Childhood Emotional Neglect Discussion Page

Dr. Webb,

First, thank you for your dedication to this subject. The continual stream of shared stories and your attention to them is, I think, a rarity. What caught me most by the description of CEN was that it is invisible until you finally have so much informationas an adult that you see the absence. I am going to open up here. Hopefully, it will not be too much. Feel free to moderate if what I jave to say is not quite relevant, or delves into topics too controversial.

I was adopted at about one month old. Everything I’ve read about adoption has showed that at that age, most adopted people grow up as normal as anyone else. I believed what my parents told me. If I was ever a questioning child, I don’t remember. My mother told me early about my adoption and began to ensure that my feelings about it would align to what she wanted me to feel about it — that it was irrelevant. I was completely hers. My mother was desperate for me to experience what she had missed for many reasons. Cliche, I know, but it’s what she told me, right after she told me that I walked late because she held me too much. Her control in other areas of her own life were minimal, or at least that’s what she believed. My mother believed herself to be easy to talk to, made everything easy for everyone. I believed this myself about her for many years as an adult.

My father worked, came home, ate, slept, and made sure that my mother and I had everything we needed, in a frugal, but thoughtful way. He could be very charming in company, but I heard hm and my mother talking after any social activity and heard the often judgemental thoughts they actually had about other people.

Both of them were hardworking. Both had lost their fathers early in their lives. In my father’s case, he began to earn and take care of his mother and brother at the age of 12. My mother, who was 4 when her father died, attached herself to her sister.

Many of those who have shared stories have very similar things to say about their upbringings. I was certainly not abused. My mother kept a very clean house, kept me very close, did not want me to learn to care for myself because (as she has said repeatedly), she wanted to keep me a baby as long as possible. The inevitable result though was that I was recognized as ‘immature’, first by teachers, then by my peers. My parents did the best they could, but they did not see me as a person who needed to find herself or needed to learn self-regulation, cleaning up after myself, learning how I felt about anything or expressing how I felt. They did not think of parenting itself as something to be learned or researched. I don’t think that was unusual for that time, but it was unusual next to my private school peers’ upbringings. I was told how I felt, and I repeated that when asked by anyone. People who asked me questions were at best perplexd by my answers and at worst, disgusted. Few tried to be helpful, or if they did, they were either completely kind and accepting, or snide and condescending.

My parents sent me to a private school that they could barely afford, I took dancing lessons I hated and piano lessons which were tolerable. However, practicing was forbidden as it was disruptive to the clean, quiet home.

Needless to say, this type of living made me frustrated as a child and I felt shallow compared to my peers, while always trying to blend. On the cusp of 18, I got pregnant and my father went crazy insisting that I abort. I fought only two weeks before my mother, her sister, my DOCTOR (don’t get me started), convinced me I had no other choice, it was insignificant, and my dad would kill himself if I didn’t do it. I believed that, regardless of what you might think. The combination of being an adopted person, ensured my whole life about how special that was, put me over an edge I can’t describe even now. My mother has apologized for her part, but, like everything else, apologizing after you got your way leaves me a bit cold. I understand it, but it undermined the very hard truth I had accepted against my nature on her behalf for so long. My trust of others has never recovered and I had no reason to have good behavior myself. The pain I’ve caused others, the times my cynicism has been reinforced, it was all tolerable until I recognized that I wasn’t young anymore. The slightly screwed up good person I might have become got disrupted and I can’t tell now what I am. Of course, this is the worst of it. My life has had happy, mediocre, and sad times like everyone. Bonding, however, is consistently hard.

So, I hope my story is relevant and adds something. Many stories that are shared in this thread ring true to my own experience. I was loved. I was not abused physically. But the lies I accepted undermined everything and I have felt lonely and betrayed, and silly for expecting anything else. As a result, my trust of everyone else has been damaged and my behavior never met my own standards to earn trust, therefore trust others, and therefore, love. Now, at 45, I am working on myself, with the support of my husband who after 20 years I think is starting to get it.

The descriptions of CEN have been the closest of any diagnoses that I’ve read to describe and possibly help me. I’ve found therapists to suggest actions that I’ve either already done, tried, and failed, or are just completely outlandish. Also, I cannot help but think about my therapists as extremely flawed individuals who are either judgemental or completely unfeeling.

Thank you, Dr. Webb. I appreciate your dedication. Wish I could find a CEN therapist in my area, covered by my insurance. Thanks for your time.

I would be wary about any or these seminars that promise miracles. I have been to all kinds of these things and spent a lot of money,and guess what,I am still the same. We want so desperately to get “fixed” and there are a slew of gurus out there making promises.

Chuck, I do agree that acceptance of what happened to us can help us move forward. I do agree that what happened can’t be reversed. I’m not sure how one coulee reverse it.

What I do think can happen is that we can still build lives worth living. I’ve come to realize that I’m just not someone who will feel very connected to other people. I dated someone who was very connected to his family since I craved parental connection.

I did intense therapy for several years and have gone to a program at OnSite outside Nashville. In my work, I built skills I needed to be healthier emotionally. I also found that my attractions to potential romantic interests changed. I went through a divorce while in therapy.

While the fellow with the close family connections was a decent guy, it didn’t fit ok other ways. I found someone else to whom I’ve developed a relationship I want to have. I also found a small group of friends from my OnSite experience. With this group of people, I can just be myself. It’s safe.

I don’t want my mother to change and now be all huggy, kissy, warm and wonderful. My father has been dead six years. Nothing will happen there.

In therapy I found my voice with practice. I’m ok with not being close to my family of origin. I wish it could have been different. It wasn’t. My fiancée is not a substitute for the family that I missed.

Sometimes, life just sucks.

Why don’t we all just accept that the damage to our emotional selves is non negotiable. The hurt, shame, anger, despair are reactions to the intensity of living in a sick environment for years. The neural pathways of our brains have been on overload by the need to be in a constant fight or flight moment. No one really understand us or why we have difficulty loving or feeling, and lack a sense of belonging. A desire to belong just does not exist for me. No one really wants to be your friend genuinely. They only want something from you, and offer nothing in return. Believe me I’ve tried to get help for myself. I’ve tried doing it there way. Without any positive results. Certain aspects of our core selves for example the abuse, trauma, neglect will impact us all of our lives. It is not reversible.

I am 56 and I have always known that I didn’t feel the same emotions as everyone else but I thought it was just another aspect of me not being “good enough” so I hid it and pretended that life was fine. Life really isn’t fine and I would very much like to come in from the cold now please and have what I know other people have – friends, family, love and acceptance. I come from a very dysfunctional family – 7 children mum and dad. Mum never wanted to be with Dad and she certainly never wanted 7 children. She used to tell us in a very emotionless way the methods she tried to get rid of the last 3 of us (my elder sister, my younger brother and myself)We never had enough of anything; physical or emotional. My parents were not cruel they were just grown ups who lived in the same house as us and I never blamed them for their attitude – It was just the way it was. I have tried really hard but I cannot remember a single hug or word of affection or encouragement from either of them. I remember I so desperately wanted Mum to notice me; to single me out from all the rest and I tried so hard to make her proud of me but I might as well have been invisible. Yes we had some presents at Christmas and went away for a summer holiday most years but as for day to day living, we were totally independent at a very early age. You wanted clean clothes? There was the sink; you washed them yourself. You wanted blankets for bed? Don’t be silly! You went to bed fully clothed or crawled in with one of your sisters if they would let you or found coats or something and learned to crochet so you could make your own blanket in time. You looked after yourself any way you could and you survived. Simple. And now roll forward to present day and I am the most independent person I know. I have no faith in anyone else’s ability so I just do everything myself and I survive. I am on my second marriage and if I am not careful that will go the same way as the first. Materially I have everything that I need but I don’t have any real friends and I don’t think I would be able to trust that their friendship was genuine even if I could find some. I have a morbid fear of social gatherings because I just don’t know how to act at them. I just feel empty, left out and never ever good enough. I have read the book Running on Empty so now at least I have a label. First step forward I suppose. First of many I hope.

I first encountered Dr. Webb’s work listening to a podcast, on my way from my parents place to my home state, where I recently lost my job. It resonated extremely deeply with me. I always felt terrible for being depressed and somewhat disfunctional given that I came from a home where my parents loved me and provided for me. In the past year or so all of the memories have flooded back, and it’s pretty much destroyed my life. (I will rebuild it.)

Today I sent my parents a letter letting them know what I’ve been dealing with, and what the source is, and asking for their help. It was 6 pages long and included various examples of neglect. I don’t want to blame them, I don’t want their guilt. But I need them to understand that a reason I needed their help is because I’ve learned to never ask for anything and that my needs didn’t matter. It’s crazy how I look back after processing some of this and the neglectg is so obvious…but I know theyre both going to have had no idea.

I dunno why I wrote this hear, but it’s nice to know that you’re not alone, and that your issues come from somewhere external.

I was emotionally neglected by both my mother and father. My mother was more physically available but I found out at the age of 30 that she was addicted to prescription medication throughout my entire childhood. My father was living at home but was rarely home due to working and enjoying his many hobbies. I have a question: How might neglect from a mother affect a daughter compared to how neglect from a father would affect a daughter?

I will be 70 in a few months and have been dealing with this all my life. Although my story is not as sad as the many I have read, I still have the symptoms of CEN. My parents provided for my needs and did love me but at an early age, I knew something was wrong. I have been in and out of therapy most of my life but could never figure out what was wrong. I had some symptoms of abuse and other childhood trauma but was never abused or traumatized. I have always thought I had to do everything by myself and never knew what I was really good at. And I have always had difficulty in relationships, especially with men. I seem to pick those who are unavailable either emotionally, those who were just nuts or someone who was married. Although I have never had a physical affair with a married man, I had some sort of flirting affair which I can’t really explain. All my life, I have had very low self esteem. I never thought I was smart or good at anything. I struggled with so much.
I read in one of Dr. Webb’s blogs that when some people with this problem get angry, they can have a temper tantrum like a two year old. My mother dealt with anger in that way. It was just so mortifying and so irrational. She had a miserable childhood and never was responded to emotionally and just passed it on. Now I pretty much know what happened and why. I am hoping I can over come some of these issues before I die. I am so grateful to know why I have felt this way for so long. Thank you, Dr. Webb, for bringing CEN to light. It will help a lot of people.

My mother died when I was a year old and my father sent me off to live with his sister and her husband “temporarily” while he “got back on his feet”. And no this is not a misprint, I lived with them until I was 23 except for a period of 2 years when she threw me out because I started to speak up for myself after 18 or so years of keeping my mouth shut and “not making waves” and I couldn’t take it any more. I ended up living with my father for those two years and I really got to know how much I disliked him. I resented the fact that he was uninterested in raising his own child and that despite my aunt telling him to “find that kid another place to live”, repeatedly for a period of many YEARS knowing that I was emotionally and sometimes physically abused, he did nothing to help me out. I believe he was a very depressed individual to begin with and he had no ability for responsibility. SO I had 3 “parents” but none of them were very useful. After a time my aunt resented me being there and my uncle was always a cold fish. My father through his depression always stated that he was ready to die, which I found incredibly selfish knowing full well that I was stuck between a rock and a hard place with no ability to do anything about my situation. But I continued to be passive because I was threatened with “going to the Orphans Home” and the like…. When you’re a kid you don’t know what to believe and so I didn’t make waves… I kept to myself and was lonely and miserable at home. Since that time my father has mercifully died and my aunt and uncle and I have come to an understanding, and we have long since reconciled.. We have a good relationship now but they are in their late 80’s. And both have come to realize that many things they did were wrong… They didn’t believe me when they said my father was miserable depressed and uncooperative They just saw me as an ungrateful child. I was anything but, but I also lacked the basic things I needed. But they believe that that is all in the past… While this maybe true, it still haunts and affects me in many ways to this day… I am unable to really do what I need to do for myself… My relationships have all deteriorated and I spend most of my time alone and miserable. I have never really gotten over the fact that I never knew my mother and resent the fact that my father did everything in his power to prevent me from learning anything about her. I was 19 yrs old before I saw a picture of her and I had to go through my fathers stuff and steal the only picture that exists of she and I in the same photo. I feel so defeated. I have gone to college for several degrees but I have never found a satisfying and rewarding career. My father sent me to college but the college of his choice was a business school and I am the least business oriented person whoever lived. It took me 6 1/2 years to get a 4 year degree, (with a 1.86 GPA and after that was unrewarding I went back to school 3 ore times to get a degree in something else but never fund anything great even though my GPA was above a 3.5. The bottom line is that I am lost, and alone I have virtually no friends or family… And I’ve been on some variant of an antidepressant for over 20 years and am in therapy twice a week for over 8 years now. I have tried many therapists and I wonder if there is anything at all that can be done to get me out of the rut I’ve been in since birth. I see Dr Phil sending people away for treatment and I sort of wish that I could have the same and straighten my ass out. I’m 55, and this shit has gone on far too long. And the thing that really bugs me is that when I was a kid I requested some form of therapy to straighten things out but it was refused… “Only crazy people see psychiatrists”. So what the hell do I do? There literally is no one to rely on.

I took the questionnaire and I answered Yes to 20 out of 22 (and didn’t have to deliberate on any of them). YIKES!

But it all makes sense. I only started delving into any of this since my parents passed away. I am in my 50s currently. My mom passed 2 years ago and my dad 4 years ago. When each of them passed away, I went through a somewhat deep introspection about why I didn’t feel particularly sad at their passing but relieved. I didn’t have any particular fond memories of time spent with either of them. Then I went through a phase of depression and some anger around a single question, “Why didn’t they ever want to spend time with me?” Then feelings of emptiness and worthlessness began flooding in and I remembered how those feelings had dominated my childhood. And I felt like something in me was broken, as in not working. Like a critical part of a machine was missing. I was like a zombie for a few weeks after each of them died.

But the weird thing is, they were VERY GOOD people. Everyone who knew them liked them. Just salt of the earth “good people”, well respected and admired in our home town. No one could say a bad thing about them. In all my childhood they never had an argument. Never said an unkind word to each other. We always had our material needs taken care of. We weren’t rich, but we never had a sense of not having enough. They were Ward and June Cleaver. So how could they have not been good parents?

I could probably write 20 pages right now about feeling disconnected since my earliest memories. Self-medicating through my teen years. Unable to find any solid direction in life (although the things I was passionate about were pushed back and considered impractical and unobtainable). I could sum up my life to date as “Unrealized Potential”. I have 3 older brothers and we never talk. I’ll get a call on my birthday from them but beyond that, there is zero communication. Like no one really cares to know what I’m doing. They communicate with each other much more than with me. It was always like that because they are all closer in age to each other. We don’t have a “bad” relationship, like someone is offended. We just don’t have a relationship, at least not one that you would typify as “family”.

Even right now as I am processing some of this, I feel like some kind of drug is taking effect. I am not sure what to do next. I have a great wife that I can talk to about it. It was actually from her processing issues with her mother that got me thinking about any of this again.

My parents have a disregard for my feelings and lack of value for me as an individual. It was this way growing up, and still is today at age 45. Growing up my mom used to tell me “I might not like you, but I’ll always love you.” I was a shy kid, which she did not like and after we moved when I was 10 years old, I had a hard time making new friends. When she would see me inside the house playing alone, she would tell me “You are a zero… all you do is sit around all day … no wonder nobody wants to be your friend.” This went on routinely until one day I told her she was making me feel bad about myself and I asked her why she felt it was OK to do that to me. She paused and looked at me stunned, then walked away. She stopped saying those things for a few weeks, but eventually the same dialog returned and I just learned to stay away from her.
I was elated when I went away to college and physically got away. I felt like emotional chains had finally been removed. Only seeing her for small amounts of time prevented situations that would trigger destructive dialog. A few years ago I mentioned how I felt to my sister and asked her if she had ever experienced anything similar. She said she had not and said she thought I was being cruel to our mother. I asked her to keep our discussion confidential, but she eventually told our mother everything I had confided. I then felt my sister had betrayed me, and that my mother had been given a new reason to “dislike” me again. I know you cannot change people. I have distanced them all from my life.

I took the questionnaire and answered yes to 21 of 22, so i took it again to really sit with each question and again 21 of 22. And as i sat with each question memories would float through my mind, things i haven’t thought of for years, yet through all those years i have always been isolated from everyone and everything to the point of suicidal thoughts more times then i care to count. But sometimes it’s putting a label on what i have been experiencing and knowing that i’m not alone in this hell on earth. So thank you everyone for opening up in this forum and letting a hurt little boy who grew up alone know there is a better life waiting

I just want to say… that I’m 66 years old and still dealing with the emptiness of CEN. I’m close to no one and seem to attract other people with similar issues. Therefore, making connection with others extremely difficult. Forgiveness is also difficult for me simply because my life has been very unfulfilled and unrewarding. My destructive narcissistic mother never loved me and used me to meet her narcissistic supply. She was also emotionally unavailable, self absorbed, and used emotional blackmail on me, when ever she had the chance to do so. I was the adult in the family and had learned to care take and rescue and people please others without ever questioning my own needs. Development arrests exists in me and has stunted my emotional growth. I don’t think any amount of therapy or counseling can ever reverse it. Knowing this leaves me hopeless. She, my mother has taken the wind from my sails and I still carry the anger with all the repressed emotions. They don’t serve me at all. The joke is trying to get the right kind of professional help. Medicare always pays for in most situations, people who are general in there practice, but not specific enough to deal with the real underlying issues. Can any of you relate to me?

Hi All

It’s great to actually read about people who feel the same way!
I have two questions, that I would really appreciate your experiences with.
Firstly-how do you say “No” when others ask for help; I’m always being asked for help, and I feel terrible saying no-but I can’t do everything, and I never seem to get round to doing things for me or really having a break-as there are other more important
Secondly-how do you motivate yourself to really look after yourselves? I live and work overseas, and I know if I saw someone else living as I do I would feel bad-but as it’s only me, it does’nt matter and I don’t care…but I don’t know if it can go on this way as it can be so tiring…

Hi Melanie

I do understand exactly where you are coming from. My mom and other caregivers just saw to physical needs thinking that if I was housed fed and clothed that was all that was necessary and that the emotional needs simply did not matter. And at the end my mom became physically abusive as a result of which her dad had to send me to be raised from the age of 13 by my godmother. But unfortunately the harm was done by then in that I and left emotional numb permanently independent of whether I feel good or bad. And I can only relate to people by willed rapport.
I think you are right explaining how you have been affected to your mom would not achieve anything. The only thing that would is following the methods in the book and perhaps good therapy for this. I really hope and pray everything will improve for you and you will eventually have good relationships. Take care. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis.

Hi, I recently read Running on Empty and found it really resonated with me. I have been going to therapy for a few years, and my therapist has talked to me about aspects of myself that are on the autism spectrum. After researching ASD I found I could relate to a some of the symptoms, like social anxiety, feeling different to other people, and difficulty expressing negative feelings or explaining what I was feeling. But there were also aspects of ASD that I felt didn’t match how I felt, one being that I have strong empathy, if anything I am overly sensitive to other people’s feelings. So I ended up a little confused if I was on the autism spectrum or not.
When I read Running on Empty I felt like so much of what you described was how I felt. Since my teenage years I’ve had strong feelings of emptiness, never ask for help, much harder on myself than others, feelings that there’s something wrong with me and blame myself for that, hid my real self, have difficulty nurturing, and difficulty being aware of and expressing “negative” emotions.
Do you think there is a cross-over between ASD and childhood emotional neglect? Because I feel with me rather than being a developmental disorder like ASD, my issues stem from childhood emotion neglect. I can pin point times from my childhood where my negative emotions were not validated, and where I never got to learn or help with important emotional difficulties.
I feel this book has helped me find something which I have been hiding from myself for a long time, my emotions. I realise that it’s not a coincidence that my feelings of emptiness and search for meaning started in my teenage years when I began to really try to repress any strong negative emotions. I’m uneasy using the word “Soul”, but I think that is where my emotions come from, and now I am becoming more and more aware of my emotions, I am feeling less spiritually empty. For years I have had difficulty turning off, and just relaxing, as the rational side of my brain would fill the void left by my emotions with almost torturous chatter. But now that my emotional side is filling that void I am telling the rational side that it’s ok, it can relinquish control. I think it will be a long time before I am where I’d like to be, but I’m going in the right direction, and I thank you for that.

Hi Dr. Webb,
I was wondering if you happen to know of any resources for more complicated versions of CEN?

I’m looking for resources for those of us who have CEN due not only to a depressed mother, but this was exacerbated by the father being in the military, often absent for long periods of time due to their work, and the family having to pick up and move every 2-3 years.

I’m also wondering how PTSD later in life is affected by CEN, and if CEN causes a person to be more susceptible to PTSD stemming from vicarious trauma?

I know these are quite specific situations, but any help or resources you or anybody else may know of is much appreciated.

Thank you!

Hello Dr. Webb: I’ve found your book and site very helpful. As a 45-year-old emotionally neglected child of an 83-year old emotionally neglected child who is my father, I would love to hear about how to care for my adult father who lives with me now. I am his caregiver and find his behavior very difficult to deal with well. I left home at age 21 and now it’s like having my childhood in my face every day. I try to let the criticism roll off my back, but as an adult it’s hard to know how best to have boundaries, combat the self-talk that reinforces his negativity and preserve myself. Thank you.

PS. I would love to cover this on my blog as well.

Walls…what stronghold is that? Emotions…what torrents lied within me? My life had been a series of walls–endless locks and keys, to which only I had access to…but for some, the doors had rusted and the keys, hidden, had been lost along the way. Things were full of dichotomy. Memories something to be forgotten, love something to be given but not received. Relationships only for them and me remaining in my castle. My fears unknown, sometimes even to my self. Sometimes I would cry looking into the mirror, asking of myself what did I truly want–what were my desires, my hopes, and my dreams for life? But most things–whether actions or words had been done and said only for the comfort or pleasure of the other person. I had lost myself burying it deep–deeply and unconsciously. As a child I came from a split family. Some of my other siblings were only half siblings, though I loved them dearly. One by one, engulfed by their hopelessness of the situation–the time for arguing had passed and they left..slamming the door behind them. My mother who so many times had tried to shake off the dust, eventually succumb once again to the comfort that food supposedly offers and that strong drink that would surely heal her own deep wounds and insecurities–she was left staring wide eyed, deeply at the bottom of every bottle. My father had a heart attack when I was but fourteen, he was stabilized then the worst happened. A nightmare no child should endure. I still remember my mother calling me from the hospital at three in the morning. She told me calmly that someone should drive me and my sister over as soon as possible….I have to come to say goodbye.
My father thankfully recovered, but was diagnosed with a disease that eats away at ones heart, we later found out he also had it in his brain. Over the next few years they both went through series of depressions and my mother went to school and work full time. Leaving my sister and I to deal with everything–emotionally and physically in taking care of the house and ourselves.
My sister finally left the house to go to college, leaving me in the death of silence. My parents and I were like three strangers in one house. I not only had no person to go to or rely on, but I had to care for two other people.

When I finally went away to a good caring college, I did not know the meaning of having fun, to truly laugh–I was completely numb. How else could I have dealt with seven years of words with no meaning, hugs with no feeling, and an “I” without a self. I was blinded that my parents even had issues, that children werent supposed to take care of both parents at so young and have no love and support in return.I had been so used to people not listening, people not caring that when people actually did I was surprised and did not believe it was for real.

After two years away from home and having good,patient, and supportive friends and seeing how my parents became self destructive through no dealing with there problems I pushed myself even further and higher to work on myself and gain a stronger sense of self. I have heard of so many stories, terrible and heart wrenching. So many times I wish to be there for those people, to truly listen and hold their hand. To make them feel and know that even though their life at the moment is difficult you always have a choice. That you might feel like your life is falling apart, but you have to tap into the strength within you–its there. Everyone has a past, and it always has an effect—either you can let it define you or you can choose to it to build you. The fight is never over—either we are quarreling with others or ourselves. There is too much hatred in the world not to love at all costs–but not when the price comes to the expense of our own life. One must learn to turn resentment into understanding, and survival into truly living. Life goes on, and we must focus to do what is right no matter the personal loss or gain—it is our duty to do so—to utilize our every breathe to bettering the lives around us, whether it be our own or another’s. Moments are for living, not for passing. Time is not vent murderous intentions, killing its precious moments, but is rather to embrace life itself and to utilize it parsimoniously. Life is not for tranquility, it is for individuality. It is not for self but for others. It is not to have good, but to find the good in everything. If you truly live a moment you live a lifetime–its your life–it is your choice–live.

Hi Dr Webb

Bought the audio version of your book. Im desperately trying to find the worksheet to download. Can you please or any one point me in the right direction.

Jessica

Hi Jill

Like you I suffered emotional neglect growing up. I am now 72 and I am incapable of feeling positive emotion for anyone or anything. This is a direct result of emotional neglect and receiving no love. My mother was mainly responsible for this. But I have forgiven her not because she deserved forgiveness partly because I am a Christian and also because I realize that holding onto angry feelings against her would block healing and poison my system. No we do not forgive perpetrators because they deserve it but so that we can free ourselves from the toxic poison of hating them. You have done such a wonderful job loving your own kids. All credit to you for that! Take care. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis

Hello; In reading your book, my main emotion bubbling up, is sadness. I am fighting tears as I turn each page. I wonder if this is where I’m stuck… I feel sadness (self-pity?) for myself and anger towards my parents. Their faces just remain stuck in my head as I read the pages, and I can’t seem to get past that.

I had my own children (they are now in their early 20’s and doing great) and as they grew up I began dealing with major anger towards my parents, as I regarded my children with so much love and importance, why didn’t my parents have those same feelings and make those choices, for me?? I became furious and I guess I haven’t gotten past that point so I can start to heal myself. I made it my mission to provide my children what I did not receive, and I think I did pretty well; at least, I feel good about what I did as a mother and the relationship I have with both kids. I consider that a significant step in healing, and in breaking a pattern, but I still have overwhelming feelings of this self-pity that I would really like to break free from.

One solution I strongly consider is to break off completely from my parents at this late stage. Many of the same things I endured as a child still exist today and it still throws me off, touching many sensitive triggers.

It seems like I’m doing ok, I’m pretty highly functioning, but it feels like a daily struggle.

Thank You

I’m a woman who grew up emotionally neglected – thankfully I found Dr. Webb’s book awhile ago and it has guided me in my own self-growth and healing. I’ve reached a point where I don’t feel that individual therapy has more to offer me (in a good way) – but feel that I would really benefit from a support group of other adults dealing with the issues surrounding CEN. I wonder if there is a way to find such groups or find a therapist willing to start one – or perhaps the whole issue is still not well enough known or understood? thoughts?

I appreciate Dr. Webb’s research on Childhood Emotional Neglect immensely. My journey to discovering my struggles and trying to work through them has been greatly enhanced by her information.

I noticed that the extensive feeling list ends with the “S”s and wonder if part of it might be missing.

I just ordered your book after ‘thinking’ about it since last October after reading your posts at PsychCentral. This CEN has to be the answer to my craziness that has been me since my childhood. My first and only attempt at suicide happened at 11 after swallowing a bunch of my mother’s supplements or something like that. Nothing happened of course! To this day, I have no idea what they were. My father was an alcoholic who mentally abused my mother. I saw one instance of physical abuse when he threw shoes at all of us, mom and me and my sister. We ended up walking the streets of L.A. looking for a woman’s shelter to sleep for the night. I remember sitting at a bus bench for quite awhile and then sneaking back in when my dad was passed out. My mother was an instigator though. I never saw any affection between my parents, or heard them say I love you to each other or to us. They both came from broken homes with alcoholism. Both of my grandfathers died from alcoholism. Fast forward to now at 51 years of age who is contemplating suicide and spiraling down fast. My daughter who is 20, almost 21, has a boyfriend, school, and friends who have her attention. Due to a mutual ‘break’ from Me, she is spending a couple weeks at a friends house and communicating when it’s important. I don’t want to lose her. The way I’m acting though, it’s a sure bet I may. My dad was a quiet man. Us kids never knew if he was mad or what. We walked on egg shells most of the time. When I had my daughter, I was determined to raise her differently than I was. Her father whom I divorced, was a drinker who did it somewhere else because I wouldn’t allow it in the house. I was/am a control freak so he stayed away. It takes a lot to say I’m a control freak. I think this thing with my daughter is another control freak thing with me. The crazy thing is that my entire life I kept my distance from control freaks. I ended friendships over that. I’m quiet and introverted and felt people saw that and took advantage. Now I’m thinking there was something else at play. And another thing, after my divorce, my daughter and I moved back in with my dad. I noticed I was still walking on eggshells even when I was in my 30s! I have a feeling he used to yell at us as kids when we made too much noise. I think it’s because of him that I’ve grown to be extra sensitive to everything like perceived insults and threats. Needless to say, I talk to myself about what I’m really hearing and that’s helped me stay at my job for 4 years.

So I’ve ordered your book, I am looking for a therapist and trying to make amends to my daughter. I’m trying to tell her I Love You but it’s hard to put it into words. Also trying to give her space to become the adult she wants to be. I realize at her age she needs an identity and to find her own way in life. I’m trying to let go.

I am so confused and tired. I have been with my CEN partner for almost 10 years and want to end it. I am starting to get myself sorted out financially so I can take care of our 2 young children independently. He seems oblivious to this, but he seems oblivious to most things. The latest pain is from moving 3 hrs away to a community I’d never heard of so that he could accept a promotion. I also gave up a promotion I had been offered around the same time. I did this because it was supposed to be a substantial promotion and he told me I would be able to not work and stay home with our 3 year old. We’ve been here just over 6 months and there have been some positive things about moving but I would prefer not to be here. He recently decided that he’s not making enough money for me to stay home after all but instead of talking to me about it he decided to remove all the money from our joint account and tell me I had to get a job. We fought and he claimed he never told me that I wouldn’t have to work and that I was confused or misunderstood. Completely false. I got a part time job in the evenings but he says I still don’t make enough and he wants me to work full time and put our son in daycare cause that is what “everyone does” and he doesn’t think he should have to take care of our kids by himself while I work. I am also currently in graduate school to get a degree where I will finally have financial security and more options but it will take time to complete. He does not help watch the kids so I can study unless he feels like it and acts like I’m not in school at all.
His basic attitude is that nothing in my life has anything to do with him. I just found out by text earlier today that he removed the automatic deposits to the joint account that have been put in for years so I wouldn’t have access to that money. He didn’t even mention he was making this change. Then when he got home he just came in like nothing had happened at all…” so how was your day” no mention of anything. It’s crazy and painful.
I am confused because of my own childhood issues and so many years of this empty, twisted relationship. I am almost incapable of determining what is “normal” and trying to decipher my responsibility for our problems.
The worst part is that I am not allowed to have any reaction, emotions, or discussion about his actions (or lack thereof) or he completely shuts down and falls apart to the point he can’t function and the whole household is thrown into chaos and the entire episode is my fault for “provoking” him. So no matter how hard I try not to I ruminate constantly about how to help myself and trying to understand what is happening. I have been depressed for years and no longer recognize myself.
I have just recently recognized what is happening with him. He has been recommended by an eap to get emrd treatment for ptsd and he says he will but never does. I have given up hope that he has any interest in improving our relationship, lives, or himself. I keep reading about how I can’t blame him or hold him accountable but I have lost years of my life to this and he WILL NOT help himself/us.
I usually just avoid him then he is perplexed why I am unhappy.

I agree. A therapeutic relationship is a relationship. Try another therapist until you find a decent fit.

One caveat is that we self-diagnose and can be very fused with the rightness of it. A therapist you can work with effectively will meet you where you are and will be helpful directing your work.

The therapist I recently worked with guided me to places I didn’t think I needed help on. Yet, he was actually right. I still did the work practicing new skills and working to let go of old ways that weren’t effective.

I don’t know what I don’t know.

This helped me when I felt stuck and afraid. I started seeing the bigger picture that I didn’t know existed until we shed light on it.

If the therapist your working with is dismissive then you may need to find someone else.

While my therapist didn’t share CEN with me, I found it in my own at the point when that relationship was coming to a stop spot. Interestingly, we covered most of it in therapy, just not as CEN. Be aware that if the therapist you’re working with is addressing your needs, that’s tge most important thing.

Some therapists are stuffy, know-it-alls. Just find someone who is a decent fit. Fit can change.

Until discovering CEN and what it is, I’ve spent nearly all my 65 years wondering “what’s wrong with this picture”. I knew there was something wrong and it somehow related to my growing up in an emotionally distant family, though I never thought of this situation as any form of abuse let along anything bad was actually done to me. It all appeared perfectly normal. I’m the oldest of two siblings. Both my parents are authoritarian (still to this day) and were raised in authoritarian households. What my parents say is final (to them) and even now (in their eyes) I have no right expressing a dissenting opinion with them.

Showing or expressing any feeling was strongly disapproved, usually in the form of a scolding or being told my feelings are “mistaken”. No validation, no love, no approval of any kind. Can anyone imagine having a child, raising him, and being totally indifferent to their life for decades at a time? My parents don’t even know who I am. It’s hard to even talk about this as I’m tempted to feel as if I’m complaining and my complaints have no validity. You know what… what I’m saying is valid.

The most devastating part of what happened is going out into my adult life completely unprepared – for relationships, navigating the workplace and a career, interacting socially with others. I spent my entire life on the margins as a perpetual outsider looking in. I never felt part of anything. If I had any purpose in life it was completely unknown to me. I learned what I needed to know on my own, much of it the hard way. I functioned very successfully in life and never actually lived.

Until the last 2 years or so I got by with this and got along. Finally I retired and had time to sit back and reflect on the years I existed but never really lived. My father had a brief conversation with me when I was 46-47 years old, expressing disappointment that I had not produced any grandchildren. My sister (4 years younger than me) had two daughters and four divorces. You know what… I’m actually glad I never had kids. I spared them from what I experienced. More likely than not I would have done to those kids what my parents did with me and I would have never been aware of it. If CEN is passed from generation to generation, I put a stop to mine (thank you very much).

I became very motivated to transform my life two years ago. What got me going was raising the questions, “How can those around me have relationships and families? How can they experience love, compassion, validation and so on and for reason(s) unknown to me I never could? “. The answer is quite simple, I possess the ability to experience all those things despite the fact my ability remained hidden for 65 years, despite all that occurred in those years. Beneath my trauma lie resources yet to be discovered and put to use.

I actually found a purpose in life… to undo what happened to me. I can’t get back much of what I’ve missed in life but there are things I can still do and the determination to get them done. Most of all I want the relationship I never had, the emotions and feelings I’ve never experienced. I can envision myself having the time of my life being some lady’s “winning lottery ticket”. Doing this is not only about me, it’s touching others too.

As of now, my work has included taking on a life coach (starting a year ago), developing my spirituality (Christian and Buddhist) and just rolling up my sleeves. Having a life coach proved invaluable – being held accountable, discussing ideas and perspective (feminine point of view a huge asset). I haven’t considered counseling but would do so if a need exists. My discovery of CEN filled in a lot of blanks and confirmed much of what occurred in my childhood.

Understanding what happened in my childhood resolved a lot of questions and raised others. I’ve had to process feelings (mainly some form of anger) about what I experienced. My (Buddhist) Dharma teachings have been extremely valuable – anger creating harm (and little if any good) to others and myself. What I did with my anger is not to be confused with either forgiveness or “anger management”, I simply chose not to be angry as there are better things for me to do. Both my parents are alive (approaching 90) and living nearby. I haven’t confronted them or forgiven them. I have realized that both my parents went through the experiences I had. I’m not excusing or justifying them, I am recognizing what happened. I honestly don’t know if I will ever forgive my parents either before or after they are gone. Part of my own personal work could lead me in that direction and if so, so be it.

I just found this website, after attending a workshop today on trauma, getting “triggered,” and coming home to an empty house because my husband left today to travel for business. It’s been a bad evening. Dr. Webb, I will be ordering the kindle version of your book and look forward to reading it.

I have been a clinical psychologist for over 20 years, and am embarrassed to say that despite being a well respected psychotherapist for many years to other traumatized people and attending my own therapy off and on for over a decade, it has only been in the past few years that I have truly begun to understand the effects that childhood emotional neglect has had on me. I grew up in an intact, stable, middle class family. My parents never touched me beyond what was required for taking care of my physical needs when I was young. I was never told I was loved. If I was upset, I was told by my mother that I needed “an attitude adjustment.” My father, who was more emotionally sensitive, worked three jobs and often deferred to my mother in terms of parenting. The irony is that my mother was a high school guidance counselor, and prided herself on what a great job she did with the kids she helped. My parents always said they raised me and my brothers to be independent, and because I was so competent, driven, organized, mature, etc. they “stopped parenting” when I was about six. Unfortunately, that was true. They provided food, shelter, clothing and practical support, but otherwise I was on my own. My brothers and I were latch key kids. We were involved in church, and took family vacations. Outwardly everything seemed fine, and my mother always bragged about what a perfect family we had. I bought into her delusion until I was in my twenties and began to understand not only how much nurturing I did not receive, but the enormous impact it had on me. I have emotional “flashbacks,” triggered in the context of intimate relationships, in which I am completely overwhelmed and either rage at my husband or withdraw and feel completely unable to cope. The overwhelming feeling at these times is that I am an inconsolable two year old, which I know is the reality of my childhood. My mother talks about what a “difficult child” I was because I cried all the time, and she speaks with pride about the fact that she knew she needed to “not let me win” our battles. She is still alive and thinks we have a perfectly normal relationship despite the fact that I never call her, she never calls me, and I only see her at family gatherings in which there are enough buffers present to protect me from having to talk to her for any length of time.

I stopped providing outpatient therapy five years ago because I no longer felt I was being helpful to my clients. I have too much of my own work to do. I am not sure, though, whether I will ever feel free of the enormous damage that I believe is biological and hard wired. All I can do is keep working on healing, like everyone else who is experiencing the impact of well-intentioned parents who had no idea how much they were hurting their children.

I read running on empty a little over two years ago and have read it twice more since. It was a revelation for me in shedding light on a childhood I accepted as normal when it clearly was not. Your book helped me to finally identify why I felt, behaved and believed as I did and for that alone I am grateful to you.

I am still struggling with cleaning up the damage and residual pain from my childhood. I am still very much battling the pull-push monster that was created back then. It still controls my life.

How do I find a solution to this fear of abandonment and the desire for intimacy that tears any potential relationship apart?

I have read a small library and have gone to many retreats promising enlightenment,to no avail.
I stumbled onto Jonice Webb on the internet and ordered her book. Bang,right on the nail. I had always felt unloved and empty. I never strived for anything for there would never be any support or encouragement.
I went to a therapist and was excited to show her the book. She was not interested. I guess it will be a long time coming before CEN is more widely acknowledged. Kind of like going back 200 years and asking doctors to wash their hands,or trying to explain to the learned that the world was round and the earth revolved around the sun. Jonice webb could be like Martin luther going up against the pope. We have this huge psychiatric institution so firmly entrenched in its ideas and lack of humility and get their backs up with any ideas threatening the established dogma and piety . The establishment is sick and a lot of those who practice within it. Take the church for example.

The worst part for me is that my parents will never know my truth, they will never understand that I was neglected emotionally, even my siblings, we were all treated differently by our parents. I believe that every sibling, depending on their birth order grows up in a different family. Because I was the oldest child in this dysfunctional family, I took on the brunt of the abuse and also acted in the role of therapist for both of my parents at a young age..

I was provided with a typical suburban childhood, piano lessons, camping trips. but there was real emotional deprivation from both of my parents side, because they were both too wrapped up in their own issues ( my mother, for worrying that my grandiose , distant father was cheating on her) ( my father, for his own loss of his mother at the age of five, and being raised by an abusive stepmother) to raise me up and pay attention to me, they never helped us with our homework, went to any of our sports games, rarely attended church with us.

My mother developed severe mental illness, became paranoid and mean, and overtly abusive to me. My father divorced her when I was 16 and my brother and I went to live with him, while my younger sister went to live with my mother. My dad taught me how to judge my self, and others, I learned to stuff down my feelings, he never let me develop my own view of the world, just his own views. He would take me out to dinners, just me and him, so he would have an audience, about his own life, his past, his background, his view of the world, long speeches. I had to listen attentively, and of course had to agree with all the things he said, otherwise, I felt i would be kicked out. I also felt special going out for these dinners with my dad, having his attention, not realizing that he was using me to exercise his narcissism, that he truly was not interested in me as a person, he was just using me as an audience.

My father is a very successful businessman, it is unfortunate that in this society that if you are successful with money, or n business, you are looked up to and seen as a “good person”. His employees all love him, think he is a kind and gracious employer, he thinks that he himself is a great man, built himself up from nothing. He was the hero for “rescuing us” from our mentally ill mother.

I travelled for much of my twenties and worked abroad as a nurse, I fell out of favor with my dad, when I was in my mid thirties, unmarried and childless, then he dropped me, no more speeches, never calling to see how i was doing., I did not meet his expectations, he seemed ashamed of me. He was with his third wife at this point. It was not until then that the house of cards fell apart, it dawned on me how bad he made me feel inside, ECN is insidious, he negated my feelings, never taught me to speak up for my self or what I thought, and that opposing views that were not his would be heard and appreciated but disregarded, negated. He has always insidiously eroded my self confidence, did not respect my emotions and prevented me from growing up properly, he would say one thing and do another, He never provided me with a template, a sound role model for what a good man is, I married in my early 40s, and had a child. Now he just LOVES his grandson, he loves babies and small children, probably because they are sources of attention, and children can’t turn away from his words, he is also living out his own childhood when he sees a young baby. He is only capable of serving his own interests and viewing the world from his own self serving perspective.

My husband has a very similar background of emotional neglect as me, we have had a lot of problems in our marriage, as I get better and I now understand why we were initially so attracted to each other. He also shares a lot of characteristics of my father, cold aloof, hard to disagree with, but we are both survivors, I understand him, and he understands me, he does respect my space and I respect his space.

I won’t share with my father the emotional neglect I experienced with him. He will disagree with me, say we had a much better childhood than he did, and I should be grateful. I would have to explain point by point what he did, and he would refute every word and steamroll the conversation, like he always does., I don’t have the energy for that.

Rationally I know that it is in my best interest to forgive him, ruminating over the past and being triggered is a hard state to be in . – but my inner self does not feel this way yet. When he passes away ( he is 70 now) I don’t know if I will mourn him. I am a good person, a kind and loving person, who had to raise herself. To be disconnected from him sets me free.

I didn’t quite realize I was emotionally neglected as a child (and even an adult) until I really started to explore my feelings deeper last year – my anger always stemmed from long-standing childhood wounds that never healed. I had set many boundaries with my mother- I first let her know I didn’t want to hear about her problems with my father, and she became enraged at me for that. Then, I slowly stopped taking her calls-I would become physically drained after listening to her endless complaining on the phone to me. I would communicate to her through email mostly. Then I moved away- about 1000 miles away. I thought that would help somewhat, and it did, but I would still get emotionally effected- triggered- by both my parents when I spoke to them. After a very difficult year in 2014, I literally had lost most of my possessions, my business, and my health, and my parents were not there for me. They didn’t call me to see if I was even alive- instead my mother emailed and told me about how she lost money gambling the week before. That pushed me over the edge- it was at that moment I realized my Mother may have a mental illness; to not even realize her daughter was suffering severely and she was more upset about losing a few bucks at a casino. Right then and there I knew I needed to protect my emotional health better from them and wrote them a letter. I told them I loved them, but I was extremely disappointed in them and said I was better off without them. I divorced my parents and haven’t spoken to them in almost 2 years. Although it was the right thing for me to do, I won’t deny that it was extremely hard to let them go from my life 100%. They never reached out to me after my letter- but then again, why would they. I realize now my parents don’t love me, and I don’t think they even love themselves. I’ve never heard them ever say “I love you” to me, or each other. I do believe we have a Soul family in our life- people (strangers) have offered me more love, kindness, support, and encouragement than my birth parents ever had in my 39 years of life. I value those people – my soul family- so much

I am a mother of a teenager of 17 years old that lived only with his father for 7 years (from 8 until 15 yeas old). The reason it was that his father made my life so hard, that I left my own Country to be able to survive, financially. I got out of the divorce with nothing and I did fight for 3 years, until the my son made 8 years old. Then I took my chances in another Country, leaving my son behind. My ex-husband stayed with all our money (and it was a lot), so I believed he would be very well financially and he would take well care of our son. I requested only one thing: no problems on my monthly visits. Though, his father did place problems and last years I was only seeing my son one time a year, for only 15 days. At the same time, his father neglected “my son”, emotionally speaking, but also clothes and food (dinner, because at lunch it was on the school). Sentences like “You are no good for anything” or “You don’t have an opinion” were frequent. My son learned to shut his mouth and hide his feelings.

Almost 3 years ago, I flight to my Country and I got my son back. He was not well psychologically and physically. He has asthma and his father never gave him anything for it, or went to follow-up medical appointments. At this point, my son is with me, but I don’t see him getting over this past situation. He is in a psychologist now, but I don’t see any improvements. What I see it is wrong is: low self-esteem, unable to express good feelings, no motivation for anything except playing games and watching movies. Since we changed Country and we are going to do it again (now to the United States), I am worried how can he follow his studies, since he is going to be out of Europe without an high-school diploma (he will have to do the GED in the US). Please advice, if you can.

Our family was quiet. Country folk. Scandinavian in background. One talked little. When a tragedy occurred, talking stopped. In our family, my 11 year old brother died when I was aged 9. We were struggling anyway, but that put my parents over the edge. I had no parenting from that time onward. That was the beginning of a life in, what I choose to call, “The House of Untold Uncertainties”. I was just expected to do what I was told, and to “be seen, and not heard”. My implied question of, “What am I, chopped liver”?, was met with killing silence. I know that we missed out on each other, as survivors. I want to develop a life that is dear to me, and to at least, one other, before it is over.

Hello! I’m impatiently waiting for your book to arrive, but before I get it, I have some questions that don’t leave me:
I feel this is connected with attachment theory. With a narcissistic parent, with family separation, with anxious-avoidant / disorganized relationships between caregivers and kids. I’ve been studying a lot of this, and doing inner-child work, feeling my feelings and learning to love myself more. But I’m still attracted to (and chasing) people who are unable and are unwilling to meet my needs, where I find myself wanting to give all of myself. I’m a fan of Alice Miller, Teal Swan, J. Bradshaw and other authors who tap deeply into the topic.

What is your opinion about romantic dynamics of CEN and how can we love ourselves into change of these dynamics?

Thank you!

any comment you may care to give to show links between CEN and increased risk of addiction problems in later life would be welcome Dr Webb.

I believe the blind spots left by CEN have lead to my own long history of heavy cannabis use, started properly when I was 24, now approaching 40. My desire to not smoke has lead to a lot of learning (but not evident outward results) in recent years.

I’ll throw this additional question into the arena here, aware that there simply isn’t the availability of background research to throw me back a clear answer, but…. it’s to do with connection between healthy emotion and the thyroid gland – my intuition has told me for some time now that my hypothyroidism (underactive) -(diagnosis at age 23, unusually, cos I’m a man, albeit a very sensitive, yet heterosexual, one) – is connected directly to CEN. Has anyone else mused upon the connection meaningfully? I suspect Chinese styled physicians might come forth with opinion on this more readily but i don’t know…

Life has been a struggle for me most of the time since leaving home, I also see the havoc the CEN affect has wreaked on my wider family on the maternal side, isolation, obesity, addiction, suicide, all connected I believe. I’ve tried discussing this with my parents without success, the opposite actually..

If there’s a silver lining to this little story cloud it’s at least my understanding now that emotion is like water, it’ll search a way to get out if it can. It found an outlet in music for me, which became my profession, I can play very emotionally and do, it’s what’s gets me hired and around the globe, but that’s no substitute for human connection. I must have done 30,000 miles this year, played at Carnegie Hall NY so I can officially stop practicing, fine, but I’ve got not a friend who calls for a chat…it’s the rat park experiment in slow motion ….

Next life I’ll have this stuff down in no time! (& that’s not a goodbye note lest anyone read it so)

Thanks for your work Dr Webb.

Disclaimer – i genuinely know and believe my parents to be good, wounded, loving people..as are we all, to some degree

I’ve just been reading your book, and from the start I felt that you were talking about ME! I answered “yes” to all of the questions in your quiz. But when you started about stuffing down your emotions, I began to doubt that this book was for me. My problem has always been that I have too much emotion and for much of my life have been unable to stop myself from expressing it. I’ve always been told that I have a face like an open book… everyone knows what I’m feeling just by looking at me. I think the fact that I am 70 years old is significant in that I have been on a very long learning curve as far as my emotions are concerned. I do have discipline and am able to deny myself the things that I feel are detrimental to my health, but even though I am able to push through doing things that I really don’t want to do, I know inside that I am just a big phony.

I also have given too much of myself over the years, and as a result have been taken advantage of. I’ve had many relationships in my life that were unhealthy (and sometimes unsafe.) My friend of 40 or so years expressed it this way: “It’s as though you feel that you don’t deserve any better.” She’s right! Every time something bad comes my way, I feel that sinking feeling that by now is very familiar and almost comforting, because what else could I expect? I certainly don’t deserve anything good.

Of course, intellectually I know that’s a load, but deep inside that’s the way I feel. I had a childhood that was considered normal, but came away feeling that I was flawed in some way, that my feelings and interests were not approved of and I should try to conform to my mother’s ideas of what I should be interested in and feeling. As a result of her snooping and reading my diary, I learned that privacy was not allowed in our home. The feelings I had discussed in my diary she deemed inappropriate for “a good little girl.” I grew up without any boundaries and wouldn’t have recognized one if I had fallen over it. Mom didn’t recognize any boundaries where her kids were concerned, but she certainly established them with regard to herself.

I could go on and on, but I think you can get the drift. My problem now, at 70 years of age, is that I am so afraid of falling into another hurtful relationship, I am in danger of becoming closed off altogether. I’m trying to keep my core group of family members and close friends, but they are the only people I have any contact with. As a result of a lifetime of bad relationships with men, I no longer have much regard for them at all.

I hope to start therapy soon through our province’s mental health system, and I will discuss your book with my therapist. Thank you for recognizing CED and for providing useful information to people who suffer from it.

I’m so happy i found this website because i believe i was emotionaly neglected, i have bought the book, running on empty and can’t wait to read it. I feel messed up by my childhood and feel alot of resentment towards my mum but i also feel guilty for feeling like this because i know that she loves me and she is mentally ill and could not cope. My mum has severe schizophrenia and she was unmedicated until i was put in foster care at age 7. She was a single mother and would not let my dad see me as he did not want to be with her anymore, i feel like she totally disregarded my emotional needs by keeping me from seeing my dad for her own selfish reasons. I also feel like she was ignorant to my emotional needs by treating me like a baby. As i got older she did not encourage my development in any way, she talked to me like i was a baby, she pushed me about in a pram even when i was 6 years old. When i was in primary school she turned up during break and made a scene by shouting at the teachers. I’m now 20 years old and have depression and anxiety and alot of issues. I’m looking foward to reading the book, running on empty and i am also thinking about seeing a therapist to work through my issues.

Hello all of you wonderful commenters! I love to see all of your questions and comments. Unfortunately I’m not able to give you personal advice. But I have started a new online CEN Recovery program. In it, I’ll be answering a lot of the questions that you’re asking. The first two free videos are already available and the third will be next week. The 3 videos will only be viewable until 11/5 so watch them soon. Here’s the link to the first one. Just enter your email address to watch it, OK? Take care!

http://fuelupforlife.kajabi.com/fe/83284-why-you-are-running-on-empty

Dr. Webb,

Do you have any advice or reference material for assistance with an unusual situation – My mom is in her 70s (father deceased), I am in my 50s, after a lifetime of mostly dealing with CEN.

My mother recently had a heart attack, along with what she claims was a near death experience. Suddenly now after all these years, she wants to be close to me, spend time with me, get to know me, etc. She even went so far as to say she wants to spend time with me before she dies 🙁

I am sure this is helping her soul, but is foreign to me and I am trying to figure out how to respond. I am not so cold as to reject her gestures of reaching out, but it’s causing a bit of conflicted feelings for me.

Being an ACoA (from my perspective CEN to the max)I will be re-reading your book. My husband has all the characteristics (though he doesn’t “get it”). His family history supports it. His “stiff upper lip” stance is hard on my inner child. And being a man, he wants to “fix” me, and when he doesn’t know what to do to make me feel better, it upsets him.
Since my grandson was born I’ve noticed how things have been triggering me more than ever. I guess I see my neglected child every time I look at his precious face. It was suggested I try EMDR therapy. I’ve had three sessions, and am wondering if we have a therapeutic relationship. When uncovering feelings and memories, he felt I wasn’t in a healthy enough place (I suffer from depression)to work on my unresolved trauma. I’ve been working on being more positive by listening to affirmations etc. trying to heal my inner child. I have been on SSRIs for 22 years, could they be having a negative effect after all these years?

I was subject to CEN and struggled but learned how to get by and I thought I had recovered. I was flattened by a virus,and during a 10yr battle to get well lost most of my memory for about 3yrs. As it came back I was different,much of what I had thought now seemed deluded,who was I?

I seemed to have shed much of my early conditioning and with it the justification for who and what I thought. I am rebuilding a life but like one washed up on an alien shore from a wreck.

This is a bizarre place to be and I don’t even know what to call it just as before finding CEN I didn’t have a name for what had happened to me.

I am a surviver but even we need help sometimes

Dear Dr. Webb,
I read a few pages of your book, Running on Empty and since I am definitely a child of CEN, (all my siblings are) I’d like to know if you had written a book specifically for adults. Since my child is now 18, I rather not read about what parents need to do. I’d like to know how I can help myself. At age 52 I am still struggling! My siblings are worse off than I am.
I have been to therapy over the years without much success.
Thank you for your support.
Sincerely,
Andrea

I think raising awareness for emotional neglect is even more important than I realized before, now that I have worked on my own experience with it.

In my view, there are 4 reasons why it is so important to raise awareness of emotional neglect in contrast to emotional and physical abuse.

1. It is more widespread than abuse.
2. It is not recognized as readily as abuse.
3. It is not treated as efficiently as abuse.
4. It can be healed more completely than abuse. (It is possible to “fill the tank” when that wasn’t done in childhood, but as abuse is an act, it is not completely reversible.)

Therefore, I am very grateful for your work and hope you gain much support for it.

For the first time.. I understand what has been torturing me for the last 62 years.. I have always felt like a loner. but always wanted to be in a group and part of a group, yet I felt no wanted nor liked me.. even today as a member of a BOD with 4 people, I feel as if I am always the last to know and the outsider, only being asked to be on this BOD because they did not want someone else to ask… I still think this is true. I want to be included in the worst way and yet if they do something without me, it devastates me… this has made relationships almost non existent in my life. I throw away friends and never speak to them again…I was the unwanted girl for my mother… air kisses and no hugs still continue… my brothers are much more emotionally intact and have scores of friends as do my children.. thank goodness.. This gives me hope that I am not crazy or depressed… this will help me understand my actions..why I no longer am close to any of my friends and why I would do anything to be accepted. I am hoping these feelings can be reversed… 62 may seem old, but I still feel like the 25 year old standing outside her circle of friends.

Your book “Running on Empty” described many aspects of my CEN very precisely. It was of great help of me in understanding the roots and consequences of my denial of emotions.

There are two points in which my experience doesn’t quite fit into the framework of your book and other readers migth share:

Regarding the definition of CEN, you rightfully stress the part of the parents’ failure to attend ENOUGH to the child’s emotions. However, subsequently you focus on the reasons why parents don’t do enough and do not elaborate that this ENOUGH is different for every child depending on their biological make-up. So, children in the same household who receive the same attention can be differently affected.
As in my case, I had very strong anxiety that was never validated, discussed or addressed and therefore struggle with CEN while my sister has less problems even though we received similar attention.

Secondly, the struggle with self-discipline is something I experience as well even though I had clear guidelines and structure when growing up. So I think there might be something else at work than the lack of exposure to structure, maybe a lack of reward because one never feels at ease even after having completed the task.

Thanks so much for writing the Running on Empty book. It gave me a perspective that I never had before . I’d always known I was pretty neglected, but didn’t have an idea of where I was on the spectrum. The CEN did a lot of things including delaying my mental and social development, which only added to the neglect. I used to think I must be autistic or something, but all the tests said I wasn’t…

Even therapists I’ve worked with didn’t pick up on that (CEN) as probably a root cause. I took your questionnaire on CEN. I got 22/22 and I would change most of the “sometimes” words to “usually”.

One thing I’ve often wondered about is the sinking feeling I get when something is going (or going to go) wrong. I’ve heard other emotionally neglected people mention it but I didn’t see it in your list.

For me that feeling is a lot like extreme social exclusion, like being picked last for a sports team or being obviously excluded from a social event. I think my feelings probably started with those causes, but now they seem to occur for many things that seems threatening.

I’m wondering if you’d consider this a common symptom for someone with CEN ? It’s very challenging to deal with. Problems that many people deal with reasonably well can feel unsurvivable to me. I really do mean unsurvivable like something just beyond my knowledge/experience (and be extension my ability to avoid it) is going to destroy me somehow.

I would guess this would be extreme for most people with CEN , I’ve talked to others that have hinted at something similar, but I think most people can wall it off better than I can. Seems kind of PTSD like….

Thanks for providing a place to share. One therapist I shared only part of this with with became so uncomfortable that I ended up counseling him for the rest of the session. I didn’t go back of course.

I was raised by parents who were both severely abused as children, and my mother was also abandoned by her mother as an adolescent. Dad was passive and fairly distant, mom was preoccupied with her own problems, including serious depression and anxiety. Both are good people who probably shouldn’t have had kids. I don’t remember much real emotional connection or guidance as a child, and I’ve felt lonely for as long as I can remember. I always felt that my needs or concerns were minor compared to what else was going on. I guess I knew we weren’t normal, but I knew it could be a lot worse, and I’ve always felt guilty about any criticism of my parents, knowing what they went through. I was very self destructive as a teenager, but have found a lot better perspective in the couple of decades since. I don’t think I’m emotionally stunted on the inside, but I feel like I need someone else’s permission to express my emotions or thoughts, or even talk about what’s going on in my life. Asking for help is almost out of the question. My fear of rejection and sense of isolation have gotten in the way of forming friendships, and keeps me emotionally distant from my fiance, and I’m tired of living this way. I’m pretty skeptical in general, but I’m going to order your book and see if it doesn’t have some insights that are applicable to me. Thanks.