The Painful Secret Many People Live With: The Fatal Flaw

Is it only concern about what others think of you? They are really not important at all. Many times people see things that others do not…doesn’t make them any less human or frail does it? So, if you are “one of them” who sees things that others do not? It’s not your failure, but it may be their problem as well. When one is clear on what one needs, there should be no fear of others…for you just may find they are much the same as you….LOST for a period of time? And when somebody puts on airs, so to speak, well here’s a good suggestion for you…..they look ridiculous sitting on a toilet seat….and people who wear pants….put on those pants…one pant leg at a time. Don’t believe all lives are better than yours…it’s rather like looking over a neighbor’s fence and thinking the grass is much greener on his side of the fence?

thanks so much for the research and the passion to develop such a study. I picked up the book, Running on Empty. it has open my eyes to so much within me.
thanks Nat

Hi Dr. Jonice,

I finally began going through my email and due to my state of despondency ( I am referring to the list of 58 words), I am encouraged to continue reading your book, “Running On Empty”, which I had started over the Summer and stopped for no apparent reason. I think it was due to one of those “Start but don’t complete” reasons, that plague we survivors of CEN. Thank You for the work that you are doing. Thank you for giving me validation to those issues and feelings that I have been experiencing and not been able to express or put into words. I thank my Therapist for recognizing my CEN and referring me to your book!

Thank God for you Dr. Webb. You have put a name to everything I have struggled with my entire life. Every single symptom you describe here is me. It is comforting to know I am not the only one with these feelings, but it doesn’t change them.

Bang on!!
Thank you!

OMG, this very thing happened to me today. I was walking my dog at the park and no one else was there. I actually like that, because I like the solitude at the park. As soon as I saw a car pull in I felt anger, resentment, insecurity. And this is all because of the thought I might have to have an interaction with them. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
“Why do I automatically go to the place that there is something wrong with me? Feeling that feeling of less than?” Insecurity ran through me like a river.
Im still learning how to work through these feelings of somehow, some way Im a way different then other human beings. That I am somehow not on equal footing.
It is so frustrating at times. And I also feel there are people in this world that can sense this feeling inside of me and if Im not careful, they will surely take advantage of me on some level.

Dear Dr Webb. The concept of the fatal flaw is thought provoking. It has made me wonder about my own flaw that has dogged me all my life. I was born with a congenital deformity, for which I had a huge amount of surgery throughout my childhood. T left me knowing I am defective. After all a deformity is a fact, not a belief, right?

But your article has left me wondering if my fatal flaw is really the physical deformity, or my perceptions and interpretations of the treatments, intended to correct it? I don’t think I’ve explained that very well, but I wonder if you get the gist what I am trying to make sense of?

Have all of them. I have done so much work and am so much better, but when a trigger hits I can still be brought to my knees and it feels like no progress has been made.

Dear Dr,

Am a product of CEN. I’ve never been appreciated or allwed to express myself. I was brought up in foster home(of a relative) and the only value they had for me was to work, choes, serve, repeat.
Sometimes i wonder how i’ll get to know what really happened to me in childhood. I feel like a child and am attracted to ladies far much younger than me. I admire the youthful lifestyle and am unable to relate with people of my age(am 52!!). Hence my progress in life has been too slow because i keep to myself and when i have company it’s with very young people. There is too much i can say but…
How do i deal with this?

So, I’ve seen a lot of the previous comments talk about diet and excercise as a cure. I grew up on a farm, in a household that raised our own cattle, chickens, fruit and vegetables. The fertiliser used was blood and bone, manure and compost. We ground our own flour to make bread, we walked or ran everyday to and from the bus stop 2km away. Needless to say we ate VERY healthily and practically organic. The cleaners we used consisted of vinegar, bicarb-soda and elbow grease. We spent a lot of time outdoors, and were all fairly to very fit. My family is and was toxic. My mother and father grew up the same way and they have issues. My father and two of my siblings are autistic, one of which has cPTSD from boarding school the other gets panic attacks from living at home. My mother has cPTSD/a hyperactive amygdala, my other two siblings are or were depressed, one of which was suicidal the other had anxiety. Does a healthy lifestyle assist in healing? Probably. Is it the be all and end all? No. Stop trying to sell it as such, it’s triggering as hell. There is so much more that goes into making a happy person and family. I had allergies as a kid, no way my Mum would let ‘chemicals’ anywhere near me. She’d lord it over me too, even after I’d grown out of them. Focussing too much on diet can cause so many problems, anorexia, bulimia, etc. Self-care is something a lot of people with cPTSD and therefore, I’d assume, a large portion of those with CEN, struggle with. Have you eaten today? Is often more valid than, are eating three cups of organic vegetables and meat? Don’t forget to drink eight cups of water and don’t eat that, it’s got too many calories, and the million and one things that bombard anyone who tries to eat healthy. You want to know the healthiest diet? The Wahls diet. Tell me how many so called food gurus actually follow it? Get off your high horse. Not everyone can afford to eat organic food. And sometimes the stress of making food is just too much. And that’s okay. Try to eat well most of the time, and get some rest.

I have read and enjoyed your book and the awakening.i have shared with my wife and she with me! As far as i am able i feel,sometimes more. I have a life threatening condition,but because i am asymtomatic,i am not offered an op.My CEN seems to affect me so i am almost unable to feel the gravity of the situation.It is serious,”so what” is my take on it.I reasure my with that it will all be okay,but “it will be what it will be” I feel numb almost, not afraid,not unduly worried! I know i should feel more but!! Good or bad it is what it is! Les

I cried when I read this. Regardless of how much progress I have made (and believe you me, it’s a LOT, thanks in large part to YOU!), I still shoot myself in the foot when it comes to allowing myself to have and enjoy the creature comforts that so many of my friends take for granted.
I continue to hold out hope for greater healing as I continue to challenge the deeply buried inaccuracies planted during my upbringing.
Thank you, Dr. Webb.

Hello. I wanted to comment and share my fatal flaw. I think it is actually two. One (you mentioned here) is being unattractive. I believe with my whole being I am fat and ugly and nothing is going to make me believe otherwise. The other is I am different. And I am. Not necessarily in a bad way. I am 99% sure it comes from not only emotional neglect but also being sexually abused from age 8-13. I am working on all this with a great therapist (the abuse) but am not sure the ugly issue “fatal flaw” will ever go away.

This is why I’m hesitant to get into another relationship. As much as I continue to learn and understand myself, and as conscientious as I am, I still feel I have a fundamental flaw, like tools missing from a toolbox, and wouldn’t be able to meet a woman’s emotional needs.

I know I’ve got a lot to give and I’m the best me I’ve ever been, but I’m still a bit stuck. I wish there were CEN dating resources. I think a CEN woman would get me.

Thank you for this really useful article Dr Webb. One thing I would say is that I have spent my life feeling rather peculiar – and somehow I thought this made me different from most people and if they knew what I felt like they would view me with disgust. However I now think it really isn’t that peculiar to feel peculiar. It is part of the very complex condition of being a human being. And what i say (even though I am not a believer) is thank God we are all as messy and peculiar as we are. Apart from anything else it makes life a lot more valuable and interesting.

Dr, every time I read something from you it hits the core of me and I am amazed and surprised and whole bunch of other feelings I don’t know. I can’t take the time to understand it all right now but at least I know that this exists for other people and that you and hopefully other doctors understand it. Your articles hits home, they hit my heart, and hit my gut. I’m truly amazed that the way I feel isn’t just me. Thank you for bringing awareness. I hope to find time to work on myself.

Thank you Jonice for the education. I hope many more can benefit from it by reading your book and receiving emails. Although I wish I had found it earlier than two thirds through my life, I am able to realise how wrong my parents were. “Why can’t you be more like C?” from one parent, and “I don’t know where you were got” from the other. The middle child I was often introduced as ‘ the rebel’ and others such as The Prodigal. My father always spoke of my older sister as the Bright One in the family, altho she was downgraded to the ‘ B’ class at the private school they scraped to afford. She got poor marks at graduation, and scraped into a low entry college. I never understood their favouritism, but studied at public high school and got good results and a place at the best hospital in the country to study my profession. When I shared the results with Dad, who was in hospital at the time, all he said was He wasn’t feeling well, and we talked about other things. Some examples of the harsh discipline: I was grounded for six weeks for wearing eye shadow. I was grounded for six months for walking along the street with a boy, who had asked me for a date, by letter. The answer was No at age 15, and was told maybe at 16. When I was 16, it was No again, altho Sis was riding around town secretly on a motorbike and smoking. I was a director at age 29, and had successive good jobs after. At age 23 I left the country and made a new life because I was still a rebel, and was becoming more confident. There was another sibling, another Golden Child too. One parent favoured one, and the other parent favoured the other. I had two children and thanks to childrearing books of the day, was able to treat both with love and fairness, not wanting to repeat the upbringing I had. I did not hold it against my parents but when visiting friends homes, I used to think they were putting in a show. Gradually I realised we were different, and that most parents were proud of their children when they were achievers. It did affect my own view of myself, despite thinking and knowing their attitude was wrong, but life is unfair at times and you have to stumble on and keep trying. I had good teachers, who made me feel encouraged, although I still fear failure at many things and endeavours. The tool kit is so helpful, when looking back and seeing the successes. I know many have had a much more challenging life, with more severe and varying types of abuse, so I hope they can find this info and look at themselves and have courage . The tools here to overcome those thought are excellent, and I thank you gratefully for making this available to all.

Hi Dr. Jonice :
Anyone who has had a childhood from “ hell” in the end really wants first a validation of self and then a balance validation from others .

For some reason it seems many want it from others before beginning this journey to seek their approval first to get the self validated .
Does not work! It is a Narcissist’s Picnic.

Until one says ,” that’s it” stands back out of the polluting fog of others then when a speck of light is seen and surprisingly if one is open to the self to let it in and it happens there is clarity even a drop of water is better than a gallon to swamp one under to see and feel a new vision and direction.There is hope.

The downside is the other usually says, “ I liked you the other way before” and bam, bam knocked down again.

As the Chevy commercial says “ Find new roads “ and to get clarity one has to find their own new road(s) first for the self .
Looking and waiting for others to get validation is like waiting for the streetcar that never comes realizing the tracks were removed long ago going nowhere .
Find new roads your road to your self validation and what the rest do is what they do everyday look after themselves first before you, which brings us back to where we began because you will continually run in others circles waiting for another’s validation and usually you end up in a dead end with no way to turn around or back out as they carry on telling others that guy has psychological problems .

Give me a break and a brake to know the difference to work on the self first and yes seek help to get a sense of direction and sometimes it may be one little thing in childhood that blinds our vision to light to see a new road ahead for the self.

Make it your priority to focus on healing, weather it is psychological or biological, stay focus on healing. Remember the shortest quote from Winston Churchill “never ever give up”

You call it a “Fatal Flaw.”
For years I have had my own term: The Curse.
I am cursed.
I have even considered visiting a psychic to try to get it lifted! Sad and funny to consider my sense of personal doom is actually just a predictable outcome of what you describe as CEN.
I grew up in a very intellectual, brilliant family completely devoid of emotional recognition; my children are among a total of 12 grandchildren and they confidently describe some of their cousins as being clearly “on the spectrum.” Their blunt-spoken perspective has aided me in re-examining my own roots. I now firmly believe my family carries an autism-like trait–which I do not, however, share. I was always the “basket case” in the family and “getting in trouble” for showing my emotions. Tears were walked away from. Crying was sure to get you isolated. I was left alone with my pain, lacking words to describe how I felt, and not allowed to share either the words or the feelings.
Now, after reading the CEN information, I am patting myself on the back for preserving, to some extent, my emotional normalness. I am working to cultivate it now in midlife as a gift and a boon rather than as something to suppress and be ashamed of–as I was taught in my family’s culture.
I have had some terrible, tragic experiences in my life and when I have tried, even recently, to “debrief” about these with my mother, and have started to feel teary-eyed while talking w/ her on the phone, she briskly says, “Well, I guess I need to be going, and so do you.”
Yup.
When the going gets emotional, she vanishes.
My mother was never a hugger, was not the mom to wipe away tears and comfort us. It was always “Oh, for heaven’s sake, grow up.”
We did. Into extraordinary loneliness.
Now I’m trying to remember the soft, emotional child I started out as. It’s kind of fun. I like me better this way.
But I am still cursed, and the structure of my life reflects that.
Well…. progress is progress.
Maybe I WILL go see a psychic!

I forgot to mention that yes Diabetes can be cured,along with cancer etc,I’ve seen it happen,it’s all about diet, lifestyle, and attitude,but as long as someone is willing to keep eating garbage food and drink alcohol they will stay ill.It’s no different with emotional issues,they can be cured.So please,anyone out there that thinks they are stuck with whatever is holding you back,BELIEVE,it works,yes it takes time and work,but no one should give up.My DR.s actually told me there was no cure for some of my issues,and I proved them wrong

I read this article with real interest. I feel like everything that was listed is me!! I know I am not the ugliest or the stupidest or any of the other fatal flaws but I am full of self doubt. I read the reasons for these feelings and am in total agreement. Many are related to family but I guess it’s my reaction to what they did or did not do that is the important part. There were times when I blamed my parents but now that they have both passed, I am more forgiving. I just wish that we had talked about how I felt and what they did or didn’t do. I am not blaming just accepting what can’t be changed.

A belief may be able to be changed, but our beliefs should be based in truth. I AM different. Grossly different.
And I am keenly aware of what my fatal flawS are. They aren’t subconscious. It isn’t a lie. It wasn’t because somebody told me I wasn’t good enough. It’s because I have Complex PTSD because of an entire childhood filled with abuse. Having C-PTSD means that I have a condition, which has no ‘cure’, which I will carry with me for the rest of my life. People w C-PTSD see the world differently. We think differently. We feel differently. We sense differently. We ARE different.
I don’t mean to sound discouraging or negative but it is true. I tried most of my life to ‘believe’ something else.
Instead, it is a truth that I must come to accept and then work on my issues the best I can to improve.

I used to think that everything that was wrong w me was because of my parents. I spent decades in therapy trying to resolve my issues. At that time I believe it was all about what my parents did, or didn’t do, for me. Since I’ve been studying ‘The 3 Principles’ paradigm, I see life completely different. The truth I learned is: every experience and feeling I have about everything, without exception, comes from thought. MY thought — to be exact. When I realized this truth, I stopped blaming my parents for my issues, problems and short comings. These principles are so powerful when applied, many psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists are teaching these principles to their clients. This is neither psychology or religion. It works without exception

I am different from the other kids on the playground. I don’t see “things” in the same way. I can’t always communicate with them because they can’t follow my train of thought and I can’t figure out how to couch it in terms they will understand. My motivations tend to be different.

I don’t see it as a flaw. It’s part of what makes me unique. And it’s provided good experiences when working with those who are as willing to meet me halfway as I am them.

My SO is an anxious, high-energy person. While others have berated him for his differences and his behaviors, I’ve cherished them because they are part of who he is and there are good things to find in them. Harnessing his anxiety helps make it a tool at times that balances my impetuousness.

Flaws do not have to be flaws- they can be turned into something positive with attitude and working on boundary issues as well as understanding the roots of the “flaws”.

I lived with all of those ideas,along with emotional,physical,and sexual abuse.It has taken me decades to heal myself,and it will still take time to completely heal.I have found thru my extensive research,and trial and error to not to trust the Dr.s,or the ever increasingly totally wrong fads,{trying to be a vegetarian almost killed me}.Between over a decade of childhood lost to my mother and her trust of Dr.s,and another 16 years for my Thyroid,I lost all of my hair,what little energy I had and 20 pounds,because my Dr kept changing up my meds without dealing with the real cause.I decided to take my health into my own hands and now I’m actually getting well enough to leave my abusive husband,the 2nd one.As I am healing the depression is almost gone,the ADD is only bad when when I have been out in public dealing with all of the chemicals,my home is almost chemical free,and when I leave my husband I will be completely chemical free.So many of our problems can be helped with a clean green diet and getting rid of the hundreds of chemically laden cleaning and personal products.It’s tough to do,but very well worth it

For me, and for some others, the Fatal Flaw is real. I am different from the majority. I have ADHD. My work is to get past denial, recognize and value my differences, and to make them work for me. It’s been an uphill battle and I’m so grateful that I finally got the correct diagnosis.

What if instead you find out that you are/were really different? Growing up my parents always called me ‘backwards’ as I had social issues. In adulthood, after seeing a therapist for something else that happened, I was told I was ADHD. Later after seeing a medical doctor for something different, he suggested instead of ADHD, that I was PDD-NOS which is high functioning Autistic. If you go through life thinking you’re no different then everyone else but ‘feel’ different yet then find out you potentially ‘are’ different, how does one deal with this once they are WAYYYYY into adulthood? You finally figure out why other people think differently then you do about almost everything. Would I have been better or worse off if I’d had help when I was younger? Who knows? It would have been nice if my parents had been educated enough to not call me and my sibling ‘backwards.’

Thank you Dr. Jonice! Once again you nailed it. Simply put, but at the very root of it all!