Childhood Emotional Neglect Discussion Page

Turtle - April 1, 2025 Reply

I was raised in a non emotional home. In looking back I feel that my mother was raised to be loving and caring but being married to my dad took everything she had to just keep going.
I can say that, because my marriage was pretty much the same, just different problems. My dad was narcissistic and since he was career military, they moved often and she was seldom around family support. My dad’s alcoholism became full blown when I was a toddler (I was the youngest of four children). That’s when my anxiety and teeth grinding started. My 3 older siblings seemed to think they had to tell me what to do and how terrible I was. Constant criticism and put-downs continued. That went on for years, we all knew emotions were a no-no. Then when I was 14 my mom lost both her parents in one month. And less than one month later my dad shot and killed my mom. I had no idea how to feel or cry, much less grieve. My family, siblings were no help, at a loss themselves. Saddest thing besides losing my mom is that, here I am 68 years old and my siblings will still not talk about our mother as a person, talk about memories or anything still and I so wanted to hear what they remembered about her.
I married at 18 to a man who turned out to be very narcissistic himself. So sweet and good until after the wedding. Then I didn’t exist except when he wanted something. Then he laid down the rules and I spent 35 years being emotionally, verbally, & psychologically abused.
We had 2 children, much to his hatred. The first was an “oops”. I learned from his mouth that he decided at that first pregnancy, he was going to make the rest of my life miserable. Didn’t know that till much later so lots of what he did I figured was just him being him.
Holding in the anger and pain from the losses at 14 plus all the unspoken feelings from growing up caused me to start having physical problems. One was TMJ from all the years of grinding. The pain was hell when I talked or chewed for well over a year and that included surgery on both sides. My back went when my youngest was 2. It all lead to major depression episodes where I was very suicidal and tried multiple times. My husband was no support to me or the children.
Finally I had ECT treatment and a month of a program, not just in the hospital. I was great for years. Till after the children were both grown and married. Then another bad episode and ECT plus a new med that was great. Then he started more threatening and became more dangerous. He had always had a temper but it often turned to blind rage. But it worsened. I had to get out. Turns out he had been telling lies about me for several years about how terrible I treated him, etc. When I filed for divorce, all the friends, acquaintances, my family even turned their back on me. Well I got the divorce and tried to be around those people I had known for 25-30 years. Nope. Turned their back, walked away, gossiped all of it. It went on and on. My youngest daughter decided I was so terrible that she said I was no longer allowed around my grandchild who I had developed such a bond. My daughter now has 3 children but it’s never been the same. Not even FaceTime and they live here in town. I have another grandchild with my other child. He’s wonderful. Well all 4 are but not seeing them has torn me apart. I can do nothing until or unless she gets her mind straight. She won’t talk.
I’m learning to feel my emotions and let them out w/o going unhinged with anger. I cry a lot, usually at home or at therapy. I’m also learning to be “mindful” bring my thoughts back to now and try to live in the now. I still carry the thoughts of I’m not good enough or I’m worthless. In therapy I’m learning to stop and change it to I’m thinking …..Or that’s not true it’s just a thought I am having. Or I’ll say to my dog Oh I’m just crazy today, then laugh because I know I’m not and I’m being silly.
Thank you for letting me share. Sometimes even now I wonder if life is still worth living but I just keep going on, one foot at a time, usually just tiny baby steps. And I remember the reasons I wrote down as my reason to stay. But most of all, I know the Lord is always with me and I wonder what’s up ahead in life. I am loved, worthy, and here for a reason as all of us are no matter how we feel!