Childhood Emotional Neglect Discussion Page

Dr. Webb, I found out about CEN the hard way – lots of vertical thinking and research. 3 yrs after my divorce (20+ yrs married), I had one relationship (1 yr), where I was discarded abruptly. Months later, attempts to move forward and date, led to more unexpected fact-based rejection (e.g. ageism, etc.). The compounding of rejections, put me in a tail spin. I saw a few therapists and felt even more misunderstood so I did what I do too well – research. Since I was the common denominator in these relationships, I looked for my flaws – all to well. I did more damage as I rejected/abandoned me. Then, I found Bowlby and Attachment theory, Carne’s BETRAYAL BONDS, and Brown’s WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS. Brown’s description of “super traits” hit a nerve. She was describing me. Next, Why did I have super traits? That led me back “home” to your book. It gives me a peace of understanding I needed. I know I have the root cause now. I am aware that I may react because of early imprinting and experiences … but when it does not serve my benefit, I need to adjust. Knowledge IS power. The biggest problem is “rejection” (being dismissed, or abandoned). Rather than get angry, I get hurt and withdraw. It adds another nail to a damaged soul and has increased in intensity the last few years – with increased rejection experiences. I assume knowing my sensitivity to “rejection” will help me desensitize eventually, but I just had another situation yesterday where my input at a “safe” discussion was “dismissed”. I had great difficulty shaking it off without spending hours of pain and sadness, and feeling worthless. I got up this morning, telling my self to consider the source and not everyone is going to agree with me. All healthy approaches – but, not until after a day and night of tears and self-abandonment. Do you have any tips for handling my over sensitivity to rejection. (Yes, it is from my childhood and life of being “different”… too long to enumerate.) Thank you.

Dr. Webb, at 58 years old, I don’t know if I have the energy to try to figure myself out once again but your writing on CEN has really hit home. I just ordered “Running on Empty” and look forward to further understanding the impact of my childhood. My mother repeatedly told us that children are to be seen and not heard, and yours is not to reason why, yours is but to do or die. Her many actions taught me that I had no value and nothing I said could ever be considered important. I grew up shy, silent, and depressed. I finally gave up attempting to have a successful romantic relationship 20 years ago. However, I am blessed with a wonderful, kind daughter who loves and respects me. Despite my shortcomings as a parent, my daughter always knew growing up that she was loved, valued, supported, and we “interacted” (which was something foreign to my parents). I didn’t repeat my own childhood experience with my daughter so I guess I did good. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and understanding.

Dear Dr. Webb, After reading through your site I see that I fit almost all of the criteria for CEN. I already knew that however. I have always felt as though I raised myself. My Mother was very emotionally unavailable and I cannot remember any affection or validation from her. She was also extremely critical, somewhat volatile and mean. By the time I was 10 or 11, I was a latch key kid, cooking most of my own meals and could go days without any parental interaction at all. Dad was more emotionally available but very unpredictable and volatile. He is an alcoholic. I was never physically abused but did suffer occasional emotional abuse. This family structure had a huge effect on my life. When I left home at 18 I had a huge PTSD-type reaction and was basically non-functional for 6 months (0.9 GPA that fall). I saw a therapist who never understood that reaction at all. He called it a grief reaction but couldn’t figure out why I had it. In any case, I straightened myself out and eventually worked my way through school. From a career and life standpoint I have been very successful. I have two wonderful daughters (15 and 19) with whom I am very close. That was managed by me reading every parenting book I could find. It hasn’t been perfect but life is really good.

So here is the issue… The older I get (I’m 44), the more I am withdrawing from people and from life. I used to maintain a few strong friendships but now just have a few acquaintances. I don’t want to travel anywhere anymore. I hate talking on the phone. I’m definitely one of the invisible types, sometimes as bad as your poster above. I don’t feel sad, but always very heavy. I feel that if I continue like this I might just fade away one day. It has gotten worse over the last year after some prolonged issues with my Dad, who thankfully has recently moved to another city. I live in the middle of nowhere (now I see that this move was part of the withdrawal) so there isn’t any therapy available out here. Do you think that I can work through this to some degree on my own? What suggestions might you have for someone like me?

Hi Dr. Webb,

My name is Devi, I am 28 years old from Indonesia, and I came across your book a few months ago, which… just like most people here, put a name to what I feel and have had to deal with for as long as I could remember.

This “not belonging” feeling really started to bother me because I knew I’m “not supposed to be like this”, so I made a resolution to start to dig into myself and learn to love myself and let myself be loved in 2013, and I actually didn’t know that it would be painful, but I learned so much that year that I had to continue the resolution. I am currently working on digging deeper into my likes, dislikes and finding out my passion, and working on pursuing that passion, because all this time I knew I had many interests and I knew I was… AM… capable of being really good at them, but somehow I’m NOT pursuing those interests… and your book confirms my path!

I was brought up in a somewhat traditional Chinese culture where the father only cares for work and the mother is supposed to take care of the household and the kids. After reading your book and observing the behaviors of childbearing in my city (as far as I can observe, which is just within my social circle and possibly a little bit more), it’s true… CEN passes down undetected, and people don’t seem to realize this because it’s “how parenting has always been for them”… I wonder how much potential in each kid goes undetected and eventually unused if the parents don’t notice them, or deliberately shuts them down just because it’s “different” from other kids (The Chinese have this culture of “The nail that stands out gets hammered down”).

But it’s not all dark and dim… I also see that parenting classes and seminars are starting to get a lot more attention here and I’m really thankful for that. I don’t think these classes talk about CEN yet, though.

As someone who realizes firsthand the effect of CEN, I hope you continue your research and continue making impact!

I wish this book gets translated to Indonesian soon so people here can start being aware!!!

I have been very fortunate to finally find this page and Dr. Webb’s book, for I have been searching for a long time but nothing ever covers only emotional neglect. I am 17 and have been suffering from emotional neglect for most of my life since I was 5. Although I have been living with this for years my biggest problem right now is trying to be heard. I don’t know how to talk about what has/is happened/ing to me but I want to tell someone really bad. Simply writing this comment is hard because I don’t know how to word it but hopefully I will be able to overcome this problem one day and set my experiences free. I can’t wait to read your book.

Dr Webb, when I finally found your book it was like finding the first light bulb in all of the world. It was exciting to understand what was going on with my life, why I was such a controlling person, and day to day I could react differently to situations with an understanding such as, “Oh, I’m trying to prevent my daughter from going out with her friends because I really feel no control –I need to moderate that better –she’s probably going to be ok.”

But now a year later I’m frustrated because it’s not as clear as when I first read the book. I read the book again but I don’t feel that helped. Other than your chapter on how to proceed –is there other works, books, or seminars you might suggest that can help me anchor some of these self nurturing techniques?

I am so despairing and angry that I have to do all this hard work, and learn to be content to love myself as I have great difficulty attaching and trusting anyone. Every time I try to take the risk of trusting (even my Psychologist) they trigger past abuse or emotional neglect. Being told that I am limited in what other people can give, the crumbs from the table etc is just not goof enough for me. I feel that I am unloveable and these limitations simply confirm or validate that no-one really wants to be around me or put me first (even for a while). What is on offer from the world is so poor that I can see no reason to fight to become what other people want me to be (namely invisible, submissive, quiet, and stop annoying them with my needs/wishes etc). The limitation of the Therapeutic Hour also confirms that I must settle for what others are willing to give, not get what I need. Hence I feel I am being told to lis to m needs/feelings and then go back to ignoring them again (unless I can learn to meet them myself). If I can meet them myself, why would I want to go through the pain of trying to trust or relate to others. How do we find the motivation to fight for something we may never get? Everything seems to be about getting us to go away and shut up – there is no love, no holding or touch, no sacrifice – nothing worth fighting for.

My childhood neglect came from my grandparents. By the time I could realize the people around me my father was gone. My mother at the age of 5 tried to explain to me she was leaving us and I didn’t understand. I remember the day in court when the judge asked my mother if she was willing to give custody of my sister, brother and I to our grandmother and she said yes. After that we grew up in a household that didn’t encourage, support or nurture us. As a result, my sister is an alcoholic, my brother a pathological liar and myself @ 57 I am finally finished with substance abuse. I’ve known for a long time how important those first 5 years are and what a waste of a life if they aren’t nurtured properly. It’s a long road to recovery and I honestly don’t know if I’ll make it.

Dr. Webb, first I want to thank you for bringing this all important issue. I hope your book (which I plan on purchasing) brings greater light to this insidious problem and gets this issue out into the collective conversation. I have been working on myself for 27 year and also others (mainly adolescents) professionally for over 20 years now (i.e. various addictions, family of origin, trauma/abuse, covert incest, etc. etc.) I ‘m currently getting my certification to be a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist through the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). I say all this because in this particular training, along with involved for 2 years now with a therapist specifically trained in Somatic Experience Practitioner attachment issues, I have been I have been rocketed into a new dimension of well-being. I see/perceive there is many similarities between “attachment wounding” and “ECN”, and perhaps a few differences. I apologize for the many questions here, but the topic intrigues me. My questions are the following: 1) How do you differentiate ECN from an “attachment wound?”, 2) would you classify ECN at a trauma and if so where would it be on the trauma spectrum?, 3) What differentiates ECN from abuse and/or a trauma? 4) Would you classify “emotional” or “covert” incest as an ECN or on the trauma spectrum? 5) Is the facilitation of healing ECN similar to healing attachment wounding? If yes, how? If not, how? Sorry for so many questions, but I believe ECN is a fascinating topic and long overdue to be talked about.
Thanks,
Eric Belsterling, LPC, LCAS, CSAT-Candidate
Heart and Soul Recovery

dr. webb, your interviews and book have been such a profound revelation to me, that i am dying to start a group that is free to share any and all similar feelings, thoughts, experiences and whatever comes up from the realization of growing up, and being in the “fog” of CEN. if you would care to share any suggestions as to how i might proceed. i am not a professional, however i have years of experience in leading and sharing in groups (started by experienced facilitators) that meet weekly up to 18 months in succession. i’ve found these groups extremely helpful, and i’m convinced that a CEN group would be even more effectve in providing people a safe and welcoming medium, or long lost home to learn about ourselves and grow into healthy living and loving individuals together. no pressure, dr. weeb. also, are you familiar with the complaint free world.org purple bracelets? thank you a million times over for your extraordinary work, g(i like to be)frank

Hi, Dr. Webb,

I have read The Highly Sensitive Person, answered true to 15 of the statements, which has confirmed what I know about myself that I am a HSP. I have also answered your questions – with a high percentage score which confirms that I have also suffered from CEN. I have also read the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. My confusion comes in knowing how, or if, there is a difference between the three? HSP is a personality trait, not a mental illness, however, the emotional reactions seem to be the same as someone diagnosed with BPD. Are you able to clarify for me the difference, if any? Being HS I do feel things deeply, it does take me longer to recover from something that is upsetting to me.
Maybe I should stop trying to figure myself out – it seems to be adding to my grief. 🙂
THank you!

“What happens when two people with CEN form a relationship or marry? I can tell you that it makes for some very interesting challenges. Check back to see a future blog on this topic.”

Sooner rather than later, please 🙂

My partner of 23 years is in the process of dumping me. Your book was a real revelation to me; I now realize why I could never talk to him about our increasing distance, which, it turns out, was caused by his regret about our decision to have a child, thereby making our relationship “not simple” and not fun any more. He denied that regret for years. When he finally admitted it recently, I felt as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I think because it was no longer a mystery.

I’m very afraid that he is so protected from his own emotions that he will be completely unwilling to examine his own depths. He has agreed to go to a counseling session with me, but I’m sure it’s only to convince the counselor to convince me to turn him loose emotionally.

I’m going to introduce him to a couple of your blog posts and your book, which I have already read. Everybody keeps telling me to take care of myself and to not worry about him. I know that’s sound advice, but I have to at least try, don’t I?

Is there any correlation between CEN and the “emotionally unavailable man”? It seems a lot of women have issues with men who are emotionally distant.

In your book, you mention a chart for people with poor self-discipline. I think this would be helpful and I am planning to try it.

One organizational question, though: Should I plan ahead of time what I am going to insist I do/not do each day or chart things after I have done them or resisted them? It seems like doing it ahead makes sense when it is something I should do, like exercise, but doing it after makes sense when it is avoiding something, like that extra piece of cake, since I won’t know ahead of time what will be an issue.

Thanks!

Dear Dr. Webb,
As a continuation of the last very long letter, I guess I just wanted to say that I know my story isn’t that bad–I’ve never been hit (except when being spanked when I was little, but most people get that at some point or another) and even though I don’t believe them, my parents have said they love me an they’re proud of me.
Right now, I don’t have words to describe what I’m feeling…I don’t even feel real…but at the same time, there’s this deep, suffocating pain in my heart that won’t leave me alone. I just feel so….trapped and hopeless. I’m supposed to start seeing a different counselor on Monday, but I’m not sure it’s worth it. I’ve been to so many different counselors over the years….I’m not sure this one will help or not. I’ve seen her before too, so I’m not sure she’ll be open to starting as if she never met me before, or if she’s set in the way she sees me….there’s only one way to find out but I’m not sure I want to.
I guess what I’m trying to work up the courage to say is that I’m scared you won’t believe me either when I say that I’m afraid of my parents. I’m afraid that you will confirm what others have been telling me….that the problem in my relationship with my parents rests squarely on my shoulders….that I’m the problem.
I’m sorry….if that is what is really going on, if I am the problem or just thinking up a problem that isn’t there, please tell me.
I’m sorry, I guess I’m not sure what to say….or what I’m saying.

I have just read Running on Empty and found it to be very helpful after realizing that CEN has been the cause of my emotional distress my whole life. What I have not seen addressed, though, is how someone with CEN is supposed to continue to interact with the parents that did not give the emotional support that was needed and never will be able to give it. I have distanced myself from them as this is the only way I know to keep from continuously being hurt and disappointed. Could you address this please?

Hi, thanks for being you. You’re totally right. I was in a “relationship” with a narcissist sociopath. I’m pretty sure he has severe Cen. Even showing all the signs, he has no interest in figuring it out, dealing with it, he thinks feelings are for wimps. Never has known unconditional love so you know he absolutely despises me because I actually love him. Anyways I was just wondering if you had any thoughts on what to do to make someone see the effects of their childhood and see that it is important to deal with them? I guess that’s like asking why can’t I change someone huh? He’s also uneducated and thinks he knows it all and completely doesnt. I’ve never been able to understand how come he doesn’t jump at the mention of psychology and see what recognizing his cen could bring to him? He’s totally disconnected and doesn’t even like to touch or kiss. He’s actually quite disturbed yet doesn’t see any problem in it himself? Why? How? What? Who wouldn’t find any psychology topics at least a tad bit interesting. I mean jeez it’s about yourself and why? Any input would help.

Hi Dr. Webb — thank you for being a champion of such an important issue. I’m 49, divorced with four kids, remarried. Late last year I finally figured out that I’d been neglected as a child, not what one might call a severe case, but bad enough. I found your book and the light went on. Since then I’ve been doing the exercises in the book and had what I would call an emotional awakening — its like having a new sense organ. Amazing, exciting, weird. And feelings of vagueness and emptiness and not knowing what I’m feeling are melting away.

A few days ago my second wife told me she was pregnant. This is not a surprise, we were trying. What is a surprise is my reaction: deep, painful anger. Basically I feel deeply betrayed, mostly by myself. If I had been able to be in touch with my feelings in the past like I am now, I don’t think I would have married this woman, and definitely wouldn’t have had another child. With four kids from my first wife I feel really done with raising kids, and I was looking forward to maturity relatively free from that obligation.

There’s nothing wrong with my wife, she is an amazing, loving woman who adores me and is capable of having difficult conversations. So I feel like total a**hole for being angry, but I’m so angry I can hardly look at her or talk to her. Some of my anger is directed at her, for failing to “get me”, my reluctance to have kids. I know now that is a typical CEN pattern.

How do I work through this anger, face my situation as it is, and reach peace? I feel like if my emotions had come online just a few months earlier I would have been able to know what I’m feeling, trust my feelings, and act accordingly, but now I feel so unbelievably trapped and angry. So far, I have shared my feelings with my wife — she’s willing to help me work through this. But this anger is so strong and persistent for days, I don’t think I can work through it on my own.

I welcome your comments and wisdom.

I took your survey and answered yes to all but one of the questions. Would this possibly indicate I experienced emotional abuse as well as neglect?

Hello Dr and readers. I am middle aged and have struggled for a long time with my ill feelings towards my mother because of physical beatings and emotional neglect. I have never once heard the words from her: I am proud of you, I love you. She has never hugged me. Now that she is old and needs me after my father has had several strokes, all I feel is revulsion and I really don’t care about her hardships. All I remember from my childhood is my parents constantly fighting, my mother taking her temper out on me by doing things like flinging my favourite doll against the wall and breaking it all because my room was untidy. My husband is the only other person who knows about this and even though he is very supportive, it is so far out of his life experiences that sometimes I think he even wonders how much of it is true, as my mother has ‘mellowed’ now that she is older and he says she is trying to mend our relationship. I just cannot bring myself to say I love her, the one thing she has tried so hard to coax from me. She constantly makes demands on me, has always overshadowed and dominated me as she has my father. He does not even know how to use an ATM because she does not want him to ‘handle the money.’ She chose my job for me and my first husband, with whom I was very unhappily married and he later passed away. My only saving grace is the love of my husband. My love and heart goes out to all here who never knew the warmth of a parent’s love. I have tried in my way to not ever be like my mother, but in the process I have been too lenient and my child is badly behaved because of the ill discipline over the years, as I will do anything to avoid conflict. My husband is helping me with this, he has raised two wonderful daughters and my son tends to respect and listen to him, because he perseveres with him.

I answered yes to 21 questions on the checklist. I feel like I can never escape the consequences of the emotional neglect I experienced, they always come back to bite me. Life has been so hard and such a struggle and I am so tired and lonely. It is exhausting keeping up the façade of being normal.

Hi Dr Webb,

This site has helped me so much, you have helped me to understand myself.

I’ve ever written on a forum! But this one seems so useful reading everyone else’s post, that I felt confident enough to share my experience. I feel bad for bombarding my friend with all these repressed memories, she’s a beautiful person, but she didn’t experience this kind of treatment so finds it hard to relate, I was really hoping to speak to someone who has been through it.

Please feel free to give me your feedback.

I have only very recently realised exactly what my mother is, for years I was told I was miserable, ungrateful, hormonal or just plain scary.

Aged 5 my parent split up, I don’t have an actual memory of the event happening, just events that followed. My mum was brought up by a very strict Jamaican household. I believe this played a role in her treatment of me, the theory that children should be seen and not heard and don’t have the right to an opinion etc

My mother quickly got another partner. In fact I have since been told that she actually got with the guy behind my fathers back, and that’s why they split.

She has a very loud overbearing personality, high achiever, domineering, bully, which was all dressed up as “love”

Aged 5-6 my mother had been discussing my uncle and his wife to someone on the phone, saying they won’t last, she doesn’t like her etc… Several weeks later my uncles wife baby sat for me, me being so young, let it slip what had been said, which caused huge arguments with her and my uncle/wife. I remember being absolutely terrified, as she told me ” while your at school, you better remember everything you said, if you forget one thing, I’m going to beat you so hard”

I couldn’t remember everything (largely down to being a scared child) I was beaten, badly, for something that wasn’t my fault.

At aged six she became pregnant with my brother, I was forced to get rid of my childhood cat as his dad had a “dream” the cat was going to sit on my baby brother out of jealousy.

The cats went to my grandads.. Still got to see it sometimes

After my brother was born I was just a live in slave. Aged 7 I remember him being a few weeks old, snow was thick outside. Mom decided to walk with his dad over to his house, and leave me to look after my baby brother!! What kind of mother does these things?

We would get invited over to his families house for dinner, I couldn’t just enjoy a day off! Oh no, I had her elbow digging into my side telling me to “go and ask if they need any help”
They always declined my help, told me to sit down and added “poor child”

Added to this I had a very unreliable father, one that promised the world and delivered nothing. He often had massive arguments with her over her treatment of me, saying I looked unkept and my hair was never even done… Yet on the rare times he didn’t actually come and saw me, he always sent me back.

To a place of unhappiness and fear, she wasn’t bad 100% of the time, maybe 80%

She’s a twin, the dominant one obviously, my uncle is worn down, he isn’t strong enough to overpower her, even though I KNOW he believes my treatment was wrong. Honestly, reading into this issue, it just makes me never want to lay eyes on her again.

She’s played a blinder though!!! Has my nan totally fooled, she thinks I’m a liar. That my mum loves me and whatever she did I should just forget about it. Which I actually believed for a while.

Recently, my mothers next door neighbour died, she helped me many times, I was out doing the back garden with a strimmer aged 10!! She used to ask me if I was ok, and say it wasn’t right that a man was living in the house (sat inside actually) while I struggled to cut the grass. She even said something to her about it, mums response was to laugh and say ” oh she’s alright Joyce, she enjoys it” so degrading, even worst I was then told off for speaking to her
And was warned against it as I was “causing problems with people” does anyone else think this is grooming? Classic child abusers trait.

Step father never lifted a finger, just created more mess for me to clean. We lived in a dirty home, couldn’t take a bath with first cleaning the filthy tide mark ring from around it. He always ate the better food, she burnt stuff constantly, burn bits given to me and my brother.

My bedroom was 1/2 mine, the other half had her clothes, her books, the washing wash hung out in my room, I would be sleeping, she would burst in, put on the light, dump wet clothes on my bed and start hanging them out like I wasn’t even there

So many other examples I could give but I doubt anyone will reached the bottom of this one

I’m an incest survivor and answered yes to every CEN question on your website. My mother married two pedophiles after knowing this about them. The two children she had from previous relationships were being assaulted by my bio dad before she married him. After my parents divorced, my stepdad was molesting three of us before she married him. I told her what he was doing to me and someone else suspected or knew and called social services because they came to my school to talk with me and one of my sisters. Nothing ever happened and the abuse continued. Mom wanted to be a stay at home mother, and both men “allowed” her to not work in exchange for her silence and inaction. She pretends not to have known. Both men acknowledge what they did. My grandfather and one cousin also assaulted me. I’ve been in therapy for fourteen years and still answer “yes” to every question on your inquiry. Is it possible to overcome this? Every relationship in my life suffers because of this. I want so desperately to be capable of normal relationships.

I just finished Running on Empty and I feel as though it has captured what is still troubling me. Prior to reading it, I had a problem accusing or blaming my parents for my issues, mainly because they were kind people mostly who took care of us well. But today, now 41, I have an emotionally fraught relationship with my three siblings and I have a numbness and self-hatred that won’t ever go away. I am try to recognize my feelings, which can be difficult. I also want to address my problems because I have become prone to procrastination and am in a career paralysis after early big successes. It’s invisible me vs. the world I guess.

My parents kissed me and my mother said she loved me, but they usually showed affection through money, never arbitrated fights between the kids, and sometimes even administered overly harsh physical punishments (e.g. chasing me up stairs, hitting me with shoe, pinching, hard spanking, though not crossing into crazy abuse like cigarettes in skin, iron burns, etc.). I remember once I had severe abdominal distress that was diagnosed briefly as appendicitis. For a brief moment, my dad, who is a GP, lavished attention on me and I was giddy. I wanted to get the operation and it made me feel cared about (I stayed the night in hospital but it ended up being cramps). I was sent away to live with relatives for a summer in Europe when I was 10 and went to boarding school from 13 on, 3 hours away from home, where I was bullied. At my university graduation, they didn’t even bring a camera and had to borrow one from my friends. Today, they never really initiate phone calls, saying they don’t want to bother me. I know I’m just pouring this out like stream of consciousness, but it lives inside me in a jumbled mess.

Right now, I want to be close to them and I will miss them when they are gone, but I feel like there is a huge wall between us. When I think of saying “I love you” to my dad, I get avoidant and stressed. I think he has a problem with saying it to me too. He is very standoffish emotionally but when there is a specific medical or other issue that he can address through any other means, he’s good. My siblings all feel closer to my parents than I do. I try to make my mother and father happy by bringing gifts or helping them with their computer, but I get into fights with them when the whole family is together.

Two quick questions:

1) In an emotionally neglectful family, what role do siblings and their interdynamics play in developing and sustaining CEN? My younger brother and sister were very spoiled and I feel as though my parents lavished more emotional support on them than they ever gave to me. This has fueled resentment and hostility in me, and makes me want to challenge them all the time. I almost feel as though they think they own the family, and I’m on the outside looking in. If I try to do something they normally do (like help with Christmas dinner) I get snapped at. And I end up irritated and aloof all the time.

2) My parents today are much older and they seem like different people — neutered, sometimes ailing, much less bossy and conflictual, almost at peace. Underneath, they still snap if a red zone is entered. How do I interact with my parents going forward? They aren’t hot-tempered and physical any more, but their weariness makes them unwilling and too weak to tackle what is bothering me.

WELL AT THE AGE OF 53,,I’M STILL CONFUSED AS I’VE EVER BEEN ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS,,I GUESS I GAVE UP YEARS AGO,,AND NOW WITH MYELOMA YEAR IN TO TREATMENT,,I’VE DONR IT ALL ON MY OWN,WONT LET ANYBAODY HELP ME,,DOCTORS AND NURSE RELATIONSHIPS HAVE BEEN TRICKY,,COZ OF MY GENERAL DISSTRUST,,I HAVENT BEEN KIND TO MY SELF,,STILL GOT THE PUNITIVE PARENT SCREAMING IN MY EAR,,I HAVE ISLOTED MY SELF GOOD AND PROPER,,,ILLUSIVE,SECRETIVE,ADDICTED,,ETC,ETC,ETC,,,I FIND COMFORT IN EMOTIONAL NEGLECT DESCRIPTION IN IT’S SELF,,I CAN IDENTIFY WITH IT EASILY,,SELF LABELING ALSO ONE OF MY OBSESIONS,,I’VE GOT THIS,,NO,NO,NO,I’VE GOT THAT,,NOW CAN I LIVE,ETC,ETC,,THANK YOU FIND YOUR STUFF HELPFULL…SIMON

I read your book. It is helpful…but what do you do when you feel a negative emotion like emptiness, loneliness and you cant find out where its coming from and why?
Its so overwhelming I hate feeling it and would rather numb or cut..anything not to feel it.

Hi! My name is Jason and I had a few questions about CEN. I was raised in an upper middle class home with parents whom have been married since before my birth and still are, was given many material goods, including my first car. However, for the longest time, I’ve had a struggle of some sort in my life. From a young age, I recall my parents forcing me to remain in isolation in order for them to stay calm. My mother especially didn’t like the amount of attention I tried to receive, even though I didn’t feel that I was asking for much. Then when I became a teenager, it only got worse. I was further isolated during the hardest years of my life where I dealt with bad relationships, struggles in school (which my parents didn’t believe because I’m held to a high standard of intelligence, which I feel that I’ve met for the most part), and many emotionally tolling experiences that I had no one to rely upon but myself to make it through. At this point in my life, I’m only 17, but I have an absolute resentment towards my parents to a point where I had planned on moving out in order to get away from them, I find it hard to communicate with others, especially if the conversation involves emotions, and I’m always either sad or angry, even though I play it off as if I am happy. I got to a point where I believed I was depressed, but refused to admit it or share it with anyone due to the fact that I thought my parents would frown upon it or worse, disregard the feeling entirely. Do you think I may have been subjected to CEN throughout my childhood? If so, what steps can I take towards healing from it since I’m still an adolescent?

Hi there

I would like to enquire if perhaps you have any more material (articles books etc) on the effects of CEN on a marriage? I recently guided my husband to your site and purchased your books as many things he had said over the years made me think he does have this. As his wife I wonder is there hope for us especially since he has emotional affairs and has said that he feels that he has an alter ego when he does this. He even says to some extent that he has the emotions of a boy. As you probably know he doesn’t display this side in our marriage. I want him to heal but I’m afraid to walk down this path with him.

Hi Dr. Webb,

Another book that I found helpful is: Getting Through the Day: Strategies for Adults who were Hurt as Children, by Nancy Napier. Have you heard of her? I think this is the perfect epilogue for people who are gaining awareness of how their childhood affects them so greatly. I use a combination of all the techniques offered in both books and they help me quite a bit. Of course, I still struggle a lot with feelings of despair and loneliness, Not having that caring, compassionate, nurturing relationship haunts me every moment of my life.
I share this information with you so that you can continue helping others.
I wish there would be a support group for people like me.

Thanks for your work,

I’m glad I found this website. I always thought (and still do now) that I had nothing to complain about because I have some truly nice memories growing up like going camping and going to the cottage in the summer. But my life became more and more difficult as I got older. I was not able to stand up for myself (and consequently got taken advantage of sexually by men), I suffered from low self-esteem and got mixed up with the wrong crowd, I floated from dead end job to dead end job all my young adult life, I never had any close friendships or got involved in any social clubs/sports. Even my sister “used” me for company when she needed it and I didn’t get anything back from her. I feel like I grew up in a house full of strangers instead of my own family members. Nobody seems to care about each other and one of my brothers does not speak to the family anymore. I have not heard from or seen him in over 10 years. My father seems to be a bit of a narcissist, doesn’t seem too interested in his own kids, only himself and his books on how to “get rich quick”. Get rich and do what? There is just no closeness in our family and it makes me really sad at times.

Now at 50, I have come a long way but still have trouble forming loving and close relationships and still have dependency and avoidant personality issues. My mother was not only emotionally neglectful, but was verbally abusive. I won’t go into too much detail but she is a very cold and distant woman and I have not spoken to her for over 10 years. She has absolutely no love for me whatsoever and has never apologized for anything or admitted to anything. She lives her life in total denial and still avoids getting close to others. I refuse to be around her negative personality and her abusive ways which has helped me immensely. I just feel sorry for her now. I still feel that I have a long way to go yet, and am working on becoming more independent and more social. I do happen to favor the company of animals more than people and I am still not very trusting towards others, and I do have bouts of depression and feelings of emptiness that hit me hard at times. I just want others to know that they are not alone and that developing good coping strategies is very helpful. I know it is difficult to face each day sometimes but just taking one day at a time really helps. Don’t give up and take one day at a time. Remember to tell yourself that you are a wonderful and unique person and love yourself each and every day. Good luck!

Thank you so much for educating us on the subject of emotional neglect. I was an emotionally neglected child and I fear I raised my now-grown daughter in a similar way. My question is this: can we both heal ourselves and our relationship to each other as we age?

I recently discovered Dr. Conrad Baars book on Emotional Deprivation Disorder. I gave it to my therapist who, after reading it, said “it’s as if you wrote this book about yourself”. She concluded (as did I) that at age 57 there is no hope for me to recover, become happier, develop a personality or sense of self etc. We agreed to stop therapy. She is aproximately therapist number thirteen in my life. I found and ordered your book today. I am most grateful to come across somebody who offers hope. I eagerly await its arrival. Truly, you may have literally saved my life. I answer yes to almost all 22 of the questions, way way more than six anyway. I am not a quitter, having made it this far but living with this disorder and nobody even validating its existence is painful and exhausting. My sister completed suicide, remaining seven sibs are basically hermits. Thank you for your work.

I’m currently reading your book – Running on Empty, and it is AWESOME! It’s my life story, as if you were there with me as a child. You don a great job of breaking down each step. I have one problem and would like to know if you have any suggestions. On page 121 of the book, it gives many emotions and their function. The function helps me greatly to understand the emotion that I may be feeling. I noticed in the back of the book, there are many, many feeling words with no functions. Is there a book or website with the functions of the words in the back of your book? I struggle greatly with trying to understand the degree of my feelings. Example: If I tell someone that I am tired, I don’t know to say “drained” or “pooped” or “Limp”, with me it’s just tired. With that “function” that gives me a lot to go on, it gives me the direction that I need to go in. Your book has given me many “A-Ha!” moments, and it is beginning to allow me become a living human being and no longer a zombie walking the earth. THANK YOU!!! for this life changing book.

Its been a long journey so far. I’ve been in therapy for 10 years, still have occasional panic attacks, focus and self care issues, relationship issues. It’s harder for me to remember how far I’ve come. There are days I feel grounded and together. The biggest struggle is feeling like I am whole and comfortable with myself. Always steps forward and many back also known as the chacha.

Dr. Webb,
I am surprised that there is no mention of schizoid personality disorder in your work. It seems to me that CEN is a major contributor to that personality type. I have struggled my entire life with symptoms of CEN, and have recently been diagnosed as covert schizoid. I and am deeply saddened by this, because it seems schizoid is regarded as a fixed personality disorder that cannot be treated. Your book, however, seems hopeful that a individual can overcome the effects of CEN. Could a schizoid personality be the extreme result of CEN? And if so, are we too far along the spectrum to be helped? Have you had any success treating schizoid patients? I have tried for many years to claw my way out of my soul’s void with therapists, medications, and even illicit drugs to no avail. I am wondering if I should keep fighting to “fix” myself or if I should instead just focus on accepting and living with my disorder. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
I cannot thank you enough for Running on Empty. I felt validation for the first time in my life while reading it.
Sincerely,
Meghan

Hi Dr. Webb,

I recently read an article about your work on Childhood Emotional Neglect, and found it very interesting. Being a psychology major with an interest in culture and mental health, I just had a few questions about the interaction between CEN and a person’s background.

I was wondering whether CEN varies between cultures. In many non-Western cultures, it is the norm for parents to be less emotionally expressive with their children and for love to be displayed through other channels, such as giving up one’s own interests in favor of the children.

As such, my first question (or cluster of questions) is, do you envision CEN as a primarily “Western” construct, or a primarily “universal” construct? In other words, is lessened emotional involvement intrinsically harmful, or only harmful in a context where emotions are relatively highly emphasized and seen as being a central part of the human experience?

I also think that there are interesting ways in which culture and CEN can cross. For example, immigrants to the United States may raise their children according to the norms of their original culture, but the children may grow up increasingly tuned in to the norms and messages embedded in American culture. In this way, there can end up being a large mismatch between assumptions and expectations concerning emotions from the parents’ point of view vs. from the children’s point of view.

My second question is, have you encountered many clients with CEN or other emotional conflicts that arise from cultural conflicts, and do you think treatment should fundamentally differ based on a person’s background?

Thank you for your time.

I know I was a child of CEN. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and then married a narcissist for a husband. I can relate to every aspect/question for assessing CEN. I’ve even tried to commit suicide in my past, and thought about it often. I fear my children’s ability to find healthy relationships as a result of my inability to be emotionally available when they were young. In addition to growing up while watching a very unhealthy relationship between myself and their father. I can see how this issue becomes a vicious cycle repeating itself over throughout generations.

hey, i just took your Emotional Neglect Questionnaire, and i got quite a higher score than i expected. (18)
i was wondering if you might write a blog post about being adopted and these things? i feel like being adopted might amplify your sensitivity to certain things or maybe make you feel this way in general regardless. i’m adopted, but i figure that was probably obvious from my question.
maybe you already wrote one, i have a little trouble navigating new websites sometimes.
thanks!

I have just circled 15 of the 22 items on your list. Ask me about my childhood and I can remember is being lonely, playing on my own. I remember mum cooking with me once, but yelling at me because I wasn’t fast enough and her taking over, it was one of the best times in my childhood. I hated my childhood, it is not what I ever want to remember. I was 8 before I made my first friend to play with.

Thank you for the information on this page, it is really great to learn about why I feel the way I do.

“Yes” to all 20 questions. Ouch. Absent,angry father and, during childhood, a physically sick mother. However, I disagree with the whole recovery aspect. It is much like saying you were born without eyes and then you simply will yourself to grow them. The damage is permanent and …disabling. Not only do I feel disconnected, I feel that I don’t even have the ‘plugins’ where the connections would go. Sorry Doc, just my thought. I sincerely DO hope your methods help people though, albeit a vineer.

I am 71 yrs old and have always wondered what was wrong with me. I have undergone several therapies that helped somewhat, but I could never pinpoint the origin of my behaviour, reactions, thought-process, feelings or lack of.

I have finally stumbled on your site and voilà – emotional neglect is the answer. My parents were good decent people and I never wanted to “blame” them, but as I recall, both had been neglected in childhood as well. They simply could not give what they had not received.

I don’t know what will happen next, but thank you. At least I know why I have never been able to sustain a viable relationship and have learned to accept my solitary life.

Thank you,
Elisabeth

I have sufferex in this way … I want to put it right ..im fifty next month and I want to feel better

I keep the book on a table in my room, since I refer to it often. It’s hard to explain why I find it difficult, yet comforting to read. I suppose the difficult comes from not wanting to confront facts from the past, but the comfort comes from finally knowing you aren’t alone, that you aren’t crazy or broken just for no reason. I am feeling guilty now because although some if the issues from my childhood remain (and here I am. in my fifties) my mother is still emotionally void, but at least now she tries to be attentive, finally in her 70s, as long as it’s all on her terms of course. I feel guilty somehow for now delving into these issues just when she is finally trying to have a relationship. Other times, at night I pull back my hair as I brush it and see the two large scars on my scalp that have been there from when I was a toddler. Both large and only one of them sealed with stitches, the other left to heal jaggedly. When I asked years ago what happened, she would not say exactly, only mumbling something about slipping out of my high chair. Another time, I found a copy of an old news report. When I was 18 months old, the police found me wandering around about a mile from our home. I will always wonder how things really were back then. Maybe our lack of earliest memories is protective.

I went through the 22 questions and was shocked to see I had 13 out of 22! You are absolutely right, I cannot remember anything from the past that I can point to and definitely say was an emotionally neglectful experience. I am writing a position paper for my graduate degree in mental health counseling. I would love to cite your research but I would probably get “zinged” for the standardized tests not being completed. Anyway this has been very informative and meaningful. I should get your book and read more about this topic.Thank you!

What an incredible book. It arrived yesterday, I finished reading it today. I feel like it could have been written for me – and as I read it was as though Dr Webb was speaking directly to me. I found it emotionally draining to read but at the same time it made me feel hopeful for my future – the book makes sense of the enormous struggles I am having at the moment in my relationship with my partner, and how terrified I am of screwing up my children and letting them down.
no-one speaks about CEN, I had never heard of it, yet it makes absolute sense. I am going to buy a copy of the book for my mum for christmas. I think she probably did her best but was emotionally neglected herself, and I hope the book helps her too. I am also sharing it with my partner so we can make some positive changes together, and I think the tools in the book are excellent.
The book is frankly mindblowing. Most of my life I have felt there is something wrong with me – in many ways I am high functioning and reasonably successful. Yet my personal life has always been chaotic, no structure, no routines, I struggle with self discipline, and felt guilty and miserable as a result. I’ve had depression for years, recently diagnosed with bipolar 2. None of my “coping” (or rather, not coping) behaviours have worked or made sense, and I have felt an increasing feeling of being stuck. Thank god I found this book – because it has reassured me that it’s not my fault – and that there is a way through the tremendous and excruciating pain which I feel but have become expert at hiding from everyone, myself included. For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful about my future, and those of my children. I cannot thank Dr Webb enough.

I just came across your blog and it is a subject I had no idea that it is controversial I have this ECN and I have been struggling with it years . I have noticed it ,but could not label it. I started healing myself and I am toward a great success. Way to go yet. I found your writings and hints very practical . just a question that is there a certain time frame for every step you have mentioned?
Great thanks,

Hi Jonice
Could you kindly advise how personality disorders, (narcissistic, antisocial borderline etc)
can develop from CEN?
Many thanks
Ronsley

Hi.
I am a man in my 40s, I was brought up by my parents, my mother was an alcoholic and is not with us anymore, my father who I thought I would get closer too after her death shows no interest in me still. I used to blame my mother for everything but I also think my father has a drink problem, My sister nearly lost her life through drink and I could have gone the same way in my late teens.
Childhood was awful, I was bullied all the way through school, called a tramp, coming home from school to find my mother laid in her own sick and urine, she used to go through stages of severe binge drinking, months at a time, my father didn’t seem to do anything.
There was no love that I can remember, all I can remember was the arguments, me pouring vodka down the sink when she returned from the shop, she used to sit outside the local pub absolutely out of it, all my school friends saw here regularly, I was so embarrassed and still am, even though she has gone.
I feel tremendous guilt that is effecting my life, it makes me depressed, I am so worried of meeting people who I knew when I was about 18 to 20 years old because of the embarrassment of my family and personal past, this feeling does go away but is recharged when I see someone or there is a possibility of seeing someone from this period.
I broke the chain with this behavour which run in my mothers side, her father was an alcoholic. I am a loving father and would never do anything to upset my children.
I have a lovely wife and children and love them so much, they know this because I tell them all the time, my wife is aware of this issue, and we have discussed it, I was neglected as a child, the effects of this neglect still effecting me now. Is it normal to still have these feelings. What can be done.
Thanks
Richard

Can you direct me to anything you’ve written on your website about two CEN’s married to each other? I’ve ordered your book but can’t wait to read more! What about a Type 1 CEN (female with mixed ‘male’ and ‘female’ reactions) being married to a TYPE 3 (male with mixed reactions as well)? I’m guessing this is a match full of some craziness! Thank you for giving operational definitions to something so amorphous.

I stumbled upon this website while seeking affirmation from insights gained from 1-1/2 years of therapy. I was stunned. Although my therapist understands that I suffer from this condition, she never had quite been able to make me see it until I read these words. I turned her on to the book and after we both read it, we ‘ll go from there. I wish I had known all this 30 years ago.