Unintentional Harm: The Most Common Type of Emotionally Neglectful Parents

Thank you for this insight gained through reading about CEN. My parents were raised during the depression. I was the middle child of six. Our whole family began on a foundation of secrets and lies. I cannot recall ever being asked by either parent how I felt or thought about anything, ever. Nor was I ever told that I was loved as a child, not once. My mother and I started building a relationship when I helped her through terminal cancer but we had very little time. My father lived to 97 and I felt almost nothing when he died. I have been perplexed by this but I think I’m beginning to understand. I honestly think that he didn’t even know me as a person, only a vessel to tell his tired old stories to over and over. I never shed a tear and I don’t miss him at all. I know that I did love my mother. Our family looked so normal on the outside but my father sexually abused my sister and ignored the rest of us the entire time we were growing up. My sister was shunned by both parents when she told my mom and it was never talked about, ever. I honestly don’t think either one of them had a clue that we all knew what happened. We endured physical and verbal abuse and neglect from both parents. He even tried to take advantage of my young pretty wife while I was working third shift in a warehouse. He said very derogatory and demeaning things about my job and how I was basically a loser to my vulnerable young wife. Why I didn’t walk away from him forever is hard for me to comprehend but I didn’t. I have felt out of place with my own family and often in social settings my whole life. I could not hold a conversation with any adult for a long time. I worked hard and became successful in my work and worked tirelessly to learn how to hold conversations as my work required it. I experimented with drugs in my younger years and always drank too much until at age 57 my career went down in flames and I went to rehab and AA to try to salvage my marriage and save myself. (Sober 10 years now). I learned so much in AA, most importantly how to express my feelings and discuss sensitive matters with total strangers. I couldn’t believe how I felt when I receive validation from perfect strangers that what I had to contribute was legitimate, helpful and welcomed as good by so many. I took your test on CEN and all but 2 applied. Eye opener. I’m retired now and with more time to read and reflect I find that the more I learn the more questions arise. I am now going to go back to therapy armed with this new understanding of why I am the way I am and see if I can put some of this behind me so I can be free of it for the remainder of time that I have on this earth. Keep up the wonderful and meaningful work. It’s so helpful to so many and I appreciate that I came across your writings. God Bless. Jim

This term is so helpful as I am writing memoirs of my life.
I am in my 70’s and always knew something was missing but never had it defined. Along with being raised in a home that passed down this long initialed diagnosis, I married a man coming from the same environment, along with the PTSD he came home from Vietnam with. Imagine! So all through my life I have been neglected emotionally unknowingly to both myself and to my parents, grandparents, and husband. I purchased your book and I am trying to integrate your gift of insight into what I am writing, both in memoirs and in the book I am trying to write on PTSD.
I funneled all of my emotional energy into creativity. I also, unfortunately, passed the unintentional emotional neglect onto my oldest son. He an I have been split on so many issues, interests and doctrines. He married a woman who also had sever neglect growing up and is doing all she can to heal her self. The grandchildren are a bit withdrawn.

As a grandmother, I am doing my best to emotionally engage them through my writing. It feels like a way to break the pattern of emotional isolation.

Thank you for your life’s work in uncovering such an important issue that has plagued generations all through time!

This article resonates with me so well. My parents did the best they could with the knowledge they had. I was much different in personality and sensory skills. Their growing up environments were much more closed off than I am with them now. It pains me that I even feel a little disappointment towards them. Yet I’d be lying if I said I was always emotionally satisfied growing up. I spent years thinking there was something wrong with me. Now I know that’s not true.

This information is great, but it seems to be the only type of content you share. I was raised by a narcissist and a bipolar alcoholic with narcissistic tendencies.

What advice for those of us who were not raised by unintentionally neglectful parents, but actually neglectful parents who still don’t give a F*&K?

Thank you for this wonderful email identifying my childhood upbringing. My folks, long deceased, were WMBNT with the added bonus of Spare The Rod, Spoil The Child. Not sure but perhaps their generation of growing up during the Great Depression in the USA significantly influenced their own conditioning behaviors, passed on to me and my siblings.
You have shined a bright light of awareness into my mind and heart. I feel a lightening inside me right now 🙂 I thought my home life was typical and ‘normal’. That meant anything I felt that contradicted it made me ‘abnormal, different, the odd one out.’
I appreciate so much your illumination of the legacy I inherited and I want the buck to stop with me.
I am very grateful I found you years ago and never disconnected from your wisdom, even if it has taken me to today to connect the dots.
This email article today is a terrific baby step toward my healing.
Thank you so very much.
Ryn

I went to a boarding school for boys of single parents from 1965 to 1973. I was 9 when I started. Boys were expected to develop resilience through the opportunities and challenges and grow into good and useful citizens of which the School and the old boys would be proud. There were boys who thrived in such environments but many more had difficulties, became more fragile, and had a greater struggle to success (or not). Disregarding the abuse that some boys suffered in this school, especially after my time, such schools do not naturally support mature age-appropriate emotional growth. The school now, I understand is more active in supporting such growth and has accountability to protect against abuse, so the emotional neglect now is (or should be) much less than it was in my time. (I was the main referee for a 15 year old who has been at the school since 9 and he comes across as emotionally mature and by going to the school, he has given his mother the space to achieve herself and to support her son in his time at boarding school.)

I found a way not to pass “the pattern” down— I didn’t have a child. Even though I wanted one to love. Also I thought my mother might be a better grandmother that might help her heal. But now many of my contemporaries have grandkids and I have no family. Now I see what I missed in the intent to avoid problems. I am however blessed having met a man who tells me he loves me and I’m gradually learning to receive from him. I simultaneously seek and pray for healing of the sadness/emptiness which you do discuss. Thank you for helping to identify what’s “wrong” with me and to learn how to heal heart and soul.

Jonice,

I started therapy a few years ago on a friend’s recommendation. She could see I was struggling with my personal and spiritual identity. I reluctantly embarked upon that journey and after three therapists, I finally connected with a brilliant and loving LMFT who has cracked open a thick, hard shell and identified a tremendously difficult childhood. I had no idea what and how much I have been repressing. I am a perfectionist people-pleaser, and for good reason. This article is a spot-on but I’ve always felt so guilty about claiming I’d suffered trauma at the hands of my parents. This helps me put language to the spectrum of abuse – just because I wasn’t raised under physical violence doesn’t mean I didn’t suffer. (My therapist has been trying to drill this into my head but for some reason, this article described it perfectly.) I am closing the book on this pattern so that it stops before it’s carried forward to my young kids. Thank you for your work, Jonice.

A long time ago I participated in Adult children of Alcoholics groups because the characteristics resonated with me. However I couldn’t related to all the abuse stories. My family was bland and my father never showed any emotion and barley spoke to me, my mother worked and was often not available. I could never understand how dysfunctional I was in my relationships, my parenting and lack of attachment to my parents and decided I had a fatal flaw.

Hi Jonice,
I’m 18 and have realised that I could have CEN because when I was 12 my brother had a mental break down and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder which meant that he was very suicidal. Because of this my parents were around him 24/7. I don’t remember much of that time of my life, only experiencing my brother screaming when he had his break down. I feel like this has stemmed all my other problems such as anxiety and possible BPD symptoms. I also don’t feel like I love my family as much as I should and that could be the reason why. I can’t tell my parents however because they’ll be so sad and they’ll feel like they failed as parents 🙁 what should I do?

I always knew something was not right with my family especially compared to other families of my friends as I began to get older. Now after trying to figure it out for years, at age 60, I know my parents were not there emotionally for me. My mother is deceased now but I hate her. She was so fake, as far as everyone thought she was so nice and wonderful.
Everything looked perfect on the outside but she never showed me any love, affection or even talked to me. No wonder I’ve always felt invisible. I didn’t want to raise my children like my parents and did anyway. Now I hate myself. My father was not available either.

Hi
I am one of those that have well meaning but CEN parents.
I have no memories of my childhood, I know a few things from being shown photos, but no emotions are connected to them. And memories of being a teen are like a photo with no emotion attached as well.
Over the years my mum has revealed things like she regrets smacking me excessively, and I do not remember any of it.
I do know I felt fear of her in my teens, but again it’s like it’s all faded…
Is this a common CEN thing?
I am currently going through getting an inattentive adhd diagnosis as I have recently realised that I have had those symptoms for as long as I can remember as well as all my report cards showing as much, but from what I’ve read adhd doesn’t seem to cause a lack of childhood memories.
Thank you

Wondering where CEN symptoms intersect with Asperger’s which can be so similiar. Feels like a double nightmare, hard to sort out. Diagnosed as 68 with Asperger’s, then became a widow after 41 years. That was 2 years ago, so now working on rebuilding and looking at all the little pieces. My husband realized he also had Asperger’s after doing a screening with our adult son. Oh, how that explained so much. He was less affected by CEN than I was, but it was there. I would be a good research project for someone. Can you illuminate this corner of the CEN world? Thanks.

Hi Jonice,

I’ve been reading your articles for quite some time now, and feel that your description of being raised by WMBNT parents resonated with me. My relationship with them is a lot better nowadays, but I’m in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy, and am finding a lot of issues from childhood resurfacing. My father is a “functional” alcoholic, whose preferred method of discipline during my childhood involved much criticism and spanking. (I feel that he tended to pick on me more than my brother, because I wasn’t quite as academically gifted or sporty).

My mother, while definitely more nurturing, didn’t always stand up to me whenever my dad or my brother were “teasing” me, and always presumed that any negativity I received from other children or teachers at school was as a result of something I had done. I was depressed for most of my teenage years, and when I started to have panic attacks around 15, both parents were dismissive of my problems, and told me I just simply wasn’t focusing on my exams and coursework enough.

I realise that many people (including the brave souls who have posted comments here) have had it much worse than me, but at the moment I’m so afraid of either repeating the same patterns I grew up with, or how my father might treat my child if my parents babysit. I feel afraid to voice these feelings to them, because I hate to “rock the boat”, and wonder whether I would be, in fact, over-reacting (maybe this attitude is a consequence of CEN?!).

I’ve been referred to a CBT therapist through my midwife. Would CBT work for CEN?

I am fortunate, in that even though I am one who has CEN, and my parents were indeed “well meaning” in every sense of the word, my husband and I chose NOT to pass it down by not having children ourselves. I am now in my mid 60’s, and in therapy, trying to sort it all out! By the time I was in college, though, studying education and, psychology as a minor, it was clear to me I had been raised in a very dysfunctional family (the terms we used back then.) CEN was not yet a topic – so I had no clue that what I was feeling could be treated or managed. I felt a ton of guilt, too, and believed it was my fault, and that I was just “wrong” in so many ways. I see now, that both my parents came from very dysfunctional homes, and probably suffered CEN as well. The one thing I did understand, was that my childhood programming would, indeed, be passed down to my own kids unintentionally, and my parents would pass it as well, when they spent time with their grandchildren. That was unacceptable, so we opted to skip having kids of our own. We spent many years working with the youth at our church, developing constructive and healthy relationships with young adults in a group setting. For us, that was the right choice, even tho I would adore having grandkids!

Father: “My boy’s going to medical school.”
Stranger, to me: “So, you are in medical school?”
Me: “Actually, I’m a junior in High School.”
Achiever Parent????

What are the other types? This seem too benign, and looking back it wasn’t just that. Although I excused them for a long time and invalidated myself so much. There was psychological and some physical abuse, envy, sibling rilvary, manipulation, parent alienation even though they were and still to this day are married.

At one time I was in denile (more than arrive in Norther Egypt) about every sign of WMBNT parenting but have come to accept them. The wounds due to WMBNT parenting are just impossible to miss.

I have fought through my WMBNT parenting. Often time, I recognize my emotions. Also do something people around don’t do; I don’t run from my emotions. I can’t; they are faster than me. At times I will just sit with them and feel them. Sometimes through that process, the power the emotions has over me dissipates.

I can’t and won’t have kids. I wonder if I could of broken the WMBNT parenting cycle. I recognize it in public like, the other day when a mom told her 4 year boy , “Don’t be angry. You’ll get hot if you’re angry.” <> I just wonder if in the stress of the moment I would say something similar or help my child recognize and process his emotion. I will never know.

I don’t what all of this means. I know I am a child of WMBNT parents. I’ve mostly come to grips with that. I’ve seen glimpses of success in spite of my WMBNT parenting. There are still more time than not, I act like that WMBNT wounded child and times I recognize the desire to do so much more I could do.

Hello — I appreciated your comments and your insights about emotionally neglectful (and worse) parents. I won’t go into my own family drama-trauma here as I have done so many times before and have to get ready for work, anyway. (I will say that these posters responding had it every bit as bad if not worse) than me and my sister did.

One thing did strike me though: You said – “In an act of emotional heroism, you are the one who, in your family, will stop Childhood Emotional Neglect in its tracks.” My sister and I are both in our late 40s. No children, never will have them…. So, I guess that’s our way of taking responsibility and making sure we’re cutting this toxic nonsense off at the knees. When I am feeling my angriest and most resentful, I sometimes want to say to my parents (particularly our profoundly narcissistic mother) : “You don’t deserve grandchildren.” I wonder if she’d get the hint then. Because nothing else has worked.

These articles are so educational.
I’m convinced that, “Emotional Neglect,” is primary cause of addictive behaviors.
Addictive behavior is behavior used to reverse feelings of intolerable helplessness.
The chemical abuser use the quick fix or mood changer of drugs and alcohol to feel better.
Understanding our emotions and discovering how to make them work for us instead of against us is our Emotional IQ. Low EQ leads to addictive behavior.

As long as man continues to destroy all life forms, which he considers inferior, he will never know what health is and will never find true peace. The men will continue to kill each other as long as they slaughter the animals. He who sows killing and sorrow cannot gather joy and love.

Thank you for your spot-on description of the emotional neglect and its resulting feelings and ways of being inside me. I sensed something was wrong when I thought about suicide at 21. I got into therapy. When I first understood through therapy how much emotional work there was to do, and how deep my inner sadness was, I felt like I was standing aside a black hole of an abyss that, should I jump in, would take me decades to come out the other side. It took me months to make that leap, to trust my therapist and the 12 step meetings (ACOA) I was going to.

For 15 years I had the emotional fortitude only to hold jobs that were beneath my capabilities as I focused on allowing my therapist to teach me how to love myself and to let myself heal. Then when I was 35, I opened a successful small business that was my lifeline to better self-esteem. Finally, at 49 years old, I met the love of my life on OKCupid, a widower with a 7 year-old daughter. We were married when I was 51. I am mother to our now 15-old daughter.

It had been my goal through 2 decades of therapy to repair myself so I would not pass CEN on to children, yet when I wS still single at 48, I was beginning to think that, ironically, I had missed my chance for children because of the length of my therapy. Our daughter is a miracle. She is now 15, and is emotionally healthy and grounded like few kids are. I feel because of my long travails I am “better than normal,” and have been able to pass on great resilience to my daughter. I still struggle to parent more organically, and not like I was reading a book about parenting and discipline (because, indeed, that’s exactly how I learned to parent, since my emotionally absent mother didn’t care enough to ever set any limits with me.) But my flexible daughter has been able to observe my love for her, and the permission I give her to feel her emotions, like a plant towards sunlight, anyway, despite this stilted, and sometimes overly-proscribed, approach to discipline.
Now I am founding an Internet start-up at the age of 58, with all the business acumen and emotional maturity I developed. I feel so fortunate to have this life now after being so close to the bottom when I was suicidal as a young person – it’s a completely different life, like a whole new me. I smile freely and am often happy. I find that others naturally gravitate towards my great attitude, and my joy in the simple pleasures of living. It was a long and courageous emotional journey, but one I can wholeheartedly say I am now grateful for.

Unfortunately, I was brought up by severely neglectful parents, was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by them. At age 10 I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, then to a special school, before returning to the family home at 14 to more abuses, eventually resulting in pregnancy, which was terminated at 20 weeks. After escaping, I had more time in a psychiatric hospital, married at 18 and had my first baby at 19, followed by three more adorable children, now in their 40s.
I spent years in different types of therapy – as much for my family’s sake as mine – have battled with depression all my life, and and yet my older three children don’t have any time for me. My youngest daughter died unexpectedly 3 years ago, at age 34 and left four beautiful children, now 21, 17, 10 and 8, who we help with as much as we can, though I am severely disabled from a car accident 30 years ago.
Last week, I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and severe depression by a psychiatrist. I am now 62: please tell me if there is any real hope for my family? I am so exhausted and scared, I can’t cope, and feel so useless. But have worked so hard to be emotionally healthy, for decades. But I have no-one to talk to about this stuff..
Hannah

This past fall, in my early 50s, I finally had an email conversation with my mother concerning the narrative of my young adulthood (I figured going into the actual childhood neglect would be pointless because of her narcissism). I had come to the conclusion that I needed to voice this for my own health while having no expectations that anything would change from her.

I revealed things that she never knew before – such as my extreme suicidal ideation as a teenager, my life-long feeling of being shameful and fundamentally defective, multiple rapes, including going out-of-body when my super-controlling fiancé raped me and told me in detail how he was going to kill me (she know I had been raped by him but she nor the rest of the family ever asked about or mentioned the rape after the initial incident, and certainly didn’t provide any emotional support – even after I got severe PTSD years later), my residual terror ever since that he was going to recapture me or I would become homeless again, telling her that her own sister was raped at the hand of the village policeman, and so much more.

To her credit, she did read my emails and ask me a few intellectual questions (such as why would a rape victim ever feel shame?). But she had absolutely no emotional response to any of these new revelations except to say that I had been a grumpy teen. If my daughter had told me 1% of what I had told her, I would be horrified and would want to soothe and comfort her as much as possible.

I know that in your book you advise against trying to repair bridges with narcissist parents (thanks for the warning!) … so I made sure that this was not my motivation. I just felt I had to get rid of some of my secrets to heal and move ahead, and that I didn’t need anything in return. I am glad I did this and actually feel sorry for her that she is so emotionally disconnected from everybody who doesn’t act like her and worship her. My dad (who, unlike my mom, was a victim of CEN himself) was totally emotionally shutdown, so I knew never to open up to him at all. So for anyone else in this situation, it can be helpful to speak your truth while holding in check any expectations.