to lose these friends, but I need to learn boundaries for myself, without them feeling I am unavailable and cutting them off. It’s a rock and a hard place. Thanks for all your wonderful help.

The fact is, I’m simply not LIKE anyone else. Nobody else I know has read 10,000 books on growing up with a parent with BPD … and codependency … and relationships … and childhood emotional neglect. Nobody else is trying to be a writer. My life sort of focuses on these things, and it’s too weird to talk about them when everybody else is going on about what they did this weekend.

My late husband was a novelist and we mainly hung out together because we were both writing like fools and nobody else really understood. Now he is gone and I am alone. Even in writer’s groups, those things tend to be mostly superficial; or if they’re not, it’s like what you wrote above. The other person talks more; or, in this era of Trump, I’m so repulsed by their politics or how they think about other people … I just don’t want to be around them anymore.

My whole life has been a big, long lesson in how not to be childishly dependent on other people and having relationships, how to grow up, how to be alone. I don’t think there ARE other people in the world for me. It’s a little daunting to be a fat old woman at 52 and know you will be facing aging, feebleness, deterioration, and your final illness alone … but you know, this is America these days. Nobody seems to give a shit about anyone else anyway unless they’re prominent, “successful,” and they’ve got money.

I’ve had to understand I’m not a good enough writer for that to ever happen to me. I’m going to be working the day job til I drop dead, and … you guessed it … I chose it to please parents and family. It’s not really me.

Oh, well. It is what it is. I’ve learned a lot this year about abandoning the impossible fantasies we create as children about having our “needs” met, and just getting along the way the world is.

I have one close friend who has moved away from me physically. I just have never maintained close friendships. When circumstances change I simply drift away. Or they do… I always think it is that they don’t like me ‘enough’ or value my friendship. But this doesn’t bother me now. Hasn’t really ever bothered me. I prefer to be alone more and more. Plus I knowI talk too much which I am sure turns people away from me..

Wow! I definitely have trouble with close relationships of any type due to not showing my feelings, in fact, I’ve just became a logical person only and have almost abandoned feelings entirely. I feel like an imposter when talking about my feeling. It’s so foreign and uncomfortable that I would rather just do without them. I know they are important for building lasting relationships, but I can’t get myself to make having feelings a welcomed and normal thing. How do I get myself to actually like having feelings again, cause right now I just don’t like them?

Thanks for what express on this topic so uniquely. Hey I wanted to ask a question on CEN that I haven’t seen addressed anywhere in psychology: What might be the affect of family order or size on CEN?

I grew up in a family of 8. I was 2nd to youngest. Sometimes I think I experienced CEN uniquely worse than my older siblings. In a way, I had to witness, almost experience, what my older siblings went through with CEN, in addition to my own CEN load.

Does this make sense? What might it mean for how I work through this?

This all rings eerily true in my experience… I am frequently told by my friends I don’t reach out enough and am rarely vulnerable. Deep down I don’t value myself so I figure people are bothered by me – even though I know rationally that isn’t true! So I overcompensate to make myself valuable by giving everything I can to my friends. By being a good listener, helping them make food, construction projects, computer help, and ironically a lot of my friends come to me like I am some life guru who has things ‘figured out’. I 100% built walls around myself as a kid. I remember having my emotions neglected and hurt often and each time thicker scar tissue grew around my heart. I would sit on my bed meditating on how to never let anyone affect me ever again. When I tried to show people vulnerabilities I could have salt thrown in my wounds so I chose to not be vulnerable to my parents or anyone else. I would practice an icy blank stare and flat affect and I would answer everything with as few words as possible. This unfortunately had the opposite affect on kids at school, they would mock me for being ‘dead inside’ and bully me to get a reaction. But having high affect control doesn’t mean you have life figured out… Then this made it even harder to be vulnerable because it was like I was living under a magnifying glass. I was rarely vulnerable, so when I was, it was a BIG DEAL. Narcists and emotionally needy people are drawn to me because I always put them first and that makes me not want to interact with people in general. Ugh this is all such a vicious cycle…

I’m seen as the strong one by my family and close friends, the one that can cope with stuff, the one that doesn’t need help when life is tough.

I worked out a few years ago this might be because of my CEN that I had always had to appear like this so I didn’t “ask for too much” emotionally and also because well if no one notices you anyway then what’s the point in showing your vulnerability if it’s ignored anyway.

So I started trying to be more vulnerable and honest about how I feel. To say I’m struggling etc
But it’s made no difference, ok I expect my family to maintain that label if “the string one” as it means they don’t need to care, but even my good friends, who reach out to others when they need it don’t reach out to me.

They’ve even said how they see me as strong even tho I’ve talked about feeling incredibly anxious many times and my own self doubt and confidence.

I feel I’ve become labelled in the past and I can’t lose it. I don’t feel I can be more open because I’ve been really honest and taken lots of risks already in doing so.

Family & Friendships : While young , the middle years and into our adult years we are different .

And we are different as we are always running on empty usually not for the self but for others constant pulling our udders dry to mastitis & sickness . We are used up always on call . And we get sick & tired in so many ways we do not know who we are . And then we must stop and look in the mirror upon reflection who am I now?

So people seem to get use to only seeing us in one dark light of being ran to run for them and not the prism of the beautiful colours we want to be seen as running on full for the self first because we may choose to do so and not be chosen by others to do their running . A big No!

Remember you own you . It is then our choice the speed we run not ran to function in healthy prosperous and profitable ways .

And as we have chosen to run on full and now know when to pull over to refill so the tanks never goes completely empty again sends a clear message to others I am here yes but not to run for you, only to assist in any way if I can. Cheerio.

At some point we must acknowledge I am who I am and am valuable to my self first . And I do not deserve to myself to have others run me as ran out on empty .

It may only be a first step to admit to one’s self how empty we have run ourselves out . And ask : What’s in your tank?

And then even by taking the first step on full recharging our batteries we realize we can go to live another day energized and return to our place saying my this feels good to be full of myself as a little humour never hurts the self to laugh at one’s self to start one’s motor the next day fully
charged .

The concern is always in that many know and knew us as ran out runners and are the people who continuously run us on empty until we are run out until we say that’s it and retrain them responsibly it is not who we are now.

Sometimes we must say stop for the self and find new roads that have filling stations along the way so we can refill in peace and go on .

Is it easy no? And until the self lays out one’s boundaries for the self first and the rules of engagement with others and learning, saying “No” is okay then it becomes the most beautiful musical word in the world because well your energy gauge remains on full charge and life seems to have more beautiful colours of the prism we all need to see because we run for the self now not to be outrun by others .

And we look forward to the next day no matter what is in front of us because we left our yesterdays behind to run our another day.

There is no free feelings sheet….it is just a link to your website. That website has a “questionnaire” page however it requires personal information to access it. Please post the FREE FEELINGS SHEET noted in the article. Thank you

You can have false starts with trying to talk about your feelings. I once went to a group in a psychiatric hospital I had been to designed to support people who had left it. After saying I felt very stressed I was bullied by one man – even to the point of him imitating me. The other people did nothing. I realise now it was a great mistake to join a group which did not have a trained psychiatrist or psychologist as a neutral adjudicator to make sure this sort of thing does not happen. I would urge people to be careful about this. Good groups have good strict and healthy boundaries. But being then passive I left the group without saying anything. I also later on had the experience of having an office meal and having to listen to a woman I loved (she did not know it) talk to her long term partner on the phone and then wait outside for him to pick her up. I didn’t want to interfere in the relationship as I knew the woman I loved was close to her partner and perfectly happy with him. A “friend” asked me later why I looked so upset and depressed. I told her how I felt and why (and wouldn’t have done unless she asked) and she told me I was behaving like a ten year old. This to me is confused behaviour as well as abusive. We have a right to our feelings for people and to love who we choose – what we don’t have a right to is to behave towards them as we choose. Although I was in love with this person my behaviour towards her was really respectful – infact without knowing how I felt she said I always behaved “like an absolute gentleman” to someone. Therefore I think ultimately it is behaviour that can be immature rather than feelings. After the confused and abusive remarks of my “friend” and other similar behaviour I terminated the relationship with her (the “friend”) and I don’t regret it. As it is I have many other friends and aquaintances in my life both men and women. However even with the friends I will have to call them or email them several times before they ring me and I make sure I sound upbeat on the phone and not emotionally draining (I know what a turn off this can be). In the light of COVID though I have decided that I will make more new friends by shaking things up in terms of my social life. I will not be defeated and I will try and make sure these new relationships are healthy 50/50 relationships and I don’t simply spend a lot of time just listening to the other person and all their problems (this pattern even happened with the “friend” that I later walked away from. I spent ages listening to her relationship issues and did not judge.) It is scary to stop just being the agony uncle for so many people but I will do it. Thank you Jonice for your extremely super article which has spurred me on.

Hello. I’ve read your books and gone to therapy and have been working really hard to change things for several years. I’m very happy with how things are progressing after a couple years of despondency and self-hatred after I first read your books. So, thank you so much for the change you facilitated in me with your books. An interesting, recent turn of events: there is someone I was ‘close to’ prior to me learning about CEN. We understood each other so well. We both had pretty abusive and highly neglectful childhoods (we knew each other as children, too). Turns out, we both had the same, unhealthy relational ‘skills.’ I think we felt ‘close’ bc we never talked about feelings and just about ideas and academic things and never asked for more from one another, which felt very safe and comfortable (when we were little, we had the same imagination and active playing styles). All this to say: we have a long, shared history and I know she refers to me as the closest person in the world to her. I gave her your books for Christmas. Since then, I find it REALLY hard to be around her and have even found myself wanting to end the relationship. I hate how she talks to her family, including her children. She never listens. She scoffs when people share their feelings or frustrations with her. Sometimes I want to shake her! I assume the reason this suddenly bothers me so greatly is bc I’m not willing to be that clueless, closed-off person anymore, and seeing her is a cruel reminder of how I made my husband feel for over a decade. Is there room, or is it healthy, to continue a relationship with someone deeply and resolvedly entrenched in the things I desperately want to leave behind? The other part of me is also alarmed by my new feelings toward her bc cutting someone off entirely is quintessential CEN behavior…

Thank you for your work. You have blessed my life.

I found that when I was less aware of my feelings I was a giver in friendships so people who were takers were naturally attracted to me. Finding my feelings, recognizing them, making sure my needs were met, did bring better people into my life.

Tried this, didn’t work. Being more honest with my emotions (such as talking about my major depression and anxiety) has caused an even greater disconnect with friends and family. I found that I am avoided more often now, because I somehow surrounded myself with emotionally neglectful friends as well.

Dear Dr. Jonice,

Please, more of this! Such an excellent article. Sometimes CEN causes us to carry people along with us that we would be better to have let go along time ago. Thank you!

Regards,

LAS

I can relate to this. But I think more along the lines of, I often don’t ‘feel’ like an adult even though I’m 42 and have two kids and own a home etc. I always feel like a kid when interacting with other adults and have a hard time connecting with them as an equal/friend. It’s hard to explain.

Hi, I have been suffering from being excluded and bullied by my siblings for years now and so much so I have developed PTSD. I avoid them if at all possible these days to protect myself. However, very recently one of my siblings has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I am feeling very unemotional about this but can see my presence may be required soon. I am a bit stuck about whether to follow similar advice to yours above or get sucked back in to an unhealthy dynamic. What would you advise, please.

And with that whole CEN effect , it’s compounded when I tend to pick friends who have experienced CEN and don’t realize it. And then after years of what I thought was a close great friendship, they disappear or build a deep chasm and we aren’t close. I’m left dealing w feeling abandoned again and working through it again.

Great article Jonice, thank you. Your work has helped me understand how much CEN has impacted me. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with my mother, but your article on friendship really resonates. I’ve always felt a bit of a loner and somewhat disconnected from the few friends I do have. I’ve also tended to hide away when I’m feeling down, on the basis I don’t feel acceptable for company i suppose. I’ve worked hard on being more open with my feelings and that is deepening the friendships I do have. I still feel a bit lonely and that’d like more quality friendships. CEN and my social anxiety make it challenging, but your work inspires me to keep going.

I’m often aloof from my friends, not contacting them for weeks and months on end. I’ve been told more than once that I am “unavaliable.” I think this is another way to deal with friends and feelings– keep them all at bay.

My friends definately have issues. It’s looking like 2 or 3 are depressed as well as other issues.
Because my friends have issues, I’m feeling like I am emotionally not where I need to be.
Hope this makes sense!

“The way you feel about yourself and treat yourself shows. Other people will start to see and feel that you are a person who matters. They will naturally treat you differently.”

what if people already ignore you and don’t see the changes you make? What if you already feel neglected and shunned by everyone; that no one sees when you feel good?

I’ve struggled with this for too many years; and until this article I didn’t have an understanding why…. but now I’ve spent most of my life building walls; that no one notices when i open a window and try to get out or let people in. I’m so re-closed that taking myself to a therapist or counselor ALONE is impossible for me now… because I feel so deeply that no one really cares or listens.

I call this The Law of Isolation. I’ve found that it applies in even the most life changing circumstances.

For example, 9 years ago I was told I had a form of chronic leukemia. I informed my boss of what was happening as I had to have a tests to determine the nature of the cancer which meant taking some sick leave. During the week between being told I had a malignancy and getting the actual diagnosis, I had several discussions with him (initiated by myself) on the matter as I was stressed out of my brain and thought I needed someone to talk to (nobody else cares so I chose him). When I returned to work after the diagnosis he asked once what the diagnosis was and never raised the subject again. He showed no concern when I was suffering from insomnia for months after the diagnosis. He never asked me once how I was feeling or if he could do anything to help. It was as if nothing had ever happened. I should also point out that I was seated right next to him and he was widely liked within the team.

I’ve told several others and they all behaved in a similar manner. With the benefit of hindsight, I should’ve kept the entire thing to myself. Anyway, I’ve found that sharing my problems is of little personal assistance. It doesn’t change the facts of the situation and people’s sympathy/empathy runs of me like water of a duck’s back. I think I might be immune to kindness.

Dear Jonice,

I read your books and found many answers. Thank you very much. But not all answers. How does CEN apply to immigrants? In their case CEN may be due to difficulties in adjusting to life in a new country. They may accept CEN as the price to pay and be grateful for being able to immigrate. Does CEN apply only to people who solved their other problems?

The article makes a lot of assumptions. It also blames the individual for their needs not being met. Not every child that grows up emotionally neglected builds walls around themselves and/or undervalues themselves. In fact, being emotionally neglected can make you more aware of your value, what you really deserve and the need to be open to people. Sometimes despite our best efforts to connect we just do not have the right people around to connect with. I understand this popular blaming the victim culture is a way that they can feel like they have control over their circumstances; if they just did the right thing and acted in the right way then surely positive friendship would come their way. Sadly, this is not how reality works. Sometimes the cards you are dealt are bad parents as well as bad friends.

Additionally, we are living in an age of digital connection where likes and generic comments on someone’s social media constitute a friendship and it focuses us on ourselves sharing your thoughts, your pictures, your goings rather than connection with others. It’s hard enough in this climate for people without as much emotional baggage to connect, let alone people who really need meaningful connections with quality people.

Telling people who are already in emotional distress that if they just got “healthy” they would attract the right people is false science and downright cruel. It assumes they aren’t already healthy or doing right things and sets them up for failure and disappointment. There is no guarantee you will have the right people to connect with regardless of your emotional health or attitude. Perhaps a better use of time would be helping people in these situations connect and cope with living without being able to have their needs fulfilled.

The problem for me, I think, is that I tend to choose people who aren’t the healthiest emotionally, and are often not emotionally available. How do you find and attract emotionally healthy people that are looking for friendship at my age? Most of the women I know are busy, busy, busy—with family and kids and even grandkids. I’m not the slightest bit interested in an intimate (dating) relationship with anyone, but companionship at times would be nice–someone to share my day, plan trips, go shopping with….it’s not easy.

Love your blog, was skeptical at first because I’m used to signing up for subscriptions to these things and them turning out to be scams and plugs, but your articles are well-written, insightful, and have genuinely helped me make some big changes in my life. Thank you so much.

Jonice, You must notice a real difference in effects of CEN on men versus women. Besides the CEN one receives in the family men also suffer doubly because they also must conform to the Man Box. Breaking through with both can become almost impossible, you may know what you need to do but are afraid or are discouraged from one or both.