Find Purpose and Meaning Despite Childhood Emotional Neglect

I see emotions as uranium and nuclear power: potentially a superb energy source, but potentially a radioactive danger if mismanaged or hit with a natural disaster from the outside. People do hurt each other with their emotions sometimes. I think one critical component of CEN is when people decide they’re unwilling to do that at any cost, even if it hurts themselves. Of course CEN can accidentally hurt others around them anyway.

Thanks so much, Jonice, for another hugely helpful article!. I was constantly ignored and invalidated by my parents my whole life which made me feel invisible. I felt like I was in a fish bowl like bubble, very detached from reality and when someone would say hello I was totally shocked that they could actually see me. Is this a symptom of CEN? Thanks for your help in understanding this.

I realized and accepted quite awhile ago that my purpose on this Earth was to be the “support” for others and make others feel better about their lives (kind of a cautionary tale) and that is how I make it through each day. I’ve always worked in support (secretarial/lower pay) positions during my “career”. I’m very good at what I do. Not that there isn’t anything wrong with the jobs that I do and we are a necessary part of businesses and to keep them running, but I know deep down inside that I could have had more and I settled for this. Because I don’t feel like I’m good enough or that I deserve something more, despite the fact that I have a college degree. I’m the one that fills in for you when you get to get married and go on your fabulous honeymoon. I’m the one that fills in for you when you have your babies and you take your maternity leave. I’m the one that fills in for you on your fantastic family vacations. I’m the one the one that fills in for you when you and your husband go on your milestone anniversary beach vacation. Yep, that’s me. I never take vacations and I never am out sick. Ms. Dependable. Always there and always willing for you to dump on me and do your job while you live your life.

The bells keep ringing! As I keep reading and listening to You I find solace in a way that I never had. I have real hope. Thank you so much.

I love this. Thank you Dr. Webb

Total eclipse of the heart.
My parents were caring and fine. Other issues broke the child I was.
Maybe i was stupid enough to believe fables. That i too could be a prince charming and would find happily ever after if only I gave 100%. Well I gave. Now im empty. The princesses drained all. They took and took but never gave then discarded what was no longer of use.
I dont blame them, I was the stupid one. Even the ones who still act like im the bad guy for giving up can only be who they are.

One of my earliest fears was being forgotten. Now I know why, it was inevetable and i dont fear it anymore. I envy those who dont feel deeply. Those who can feel happiness over simple things.

What happens when you try to open yourself to emotions, but the only ones you feel are sadness and despair? I have been trying to go down this road, but all that’s happened is that I have become more of a mess than I ever was. All I do is cry all the time, often at inconvenient moments, and I can’t seem to control it. And when it comes to crying — especially when you’re a man — people break down into two categories: those who cry a lot and those who are annoyed by those who cry a lot. At least when I was repressing everything I could maintain some semblance of control. Meaning? Intimacy? Those are just words, they don’t mean anything. I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of being unhappy all the time. I don’t want to do this any more. I just want it to end.

Listen to the song, The Remedy. He is dead on. Life = fulfillment, emptiness, joy, despair. The trickiest part is to let it all go and to be ready to embrace the next phase, yes, death, without expectations. Maybe that is just me, but I cannot recall a time in my existence when it was not about strategically thinking and engineering ones emotions to get from one day to another. I may be off topic here, in which case, i apologise. Bkessings to all.

In reading the articles on ECN, I realized this is what I experienced as a child to some extent. I was thinking this may be why I do not make friends easily, as I have no friends at this time in my life, which I am 56 years old.

so easy to read about, so impossible to put into my real life. maybe some people are just ment to be unhappy? Getting really tired of trying for something that seems so unlike me.

Oh have another go at it Sharon…I was 53 when the shit hit the fan about my memory blanked childhood…I’m in my 72nd year and loving it.
If you know you’re needy you have the demon in sight and its well worth spending time and money with a therapist because that will fast track the changes…Three things you need, faith of some sort, the innate right to love yourself, and the determination to achieve that. What does this “loving it” feel like? A cuddly warmth, so I’m told…Love n light and warmies then…

I can really relate to the whole concept of emotional neglect and I’ve dealt with the many things mentioned in many different ways over the years ( I am approaching my mid-50’s). It’s the “fix it” part that I get hung up on. If it were only that easy. Those recommendations are great for someone relatively young and inexperienced (in terms of relationships) who is discovering why they have difficulty with various things, but for someone who has struggled years and years to have normal relationships and has finally concluded it ain’t worth trying anymore cuz it hurts too much when things don’t work out because you’re (me) so messed up… It’s back to what’s the point? I’ve had to “shut down” because when I did open up it became overwhelming. “Normal” (I really don’t like this word) human beings can’t deal with a person who is so emotionally needy because they are trying to fill that void from childhood. So, unfortunately, I exist and try to at least serve some worthwhile purpose (so here’s more material to research).

Thanks Jonice..Nice site for a bit of space for personal self expression. Reminds me of the therapy group I attended many years ago where I found out there was a whole bunch of us sailing in the same ship called SS Neuroses..lol. But seriously the common factor began to draw us out of our shells as we were encouraged to empathise with our fellow sufferers, and offer tentative help to each other, while being quietly overseen by a Cognitive Behaviour Psychologist. Carrying the lone stigma of seemingly being a fruitcake was much relieved by sharing, because as we all found out it was Ok to be neurotic as a result of whatever the cause, and it would have been abnormal not to have been affected. A lot of us needed to bawl and let off steam, but had got tied up with societal mores of behaviour and duty while ignoring our own shredded feelings. Suitcases of personal baggage about to burst the zip and spew forth all sorts of unlaundered smalls…At that time I had burnt out through overwork…Hmmm… It was helpful then, and looking back now having recently discovered the real causality for my own weird character lay in a blank area called the unremembered darker side of my childhood, then the heat is off. I’d often wondered who I really was.There didn’t seem to be any definitive quality about me other than being a nervy people pleasing jerk whom I intensely disliked. I’d have preferred to be” Somebody” but when I looked inside myself there was just a big weird angry sad space which was more frightening than being a jerk . So jerk to the fore. However, when it became clear that abuse and nurture, or lack of it in my case, was the creator of said sad person, I got on the case making peaceful use of nuclear material, my awful temper, to break that character mould. This was/ is not easy,and it hurt, but with the causality objectified rather being an issue which affected me subjectively ,then proper “lil ole me” appeared….An easy going people pleasing….Person…So much for the hero inside myself, or the giant…lol Nice thing is having free ranging emotions. Sounds like happy chickens.. lol , but having these and a lot more sensitivity both for myself and others has opened up a new way of seeing life, though its not particularly a visual experience, more a kind of empathetic radar. Luckily I’ve always had a default setting of kindness, but unlike in the old days when I was often depressed and emotionally brittle, and could be used, this has now got boundaries and potential abusers well know it. This is written by a person, who spent most of his life enduring PTSD from childhood and the depressing concomitant zero self esteem generated by the condition. Happiness is actually a human right. So lovely peeps go find it within, you’re definitely worth it…Todays good deed was to take my best pal, a girl, to her work, lots laughs on the way making up for the lost time since w’ed last seen each other. I have an ordinary life, an ordinary life is good…

I have suffered and I now see the reason why I am the way I am. I have discovered that I am on the autism syndrome. I am autistic! I believe that my entire family was and is autistic, parents included. People, please consider this possibility for yourself. Then get help from an autistic syndrome specialist immediately, as I am doing. The autistic syndrome is very broad; you don’t necessarily have to have Asperger’s, all you may have is a few autistic characteristics. Some famous autistics are: Dan Ackroyd, Sarah Boyle, Daryl Hannah, Temple Grandin and Jerry Seinfeld.

Growing up getting abused by my father and getting bullied at school, I am used of being called useless, lame, and the like. I’ve always stayed to myself, but one day ppl wanted to be my friends, so I’ve opened up to them hoping I can finally be accepted. I have had a so called best friend for over 4 years and I felt so over joyed… until the day she left me calling me all kinds of bitches and emotional abused me because I had to live with her because my mother kicked me out (that’s another story.) I’ve also asked my first love out just for her to say she didn’t wanted an relationship at the time and ended up talking to someone else the week later… that was fun. The bosses at my old job also hated my guts and thought I was an challenged idiot since I didn’t talk much at work, despite being a good worker, so I’ve quited. I was optimistic and naive at the time, but now I wonder why I’m even here… perhaps to be treated like an used tool in the shed for the time until proven useless, or to suffer and not tell anyone about, because I was told that “I would get over it.”, or “you’re a man, you’re not suppose to show any signs of weakness, unless you’re a pussy.” It felt like I’ve been suffering for so long, that I’m expecting to fail or if I do exceed, will be left unnoticed, like always. I also think that, if I were to die now, would anyone notice or care at all, since we’re all going to die sooner or later? I doubt my death would matter to anyone…

This seems to describe me perfectly, however I am always feeling too much, and I keep wishing I was more numb. I do have difficulties in voicing my feelings, but I think I feel more and more deeply than average. I’m going to try meditation.

I have no identity. All my parenting years I have repeated over and over again to my children “do not end up like me”. I am in amazement and awe of my children’s success. I never take credit or praise for my influence or input into their success. I feel like such a waste of time and space. I know there are people dying of all kinds of illnesses and would give anything to have just one more day, while I grumble and complain and the best part of my day is when I can go to bed albeit 6 pm or 9 pm. Just to have this day over with.

I am responding to those comments who keep saying that what the Author noted about the importance of “fighting” is destructive or dangerous. It DOESN’T HAVE TO BE. That is what the author is saying. “Fighting” does not have to include attacks or abuse. That is what the commentators are thinking “fighting” means–but it isn’t.

There can be productive “fights” and conflict for sure–that in the end, brings couples closer together. That is healthy and productive “fighting.” Not useless attacks, abuse, or the more stealthily dangerous element of emotional neglect and avoidance of conflict or discussion. What Dr. Webb stated about being able to tolerate anger in yourself and others is SPOT ON.

If you came from an abusive or attacking or needy family environment, then of course, anger will trigger all those buried emotions in you. But THAT is the problem–the fact that you have buried these childhood emotions and NOT processed them in therapy.

There is nothing wrong with trying to handle or manage anger in a healthy with for most people. Just because someone is angry doesn’t mean you have to get triggered by it. Notice what you feel in response to the anger in someone else. That itself is very telling and very healing if you can process your own responses to what you perceive as others’ “attack,” “anger,” “need” etc…

It may not all be the OTHER PERSON. It can be YOU, and why you may get triggered by normal human emotions and needs. This is especially true if you had a parent who tried to you get you to take care of THEM instead of them taking care of YOU.

Thank you. Everything in this article rings true to me. Most especially getting an unspoken message almost every day that you arent important and your thoughts and feelings dont matter. That has a lifelong effect on your psyche that is very difficult to shake.

The author refers to a ‘one-sided’ nature of emotions, but only uses one possibility as example. Not only can people feel they need to care for others, but some other people feel the need to be cared for by others and do so with a sense of entitlement that can be truly destructive to other people. Some children who were abused, yes, can go on into adulthood to be more on the abused end, while others go on to perpetuate the abuse, becoming abusers themselves.

This is the biggest challenge I face. I wrote about it here. http://www.hashtagborderlinewhat.blogspot.com/2016/02/whats-point.html?m=1

Thank you so much for this article.

I believe I was emotionally neglected and the major characteristic I can describe that I feel is having a huge hole around the area of my heart that seems will never be filled. I’ve spent my life trying to find ways to fill this emptiness, with no success, and now I’ve given up. I feel very hopeless.