Childhood Emotional Neglect Discussion Page

I read the book and took the test. I answered yes to all the questions. All 22. I truly believe this is the place to start therapy. How do I find a therapist who can guide me in this journey? I am so tired of this feeling of “not being”. Thank you.

What do you do when both partners have CEN?

I live in Europe and purchased your book couple of days ago, really looking forward to reading it. I was bullied by the adults who were in charge of me day and night for years as a child. I was neglected while also being physically, sexually and emotionally abused. I know that I’m affected by it but I wonder if there is anything specific that I suffer from after encountering all that. Being bullied by everyone in the household was the worst i could ever go through, I was partly bullied in school but that was nothing compared to being bullied at home. And yes I had no close relationship with those adults, they were family but they treated me worse than strangers. I also didn’t live with my parents back then. I’m a teenager girl right now and I don’t live with them. I think what’s even worse of all that is that they don’t think or know they did something bad. And that their actions are the reason why I’m going through this crisis of realizing this now and having a hard time to just live my life, I want to but it is and seems very hard. Everytime I hear or see them i get anxiety and fear and just want to get away from them but people don’t understand. My question is, what do I suffer from specifically after being abused in every possible way as a child? ESPECIALLY being bullied? Because I haven’t come across much regarding the effects of children being bullied by their very own. That made me very confused too as a child to be bullied by my family. Sorry for the long post btw. Thanks in advance

Dear Dr Webb, First of all. I will listen to and read your steps to help me through this.
I have been emotionally tormented since 8 and am now 53. I can’t seem to be internally powerful enough to crawl out of my mothers control.
She is a narcissist and demands all attention.
I have moved away from her and have only made it one year. Even when she has hurt me terribly emotionally I will still contact within a week. The longest of no contact is one month. Of course she never makes first contact.
My father has picked up alot of her behavior, yet when he is alone with me he cries. It breaks my heart that my 80 year old father has accepted the role of his abused children.
I am the middle of five and cannot seem to move on. I have three brothers that are alcoholics and crave her love but use the alcohol and stay distant.
I want to move on and cannot seem to. At my worse points in life I contemplated suicide because I felt like I had no value. But I didn’t want to hurt my family. So as I get older I try to figure out how to break away from this negative, bitter, angry, sarcastic, non loving human. And again I believe in my heart that it will hurt her so it prevents me from staying away.
Although I think that I have this need for my mother to love me that I keep trying. My therapist told me that I look for sparkles. I have trained myself that when my mother calls me “Hun” it means that she loves me.
I realize her illness but now realize I am ill due to this.
I’m sad. Thanks for listening.

I really resonated with your writing about CEN. I believe I have it. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights as a child, and always feelings of deep shame. I am 43 now and really sad because i can’t seem to find a family or relationship. I am surrounded by people who have kids, partners and I feel I am looking through a glass wall. My negative self- talk is so pervasive it’s overwhelming, especially now with the holidays. The things that seem to help my negative self- talk are being at the Buddhist monastery, being with really kind and loving people, and being in the wilderness. I feel like a zombie much of the time. People say I am kind and easy-going, easy to work with. I have an inner voice that tells me I am defective and damaged beyond fixing. I have a history of physical abuse and a lot of yelling and name calling in my house growing up. My brother seems unscathed. I am the oldest. He is married with kids. A lot more functional in society’s eyes. I feel unworthy of love and a normal life…so much shame I feel inside. I have been in therapy for years. My therapist now is going to do EMDR which will be good. I just want to be able to fulfill my dreams and live a normal life…Thank you for your post and your book and getting it out there.

im 55 and have struggled my entire life. I know I have BPD but still have managed to remain undiagnosed. I answered yes to every question. I’ve always loved animals over people. I have my beloved who adores me and I’ve healed so much but I still struggle with being here every day of my life. My father was violent and my mum has BPD too. I was recently told by one shrink that I could’ve gone either way: totally sinister or so aware of my pain i’d never want to inflict it on anyone. I don’t lash out often coz I was beaten to internalise it. I’m on norspan for violent chronic pain and Duloxetine for major depressive disorder and am saddened terribly that my life is over and I’m destined to this end of violent pain. The same as my beginning. I don’t know what to do and think of ending my life often.

(Not using my real name)

So when I saw the 20 questions, I apparently got 20 of them.
I haven’t gone to any doctor because my parents would tell me to pray.
My friend recommended me this site and I’m just feeling a plastic joy all over me.
So… yeah… any advice?
I’m 16 btw.

Help me. I am in my 50’s and it still hurts. I still have my parents. The pain is not so much from my Dad as my Mom. I dread the holidays. I have to go see them T-giving and Xmas. It is so hurtful. I am still ignored. I have to go. They are getting older and not in good health. I just want a normal parent/child relationship. I have OCD, depression, and mood swings, and a horrible TYPE A personality. It affects my husband and my only son, who is 25. I am a mess.

I want to thank you for all the work you have accomplished on this topic. I could check almost everyone of the items you listed….I thought I had these feelings due to sexual abuse, but I also realize that I, and my siblings were neglected. Our parents were always into their own hot mess of drinking, leaving and their problems. We were more of a burden to them. It’s sad for all of us. I am ordering your book as I go through the healing process.

Hi Dr. Webb – Do you have any comments about the role of religion and CEN?
I’d be interested to know if you have encoutered clients who have experienced ‘well-meaning’ religious people who discourage feelings and emotions, as this is seen as a weakness, ‘distrust’ of God and having lack of ‘faith’.

Dr. Webb,
I’ve had panic attacks and GAD for 35 years, and like many people, didn’t think my childhood was a strong contributing factor. Recently I started EMDR and am slowly realizing I was emotionally neglected as a child. Along with my anxiety I have somatic symptoms that are no fun to manage. Heart palpitations, chest pain, tightness in the throat, lump in the throat, etc. The list goes on, but they’re all centered around heart, chest, and throat and happen even when I’m not having a panic attack. Of course, I’ve had these checked by doctors and nothing has ever been found. My therapists agree it’s all part of my anxiety. Have you found these types of somatic symptoms to be common in patients who experienced childhood emotional neglect?
Thanks for your response, and I look forward to purchasing and reading your book.
HGB

Hi Jonice

I am incredibly grateful to have come across your book. It aptly described the internal struggle I’ve had for years, but never been able to articulate. Thank you.
I’m fairly certain my parents fit into the ‘well-meaning but neglected themselves’ category. The thing I find difficult about this category, is just that – they are indeed well meaning, but simply don’t have the skills to meet me at an emotional level.
Do you have any advice (or could you recommend any books) for how to achieve a level of relationship with parents that suits all parties? I have learned to lower my expectation of what they can offer me, but I sense they are still expecting a high level of relationship from me. I don’t want to hurt them, but due to my current vulnerability (as I’ve started the process of realising I have feelings (allowing myself to feel them)) and have found I’ve needed to distance myself from my parents.
I don’t feel that confronting the CEN issue with them would be appropriate due to their emotional fragility.

An after thought: My mother keeps telling me that I am resilient and always bounce back. She seems to have me confused with a superball that needs no help to bounce through life. In reality I feel more like an insect splattered on a windshield.

Dr. Webb,

We are planning to use the CEN questionnaire for our degree paper. If we have your permission, May we ask the validity and the reliability of the questionnaire? Thank you so much and God bless. 🙂

Dr. Webb,

I’m curious, if CEN are often told by a parent that they are ” too sensitive” or “too emotional” when
they seek out a connection with that parent or try to confide in them. I was relentlessly told this growing
up and still am at 47 by my mother. I was basically ignored emotionally by my father. I have been sufferkng
with depression for so long. I have 3 wonderful sons, one who I have also called “dramatic” at times. I
don’t want to repeat any of the same parenting crap, i feel more aware of it and yet i still struggle. I just want
to be happy.

-Christine

This book really has helped me all the years of thinking there was really something wrong with me. I always knew deep down that the problem was with my mom. I totally get it, I even know it wasn’t all my moms fault as she to was treated this way by her mother but fortunately for my mom she had her father ( my grandad) whom validated her, I had no one. I could have forgiven my mom for this but she continued to treat me as if I didn’t matter even when she knew my ex husband was emotionally cruel she enabled him. Never has my mom asked me how I am, never has my mom been interested in anything I have done. She thinks I am a tough person, she knows nothing about me. My mom is getting on in years now and I cannot be the daughter I should be, this goes against my natural personality but I simply can’t do it.

I am so thankful for your book; finding there was a name for what I experienced. I have a question about invisibility. I was at a study group and afterwards everyone was chatting with each other except me. I had this overwhelming feeling of being invisible. It brought me almost to tears. Just this past Saturday at a funeral I was standing with my husband and other men when a lady I knew came up, stood right next to me and asked where all the wives were. I said “I’m right here” and she replied “I didn’t see you”. I’m not sure of what to make of this. I’ve been shut down emotionally for decades because of neglect but also because of not being allowed to have emotions in the family. In their eyes I had to be toughened up to face life. I am also a Highly Sensitive Person and wonder if the combination is why I’m sensing this so much. Is “invisible” a description of what you would list under Alone in your feeling words list or is something else going on?

I don’t know why I’m writing this (my ph is messing up so I hope you get all this). Maybe to vent or finally confirm why I’m “crazy”. But its definay because I have two beautiful kids that I always give & show them love & support so I hope to NOT treat them like I was. I am the oldest of three girls with 7 & 12 yr age diff from my sisters. My mom wasn’t/isn’t able to say she loves us until we (mostly her &I) got into horrible agruments. She always knew how to find what was bugging us (homework, body image, etc) to start our arguments. And no matter how much we would agree with her (just to avoid the arguments) she just berated us til we or mainly I would try to defend myself. Once dad got home she would tell him a completely different account of whatiy had happened so we could get punished. She would never say “I love you” or anything supportive or positve. Whenever we would try to give her hugs or any sort of affection she would push us away and say “Leave me alone”, to this day that still hurts. My parents would ground me in high school for grades from report card to report card. No tv, no phone, no radio, no friends over, and I couldn’t come out of my room unless it was to eat or go to bathroom. Im all for punishment when due, but was that
little much? Could that be the reason why Im socially awkward? I have a hard time meeting new people?Don’t have friends and I avoid social functions as much as possible. I used to be social but it was hard keeping up that facade

I’m in my early 50s and I can say that these thoughts and feelings don’t go away with time, unfortunately. As a matter of fact, depending on what else is going on in your life at the moment, they can’t rise up again and cause a lot of grief. I went through a divorce several years ago and I could not understand why I wasn’t recovering as well or as soon as some of my friends going through the same thing. Over time, I realized it was because my issues surrounding the divorce were wrapped up in and made worse by my childhood experience.

Incidentally, my father died unexpectedly when I was a young adult and my mother found a new partner within a matter of weeks and they married not long after. My stepfather has been a witness to this dysfunction for years…whenever he mentions to my mother that she is cold and hurtful to her children (particularly her oldest ones) – her response is always the same: “they just need to get over it”…..I think she denies it as a coping mechanism to avoid the truth….and yet in spite of it all, I know I will miss her one day when she’s gone. Thankfully, the cycle is broken in this generation – my siblings and I enjoy close, affectionate relationships with our children, for the most part.

How do I get my mother to acknowledge just how damaging her behaviour was, without it seeming like I am guilt-tripping her? She neglected me compared to younger half-siblings she had with a new partner. I’ve had twenty years of mental illness which I know was caused by mainly their, but also my biological father’s behaviour. We have had more contact lately, although I moved some distance away. She can be pleasant to be with, which keeps pulling me back, but my stepfather never contacts me and rarely visits with her. She too, limits her visits to once a month whereas she spends most of her time supporting a younger half-sibling with child-care.
I have talked to her before, but she seems to have all these defence mechanisms in place. When I tried to mention about me leaving home at 17 compared to my siblings staying till they were in their 30’s, she said ‘that could have been the making of you’. I was just speechless to this.
I feel I should have been over this by now – I am nearly 50, but the reality is my relationships with my parents deeply affected me.

Dear Lonely, please read the book and never give up hope. This book gives people like you and me hope, and when life is rough it’s all we have. I am suffering through a horrible mental illness right now and when I read this book so many things made sense. I will work through the worksheets when I am ready with my therapist. Making it easier to work on is working together. Please hold onto this book it gives guidance and hope. Good luck to you and all those struggling with CEN.

Hi Dr. Webb,
I accidentally (?) stumbled upon your concept of CEN on facebook, and was utterly astounded. Not only do I fit the worst type perfectly, but I know it’s too late for me to heal since I’m too old (50) and probably a total loss by now. My question is simple: is your book relevant for me as a single woman with no past or present relationships, no family and no friends to speak of? I mean – is it meant to be a guide only for fully functioning adults with families and careers, or can someone like me benefit from it as well. Thanks.

Love your book BUT What do I do now? Now that we’ve identified and analyzed so much about CEN – how do we correct our misplaced guilt and emotions? Seems like I need a “brain clean up.”

While reading “Running on Empty” here’s a question: Chapter 1 talks about 3 essential parenting skills (i.e. responding/paying attention to child’s needs). My family always told me I was SPOILING my son when I would bring him to our bed at night when he would cry constantly (infant years). Were they wrong?

My childhood emotional neglect and other forms of abuse(sexual, molestation, mental) has really made my life a living hell. I have so many of the “symptoms” listed. So much self blame and hatred. I have been married to a God sent man for 30 years. Because of my neglect that I could never understand, I was totally and completely abusive to this man. Belittling, disrespecting, just downright mean….and never understood why or how to stop! We did have lots of good times, don’t get me wrong, but I always went back into my shell and things would go wrong again. A couple of years ago he rekindled a friendship with an old childhood love. Needless to say she was there for him these last months every time I broke his heart. He planned a trip back to our home state just to see her in person. Of course they ended up having a very emotionally and physically satisfying weekend affair. He came home and told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. He was tired of “trying” to make things good for us. It took 3 days for me to figure out he had had an affair. By the grace of God I got him to stay in our home and we have really started working on all of the healing that we both have needed. I have been in therapy myself for 3 years. Was working on my “feeling” issues and getting better….for me…but not for the “US” part of my life. I take no responsibility for his bad judgement call of infidelity. I do understand how he got to that point though. She is out of the picture and WE are really opening up to each other. We havent’ totally done that in years. I knew I was emotionally neglected. We’ve talked about it in my sessions….but I don’t think until now that I ever realized just how much control that had on my life. I’ve ordered your book and intend to share it with my therapist and I go through it. Thanks.

Thank you for your blog, very useful to me and many.
My sister and I grew up in acute CEN. We were not raped, nor beaten-up and we were even were fed caviar occasionally, sounds very much like a little rich girls’ problem. We were moved around, displaced, manipulated. One day dad fetched us at school (I still wonder how he even found the name of the school. Although we were living under his roof he did not know our age nor which grade we were in), he took us to another country that day for 6 months, until mom terrified not knowing where we were signed the divorce papers –without children custody. We lived under the roof of 3 successive step moms. A bit chaotic one might say, but the caviar was good, rest assured. My sister took her life 7 years ago at the age of 45 after 27 attempts. The context is a bourgeois family with both parents (including throughout my sister –uh, difficult times) claiming that they always did “the best they could”.
Both my parents are demanding my love, affection and are craving my family’s company, particularly as the only surviving child I suppose. For many years I did see them regularly, hosted them for weeks, visited them. Always hated it but did it years after years. For one thing my children should not be deprived of their grand-parents because mom has issues with them (exactly what my parents did to us which I always resented) and grand-parents should not be deprived of their grand-children regardless of their poor parenting skills. At this point in my life however, simply put, I cannot stand their company. It makes me miserable, uncomfortable, bitter and I came to the conclusion that the less I see them, the better. I live in Asia where this is culturally unacceptable for the sake of Confucian filial piety. However I have discussed this with good friends: in modern society filial piety is problematic when parents failed their children. Respect is not due it is gained (in my selfish view).
In any event, I have taken my distance with mom and she is so miserable! I am revolted of her acceptance of an abusive husband (once again). She claimed to be so relieved when I sent my heart to her, arranged for a house above her head and the relief of any other material concerns, she said she was so much looking forward to her new life, her freedom and peace after 20 years of unhappy marriage. Then, she took it all back and claimed she could not live without a husband (socially unacceptable). Her decision was a shock to me and I came to realise that abuse is OK for her, no need to fight it, to defend herself. She is a victim, but does not defend herself, not recently, nor years ago against our dad, as a consequence she did not defend us. I am so mad.
I wonder if I should discuss my feelings about CEN with her, it would break her already broken heart, or not (as mentioned she has always claimed she did the best she could, maybe I a afraid she would say that again). Tough call…

I just finished reading your book, once I started, I couldn’t put it down – it’s the first time I’ve seen written or verbalized what I have felt or suspected my entire life…what a relief to know that a name can be put to this. My parents didn’t fall squarely into one of the categories in the book, but surely I know they fit the description…in their case, they were in an enmeshed relationship. Most of the time, there was only enough oxygen in the room for the two of them, none left over for me, my brother or sister. I think another name for this would be co-dependence? Talk about irony, when I read the description of the parents who saw their children as an extension of themselves, I was jealous! what we would have given for some of their undivided attention!…My guess is that I’ve paid and continue to pay a high price for these circumstances that at least now I am beginning to see, were largely beyond my control. I think I need to find someone to work with on resolution…do you train other professionals in this? thank you for reading/listening and your book – to say that it enlightened me is an understatement.

I just purchased your book. I struggled through depression and dysthemia since I was 16. I never dated in high school or college. I discovered when I was 35 that my father was a child molester who had been abusing my older sister since she was 8. This came out when he molested his granddaughter. I have been on antidepressants for 25 years. Both of my wife’s parents were alcoholics. I think that is why we understand each other so well. Now I know that our family’s “secret” was why I feel this way, and not genetics as I believed for decades.

Hi dr webb. I recently suffered a severe case of depression and anxiety, my therapist linked alot of my emotional pain to CEN. I was raised by absentee parents who were extremely critical and now trying to raise my own family I completely feel apart. What my greatest concern is not repeating their mistakes. I am seeing a therapist and read your book but I’m wondering what exercise would benefit me most at this time. Thank you.

Dear Dr. Webb
I was excited to learn about your work as I finally have good ‘words’ to express what I experience. I’ve relied on Roger’s (lack of) ‘unconditional positive regard’ as a way of explaining my feelings but your phraseology and explanation of the symptoms of CEN hits the nail on the head so much better!
In trying to understand myself better, I’ve applied your concepts to the educational institutions I went through as I believe there was a lot of EN going on there as well (and I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels this way.) It gets even more complicated when those institutions are religious as children are exposed to a whole new dimension of emotional support/neglect.
I’ve gained a lot from your work and I thank you wholeheartedly for it!

I’ve often felt awkward in my own skin – unable to feel at ease within myself. No matter where I am I can’t feel the joy in being. Being overly disciplined as a child I feel a heightened sense of self when shopping which makes me feel alive and energized – to later regret my lack of self discipline. I’m my own worst enemy.

Hi Jonice

Could you talk a little about the CEN/bipolar connection please? I have a diagnosis of bipolar, with depressive symptoms completely predominating and am not entirely convinced of its organic basis – I see it more as a constellation of symptoms and unhelpful adaptive behaviours as a result of childhood emotional neglect / trauma.

Thanks
Paul

Hi Jonice,

What a relief to come across your work! I just couldn’t understand the source of my depression and low self-esteem, when my root family wasn’t “all that bad”. But, I see myself and my childhood in the pages of your book, and with the relief of gaining knowledge and understanding, I’m excited to learn more, and get into action in creating for myself what was not provided for me as a child. My husband is in a similar boat, and is eager to learn how to self-regulate and implement self-discipline into his life.

We’ve worked with a great “attachment theory” based therapist in the past, however, we have since moved cities. I see in the comments above you directed another person inquiring about how to find a CEN therapist t to a blog post you’ve written on the topic. I didn’t see the blog post on Psych Central. Is there another place I should look?

Thanks so much for your response and for your life-changing work on Emotional Neglect.

Cher

Hi Dr Webb, I have been struggling with the results of chronic childhood abuse (physical, sexual and emotional) for the last 25 years. I got stuck in the mental ‘health’ system here in the UK which got me stuck in the ‘vivtim’ mode and as a rescuer of others as a way of avoiding my own needs. I have realised I still feel like a needy kid, waiting for others to provide for myself what my parents couldn’t. I have felt very insecure with the therapists I could afford privately, including the present one, who is sympathetic and supportive, bu seems to not understand how profoundly I was affected by my childhood experiences. I have read about others who have found social support in childhood at school or youth group or extended family. Isolation was the way my late Dad prevented that. My older brother was seen as rebellious for making friends and was out the house as soon as he could and is an alcoholic in a bad marriage and continues emotional abuse with me as a result. I have finally cut contact with my family now my mom is dead after I looked after her and her emotional/physical ill health for 18 years. I still get floored by every day problems and have never been able to cope with work for long. I have been mostly on sick benefit for the last 25 years. I have ditched the National Health Service as they have also neglected my treatment by using medication or CBT and never addressed the abuse. Please can you advise me on how to find a therapist that can help with this? Thankyou for your video that inspired me to reach out.

Hello, thank you so much for the fast reply . I really appreciated what you said. Thank you too for validating my strength. I will ask them if they want to read your book.
Kind Regards,
Patricia

Hello, I have rea question for you or maybe more than one. My daughter was psyically and verbally abused and emotionally, financially and many other ways been neglected by her Dad. We are divorced and they are not speaking at this time .She has BPD and is now 31 years old has self harmed by cutting seriously on her body. She lives with me and my son. Her life is not the life I imagined for her, she is intelligent and beautiful and deserves to be happy and be living a good life. she is obeses drinks too much and stays home all the time. dosent take care of her health, in ther words she hates herself. Her dad has never acknowledged any of the abuse and when she told him sometime ago that she had been raped twice, his reaction was to say NOTHING !!. He showed no empathy not even the simple words of “im sorry that happened to you or a hug nothing only silence. My son and I saw his non=reaction. He allowed his partner to verbally abuse my daughter when she lived with them for a short time and to this day when my daughter needed somewhere to stay( complicated story) took her to his sisters house instead of his own place because the partner said “shes not coming here”, my son heard her whilst he was on the phone to his dad asking him why she cant stay with him. He chooses his partner over his own daughter who has never done anything to him. he is never wrong and is a alcoholic selfish man who is very hard to communicate with.My daughter has had many years of theraphy and we found out a few months ago that she never talked about all of the above abuses her dad did to her during the years of therapy, so as you would see the healing has not happenend . What I want to ask advice on is , So my daughter can make a start to heal and hopefully want to make chnages in her life. Does she need to confront him and tell him everything he has caused her to suffer since the first time he hit her and called her ‘fat’?. He has taken her self esteem , her self worth everything for her to love herself away from her and it still continues now. Does she need to make a police report and have him charged for domestic violence and childhood abuse?. I know your not a lawyer, but we dont know where to start the process to help her resolve all this mess that is ruining her life.My son is affected too and we think because his dad never it him but did verbally abuse him and to this day dosent acknowledge him as an adult who is very capable and intelligent person. He has no respect for his dad and he thinks we should confront him about all that went of during their childhoods. .As a person myself who grew up emotionally neglected in a family of nine children back in the 50’s in an abusive home where incest occurred and domestic abuse.Put into a childrens home. I too have my own bpd traits and depression and anxiety. I recently had a breakdown where i wanted to end my life.Thankfully I have a new Doctor and therapist and I am on a new medication and working hard to get back to my old self. I am 63. The pain still continues in seeing my daughter suffering everyday. My becoming suicidal has of course also impacted my relationship with my daughter and my son.I see myself in her and i know the pain she feels. We talk about their childhood and I acknowledged my faults and mistakes with apologies to them both, We have family counselling to work through that. a work still in progress. This is a short version of our situation . I have read and re read you book on emotional neglect which opened my eyes so much to why I felt the way I have all of my life.

Any advice that you can offer would be appreciated.

Yours with great appreciation for writng such an incredible book on a subject that has been kept in the dark for far too long. Thank you.
Warm regards,
Pat

Patricia

never apologised or ever talked about any of these issues with her. She told last year that she

Hi, I read your list of areas people who were neglected as a child may have. I am ashamed to say I fit in each and every one. I have always known all the facts you listed and have struggled my entire life trying to let it go. I saw therapists for years, took their advise on ways to “get past” all the hurt and pain that it caused and still causes me today. I faced it, I talked about it, I confronted my parents(one denied everything) and nothing has helped. I still share every feeling of your list and I am now 52 years old. I have never been able to have a good relationship nor able to fully show the love I feel for my own child. I have expressed my painful past to hopefully make her understand, but I know that doesn’t help her. I can’t show love as I never felt it a day in my life except for the love I have for my child and my grandchild which I can’t even express or show. I am so empty inside except for this constant pain of the knowing my mother never wanted me and never once touched me, said she loved me or even acknowledged me. To this day, it is as painful as ever. How can I know all this but not be able to get past it? Family gatherings are complete torture for me. I always end up leaving in tears. I have a younger sibling that was never treated this way. She is their “princess” and I am the intruder. I can’t function normally. I can’t trust. I can’t show love. Everyday I feel anger, depression, and this horrible dark mean person inside me. I have no friends. I hate having to leave my house. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore. For some reason my granddaughter sees past it all and loves me anyway. I want to be able to have ONE day of no pain or sadness. I am so tired of crying and hating. I want to be happy for ONE day and most important, I want to show my granddaughter how much I love her not just say the words. She calls me MOM as I raised her by myself, but I feel like the worst mother ever and I don’t want her to feel the way I have all my life. I have tried everything doctors suggest. I take my meds as prescribed and keep hoping but so far, after 40 years of meds and therapy, I still feel the same. Can your book help that? Can it make me better for my granddaughter who is now 11 and growing up too fast? I will miss every good part of her life if I can’t get past this.

Dear Dr Webb,
I am a 50 year old mother of wonderful young adults, married to a wonderful, loving man. I am blessed with a loving family and a blessed life.
Your book has helped me to see that I have experienced CEN, having had a cold, very depressed, disinterested and resentful mother and a rigid, controlling father.
I am an introvert, a perfectionist, I am unusually private, and I have low self esteem and continual feelings of guilt and unworthiness.
I have struggled with an eating disorder all my life. It’s a daily, even hourly battle, much of it private and hidden ( although of course my low weight is obvious). I allow it to limit my life because food and exercise are time-sapping compulsions, as is incessant online reading of things I research for no reason.
I am desperate to live my life more fully and to contribute to the community. I feel so guilty about my self indulgence.
I am fortunate to have therapy, but nothing seems to help. My strange and secret behaviors and habits are so entrenched.
Could that be related to CEN?
Please could you explain whether there is a link between eating disorders and CEN? Perhaps there is an angle in that would be helpful.
Thankyou for your time and for the wonderful work that you do

I grew up in a house of silence. My dad used the silent treatment equally. After nearly 3 year in my own recovery, I can see that he was not able to handle his own emotions. So he would go silent. His body language spoke in rage and anger.

My dad would go silent for days or weeks. I grew up on a farm, so neighbors would stop in unannounced. It was like a light switch would turn on. My dad would be personable, polite. He’d chat. He would even speak to the family like he hadn’t been treating us to silence just before this neighbor had sat down for coffee and cookies. The neighbor would leave and the switch would move from speaking to silence.

His silence would just evaporate the way fog burns off as the sun rises. He’d never resolve why he had been silent. No one was singled out. It was like the light switch was turned to “speak” again.

There was no physical or sexual abuse. Just silence.

My mother is a steamroller. Her way or the highway. Authoritarian.

My parents seemed to fit together in an ugly dance. She’d steam roll. He’d retreat into silence. I never saw them fight or argue or resolve anything or kiss or hug or say “I love you” to each other or to us. There is nothing to resolve if two people don’t argue.

Three kids. None of us rebelled. We were good kids who succeeded at what we did. My sister is 9 years older. She was my dad’s favorite. Never said. I could feel it in my bones. I would have done anything to be her. She played clarinet and piano well. I played 3 well. I tried to be better than her so I could be loved and matter to my dad.

My mom. Mother. She was the one who’d let my dad’s moods roll off her back. she advised me at 7 or 8 to let his mood roll off my back. What 7 or 8 year old even understands what that means?

When I married an upgraded version of my family, my dad walked me down the aisle at the chapel. I fretted all the way down the aisle whether it would look weird if he and I shook hands before I went to stand at the altar with my fiancee. We never had hugged before then – my dad and I. We made an awkward A-frame hug. It was the last one I got.

I chased “I love you” from my dad. I never got it. Even the last time I saw him. It was 2 weeks before he died, April 12, 2009 (easter Sunday was when he died). He was on hospice – he suffered from COPD. I worked a trip in to visit that was in conjunction with a business trip to a nearby city. When they took me to the airport, my mother hugged for the first time ever – I was 44 years old. I went around to tell my dad I’d call when I got to the hotel. He said ‘call when you get there.’ Not even goodbye.

My brother, 2-1/2 years younger, was my mom’s favorite. Parents don’t realize that kids know who is favorited. I know my parents loved me. I don’t feel it. I don’t believe it. I felt like an obligation. An expectation of someone to provide for.

When I’d fly home from grad school to visit my family, they’d pick me up at the airport and wave “hello”. No hugs, kisses, and certainly no “I love you”. Everyone is warm in a “how’s the weather in the Midwest” kind of way. But not connecting. When they’d drop me off at the airport, my mother usually was the one who would take me to the airport since my dad had chores on the farm. She’d wave goodbye (no hugs, no “I love you”) and I’d head in to ticketing and bag drop off as she would leave. Practical.
I never knew it was “different” to not hear “I love you” or to not get hugs and kisses from parents or family. My parents apples didn’t fall far from the tree. My dad’s father died when I was 2 (he was in his 70s) and my dad’s mother died in a nursing home when I was 11, so I never knew them. My mom’s parents were divorced and neither was warm.

I was born on my parent’s 10th wedding anniversary. We didn’t have much money. Birthdays really weren’t much to celebrate. We did have a cake. It said “Happy Anniversary, Connie and Kathy” and “Happy Birthday, Sue” on top of it. I guess it should have felt special to share a cake. Sounds silly to say that I always wanted my very own birthday cake. Some other kid might have thought it was awesome.

My parents met my future husband 2 days before I married him. He and I didn’t date. Even if we had dated, I would have been yucked out taking him home to meet them. YUCK. My then future husband and I lived 1000 miles apart. We knew each other in high school briefly. I was in grad school. He was in the military. He was divorcing and reached out to talk. We started talking every day. Emails flowed like water. The internet was fledgling then. We IM’d. I visited 8 weeks after we started chatting heavily. We were engaged a month later after he pushed, prodded, begged me to marry him. I caved in and said yes despite wanting to date a couple of years before marrying. We married just a week after his divorce finalized – state of California has a 6 month waiting period once a dissolution of marriage request is on file (the terminology might not be right, but the gist is). His daughter, 7, would live with us. I was 30. I quit graduate school – 9 months shy of finishing a PhD in chemistry. He persisted that he wouldn’t allow me to go back to finish my experiments. He did it in a needy, “I’m an albatross of expectation” kind of way that was gross and sickening now as I write this. It was COMFORTABLE. It felt like HOME. *red flag* It was a sense of loss. I made a choice. I did it. I chose to leave grad school.

My husband told me a year after we married that since he had one kid already, he didn’t want anymore. But if I wanted a baby, he would gladly have a child with me. My sister didn’t have any kids. The people pleaser I am coupled with his wish for no children and my desire to emulate my sister (or be better than her) meant I went along with my husband’s desire of no children. He got a vasectomy. I got a tubal ligation at 33. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of children – my longest dating situation was 2-3 months before I married. He and I really never dated. We talked. I visited twice and we got married. In retrospect, it felt like he married me to be his “live in whore” and babysitter. My husband isn’t a bad man – not cruel or mean or physically or sexually abusive. He just wanted what he wanted. Me being a people pleaser, I made it happen. I chose to do what I did. It’s like he sensed he could get what he wanted from me.

My husband and I were married for 18 years. Our divorce finalized earlier this spring. I’m still recovering. My step-daughter and I had a strained relationship most of the time I was married to her dad. Ironically, after her dad and I separated, we’ve become close in ways I never could have expected. She’s a wonderful 26 year old. She’s been really supportive. More than I ever could have thought I deserved. I have to focus on connecting with her. I think about it – I should reach out to say hello. Or to call. Of course, I feel that way about almost anyone. I have to think about connecting. It’s easier for me to disconnect and be alone.

I’m successful in my work. Devoted people pleaser as an overused skill. I worked myself to a complete breakdown about 4 years ago at work. Ironically, my now ex-husband said his favorite time in our marriage was when I was in the throes of the complete breakdown. I hid it well. I never let him see my unhappiness as he would go into freak out mode and become an even more leaden weight about my neck – the albatross in the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner. He clung to me in fear that I’d leave him.
It took me another 14 months after my crash at work before I got into therapy. We use an eclectic approach with bits and pieces from DBT, ACT, IFS, skill building, Zen, etc. I learned absolutes from my parents. Rules rules rules. I can bend myself into a pretzel. I’d even tell people I’d like it whether I did or not.

I learned rules. I learned in childhood that if I wanted attention meant I strove for flawless perfection and execution. I am a devoted hobbyist outside of work. I am learning to paint. I’m creative. I knit, design knitwear, sew, quilt, cook, bake, make metal jewelry, write fiction, decorate cakes, landscape design, driving enthusiast, run, do yoga, walk, cycle. I’m not professional at any of these pursuits. I tend to be highly focused and gain a strong set of skills quickly.
I feel that I cannot be enough.

I’ve started dating again. I’ve met someone kind and decent. I find myself striving to show him I’m worthy. He has mentioned it in a caring way. I realize that I’m always hustling to be worthy, to be attractive, to be good enough.

I’ve read a lot of stuff. I crave emotional connection and I completely fear it. I’ve recently finished reading Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight and John Gottman’s What Makes Love Last. I’m learning to be real more often and to share my feelings, my real feelings and to not stuff the feelings I’ve got when they don’t match my boyfriend’s. It’s a damn struggle.

I have a few close friends and a lot of acquaintances. I’m an introvert (last Myers Briggs I took showed a preference for INFP).

I was dating someone who told me we were looking for different things when I told him I missed him when he had been traveling for a couple of weeks– I wanted emotional connection and he wanted a “friend with benefits”. I still like him. He floats back into my life here and there and I find myself wanting to please the old flame even though my new boyfriend is a better fit period.

My mother is a control freak. Us kids are EXPECTED to be home for Christmas, barring any exceptional issue. I decided that after my separation that I would stay home for Christmas. I avoided mentioning Christmas. My mother offered to buy my plane ticket for me and the dog to visit for Christmas. I make a fine wage and can afford my own damn ticket. I ignored her email. Ten days before Christmas, I got a note asking when the dog and I were flying in. I replied, politely, that I would be staying home as I wouldn’t schlep the dog through a couple of airports and my step-daughter was coming to my house for Christmas eve dinner. And I wasn’t going to drive the 13 hours (it IS 13 hours and 800 mile drive) by myself.
Five days before Christmas, my brother sends an email as I wake up that morning with impetigo and hand foot mouth disease. My mother was buying him a plane ticket to fly down to drive me home for Christmas – no shit. I’m 48 years old. I replied to the entire family (I had to add everyone) the reality. I told them I would not be steam rolled and that if my brother actually did fly into the airport near my home that he would need a ticket back because I was NOT coming there for Christmas. I told them all to leave me alone. I’ve never told them off before. EVER. It felt right then. It feels right now. I am an adult. It’s about time my mother realized it. She finally apologized this summer for going about it in the “wrong way”. I acknowledged it.

Friends I met at OnSite in summer 2013 have been surprised most by my progress. The four of them have all said that I made the most progress in our group of friends. It’s the first network of people I’ve shared the realness of my life – even the hidden things. I’ve spent a lifetime compartmentalizing and letting people in. Only my therapist has been to the catacombs. My OnSite friends have been in the basement. Even my friends who are “close” haven’t been that far.

My ex-husband was surprised to meet the real me during our marriage counseling sessions as the therapist worked with us to help us connect emotionally. My ex learned about my childhood and he was angry that I hadn’t shared. When you don’t know what you were missing, how can one share what one missed? It took me getting broken into a pile of rubble and discovering a lack of self-trust, continuous caving in to please everyone else before pleasing myself, etc to be able to get to a point of sharing it. I feel angry about it still sometimes.

It’s been a difficult as hell experience these last several years. I’m still grieving the death of my marriage as I rise like a phoenix from the ashes. I celebrate connecting to my step-daughter. I celebrate taking better care of myself and be aware enough to notice when things don’t feel right.

Despite my capabilities and successes, I feel empty and lost often. I’m in a better place than where I was. I’m awake. I’m living more of a life that suits me. I’m healthier than I was in many ways. I’m still unfolding and learning. I’ve got better skills today than I did have two years ago, or even six months ago.
I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I can be enough. I can cope better with it as I grow and give myself the things I need. I can be aware and be ok to know that the emotions pass through and the feelings that ride with will flow along with it. The weather changes.

All I have is this moment. Today has been a rough one. These happen less often than they did.

Hi Dr. Webb,
I stumbled across your blog on PsychCentral and now I have been reading through Running on Empty and it is honestly the first time I feel like I have found something that actually fits and explains what I have experienced both as a child and feelings/behaviors I now have as an adult. I have a therapist that I have been working with for about 3 years for issues related to depression/anxiety and I really like and respect her. My problem is that I’m struggling with how to bring up CEN with her. She focuses on much more day to day type things and doesn’t seem to really notice the family of origin stuff. I have previously been in therapy with a psychodynamically trained therapist and he was the first to open my eyes to some things that happened during childhood. Unfortunately during my therapy with him, I had to move out of state for employment reasons and haven’t had much luck finding a psychodynamically trained therapist here. The majority are CBT. So I am asking 1) How do I bring up CEN with my therapist and 2) Will a CBT therapist generally approach this area or do I need to find a therapist with a different type of background like systems or psychodynamic theory? Thank you.

Dr.,

Is CEN what killed Robin Williams or were there many, many different problems he committed suicide over.

Dr. Webb,

Is CEN at the core of mental issues like social anxiety, depression?

Dr. Webb,

I am unsure if what happened to me in my childhood constitutes as neglect. I have put in a lot of effort into understanding and coping with my childhood but I am at an impasse because I am not certain what to call what happened to me and my siblings. My biological mother and father did not want to raise me or my siblings, so they gave up their rights and sent us to live with our grandparents. While we lived with them, they often made us eat expired food and wouldn’t let us come in the house on hot, summer days. On weekends we worked for hours on end either taking care of the garden or detailing the house from early in the mornings until the evening. Also, we were only allowed to shower once a week. They often assumed that we should just “know” how we were supposed to behave without any real guidance. When they were displeased with us, they would often speak about our shortcomings to each other very loudly, but never to our faces directly. It always seemed to be a huge guessing game, wondering what would set them off. At one point, my grandfather left me and my sister at church because we took too long to get to the car. It was January and very cold, and the building was locked. No one called them and he didn’t come back for us until evening service. They never helped with homework, hugged us, or told us they loved us. They never threw us birthdays and rarely gave us Christmas presents. One Christmas everyone got a present besides my brother until our houseguest at the time convinced my grandpa to buy him one. They would often run us down to other members of our church while we were standing right there and would be angry with us for being ill. These events happened between the ages of 7 up until about 12. They were in their 70s’s at the time, so even to this day as an adult, I don’t know if this was neglect or just the way they behaved because they came from a different time with different practices for raising children. Is what my siblings and I experienced considered neglect and/or abuse?

Thank you for your time.

Hi Dr. Webb,

I’m so grateful for your recognition of this invisible but problematic psychological condition and for all the professional advices you’ve given in your web posts. I’ve slowly recognized this problem in myself. I’ve always struggled to live in the present and therefore have trouble remembering a lot of things I’ve done or said just recently, mostly because of my childhood experiences with an emotionally neglectful and verbally abusive mother who had beat me into repressing my emotions so much (I honestly can only recall painful memories from my childhood and feeling isolated/”independent” a lot). A continuing problem I have is that I think and overanalyze a lot before I feel, and I haven’t seen you addressing this much. And because of this I have brought a lot of stress on my partner who doesn’t know I have CEN but do think that I tend to “overthink” my emotions. I panic easily when I “think” my partner gives me what I perceive as some form of rejection, so much so that it distresses me and affects my normal functioning. Sometimes I just feel like I’m living on the edge clinging onto my partner who can act as my primary care giver (emotionally) and I care more about how my partner thinks and feels about me rather than my own emotions. Is this something you see in your CEN patients? I feel as though no one shares the same problem as I do. And how do you think I can get rid of this problem I have?

Thank you very much for your help.

Hello Dr. Webb,

My husband and I have been married for seven years, and the road has been a very long, winding, bumpy one. We’re struggling, and based on new information I’ve learned from his past, I believe he’s been suffering from CEN. I want to help him, but I don’t know where to start. How do I bring it up in conversation and get him the help that he needs?

Hi I found your book and am thankful to put a name to what happened to me. But now I have realized that not only did this happen to me during childhood, but most all of my adult life as well (I am 46) as I have probably unconsciously sought out relationships that are similar to try and “correct” what has happened to me. I married (and divorced) two men who were just as emotionally neglectful and abusive as my parents. I have also had a number of close friendships (that are no longer) where this happened as well. Unfortunately I still have contact with my parents and they are still the same sociopathic, narcissistic, authoritarian people and still say and do the same things, even now, even though I have confronted them and asked them to stop. I am having a hard time recovering when I feel like there are people around me that continue this cycle. Do you have any advice for me?

I honestly don’t know where to start with what is going on in my life. It’s almost like I’m running on auto pilot ever day for the past couple years, everything is a giant blur that mashes together. My parents gave me everything I wanted when I was a child, yet for some reason I want nothing to do with them. Every time I’m out in public I try so hard to be invisible, yet I want to be noticed? I have no idea what’s wrong with me….I always feel like I’m a liability to others rather than a person who is equal. It’s gotten so bad that I don’t even remember what happiness or love feels like. My mind races with suicidal thoughts I feel people would be relieved rather then sad I’m gone. I can’t afford the help I feel I need and I’m afraid to ask people for help….

Hi Jonice

I am an adult child of a cold unemotional controlling mother and I’ve found your book and some others that explain the harm that can do. In my case I survived by being passive and hiding my feelings but now I am struggling through the feelings neglect caused. I have also found books by recovered people.

what I have found lacking is books or articles on the process of revealing my feelings, the associated pain and some kind of plan to work through the feelings that would help DURING the healing process. Yes, I see a therapist but knowing the common steps of healing would be very encouraging and provide both patience and hope.

Hi Dr Webb,

I find the concept of CEN interesting. I have done a lot of reading on chronic pain and there is a clear link between childhood sexual/emotional/physical abuse and developing chronic pain syndromes later in life(fibromylagia etc)

Has there been any linkage from your perspective with CEN and Chronic pain? I realise this is an embryonic concept and CEN seems to be a hidden, almost invisible ailment. My thinking centres around the powerful effect on brain development that can occur in abandoned children and how that prepares the CNS for chronic pain later on. I recommend you investigate Dr John Sarnos theory on chronic pain, it has helped me immensely. Essentially he views chronic pain as non structural and generated within the subconscious. The brain deprives certain tissues of oxygen in order to distract from emotions that it deems are too powerful or damaging to bring into the conscious mind. It is a radical concept that I had extreme difficulty accepting but it seems to have merit based on personal experience and those of others.

Senator Tom Harkin brought Dr Sarno before the Senate based on his own experience and a niece who cured herself of Fibromylagia by reading his book. amazing stuff

How do I process the anger/hurt that I am now truly feeling for the first time?