The 5 Greatest Myths About Emotional Neglect

Someone had the wisdom to post some time ago an analogy that has helped me put my CEN into perspective and I thank her very much.
Her analogy went something like this:
Going back home to visit with parents and expecting things to be different now that I have an understanding of my CEN is like going to the hardware store in search of bread. I can search all over the store and never find the bread. I can leave and return still looking for bread but I will never find bread at the hardware store. Eventually, I will learn not to look for bread at the hardware store and just accept that it won’t be there, but I can go in and look around at the items they do have and maybe find something I can use.
I will be 55 in October and I think I have finally let go of trying to please my parents. My husband of 30 years and I are empty nesters. He has been very supportive of my journey and I am looking forward to the next 30 with him and not worrying about what Mom and Dad think.
I can walk past the hardware store now and just window shop and be happy with all the things in my life.

Thank you so much for just recognizing and talking about CEN. My parents hardly ever talked to me. Especially my mother. I learned to suppress my emotions. When I was 13 I started feeling so abnormal. I just didn’t know what normal was. I started to get angry and frustrated about it. I of course kept it to myself. My parents were very kind to many people and always got excited when they were with other people. Well on two separate occasions I happen to run into 2 different college students that knew my parents. They recognized me but I didn’t them. They both told me I had the most wonderful parents in the world. Well I of course came to conclude my anger was bad and had to be stopped. A few days later I woke up and could see this tall black wall and at the top was a light. I knew that my parents were on top in the light and I could not see them and had no access to them. This my way of resolving it. Allow them to be good and suppress all my emotions Which I did. There are other times where I suppressed my emotions. I got married but of course have had a very difficult time sharing how I feel even after 44 years of marriage. My wife had 3 kids and wanted to have another child with me but I didn’t want to pass on this awful baggage so we did not have a child. Me and the youngest child who was 2 1/2 when we met hit it off. I found I could express my emotions with her and it was safe. It was wonderful. When she was 13 we had to discipline her for something she did. Her birth dad came over to talk about the discipline. During the conversation the thought suddenly hit me, who am I that her real dad has to argue with me. I gave in of course. Well she left with her dad and I collapsed on the floor and began to weep. I pounded the floor and kept saying, you idiot you have no right to those feelings. I spent many years after that trying to erase all those memories as I had no right to them. This feels so good just to be able to say this!!!

Our mom died when I was 12. My brother was 6 and our sister was nine. Our dad wanted us to have a mother, so he married a woman with 2children, and we 4 moved to their house.
Our stepmother was abusive and emotional neglecting of us 3. Less abuse on me as I was close to high school graduation, but still I see it’s effects on me. Our dad didn’t recognized CEN, of course, but eventually divorced this unhappy marriage and abusive parenting. But this had my brother in the step family from age 8 to his teen years. Our sister would not leave the stepmother and has been estranged from my brother and I for decades. I think that there is no closure from CEN and it affects, but you can heal alot with therapy and introspection.
This was a short version of my CEN story. It took me ten years in counseling for me to cry telling it–I was just trying to cope by burying my overwhelmed emotions for so many years.

“Neglect is a form of rejection,” someone wrote above. That rings true. Being ignored, not listened to, having your feelings and opinions dismissed or disregarded as unimportant, all that hurts in the long run when it happens routinely for years and years growing up. You end up feeling like you don’t matter. Then you might even treat others in a similar way. We all want to be listened to, respected, and treated like we matter. We need that to be healthy.

“The effects of CEN are more like carrying around a weight. The CEN child must push away his emotions. In adulthood, he lacks access to this highly connecting, grounding, and enriching part of his life. He finds himself living in a gray world, feeling alone. Since he likely can’t recall the subtle and invisible emotional neglect from his childhood, he feels innately flawed. He assumes that he is to blame for these struggles.”

This is a quote from the article above and sums up perfectly what my experience has been. The weighty feeling, the aloneness, the blame and the grayness together limit one’s potential in all areas of life. Thanks Dr Webb for so articulately describing the daily reality of CEN.

Hello all,

I would like to share an excerpt from: “The Tao of Feeling – Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame” by Pete Walker, M.A., a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in helping individuals recover from growing up in dysfunctional families.

The following is quoted from Chapter 5: “The Four Essential Processes of Grieving”. “HOW REASON CIRCUMVENTS GRIEVING” (pages 101-102):

“The rational mind can be a tremendous obstacle to recovery. When its logic and reason are enlisted in the service of denial, the thinking mind finds innumerable reasons and ways to short-circuit the grieving process.”

“Americans (Note: Pete is American) are very practiced at convincing themselves that their pain should be dismissed. They routinely trivialize and dismiss their hurts and losses by comparing them to the more dramatic misfortunes of others. Starving children and homeless people are routinely invoked as reasons for disavowing painful feelings.”

“We are also commonly talked out of our pain by being told how much worse we could have it…”

“Using comparisons to rationalize pain away is like ignoring termites in the back porch because the unfortunate neighbours have termites throughout their whole foundation. When pain is ignored because it does not register high enough on the Richter scale of compassion, it does not magically resolve itself. Banished from awareness, it works away destructively in the unconscious as do the termites in the ignored porch.”

“There are many other ways of silencing grief that pass unchallenged as conventional wisdom. …statements like: “Dwelling on it only makes it worse…” “Do something to help someone who is worse off than you!”…”Don’t wallow! Occupy yourself with something productive.”

“Many of us recite these homilies to ourselves in times of pain and, with the best of intentions, pass the same injurious advice on to others. Unfortunately, this advice is hard to challenge because it sounds so rational. Yet it is nothing less than the destructive tyranny of logic over feeling, mind over soul.”

Sending you all kindness, compassion and love.

I was never told I was anything. No one encouraged any talents or interests. I’ve often held jobs that were beneath my potential, because I am so afraid of failing and disappointing others. I am afraid of most other people (though they would never know), because I’m so fragile. The slightest criticism sends me on a downward spiral. I feel like I’m shell shocked.

Thank you all for sharing your stories, it’s like a mirror into my own life. Feels like I have grown up into an adult robot due to being raised CEN. Like Sally, I have acquaintances, but no true friends. I don’t feel lonely, but I know I should. I’ve been told over and over by romantic partners that I’m cold, aloof, unemotional, even during times when I was trying my hardest to be a good partner. At work, it’s like I’m invisible. Etc.

My parents were both physically/emotionally/verbally abusive and also completely aloof. I can’t remember one time receiving a hug or an “I love you” unless there was an audience. “Bad” behavior was swiftly and often violently reacted to, and everything else ignored. Like someone said above, sometimes I wasn’t sure what i was being punished for. But unlike others, I have never mistaken their behavior as “normal” love. I knew I wasn’t loved. I also know that I’ve never developed the capacity to love others. If parents were in a bad mood, there was punishment regardless of behavior, if they were in good moods, we were ignored. I was a straight A student but never received any praise for that. If I got a B, I was lambasted until all hours of the night. I actually preferred, while growing up, to be ignored because at least there was some peace in that.

You may be saying, this is just abuse, not CEN, but I was raised to be seen and not heard. My parents often ate their big meal during the day at work (their employer provided a huge cafeteria at night) and weren’t hungry at dinnertime. If they weren’t hungry, in their minds, my brother and I didn’t need to eat b/c we must not be hungry either. My birthday was often ignored. My mother had a hysterectomy when I was 10, so that by the time I got my first period, she was “over” that part of her life and left me to deal with it on my own. It never occurred to her that I might need guidance b/c it was over for her. She actually resented when I asked for her help, so I only asked one time, then felt too guilty to ask anymore. I had to procure my own feminine supplies at age 12, without an allowance or transportation into the city, which meant mostly stealing them out of the houses of friends/relatives. Not my proudest moments, but otherwise i had to stuff paper towels in my pants. These are just 2, but by far not the only 2, examples off the top of my head where I didn’t feel like a real person with real needs. My father told me when I was 25 that he didn’t consider me a real person until I turned 18. He seemed surprised when I told him that little kids have feelings and needs just like adults. At least that was some validation that it wasn’t all in my head.

I was not allowed to ask for things b/c that was a sign that I was selfish and stingy. Hungry? Keep it to yourself. Need hygiene products? Go without. Have a bad day? No one cares, who do you think you are? Having an issue in school? Deal with it on your own. Angry about something? You must have mental issues. Happy about something? It got taken away. I learned to keep all issues and emotions to myself, which eventually led to violent outbursting as an adult. It had to come out sometime, some way. Again, not proud of that behavior, but I didn’t know what was going on.

In the end, the only thing to do was withdraw as much as possible, keep a low profile to avoid punishments or abuse, and wait to turn 18. Am I still messed up at 40? Yes. But I know none of it was my fault, and I’m better able to deal with “this is what it was, and this is how it is.” They were raised exactly the same, developed zero empathy, were expected to have multiple children by society at the time, but without the capability to reflect on how to be a better parent than their parents were. What is the point of being mad at people who don’t even know they’ve done anything wrong? They ruined the first 2 decades of my life, I refuse to let them take the next 30 or 40. I don’t feel depressed or unhappy so maybe I’m one of the lucky ones? I do feel like I can’t tether a partner into my personal dysfunction, though, I have chosen not to bring children into this mess, and for the most part, not be involved in romantic relationships, seeing as how I just hurt the other people over and over. I’m healthy, strong, independent and living life how I want to at this moment, so at least something good came from all of the chaos.

Sorry so long, just needed to vent.

After reading Soulfulpsy’s professional response, I sat for a while thinking about what was said and the affects of CEN along with overt abuse. Also, I thought about Sandybrook’s comment, ‘I can’t believe you are sane.’ The following is part of my life story.

I believe deeply that if a neglected and overtly abused child, such as myself, is shown love from another source then, that is the one factor that may prevent the child from going insane….

I was blessed to have a grandfather who loved me with all his heart and soul; I loved him equally as much, too. I was nine when he died and I was grief stricken! I went to his grave every week with flowers and the time spent there with him was in the beginning painful and yet a great comfort to me too. I did this for at least the first two years or more after his death when, I then believe that I had come to terms with his loss and had healed. I was able to move on.

I was blessed to have a grandad like mine and to hold such beautiful childhood memories of the many times shared with him. Every time we saw each other he fussed over me and held me in the most loving of ways. Every moment spent in his company were the best moments of my childhood. Grandad made me feel loved and wanted. He made me feel special and whole. We delighted in each other’s company. He had a cheeky side to his nature and we had fun together… we were both silly and sometimes naughty together. To this very day when I think of him I feel a warm glow inside and I still smile at those memories… they’re like flowers that blossom in my mind

Things at home were not good, but at the same time and for the first nine years of my life, I did know love and acceptance. I believe that my brain was being wired in a positive way thoughout those vital and tender years because of my grandad. In essence it helped counter balance the damaging affects of ongoing abuse that was going on at home. Although I have some awful memories of my past and have struggled for the best part of my life, I did know love.

Love is powerful!

Bless you grandad… you were simply the best x

Wow This is so eye opening. I’m now 66 and just figuring out why I am the way I am. I also know I did this to my kids, especially my first born daughter. Makes me feel sick. I am trying to make up for it while trying to get past feeling bitter about feeling so alone as a kid. My generation was raised by parents who thought children were to be seen and not heard.

I was married to a spouse whom I suspect experienced CEN. She was good a superficial relationships and the platitudes and false praise that come with such relationships. But in her relationships with other adults and children/step-children she appeared to be unable to attain any type of emotional intimacy. As others have experienced; no empathy or compassion, and strange as it seems; no happiness or (significant) sadness. The primary/guiding “feelings” were fear, bitterness, and disappointment/intolerance. Family members were seen generically (my husband, my boyfriend, my daughter), as opposed to unique individuals with feelings of (including fears), of their own.

My experience as a therapist with clients for whom emotional neglect is a major theme of childhood is that they often feel half or all invisible…like the Cheshire cat in Alice and Wonderland (without the malevolent smile). Of course, the worst pattern is one that alternates neglect and intense attention. (“What must I do to get more attention?? What can I do to get away far enough to breathe??) Neglect, as with overt abuse, does tremendous damage to the sense of self-worth: “I can’t be worth much if I am ignored all the time.” That is compounded if there is a doted upon sibling. Neglect is a form of rejection, and we are (as a primate) social creatures. Safety is being in the group; rejection is tantamount to death, emotionally speaking. The work of Allan Schore (the neuroscience of the attachment period) shows what happens with things go wrong (e.g., the development of the infant’s brain is driven by the interactions with the mother and later the father). Darcia Narvaez and her colleagues have assembled a great deal of information about childcare for the small band hunter gatherer groups. The first three years is functionally an external womb because human infants have to be born with the brain only 25% developed in order to be born at all. Three years + of close, attentive, nurturing, physical connection. That is a lot to give up.

My dad was a violent alcoholic and the physical abuse from him was traumatising. I was kicked down stairs, punched on the head and hit with such violence that my little body was covered in bruises… this went on throughout the whole of my childhood until I was 18.

Mum wasn’t a hitter, but she hit me with her words on a deep level and left me feeling bad inside. Her lack of empathy, and affection, as well as chronic invalidation ( her normal respnse) of my feelings was equally, if not, more damaging than the physical abuse. As a young girl/woman I struggled to identify with my feelings. I’ve gone through the biggest part of my life not realising what had happened to me and struggling with depressions and failed relationships.

My ex husband said that I wouldn’t know affection if it came along and kicked me on the butt… hard words, yet other’s said I was a very affectionate and giving person. Very confusing! Sad also that I needed other’s to approve of me and to tell me who I was. I can say that I know a great many people on an aquaintance level but, I’ve never been able to form close relationships. I’m a chatty, friendly and caring person, but some have said that they can only get so far with me and then they feel a block. I couldn’t share deeper issues because I didn’t know how to or, indeed, what I was feeling in the first place. In fact it was alien to me. If someone said that I needed to open up I wouldn’t have a clue what they were talking about. Emotions to me were as elusive as a butterfly. Neither did I have any sense of who I am as a person.

It’s been a very painful life for me feeling so confused and living life on the outside and not fitting in and deep withing I felt flawed and bad. When I began to get in touch with my deeper emotions and open up, I was met with scorn and judgements from those I trusted. Now I’m very wary of people. A therapist once said that I need to marry up emotions with my head. What? I hadn’t a clue what she was talking about. There are too many traumas that are buried deep withing my soul and psyche. A clinical psychologist told me that it’s better not to start unearthing the deep traumas because she felt that I’d have a complete breakdown. I think she was right.

So here I stand; a senoir citizen who can now relate and embrace myself with a sense of understanding and knowing. I’ve learned so much but it’s taken a lifetime to get there. I thank you all for sharing and thank you too Dr. Webb for posting your very informative and enlightening article which each help me to understand more each day. Bless You!

Finally, in response to the posting at the top by SCI …. You haven’t a clue!!!

This is so true!! I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Both my parents were emotionally absent. I was alone alot. Even though there were 6 siblings. Clothing, dinners, Christmas Easter were all celebrated together. But Dad was quite, didn’t chat with us, mom was too busy with relatives, terminally ill parents and her hobbies. I was extremely intelligent, bright alert yet not any interest in my education. I thought I was just an independent kid! There was absolutely no interest in me as a person. They never contributed to my accomplishments nor admired them. I was totally on my own. Well dressed, groomed, good nutrition, vacation to cottage country, part of a large family with love, but I was thinking and problem solving.as an adult when I was 12.

Isn’t this just another silly first world problem? “Waah, waah, my parents didn’t give me enough hugs and attention now I’m broken emotionally”. Meanwhile people experience real, life-threatening abuse or circumstances so harrowing they barely survive day to day. You don’t hear third world kids complaining about not being “emotionally acknowledged”; they have problems like getting enough food or water.