Hi Weena, your story really resonated with me and I just wanted to share mine in solidarity.
Like you, I believe that there is an autism-like trait in my family that I do not share, although in my case it’s only my father that has this trait while my mother is a product of an emotionally-neglected childhood as well.
Growing up I sensed that my dad was different than all my friends’ parents somehow but I couldn’t really explain it other than he was “weird.” But I did notice that my mom was not close to me and that my girlfriends talked with their moms about stuff like boys, friendships, school, while my mom just never seemed interested in my life. I recall thinking even as a kid that my dad often behaved more childishly than any of us kids, and I gave up at a very young age seeing him as someone I could talk to about my problems. Meanwhile my mom had/has this old school attitude of “a wife always takes her husband’s side” even over the needs of her own children, even when he’s acting reckless, selfish, immature, etc. This translated into my teenage years filled with daily screaming matches at home between my dad and me as I rebelled against his childish behaviors, even as I wasn’t mature myself. The fights always ended with me isolating in my room to calm myself down, while my mother soothed my father’s feelings. Making matters worse, we lived in a very small house with thin walls so I always overheard my parents’ conversations where I would be painted as a villain, with my mom consoling my dad after having suffered my “mistreatment.” My mom never defended me or consoled me. Seeing me in tears or extremely upset elicited a cold reaction and I would be told to go to my room until I could “act normal” again. I can recall a specific instance as a teen when my dad got behind the wheel to drive us all the 45 minute drive home when he clearly had too much to drink, my mom weakly suggesting that she drive only to acquiesce quickly to my father’s insistence that he drive, me calling it out, my dad getting really angry at me, my mom basically telling me to shut my mouth, and my siblings silently hearing the whole thing play out. The memory stands out because it was a clear instance where I *knew* I was in the right but was completely invalidated and alone; but there were many other similar scenarios that happened routinely.
My parents weren’t/aren’t horrible people and I knew that they did/do love me and my 3 brothers, but there was always something missing and it took until my late 30s to figure it out. I left home as soon as I could and ran from one bad relationship to the next, all while struggling to find a career path with no guidance, role models, or mentors along the way. When I told my mom that I was separating from my 2nd husband and moving out to start a grad school program, her response was a long pause, then she said “Ok Amber, I need time to process this.” The inadequacy of her response became crystal clear when I also told my part-time boss that I was leaving my husband, and his response was “I’m don’t mean to pry, but I just want to make sure that you are safe, and let me know if you need help.” Compare my boss’ reaction to my mom’s and do the math- yeah, zero support from my family (me starting grad school didn’t even register on their radar). Fast forward a few years and I finally have found a good and supportive partner (who also struggles with CEN, but we’re both working healing). The first time he spent time with my dad, he summed it up like this: you’re family is great, but I’m pretty sure your dad is on the spectrum. Bam! It was like a light bulb went on over my head. His simple analysis suddenly made all the childhood and teenage memories click into place and make sense! That realization, plus my learning of CEN through Dr.Jonice, have illuminated the dark areas of my life in ways that years of therapy and anti-depression prescriptions from various counsellors and doctors never seemed to quite help.
My “fatal flaw” is still inside me, but I’m aware of it and much more empowered now. Out of all 4 of us, I think I’ve fared the best out of my siblings- I finished school and landed a career that at least doesn’t make me miserable and affords me financial stability (even if it’s not my heart’s true calling), and I have a wonderful partner who truly knows and loves me. My elder brother is in his late 40s, has never had a successful relationship, has an unsatisfying meager job, and has moved back in with my parents; my youngest brother has never been independent, still lives with my parents, has had various trouble with the law for dumb shit like shoplifting, and I suspect is also on the spectrum himself. The other middle child, my brother who is closest in age to me is independent and has a career that he loves, but hasn’t been able to find a loving relationship which he desires more than anything at this point, despite being attractive, kind, generous, and a fun guy. I feel bad for him, and my other brothers, and my mom, and even my dad too- I wish I could help all of them to heal from the pattern and legacy of CEN in our family. God give us all strength and compassion towards ourselves, and each other. I hope sharing my story has helped you feel a little less alone on your journey as well.

I finally began going through my email and due to my state of despondency ( I am referring to the list of 58 words), I am encouraged to continue reading your book, “Running On Empty”, which I had started over the Summer and stopped for no apparent reason. I think it was due to one of those “Start but don’t complete” reasons, that plague we survivors of CEN. Thank You for the work that you are doing. Thank you for giving me validation to those issues and feelings that I have been experiencing and not been able to express or put into words. I thank my Therapist for recognizing my CEN and referring me to your book!

No, it doesn’t change your feelings to understand what’s wrong. Only you can do that. I encourage you to start healing your CEN. You can learn a lot about that process in my blogs and books. All my best to you, Deborah.

thank you for replying ! i have read and reread your book and enjoy every reading.

Tim.
This sounds all-too-familiar to me…my son’s father, also named Tim, has a physical deformity from a birth defect as well. He has openly admitted to using it (the deformity) as what he calls a “crutch”, and as an excuse/reason as to why he’s so insecure. Numerous surgeries have helped his appearance but he thinks about “what makes him different” all the time, and always has. He’s 53.
With all that said, I’m trying to understand exactly what you’re saying in your comment regarding your quite similar situation; if you have time and are willing, would you be so kind as to try to explain a bit further?
As someone who has a “family” member with such similarities, I’d love to know how to “deal” with him at times…maybe further education and another’s perspective on a similar issue will help us to get along and co-parent in a healthier manner, for the sake our 5 yr old son? Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions that could help me understand his point of view, and explain why he does and says the things he does, would be greatly appreciated.
Brightest blessings.
Greatest of luck in your healing journey.