10 Question Quiz: Do You Need Better Boundaries With Your Emotionally Neglectful Parents?

My parents were and still are emotionally neglectful, but they aren’t narcissists or sociopaths. I think it might be helpful to write about the difference if you haven’t already. It’s taken me a long time to piece it all together but I’ve discovered that my parents both genuinely love me but because of their own pasts with neglectful and even abusive parents, they never learned how to parent in a loving and affirming way. This is not their fault. They are doing the best they can. I do keep my distance to a degree but I also spend time with them.
But there IS healing and hope available, and it’s not only found through cutting negative people out of your life. That just leaves a hole and you’re bound to fill it with something negative.
I appreciate this page and all that you’re doing to help people.
Blessings ❤️

Unfortunately my parents died 25-33 years ago. As I look back, my parents Sociopathic. As child I was needy, and as parents they were needy particularly when it came to money or other family members. When I was in it, it was difficult to see. Now that they are gone, while there are regrets, therapy has so far been helpful in dealing with my parents.
I need to get and read your book.

Thank you for writing such insightful articles. I never had a term for how I was raised until I started learning about CEN.
Almost five years ago I decided to stop communication with my mom. I told her I would always love her and that I am not angry at her but I just cannot deal with the her drama anymore. She has tried to reconnect several times but I’m just not interested in being sucked back into her web. She has all the signs of a narcissistic, sociopath.
I do feel guilty sometimes that I no longer have a relationship with her. But then I remind myself my mental and emotional well being are more important. I’m a happy, healthier person this way.

I have chronic health issues, and have never been able to work full-time, which has kept me living with my parents my entire life. I’m in my early 40’s, now, and struggle with all of the things mentioned in this article. There doesn’t seem to be any hope for someone like me. I can’t afford counseling, and fear that I will be stuck in this unhealthy environment forever.

The only way to truly heal from a narcissistic mother is to cut all ties so you can begin a process of becoming the person you were meant to be. It takes time to undo the damage.

I have been working through the disconnection with my mom all year. At first I was blaming her, then I blamed myself for being the same with my kids. Now I am in a better place of acceptance of what is. Allowing everyone to be and letting my children know that I had something fundamental missing inside myself raising them. It is my greatest hope that perhaps the cycle stops with me and my children’s children (if they have any) get the care and emotional attention from my daughters, that I could not fully provide then, but am getting more attuned to now. Changing the way I think and feel is all I have power over really, in communing with my mom and my daughters becomes then about my present intentions and ability to connect. I have let go of the mom I never had and strive to see her value and in turn see mine more clearly. My daughters have their whole lives ahead of them, and my mom and I still have plenty of breaths yet to take.

A fifth possibility for delayed individualidation: one or both parents described any opinions different from their own as “evil.” -.-;

If any advice could be included for if one of your parents is a narcissist and/or you haven’t been able to move out, it’d be much appreciated.

My father died in August. He tricked us into moving–all of us to Hawaii. The house was full of hoarded junk. The roof was destroyed in one part of the house. Once we got there, we were obligated to provide 24/7 care. We all have PTSD from domestic violence and two of my kids have Autism. He was completely impersonal–we were his caregivers that he owned. Brought back a bunch of childhood memories that I had put distance from by moving to the mainland. I was kept isolated from others–just like in your article. So painful. I lost it–he had so many flying monkeys who wanted us to get with the program. He had cancer and it seemed he didn’t care about knowing us before he died–he wanted to figuratively stand on our shoulders to keep from drowning. He had diabetes and was drinking 1.5 liters of Merlot in a night and nurses, doctors, and flying monkeys (who wanted him to have his wine) were blaming me! I made him sign a waiver and greatly limited the wine . I would be held liable in the case of an unattended death, one nurse said. I drove him to all his appointments–3 a day–he wanted to live forever. He fawned over my Autistic daughter who ran from him-and he ignored my boys–the middle son did everything he could to help me through the mess. The youngest didn’t even exist to the man–and then he scapedgoated him to ear brownie points with my daughter who fights with her brother sometime.
You mess with my kid , you treat me like a wife you want to sleep on the floor of his room {by his giant bucket of urinals}
He sat in his special poop smeared chair for meals on wheels delivered at 12 noon. I was expected to cook his meal at 3 so he could be finished at 4 so he could watch his news at five.
We had been going to community college; taking A+ CERTIFICATION courses. He did not really care. Nurses came when I said that what he wanted–said he wanted the death pill that came available but no doctor wanted to sponser and I refused to what i would have to do. We told them we couldn’t change the diapers of a man who molested me as a child; Next thing my mother sleeps on the couch permanently. He tells me he only stays with her because of the kid (me). But the oddest aggravating thing that happened when I was my only child self with them they usually met one of my “little friends” and he’s imprint on them. And fixate upon them. Even the cat was better than me. My mother was sadistic but my father was in total control of her and he quite literally felt entitled now for all the caregiving he needed and couldn’t afford. I left my job to take care of us, my job ended.He wanted me to go down to the store, pic out only his food and then give him the receipts. Ours was separate. Financial abuse–he did it to my sociopath mother. Finally he gave us the money card to buy food. He was in a hospice home six months. We are glad he’s dead. We are glad it’s over. I wish it would have been better–here’s a place at the table, Dad. Meet your grandchildren you never knew–except my girl who was one he fetishized–and you beautiful sons.
He had the nerve to complain that my kids were helping him to help me–not because of himself–told the flying monkeys.
The nursing home said we didn’t have to visit him–his flying monkeys did for sure. We did not wish to participate in our own gaslighting. Some of his friends stalked us because they lived near. He got his friends to buy himself a bunch of thing–6 of everything: shavers, electric toothbrushes, a dozen blankets and more.

Thank you so very much for your insightful emails. I have always had conflicting thoughts and didn’t understand why or what they were. I bought both of your books and they have been the key to some major breakthroughs in my relationships!

There’s one other scenario that happens to be mine: My mother blamed me for being a breech birth and never forgave me for “nearly killing” (hers and Dad’s words) her during labor. If I was encouraged for anything, it was to not do what I really wanted and needed to do for myself. This is a ridiculously confusing scenario to figure one’s way out of.

You hit it right on the head!!!!!!! Lights are going off. Wow!!!!