9 Steps to Reach Your Emotionally Neglected Spouse

CEN adult in denial, yet communicates experiences/memories that are so obviously CEN…

When a CEN affected adult transfers (in his mind, and in behavior patterns) the hurt and anger he holds for his mother who neglected and manipulated his development (her love and acceptance is conditional of her approval) onto his spouse… and spouse continually pushes back rightful accountability to his mother…

Result: Emotional wasteland
He builds his resentment wall taller and taller each passing day, and the target of all his woes? His spouse.

Refusal: He refuses to even hear about the concept of CEN being potentially responsible for the relationship struggles all along (marriage and with his own children), preferring to just blame spouse for all.

Spouse isn’t CEN, wants her children to grow in safe, secure, responsive home where the children’s needs and preferences are equal in value to the adults. Wants her union to be emotionally connected and flow. Wants to recognize and help emotional needs of all. Aches for children, longs for her own needs, and experiences such sorrow for her partner.

What then?

My husband and I have each listened to both of your books. My husband is the one who exhibits CEN. Our therapist recommended your first book which lead us to both. I see him trying. He has started to say what he wants. But as far as emotions or emotional connection it still feels a long way off. I’m trying to be patient. Can you help me know how long it takes someone to become more emotionally connected? Looking for hope to hang on.

I just discovered your work this weekend and I feel like you are speaking directly to my feelings and experience. The tears are flowing and finally it feels like the missing pieces have been found after years of feeling alone, even when I am surrounded by people who I know actually love and support me in healthy ways. Thank you!

I feel the affects of this neglect is present at all stages of all relationships. I am constantly hearing from girlfriends, friends and family that I am hard to get to know they don’t know if I’m enjoying their company or not and people can’t tell if I am interested or bothered. Girls I am very attracted to tell me they thought I was disinterested when we first met and my GF of 6 years asked me if I really loved her and I said “I think so”. I feel so opposite of those around me, I feel like I am putting a lot of effort into relationships and am often exhausted by being around people. I am also very slow to warm up to people, I see others meet, have a passionate romantic relationship then the honeymoon fades and they breakup in the time it takes me to say “hi” to someone and maybe consider asking them out.

My therapist recommended I read Running on Empty. My parents covered about 9 of the CEN characters. This is a very difficult process, but I am NEED IT!
One thing I would really like you to address is the situation where both spouses had CEN.

Keep it going!
Reen

My husband has previously told me I was ‘too emotional’ and that logic is the only truth. Now we have a completely emotionless relationship as I have suppressed my emotions to maintain the status quo.

Thanks for your helpful approach, Jonice. I already understood quite a lot through “Schema Therapy”, but your books have helped me understand a lot more and also to make wise and compassionate decisions about my relationship with my Mum. It is very sad and even tragic – but I believe our mental health system with its individualistic, diagnosing brain and thoughts centred centred model often also communicates a similar subtle but powerful message: Your feelings don’t matter and they also add “You are the problem and the cause of the problem” which is extremely damaging. I wish that a frame of “emotional distress” rather than “mental illness” would become the basis of more counselling and interventions.

Dr. Jonice Webb,
I know I was raised to keep to myself and out of the way and as a only child (SO I thought till found out I had full blooded sister one year younger who was adopted out at birth, 18 years of lies) and also being taken advantage of by my step brother 10 years older than myself who was in and out as a child I was poor in farm town very small and I know it was covered up. I know my parents worked hard to give what was needed. I know it effects me but I feel like I’m being week if I think oh I have CEN. I am emotionally harder than most men I’ve been told. I have a problem being week or being a “Nancy” so I say. I have a hard time excepting gifts or dealing with “mushy” issues. my family is very deal with it yourself as I never I told of the horrid harassment during school years I endured. I just don’t feel I could ever just be a “Nancy” or not be hard core and I know it hurts my relationships with the shrug it of don’t squirt tears about it attude and I’m 37 maybe too late. now I have been sick can’t work and depending on a man to help me and it’s not going well. I mean he’s so emotional compared to my angry output and do it myself tude. any advise?

I’ve been reading your articles (and books) for the past year. Each one really hits home. I know I have CEN. I just can’t unravel it. Growing up, my parents were consumed by their own issues. I didn’t even live with them until 1st grade and even then felt like an outsider. Like I didn’t belong. I can see the affects. In me, and in my young adult children. Im trying to fix it but get stuck. I’ve tried therapy before but it hasn’t done much good. I know I need help, but there are no CEN therapists in my state. I like your articles because you are direct about what might be going on. I need someone whose willing to say it out loud! Do you have any recommendations?

very revealing insights about my being neglected in my childhood and how i I have transferred that neglect into spousal neglect for my wonderful wife who i have been married to since 1989. I hope I can become more consistently attentive to her needs.

Noticing the paradox of CEN people often misreading emotions (poor empathy) and yet having good empathy (…at least supposedly ^_^; )

Dr Jonice, thank you for bringing awareness to CEN. I have known I was emotionally neglected since therapy in my teens. Unfortunately, I was not taught how to overcome/heal from it. My life continued as it was. What I didn’t know was that it would be the root of the reason abusive men would become a part of my everyday life. Each man being more abusive than the next. My ex husband, brutally beat, unmercifully tortured and sadistically raped me day after day for many years. He currently resides in a fine state prison. He has been diagnosed as a psychopath a sexual sadist and a danger to women and children. He always blamed me for his vile behavior. In learning to love myself again, I stumbled across your book and the info from your expert opinion/advice has lead me down a path of deep healing. I am still learning, still healing from the devastation that my whole life has been filled with. I am nearing 50 so the possibility of spending the rest of my days on Earth as a happier and peaceful person is real. For the first time in many years (48), I have hope for a brighter future! Thank you! Your insight has gone a very long way in my journey to wholeness.

Hello, Im new to this. I have a wonderful man in my life. But he works three jobs as a drug and alcohol counselor. I see him once a week for a few hours. He can never accept my calls, and via text I have explained in many ways the importance behind not only the words we speak but how we communicate when we are away from one another. He was raised in a household where his parents were busy and the nannys raised him, and I am seeing lots of signs that different articles display that show him to be fitting the slots of being emotionally neglectful towards me. Now he wants to have a baby with me, but how can I gain comfort in that when he doesnt acknowledge or shuts down or gets defensive any time the conversation gets “real”. While we are in the same room and talk about things he seems to realize the impact of my words with the emotion to back it in plain sight. But how about the other six days and 20 hours of the week? And as a therapist…. do you think he realizes his own struggle? I genuinely care for him and when we are together he vocalizes his love for me, but i see MANY signs and I dont want to walk away I want to work through it. But how do I even express this to him without causing him to shut down? Please help… please. Sincerely, Amy

Hi Jonice. My wife realized recently she lost passion for everything in her life, including me. Since her parents got into an ugly divorced when she was 12, Im pretty sure she has CEN. She shows most of the symptoms described and currently she is going to a professional Cognitive Behavioural Therapist. We decided 2 weeks ago she should be by herself for some months to focus on her (we dont have kids although she stopped taking the pill 10 months ago, when she also claimed she started realizing this disorder. Coincidence?). After 2 weeks not hearing from her (barely one message/week), I told her wether we deal with this as a couple or I’m done. I cant put my life in standby waiting what seems to be at least 1 year of treatment. Do u think it is wise for her to be alone, in a different apartment? Thank you

I have been with my neglative husband 29 years, after saying I Do, it was as if I was like a chair in the rm. I catered to him, talking touching him ect,never got anything back, he put his needs always 1st above mine, I’ve been depressed for years,I feel he stole my life! I begged him not to go on a trip with friends ,because I knew my dad, my best friend was going to die, and I wanted my husband 4 support, well my husband left anyway, my dad died the next morning, and I told my husband ,I’m done with you! And now he wont leave me alone!

I have been married for 9 years to a wonderful man. He is loyal to his family, friends and colleagues. For the last 7 years, I have felt neglected by his lack of interest in our marriage. He often stays away days and nights without calling or even taking my calls. I am at a lost, because does not see the problem.

Great read. My spouse and I have been going separate paths for years. I’ve been emotionally neglected for years. I have tried to work things out he didnt seem to get it. It hurts so bad we are divorcing but remain friends.

When I feel someone honestly and truly loves me I cry because I don’t know what to do and the feelings of being wholly accepted scare me. I feel very vulnerable, like I’m going to get in trouble for being too happy or silly.