10 Things Childhood Emotional Neglect is NOT

Dear Jonice, I’ve just started reading your book eyeing immediately for references to my own situation. I couldn’t find it directly but could you please give some guidance as where in the book to look for guidance on the effects of losing your parents at a young age (dad at 11 and mum at 20, with the latter being part of traumatic experiences with gradual and gruesome decaying of her body). So the lack of parents being there. At 62 I still can’t talk about these events without crying intensely. And I think it has contributed greatly to behavioral addictions that basically has now ruined my private life. Can you advise by pointing to relevant passages or alternative literature? In dire need to understand myself. Thank you.

I deeply disagree with it not being abuse. To deny someone’s life and value is to abuse their soul and existence in the most traumatizing way possible.

So how many yes answers do I have to have to have CEN? I have 12

I have come to realise that I didn’t have a ‘normal’ childhood, and how my parents treated me wasn’t quite normal. In short, I was often excluded from family activities/ outings. When I asked why afterwards, I was blamed for not participating (even when I was directly told not to beforehand). I often took blame and punishment for things that ‘went wrong’ in the family. Lost items, being late, costing too much etc. My mother would tell neighbours stories that made her glow in a favourable light, but made me look bad. One bright spot, was my parents lack of interest in my schooling. I was able to excel at school, and receive sufficient enjoyment from my studies. During parent/teacher interviews when my teachers gave a glowing report, my parents would embarrass me by saying that they must have the wrong student. As a child, if I ever hurt myself I was just told to get up and stop crying, as no one wants to hear that. I could go on and on. I know parents learn behaviours from their parents… but after talking to their siblings (my aunts etc), their childhood was happy, spoilt even. Where did my parents go so wrong?

I’ve just come into contact with your work and have many questions. It resonates with me on a deep level. I believed that I was emotionally / verbally abused, and still do, but as I read more about CEN, it seems to ring true as well. Is it possible that emotional / verbal abuse could complicate CEN or vise versa? Is it possible that there could be both? The negative talk, put downs and everything that comes with that kind of abuse along with the ignoring of or lack of acknowledgment of emotional needs or the emotions that arise because of the abuse…

Jonice, I identify with so many of the items listed in your questionairre. Both my parents, too, experienced CEN when they were young. At 30, I have a good relationship with them, and feel loved and validated. But when I think to my childhood, the ways I may have experienced CEN seem unclear to me. I recall that they were loving, interested, encouraging. I do know that I’ve sought to idealize and protect my childhood. Could they have been caring about my emotions, and simply not equipped as parents? The bottom line– I am intensely resistant to the idea that they were bad parents. What can I do?

This is all well and good…now what’s your experience with parents whose needs seem always to come first before yours as a child? We are NOT talking about life’s essentials here: food, shelter, and protection until one is old enough to fend for themselves? Depending upon parents like those whose needs are always first…is a very selfish person and should really consider not having children….they have no reason…unless they are keeping “up with the Jones’?” But keeping up appearances like that is just what our past generation had a tendency to follow….same circumstances are not common this time around…but now a 2nd generation falls into the same story?

I married a man who denies it but has CEN. This has led to extereme emotional neglect in our 20 yr marriage. I have finally realized that my voice matters. That my thoughts and personhood are to be valued by my spouse. But I am not acknowledged. I am not heard or seen.
What path is there for marriages with a pattern of neglect continuing? My 5 children have all suffered from this. I have become their all their only parent. My teens have checked out from their father because they aren’t even noticed. It’s so sad.
Can children who have one healthy parent overcome the wounds from the other with CEN?

I have been following your work with great interest and increasing enlightenment ….I think I have found a therapist from the list below but, in the meantime, I wonder if the terrible anger I used to feel and which still is unleashed is a result of CEN ? Madeleine

I have spent my life looking for answers why I felt empty, never good enough, alone and sad on the inside.
Now I don’t blame my war torn parents anymore. I could see them but that was it. No wonder I didn’t know how to have a conversation with peers. I had nothing to say because I was invisible. That quote “children should be seen but not heard” Damn that quote.

Wow this explains my life totally my parents split when I was a baby and my mother was more out than in my life and was a substance abuser. As much as sometimes wanna be in love I’ve never been and often push a way from it I’m 37 never married

Your work thru the years has helped me discover my own healing path by better understanding myself so I could become a better person, wife and mother. I can’t thank you enough.

My challenge now is maintaining a relationship with 2 emotionally immature parents who struggle when not “mirrored” in every aspect of life. I’ve established boundaries which has helped me tremendously but the constant nagging of “we never hear from you” is taking it’s toll. When they DO see me they announce to everyone present (even strangers—true story) “we never hear from her” to shame me publicly. They’ve done this in front of my best friends as well. I’ve explained that I have a full life and keep busy. I’ve accepted they’ll never change or understand their emotional immaturity but the continued exposure to it is frustrating.

Hi Dr.
For people not in north America & especially are in developing countries, it is difficult to attend a CEN therapist’s session.

What would you suggest to people who cannot access a therapist, that they can do on their own, to have their healing process started. Any basics, do it yourself steps, that will help to cure CEN to the best.

Regards,

Dr. Webb, I think I have symptoms of Executive Dysfunction in addition to effects of CEN during my 58 years. In your experience, can Executive Dysfunction be a result of CEN? Thanks,
Tresa

Is it possible to have a parent who was overly present and almost a super mom in early years (although kind of a pushy perfectionist who didn’t get you) but then to experience CEN as a teenager. My parents got divorced when I was 15 and my Mom went from overbearing to totally absent and into her own world above all. I always felt kind of not understood but there was a huge shift at this point like she was just suddenly not into being a parent. I feel badly asking about this as my Mom probably looks like a perfect Mom on paper and I can’t find any incidents other than when my parents divorced.

None of these are surprising when you think about it. I was just talking with a client a couple of weeks ago about the effects of CEN having a more destructive impact in the long-term than the abuse he suffered.

From memory snapshots of myself and 3 siblings, me, twin brothers and sister all within 3 years. Absent, wandering father, distraught mother, abandoned and signed over to state orphanage, the image of mother kissing us, whispering “take good care of my babies” to me, walking out the door and out of our lives. A year later sis and I adopted. Successful, driven parents who both worked. Latchkey kids after school. Often brought work home. Children to be seen not heard. Old school discipline. Lectures not conversations. Performance in school a reflection of them. Standards to be upheld. success was an expectation. Isolation in my room with my books became my refuge. I left home right after college. Your book brought all of what this was to the surface. In Houston. Recommendations?

While I so appreciate your explanations and efforts to help people with CEN, I worry sometimes about the emphasis on your emotions as a guide and not being a choice.

I think it is crucial for any person to be able to recognize when their emotional response to something is an overreaction or—to put it bluntly—kind of ridiculous. Our emotions are important but they do not always lead us to the truth or what is right. It is important to learn to control our emotions, or at least how we respond to and interpret them. I think over-valuing the importance of listening to and protecting emotions is causing a number of societal issues today. Emotions can actually be a hinderance to productive conversation if you cannot face them critically.

Just something that has been on my mind as I read these newsletters.

I do appreciate you stressing that CEN is not someone’s fault, but rather something that can get unintentionally passed down.

Thanks for another amazing article. I’ve been doing your program for over a year and already feel much better- more connected and I feel I see the world in color instead of in gray.

Hi Jonice!

I have commented before how much I appreciate your talent to bring to many who struggle to understand concepts that help them integrate their feelings thoughts narrative stories of their lives etc.
You truly have a talent for bringing a much needed, hard to see, developmental “freezer” that help folks integrate (heal) themselves!
Your metaphor for the difference between abuse, personality disorders, and CEN, though true, also, IMO, gets a bit on track due to the confusion of terms like personality disorder. (PD)
PD, though necessary for reimbursement is an outdated concept, that divides people in places that fall short of understanding the complete big picture.
Let’s not forget that whether we knock a plant off the shelf or starve it of water, the plant lives on life support.
Not to mention that CEN CAN (unintentionally, of course) produce a personality disorders in the next generation. (A Narcissistic wound would, in some cases, be such an example, as would children that self-harm…often due to little to no info re their inner worlds, in relationship with their caretakers. (CEN))
I would highly recommend that you look at Dan Siegel’s “The Neurobiology of We” (IF you have not already), which integrates attachment w brain development.
In it, he shows how the DSM’s disorders can pretty much all be divided broadly in to neurobiological non-integration patterns that produced Chaos, Rigidity and Disconnection (The avoidant attachment that we see so often in CEN)
It was a game changer in terms of the big picture for me several years back when I finally sat myself down to listen to him, and how all of us healer types are essentially helping our clients integrate what could not be integrated in their abusive neglectful and CNN (avoidant attachments) experiences within the context of our relational selves. (The part “not watered” in CNN).
But really, the full series that I mentioned earlier, explained attachment in a way that helped me deepen my understanding of both myself, the process I had been engaging in w clients for 35 yrs, at that time, in such an accessible way, that I wanted to share it with you!

I’d LOVE to see what a person w your exquisite communication talents would do with that info!

Thanks again for bringing so many into their healing process.

Warmly,
Andy

At 8 years old my friend invited me to his birthday party. We were developing a nice friendship. When my birthday came I asked my step mother if I could have a party and invite David back. My step mother wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it myself and I soon lost my friendship with David.
Now, I’m 72 and still remember my CEN. It’s wonderful to recognize and understand what really happened to me as a result. Thank you for helping me.

Amazing article. Your research continues to help me, day by day.

Thank you!

This is very point on. I feel like I am doing well at the ripe old age of 68 but I do have questions such as WHY did my parents think this was “okay” to do to me. They are both dead now and I feel guilty that I don’t really mourn them. THAT is the chink that’s missing, I feel.

very informative. Thank you.