Childhood Emotional Neglect Discussion Page
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I’m sorry that I can’t answer individual questions on this page. But I have found that CEN people benefit greatly from sharing their CEN experiences, goals and challenges with each other. I hope you will participate in the general discussion, which is filled with insightful, thoughtful comments and responses.
Having read Dr. Webb’s books, listened to her videos, and read comments for some time now, I had been working on/with my stoic, emotionally suppressed mother, in order to at least assist her relief from generational CEN.
It was clearly a severe problem on both parents’ families. Only one grandmother sought for years to heal its occurrence, and due to memory, instead being attacked.
You see, our common first response is to EXTERIORIZE the blame we want to attribute, rather than gain the humility to accept responsibility, and heal.
My mother continued to slip into this false blame of other elders, though her own parents were really cruelly neglectful – I witnessed it since first development by age four or so.
I write this as cautionary to those who too easily want to use blame, and center it upon parents. If THEY do or did it, there was reason, and thatreason is that it was familyculture, done to them, and also occurs through early loss of a parent.
My mother attempted escape thropugh marriage at age 16. She chose profoundly poorly at that age (Humans, exactly as other mammals reach sexual maturity long before actual cognitive maturity. This occurs in what we call facultative manner – a response inbuilt by evolution to increase likelihood of survival, when warsand other lethal illness and injury remove primary role models.
Unfortunately for my siblingsd, who hold vast misattribution of blame (WHO would blame young children for cognitive and emotional lacunae occurring as result of parental and familial loss?
Too many do so. One’s parents were children (even at age 10, friends would knock, asking her if her brothers were home. We, of course, were her children), many of whom due to constraints,did not develop into full loving, confident, courageous, caring adults.
In any case she died this spring, and my own brother and sister remain resentful,, uncommunicative, and, even though one is a medcal professional of long standing (unfortunately in an overworked huge city medical industry), demeaning of psychology other than the psychiatric drug palliative of this latter 1/2 century.
Theyretain their resentment at such a level, that they cannot even consider doing the emotional work. Unfortunately, my resentful mother had chosen benighted religion, and an attitude of good vs. evil, instead of the requisite kindness, forgiveness, recognition that we are allvulnerable, feelhurt, and the only way out is to BE kind, attentive, loving, as one is most easily toward their offspring.
The caution: to imagine that others do not need what we feel as deepest lack, can prevent, up to our whole lifespan, healing.
My parents and grandparents were also children, most knowing little or nothing more than we when emotionally neglected. They, along with my siblings, hold fast to the cold, seeming-safety of withholding love and closeness.
They CHOOSE to be unreachable.
My mother had made considerable progress, but was unable to transfer it before she died, still unable to directly speak to the parental necessity of teaching forgiveness, love, the courage of caring. Some religions, perhaps ALL, arrogate love to imaginary sources and nonliving ikons, denying it to the living all around.
Consider this well, and please instead gather what courage yu can to NOT abdicate. Only YOU can change; and in doing so perhaps become able to feel through giving, the emotional richness of life.