Childhood Emotional Neglect: What Your Parents Didn’t Say and Why It Matters

I ran across your article on emotional neglect & came to your website. One time I printed out a list of feelings because I didn’t know what my options were! Needless to say, you have perfectly described my emotional state of being! I’ve been out of therapy for a few years, but what a tool “emotional neglect” would have been when I was in therapy!

As you have said previously: it’s never too late. Now I have my tool moving forward.

Thank you

This is an article I so relate to. What makes it even more relatable is that, growing up I found myself saying these kinds of words to others, including my little brother. I have always been craving attention from my mum (I grew up without a dad around), that I turned into the kind of person I wanted to have for a mum, I think. Today, my little brother is grown, my mum passed away. and my friends are grown and are busy with their families, so now I’m alone, I realise what’s been missing all along. It’s such an isolated, lonely stretch, and I am seeing a psychotherapist now. I am considering mentioned your CEN work to her, although I don’t want to intrude too much on her own practice! Anyway… Thank you for your work, Ms. Webb!

Hi Dr.Webb, Please give us more & more examples of what a parents failed to tell us resulting we suffer this CEN. We never experienced it so we never know. I like the examples you’ve provided so far in most of your articles. It helped me to understand more clearly than abstract examples. Thanks

I cry every time I read your articles, as they ring so true. I’m a 31 year old, highly-sensitive male that failed a suicide attempt 2 years ago, and now back living with my parents, broken. I’m struggling so much with CEN and the deep emptiness that comes from lacking a sense of self. I’m trying very hard to be more self-aware and express my honest emotions, but all the invalidating responses that I get from family/friends makes me feel so wrong/misunderstood/alone, so I isolate further, strengthening the nihilism and depression. Professional help has just led to higher dosages of medications, which just remove my emotions entirely. I just can’t seem to heal fast enough before invalidation, guilt, and doubt pushes me back down, making me think it doesn’t actually matter and that I’m a lost cause. The pain is so very real.

I ask myself if I’m good enough, as this is something I struggle with. But good enough for whom? Me? My parents? I don’t know who I need to be good enough for.
I wonder if you could clarify what the question means, Jonice?

This really resonated with me. My parents were “emotionally absent”. They never asked anything about me, about my day, how I was feeling, nothing. Never showed any interest in me. So I never really learned what I was feeling, or that there was anything about me worth anything. Now, at 51, I can mostly recognize how I am feeling. I still struggle with “am I good enough” and relational issues are a daily struggle. I never had conversation in the home growing up, so I don’t even know how to carry on a conversation. I have never known a deep, personal relationship with anyone.

I grew up in a family that never talked about emotions. Emotions were for the weak. On the outside everything seemed fine: financially I never lacked anything, I excelled in school even though I was always sick. Other than feeling unloved, judged, and not appreciated, the thing I remember most is being afraid of making any sound. I can’t really pinpoint the exact event that made me afraid of making any sound, but I vaguely remember my mom freaking out and beating me when I was a toddler. So, I tried to stay out of the way for most of my life. My parents didn’t believe I was sick and acted accordingly (my parents’ marriage wasn’t a good one; my mom was the one who did the talking and he was the one who was quiet)- they never believed me when I said I was so fatigued I could barely stay awake and would freak out if I took a nap in the afternoon. Since I was so exhausted, I learned to sleep in a chair, so that I could hear them approaching my room and pretend I was awake or that I could respond immediately if they called me. It took more than 15 years to get diagnosed with autoimmune thyroid disease and adrenal fatigue (on top of allergies, asthma, etc). Even after I got the diagnoses, it took 7 more years during which I almost died as a result of wrong treatments, they never believed me. Whenever asked how I was doing (which wasn’t often), I would say OK, there was no point in trying to explain anything while struggling to survive. At my lowest, my doctor said I was just making it up and the only thing I lacked was “having strong orgasms”, and my mom tried to convince me to start taking antidepressants. I honestly have no idea how I was able to go through that on my own. My friends had a hard time believing me, too, and I lost most of them along the way. What helped me was a random Facebook group on thyroid diseases that made me realise I wasn’t alone and that there was hope. I actually think the words that best describe me are “hopeless optimist”. I tried therapy twice. The first therapist was a really nice lady, but she wasn’t able to help me and I only saw her for a month or so. The other lady was terrible. I remember being so judged by her, she kept telling me I let my mom down because I was too sick to finish my Master’s degree. She also kept saying to suck it up and finally finish it not believing I had brain fog and no concentration. I started losing my memory and couldn’t finish my sentences. Once I found that Facebook group, I started reading other people’s stories which were so similar to mine. I was able to implement a lot of the things that worked out for other people and finally felt better. I found a great doctor in another country (I live in Europe) and not a day goes by that I don’t feel thankful to him for saving my life. I should also feel thankful to my mom who paid for that, but I don’t. It’s been five years since I got better, and there have been periods when we were not on speaking terms. Whenever I tried to include her and asked for advice, she would yell at me and my previous “stupid decisions”. So, I stopped asking her anything. I don’t want to spend time with her, I feel like I can’t be myself and I feel judged. I miss the idea of having a mother I could be close to, but at the same time I think there is no reason for me to try to invest my time and my energy in a relationship with her. She accused me so many times of not thinking about her and and her needs while telling people about myself, my illness, and my fears. I never told her about an abortion I had as she was getting ready for a trip to Asia. And, of course, I was never able to have a long, meaningful, and healthy relationship with any guy. Even though all I said seems a little dreary, I did manage to finish my Master’s (at 32 though), I have a successful business, I have a dog I love dearly (and it’s mutual!), I have my own place, and I’ve also started taking into consideration my feelings. I stand up for myself, I am not afraid of telling my mom what I think, but I also try to avoid seeing or talking to her. It’s not ideal, I know I will never feel a part of my family. I would love to have a family of my own, but it still hasn’t happened (I am 40). I like to think that I would be the exact opposite of my mom and that I would not hurt my own child as much as she hurt me. I would like to stop the cycle and raise healthy kids.

I cried at some of what you shared. Unfortunately it’s too late for me my 5 children are grown and don’t want me in their lives.
The upside is that 4 are married all 5 are successful and have good lives.
I myself wonder is this just another loose marble that I can add to all the rest … a life of mental illness struggle pain disappointment in myself and a lot of deep anger.
I tried so hard.. mostly covered my internal struggles my motivation always to do better and provide for my children.
I grieve for them but have accepted their decisions.
Now I have flat lined because I have no one that I need to look after.
Sorry for the war and peace response.
I hope to write a book about my life so I can help others
Lynette

Your book came into my life at a difficult time for me when I realised that my family never acknowledged anything in my life. I spent so long being the pleaser, listener that I forgot all my own needs. It takes work to see your blind spot but I feel more in control of my own thoughts and feel less triggered by criticism. You have enlightened me and I am grateful to pass this knowledge on to others who I now see the same patterns. Thankyou xx

After reading the phrases you wrote I realized that I could never imagine my mother saying any of those things to me. When I heard some positive things it was when she would brag about my dancing or how well I did in school so it would reflect on her as a parent. It would give her credit as a parent and make her feel better about herself. It would get her some positive attention. Her reaction to me always made me feel not good enough. I continue to feel that way a lot of the time and I am 70.

You purposely do not publish comments that point out the errors in your article. Expecting someone to know what they need simply by recognizing what they don’t need is simplistic and erroneous!

When I told my mother I had been sexually assaulted, she said “Don’t tell your dad because he’ll kill him.” I was 10.

Thank you for this. I am nearly 50 and am only realizing now that something critical was missing. I have begun the process of forgiving myself for not giving to my children, that which I did not know I was missing. I have given up the hope my mother will ever know or see me, but I am determined to recreate my relationship with my adult daughters by letting them know I simply wasn’t always present for them but that I always loved them and secretly wish I could do it all over again, now that I understand and love myself for who I am.

Some from me:

“We trust you.”

“Love is not about being good enough.” (Admittedly being a bit passive-aggressive here, but I think it’s important and worth saying. XD; *Conditional* love is the abnormality. …a couple things I thought about while reading. ^_^; I think I now dislike the term “unconditional love because” it makes it sound different from just plain “love”.)

And personally, it seems my parents ask “Are you okay?” at all the wrong times – like they ask it at times when injury is unlikely, or at least likely to be minor, so I get a feeling like they think I’m incompetent or fragile or something. (Tying in with the trust thing. -.-; ) When something really *is* wrong, often they either don’t notice, or they invalidate. … Admittedly, the former happens because I often try to hide in order to avoid the latter, but still, even when I *haven’t* tried to hide, my issues often go unnoticed. -.-;

All Dr. Webb’s posts are great but this is the best one I read. As I was reading, my mind kept going back to situations in my childhood when my parents said nothing. I only received negative feedback from them. When I was a teenager, they never praised me or asked if they could help solve problems. Now, I ignore their ignorance and sometimes ask them to babysit their grandchildren. Their ignorance was huge pressure on me 30 years ago.

Going through this and mental abuse and physical abuse is a living hell. I finally got my freedom from my mom this past September when she passed away, it’s been crazy how much my mental health has improved in just the last couple months. I still have a lot to heal and situations to fix because of the hell I endured, but her passing helped me realize just how toxic she really was, but I always stayed around and took care of her from the time I was a child until the day she died. Sadly, the last 18 years of abuse could have been prevented had DSS not given me back after she picked me up from school while drunk and flipped our car off the road, them giving me back gave her the ability to sink her claws in further and hold onto me. I have a lot of days where I beat myself up for not walking away from her. Staying by her side caused me to lose everything, now at 29 years old I’m having to fight to rebuild my life so I can have my children back, which is another thing she used to hurt me. I’m just glad I placed them out of my home before mom got really bad the last 2 years of her life. I spend so much time giving my children what I never had emotionally and mentally. I have this little thing I do with them, I don’t know if it will interest anyone but I ask them questions that they answer “me” to, like “who is my smart baby boy/girl?” “Who is my beautiful baby boy/girl?” “Who is my caring baby boy/girl?”. I change the questions up, but I always end it with “who does mommy love more than anything in this whole world?” My two typically very excitedly answer “me and sissy” or “me and bubba”. Seeing them light up when I do this makes me so happy.

I just needed somebody to notice that I was in pain and care enough to ask me about what was going on. A couple of events that would have been relatively innocuous in my childhood were rather painful in the moment, and the complete lack of awareness from my parents and siblings sent the message that nobody will ever care or ever be there for me. I set about deliberately and intentionally destroying my ability to feel anything from a very early age to try and make the pain stop, and although my success at this played an important role in my not killing myself growing up, it has of course had spectacularly bad results in my adult life.

I find it interesting that when I take the CEN questionnaire two of my three “no” answers are because my problem is worse than what the question is intended to diagnose, but I see that as a reflection of just how bad things really were for me. The recovery process is often slow, but I keep seeing signs of progress and I’m very grateful for that. Thanks for your work, Dr. Webb.

my parents never communicate with me about my feelings, likes and dislikes.my mother used to say study, don’t do anything. when I was upset, she starts scolding me. when I told her about any issue, she completely denies it. when I was ill, she ignores me. my father never takes an interest in my life but he does come to take credit for good things I did. they compare me with my cousins. for giving me a good education, my mother all the times mentions her favors on me. she expected me to support her financially when I started a job despite the fact she has money. she always preferred her sons to daughters. when I was happy, she compares her miserable past with my life.she never asks to help me in my struggles.

I disagree with the statement in #3 about “always tell the truth” . Part of my parent’s neglect involved being brutally honest without respect for how the information would affect their children. Caring people do not tell children all the truth all the time. I was not protected from any of life’s realities. Example: I did not need to know, at 10 years old, that my mother did not want another child when she got pregnant with me, and was using birth control, which failed.

Julia and Nancy — I so relate to what you wrote. When my parents did say anything, it was “If you can’t act happy then go to your room” or “What’s the matter with you — your sister and brother aren’t upset.”

Once I became psychologically incapable of being my mom’s mini-me at age 10, I ceased to exist. I grew up convinced I was fundamentally defective, horribly ugly, and not worthy of living. This lack of emotional attunement and support led to brutally abusive and controlling relationships with a psychopath as a young adult (but he paid attention to me and gave me lots of rules to “fix me”!). This ultimately ended with me barely escaping with my life and left possession-less and homeless in NYC.

All I ever wanted to hear was, “I’m so sorry (or angry) that happened to you.” But 30 years later I’ve stopped waiting because no one in my family is capable of that type of empathy. So I have had to learn how to give to myself now what I needed back as a child/young adult (thank you, Dr. Webb!). This has been the only way for me to begin the healing and stop hating myself.

I realize now that the overwhelming feeling was “irrelevancy”. My he-man-wannabe father wanted sons. He got all daughters. My mother was a cowering, uneducated woman who, at age 8, was handed 2 toddler siblings to raise. Her idea of success was to find a strongman to take care of her. Neither of them could grasp why that life did not appeal to me, and I was always an unspoken disappointment. I was openly ridiculed for wanting higher education, so I took a clerical job right after high school. Today, I am 67, divorced and no desire to remarry, childless by choice, and had a pretty good career. Now, in retirement, I have my own business. I always felt like an embarrassment to them. Today, I have a hard time finding friends and I am lonely.

My mum used to accuse me of being “too self aware” and told me men were only attracted to women who were niaive and vulnerable. Consequently I found out all about the type of men attracted to naive, vulnerable women. I wish she had told me it’s ok to be powerful.

My dad criticized me a lot. I am an older adult now and he still finds ways to criticize me. Just yesterday he told me how I was in a beauty contest when I was 5. I won. He said it was because the judges were fat and so was I back then. Other than I wasn’t fat, he laughs when he tells the story. When I told him it hurt my feelings, he laughed.
I have decided it is time for me to re-frame the story. My mother thought I was beautiful and she entered me into the contest. I choose to think of my mother’s high regard for me instead of my father’s low regard for me.
My mother will have been gone 5 years this coming May. She noticed when things were troubling me. My father did not.

Wow. since I started following your work I feel like I was reborn. so true about telling myself everything I would’ve wanted my parents to tell me. I was just wondering why it is that we all grew up in the same home and out of 9 siblings I am the only one who relates so much to CEN? does CEN affect different people differently?

This article was an eye opener for me. You’re right that it’s very subtle and hard to understand CEN at first.
It’s encouraging that there are ways to improve and recover over time. I’m 65 and just realizing these truths now.
Thanks for your research and writing on this important topic. It’s really helping me with understanding my life in a different way.
Teri

Hi Jonice,

I love your writing, ideas and “simple” framing of complex concepts.

Having been thoroughly trained as a thinker, I have spent many years re-balancing that with learning to feel too. I’ve come to deeply value working experientially in this terrain, both for myself and with others. And, consequently, it was a surprise to me how much your “simple” framing of your ideas, has helped me. I knew every little wrinkle of my personal map – – – and – – – having the whole map shown to me on one page has been and is very helpful.

I suppose all I’m saying is that I need to balance thinking and feeling 🙂

The quotes that start this article resonate with me. I read them all thinking, “nope,” “nope,” “nope” – – – 🙂

But I do feel antsy re your “How to Give Yourself What You Never Got,” section.

I have developed the capacity to do this for myself – now. And (for me) it has taken years of Gestalt therapy – in other words, sitting opposite somebody else who refused to believe that I was not okay. Having had that experience, I can now, mostly, do some of this for myself.

My concern is that without at least some equivalent “experiential” experience, your “prescription,” is in danger of being overly cognitive/simplistic – – – decide to do something for yourself and you can do it – – – . And (of course), if I can’t manage to do that for myself, guess who I’m likely to blame – – – .

Whilst years of therapy is obviously not the only answer for all sorts of reasons, I think we need to be wary of diverting to the other end of the scale and thus possibly exacerbating the original issue.

With best wishes,
Alan.

Everything Simone said resonated with me and it’s very sad but encouraging to know someone else understands.
It’s hard when you have to do everything by yourself as I’m single and haven’t got anyone I can really call a friend in real life.
My family is large but they all except one have partners and children. That one talks only about herself and I’m the only one that listens.
So at the beginning of the year I bought myself a promise ring to look after myself.
It’s extra hard at the moment but it has to be done. I’ve got a wonderful Bellydance teacher and Psychologist so that helps.
Chin up peeps

My parents were very religious and needed me to believe all that they did and be the ‘good little girl’, so they would look like good parents. I was told to not embarrass them. I wasn’t encouraged to have my own ideas or that anything I thought was valid if it was different than what they thought. I wish they would have said ‘You are a worthwhile person and your ideas and thoughts matter. You are enough! You are loved unconditionally!’ Negative feelings were wrong because it was like that would be admitting that your faith in God wasn’t enough. So one had to pretend that everything was always good.

The CEN I experienced was likely due to both parents at work (and sister busy with her own things since she’s 10 years older than me), followed by parents’ divorce, which led to both mother and I having depression. Mother thought she would help me after she helped herself, but she never came back to me. My depression is probably marginal, and it makes it even harder to convince myself I deserve better, I disregard it when others tell me that too.

I wish my parents had occasionally spoken to me, acknowledged my feelings and individuality, said they loved me and praised me at least sometimes. Instead, they only spoke to criticise all that I was and did, or compare me to my golden child brother and other mythically perfect children, or tell me they would really give me something to be upset about.
Yet they are, to this day, regarded as wonderful people in the community, but who will not admit any responsibility in our family for the gaslighting, threats and denial over the decades.

“You have as much right and ability to feel and do things as anyone else.” Instead of, “People having and doing things are much smarter than you. Other people’s feelings, needs always come before yours.”

“If your parents never told you that you were good enough, then you must resolve this question for yourself. Are you good enough? Listen to your answer, and trust it.”

So if my answer is no i am not good enough (something most victims of CEN feel) then i should trust that i am not good enough?

Wow. The examples are amazing. Not one of those things was said by my parents. This has brought home to me even more the level of emotional neglect in my childhood (and adulthood!). The examples are incredible! Thank you.

That I matter.
That I am worth more than a dirty look .
That my attempts at finding myself were worthwhile events.
That although I am not the child you envisioned, I am still worthy of your love.

All they had to say was, “We know you are trying your best, and we love you for that. You really are a GOOD BOY.”

Instead, they never told me I was anything, so I grew up with no belief in myself or sense that I was anything special, wearing a cloak of shame and self-loathing.

My Husband and his siblings were emotionally neglected when they were growing up. They exhibit no emotion as adults and that makes close personal relationships nearly impossible. I was emotionally and verbally abused as a child and the hardest thing today is that I STILL feel completely “alone”. Even though we love each other very much, my Husband and I just can’t seem to open up with each other. It’s very sad.

I’m sorry I missed the opportunity to participate in what my parents said or didn’t say. The one thing they always said was “I’m so disappointed in you.”