6 Sad Reasons Why A Family Creates A Black Sheep

I’m the black sheep of my family,”

said the young man who sat before me in my therapy office. I tried to imagine this adorable, sad young man being the “black sheep” of anything. I couldn’t.

Generally considered the outcast of the family, the black sheep is typically assumed to be an oddball. Furthermore, the rest of the family believes that the black sheep brought this upon himself.

It is true that sometimes the black sheep is indeed “odd” by anyone’s standards (sometimes the result of a hidden mental illness). Or she may be a sociopath who violates the family’s boundaries and care, so that the family has to exclude her to rightfully protect themselves.

But surprisingly, very seldom is either of these scenarios actually the case. Many, many black sheep are lovable folks with much to offer their families and the world. In fact, they are often the best and brightest. They may be the most creative of the family, or the one with the most powerful emotions.

In truth, the world is full of black sheep. Think hard. Does your family have one? This question is not as easy to answer as it may seem, for many black sheep are not physically excluded from the family. For most, it’s much more subtle. The exclusion is emotional. 

Three Signs That Your Family Has a Black Sheep: 

  1. One member often, over a long period of time, seems hurt or angry for no apparent reason.
  2. One person is often, and on a long-term basis, talked about negatively behind his back. “He’s so annoying,” “What a weirdo/disappointment/loser/fill in the blank.”
  3. One member is subtly not invited to certain family occasions or left out of the loop on family news. 

So if most black sheep aren’t actually weirdos who brought their exclusion upon themselves, what would cause a family to treat one of their own this way? The real cause does not lie within any individual family member. No. Instead it’s a product of family dynamics.

Here are the sources that I see most often.

The Six Top Family Dynamics Which Result in a Black Sheep:

  1. The child who has the least in common with the parents. This child sticks out because of his personality, temperament or interests. The parents are baffled by him and inadvertently treat him differently, which spreads to the siblings.
  2. The best and the brightest. This child threatens to outperform or outshine one or both of the parents. Either consciously or unconsciously, the parents sabotage her to hold her back. This way, they won’t lose her and they won’t have to feel badly about themselves in comparison to her.
  3. The child most prone to depression or anxiety. The child with intense or dark feelings or thoughts which the parents cannot understand may frighten them. At a loss about how to help, they may just keep him at a distance.
  4. Sibling rivalry. In this family, there is simply not enough attention or love to go around. One or both of the parents is limited in some way; by mental illness, personality disorder, or substance abuse for example. The siblings must jockey for whatever they can get.
  5. A parent who despises himself deep down. This parent can appear to be quite loving of her children, so she can be difficult to spot. But she is unable to tolerate certain aspects of herself, so she projects those traits onto a chosen child, and despises him instead. It is an unconscious coping mechanism that happens outside of the parent’s awareness.
  6. Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN): the child who is the most invisible. In this family, all of the children may get the subtle (or not-so-subtle) message that their feelings don’t matter. But one is better at hiding his own needs, feelings, and self than the others. This child literally disappears from the family’s radar screen and is ignored. He becomes persona non grata. He is the one who matters the least.

With any of the six causes above, the excluded or targeted child senses early on that he must be different, bad or inferior. In a case of self-fulfilling prophecy, he learns to play his role in the family. Often, he plays it very well.

What should you do if you recognize your family in these words? It is indeed difficult to turn around entrenched family dynamics like these.  But you can make a difference:

Choose to see your family through a more complex lens.

Ask yourself: Is this right? Is this the person that I want to be? Is this how I want to treat my sibling or child?

Share this article with chosen members of your family.

Look at your black sheep with fresh eyes and notice what you’ve never seen before.

Open your heart and your little section of the family circle.

Let your black sheep know that you reclaim him.

If you are a Black Sheep:

You are right to be baffled and confused. Nothing is as simple as it has always seemed. Know that you have value. And it is not your fault. Watch for a future post: Message to the Black Sheep of the World.

To learn more about Childhood Emotional Neglect, how and why it happens, and how it affects all of the children in the family see Running on Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships 

This article was originally published on Psychcentral.com and has been republished here with the permission of the author and PsychCentral

Jonice

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Ken - November 19, 2020 Reply

I’m 68 now, alot of what u said is me, i’m youngest in family, i was a mistake, as my father was a boozer, womanizer, and gambled! We had to move house when i was 6yrs old, bcz he wasnt paying the mortgage! My next sister up who is 8- 10yrs older was jealous of me bcz she was going to loose all the attention, and now in her 70s, still is,! We were never a close family as my brother and older sister were 20 something yrs older !! At one of my Aunties birthday party, i heard my brother call me ” the black sheep of the family” not knowing what it meant i just continued on playing, i was a skinny kid and mother literally brought me up on wellfare ! I had no friends, wasnt allowed to bring school friends home ! In the 50s it was more like ” out of sight, out of mind !” for kids, and ” speak when ure spoken to “! And a strange thing my father called me for several yrs was the word ” jerkypeak ” and i still dont know what it meant! Every time he saw me, he would call me this, and i would ask him what it meant? But yrs later he told it meant ” fool “!! Very nice thing for a father to call his son !!??? Why??? Still dont know , but putting two and two together now i think i may have been the result of an incestual liaison with my big sister, but shes past away yrs ago so its just supposition.!!

Iris - October 24, 2020 Reply

Thanks again for running into you when I’m running on empty again Jonice. You have helped me with the books, a video reply to my message. Right now I was ‘googling’ on how to deal with being excluded as I found out my family (parents and brother with his family) went away for a weekend. This is a reoccurring theme where they have even went to a funeral of a family member all together without telling me. They think/say I’m too sensitive and that I am different. It’s a repetitive tune that started in my childhood and I am looking for ways to break out of the cycle of letting these events hurt me over and over. I keep trying to find my way in, while I wish I would focus on meeting other people and not backing off from new contacts. Thank you again for your expertise and compassion. It means a lot.

Tammy - September 30, 2020 Reply

It seems that all the articles I’ve read that not one of them mentions anything about JEALOUSY what about if a mother is jealous of her daughter because she thinks her husband is malesting her daughter and blames everything on the daughter , and turns the whole family against her , because that’s exactly what happened to me , I was not an oddball I was no different from them and I did not commit any crime and I was not the worst one in the family, I did not deserve any of it. JEALOUSY is real and some mothers can be very insecure I beleive 100 % that is was their fault and not mine

Tracy - September 21, 2020 Reply

I am the mother/step mother of 5 children.
My eldest is 27yrs old and feels that he is the BS. he feels he had a hard childhood and was always grounded. he believes his siblings have/are having an easier ride than him. His siblings are 21yrs sister, twin brothers 16yrs and step brother 16yrs. He claims he spent most of his childhood grounded or in trouble for something and that the others never get grounded etc. I have pointed out he was grounded for reasons eg late in, or being disrespectful or rude at school. His siblings are being brought up in a totally different era where by they don’t go out but alternatively will receive bands from the internet. He can be so mean and hurtful with his words and make me out to be the worst parent in the world. he is far from the BS… I stay in contact with him and he has his own family but I still cant seem to do right from wrong.

    Luma - October 9, 2020 Reply

    I’m guessing there’s emotional stuff that he feels went ignored so he’s acting out from unresolved conflict from way back when. He’s probably seeing the negative more than positive from the past and I can hear your frustration that you’re not being recognized for the good aspects. He probably hears your frustration too and so ramps it up wishing to be seen or heard but instead causes more grief. He sounds hurt. If you enable him, try not to. If he treats you poorly explain how its not okay to treat you that way.. don’t be mean or passive aggressive back but when you put up boundaries be honest and loving. No matter how hurt he is its not okay to treat others poorly.

    Maybe since you’ve said there were reasons for punishments, like the example of being rude at school.. if he was facing hardships that his family didn’t see there could be a possibility that he felt like his family was doubling down and had nowhere to go to with his problems and resents the differences in his childhood compared to siblings but probably doesn’t really know their emotional world either and instead focuses on the greener grass. I wonder if there’s a father involved too and if that’s another sore spot.

remmy - September 16, 2020 Reply

my mom was adopted and her adoptive mom favorited my aunt and made my mom the bs. my mom always felt like the bs even with her real family. she doesn’t have many common things with either sides and it always bugged her.
i suppose now that feeling of being a cast-out has passed down to me now that i’m being excluded from the lives of my grandma, aunt, cousins, and other family members on the adoptive side.
i was adopted by my step dad and now i’ve found that even he didn’t want me. these feelings of being the bs is why i’ve found this article. maybe someone on here can help me expand a bit more on how to deal with these complex emotions. i’ve tried talking to my mom but even though she gets it, she doesn’t get it either. it’s hard to explain. plz send help :’)

    Jonice - September 17, 2020 Reply

    Dear Remmy, I very much encourage you to see a trained therapist for help and support with this. Your mom deserved better and you deserve better. You can unlearn what you have learned. But you’ll need help from someone who understands.

    Michelle - October 18, 2020 Reply

    Hi Remmy,
    I just read your reply to a article on black sheep. My situation is very similar to yours and I made the decision to go on my own and only be around people who could see my good and were good to me. It has been hard leaving family but also rewarding. I finally see myself as being a decent person for the first time in my life. I didn’t realize how toxic my family was to me till I stepped away. We get used to being treated wrong and thinking we deserve it.

Florence - September 6, 2020 Reply

Even though I definitely was the different, oddball, child; I never accepted the name Black Sheep of the family. My siblings may have called me that but I refuse to call myself the BS. I was the quietest child, hurting deeply and didn’t know how to share my needs. I didn’t receive words of affirmation, or love, or positive emotions expressed to me. I totally felt ignored.
I’ve been trying to figure out who I am, my value, and my worth and to live a meaningful life for myself and hopefully have something to offer to my 5 children who are adults now.

Joanne - September 6, 2020 Reply

I wish this article better articulated how the Black Sheep/Identified Patient is often the one to be the most vocal and call-out the pain/dysfunction in the family. Other family members hide and retreat; but the BS can often call out the wrong-doing and by doing so, isolates themselves.

    Jonice - September 6, 2020 Reply

    Very good point, Joanne! thanks for pointing that out. It’s important and far too common.

    Brenda - September 12, 2020 Reply

    Omg Joanne everything u say is true. All of above traits are me but calling them is huge. I did that and have been ostersized. I am now further in my process and accept that I am a very special person. I love and own been bs because I don’t need acceptances. I accept myself And amazing ability to be real

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